It rips my heart out.

[kevin]

Hi folks.  If you've been following my posts recently, I have an update about Analyn.  She just e-mailed me, asking for forgiveness about her brother and the cell-phone issue.  She might still be online at the moment.  She said she wants to chat to clear things up.

Well, this is what's going through my mind.  I no longer beleive her words, and I think they may have been shallow to begin with.  Too many references have been made that someday I might make tons of money, I might buy her brother a cell-phone in the future (but can't right now), etc.  I've had some trusted Filipina sources read into Analyn's previous messages.  To say the least they doubt her sincerity, and one seems to think it's pretty obvious she's playing with my heart, my feelings, my emotions, my ability to love and trust a woman.

The thought that I might be mistaken, and that trusted Filipina friends might be mistaken, rips my heart out.  I hate to sabotage and throw away something very beautiful, but then again it's probably a hoax and it's for my own good.  At the present, I do not know what truly is going through Analyn's mind about the whole issue, but to be prudent, I think I am probably escaping much worse heartache in the future, nevermind loss of dignity and insurmountable financial and legal problems.

This whole idea of acting hurt, trying to get me to stick to her, etc. reminds me of the Zebson and Helen saga.  Yes, Helen earned Zebson's trust, and it was something hard one over.  But look what she did to him.  Look what she tried to do to him, but fortunately, did not succeed.

Well, I'm already looking to start new friendships with new girls.  At this stage, I think I had very few strings attached, if any, with Analyn.  I just hate to accuse and assume something about somebody when I don't know for sure whether or not it's true.  Yet my life, my future, is at stake.

For all I know, Analyn might be bawling her heart out thinking about me and what I beleive about her.  Or she might be getting edgy and downright angry that her agenda with me doesn't look like it's going to work.

I don't know what to think, but I think I know which direction I should head.

- Kevin

[Bear]

... in response to It rips my heart out., posted by kevin on Aug 15, 2001

I think that you are doing the right thing.  And I know its tough.  Right now my Honey is going through a nightmare because of the harassment her own parents give her.  I see her crying now 2-3x/week because they say cruel things to her while she is chatting with me.  

Turns out that I think no one should ever mention money to these people. Period.  The neighbor she claimes were jumping up and down with joy when one of their daughters married a Japanesse guy.  They were yelling they were rich.  Well they haven't heard from their daughter in 6 months now.  Same with my in-laws.  I made the mistke of telling them how much money I intended to send her every month and it turned out to be double what they earned.  Now they yell at her because she doesn't give it all to them.

I also discussed purchasing a home for Honey and I to retire in and asked her father about costs  and location and such.  Now it turns out they are furious with her because I have not yet purchased *them* a home - with a swimming pool no less.  And I do mean furious too.  They yell at her and call her names and say she has become bad and changed.  But when she ask them what they want they tell her nothing and to shut up?

So finally yesterdy Honey agreed with me and is moving out.  It is really so sad too because I had no objection to helping and allowing them to live in the house when I purchased it but buying a home there is not at the head of my priorities.  I am currentyly paying off bills here so that when she get here we can start fresh and right.  They think since I haven't bought them a home Honey is telling me that they are just using me.

BTW, throw that picture of Kathryn in the trash.  She gave her family confidential information she had discussed with Honey.  She has shown her true colors - she would expect you to pay and give them what they want.

Bear

[kevin]

... in response to Re: It rips my heart out., posted by Bear on Aug 15, 2001

Pathetically sickening.  Some of the most ungrateful souls that could ever exist.  When I think about this, it amazes me that "salamat" even exists in the Tagalog vocabulary.  Oops, I mean the meaning assigned to "salamat".

Well, I don't feel bad now that I did not yet respond to Kathryn.

What you are experiencing right now is exactly there is a degree of Pinoy-specific bigotry in America.  You mention the word "Filipino" or "Filipina" to somebody who knows very little about the Philippines.  All kinds of greed-motivated evil actions come to mind whethery it be graft, corruption, bribery, sweetheart swindling, prostitution, or quackery.  This is why I hear comments to the tune "I've lost all respect for Philippine culture.  They're a bunch of gypsies who don't want to work, and expect that the rest of the world owes them everything." or "We don't want them in this country.  If you're stupid enough to marry another Filipina, you're only going to get screwed."

Man, I don't mean to be judgemental, but if Jesus were to arrive in the Philippines, I don't think he'd be "popular" anymore.  I doubt he'd be handing out money to everybody.

Well, I've been reading articles from the Plain Truth and the Philadelphia Trumpet, which are based on Bible scripture.  The geneology of humanitry topic is fascinating.  Perhaps what I'm about to say paralells what might be an accepted teaching in your church.

If creation is fact, and evolution a hoax, then every human being on this planet is a descendent of Noah.  Remember, only 8 people survived the Flood (Noah, his wife, 3 sons, 3 spouses).  Noah's family proliferated, and the Tower of Babel was built.  God destroyed the Tower of Babel, and the families of each of Noah's sons migrated in separate directions.  Each son was the father of a distinct race.

The white race stayed in ancient Israel for a while.  Generations later, it was the time of Abraham.  Abraham had a special relationship with God, and God was going to bless Abraham and his descendents.  Abraham was going to be the father of many great nations.  These great nations are (so it is said) the United States, Great Britain, other British Commonwealth nations, and to a lesser extent, other European nations.  God intended to reward and bless Abraham's descendent with abundance because of obedience to His ways.  Abraham's descendents were charge with spreading the Word of God around the world.

Now, what does all this amount to?  Is it really just another collection of ancient stories like the writings of Greek and Roman gods and goddesses?  Or is there really some merit behind this story?  Why is English a universal language?  Why is America not only a world superpower, but the best place in the world for anybody to live?

According to Bible prophecy, America and Britain are going to fall.  God is going to allow this to happen because Americans and Britons have become morally corrupt and forgot their roots.  We Americans are like spoiled rich kids taking for granted what are parents lavish us with.  Yet people of many other countries are envious that they don't have the same things we do, so envious to the point of being willing to do anything to trade places.  Now compare secularism in modern-day America to religious overtones in the Philippines.

Back to the topic of Abraham, remember Joseph?  Joseph's brothers were jealous of him?  But they didn't want to work, had no gratitude, whatever?  I think the same principle probably holds true for example, comparing Filipino morals and ethics to American morals and ethics (or "old-fashioned" American morals and ethics).  In you case, your in-laws' circle are probably pathetically jealous of you and would do anything they could to hurt you.  Their attitude was that you were an outsider and they could extract a benefit from you.  I bet if you dropped dead of a heart attack tomorrow and didn't have enough for them in your will (which could never, ever be enough), they's still bad-mouth you.  

Well you look at the economic problems in the Philippines.  With a collective set of morals and ethics the way they are (majority of the population) you can't expect the country's economy to ever develop.  The industrious and ambitious are discouraged in such a climate.  It's essentially survival of the fittest.  The smartest (most clever) and the strongest take all.  That's how Joseph Estrada got places.  That's why bribery in government is the norm and not the exception.

According to Bible prophecy (from reading the Philidelphia Trumpet), things are only going to get worse in the Philippines until the Second Coming of Jesus Christ.  It is said that Japan or China will control the country in the end times.  Filipinos are said to be descendents of Gomer, one of Noah's grandsons.  I haven't read anything about what kind of character Gomer was.

Well, in a nutshell, I guess the point is about culture-specific morals and ethics.  Abraham was grateful to God.  Westerners have an ingrained sense of morals and good regard to other fellow human beings (of course this doesn't hold true to all westerners, just a generally accepted philiosophy).  I think the biggest shock to a westerner in the Philippines is how gestures of kindness can be seen as a weakness and used against him.  Your in-laws should be happy that their daughter has a man that really truely loves her and treats her well, never mind being able to have a better life (a nice side benefit).  But look what they're doing to you (and her) with absolutely no sense of "hiya" whatsoever.  Maybe they always hated you and always will because of feelings of envy.

- Kevin

[Bear]

... in response to Re: Re: It rips my heart out., posted by kevin on Aug 15, 2001

Actually they tell Honey I am a good man.  But she is bad?  They think she is telling me not to give them anything.

Bear

[Ray]

... in response to It rips my heart out., posted by kevin on Aug 15, 2001

Sorry things didn’t work out Kevin.

My advice to you is to stop looking for a wife. I don’t think you’re ready for another marriage just yet, but you’ll get there eventually. It takes time. Some people take more time than others, so there’s no magic number of months or years until you feel ready.

If I were you, I would keep writing several ladies at a time. Just enjoy their friendship and try not to think of them as potential mates. If you can go visit a few that’s even better. Can you think of a better, more coast effective place to take a vacation? Go to the Phils and pull a Mog. Just travel around and enjoy yourself. You can do it on the cheap like cc (OOPS! Don’t want to blow Timex’s cover).

Just make friends first and if you happen to find a good one along the way, that’s great. But enjoy your single life now while you can. You’re still young and there’s plenty of time. Just don’t get your hopes up too soon.

And one other thing: NEVER SEND ANY MONEY TO A PEN PAL! NOT EVEN A LOUSY DOLLAR! That’s probably a good rule for anyone, but in your case I think it is an absolute requirement. Just keep money out of it entirely if you want to enjoy their friendship. Don’t even mention the word. And never talk about your past relationships with a new pen friend! When you correspond, sound positive and focused on the future, not the past, regardless of what you really feel inside.

Now forget this one because you’ll only make both of you miserable if you try to continue this relationship. Whether or not she had any sinister motives is beside the point. The damage has already been done. Now show some class and exit gracefully without any further discussion of what happened in the past. Be a perfect gentleman and break it off gently, for peace of mind for both of you.

This is just my opinion and not necessarily any better or worse than any of the other advice you got here. It’s just to give you something to think about Kevin. Now have a cold beer and a bean burrito and go out and enjoy life. It’s too precious to waste.

Ray

[kevin]

... in response to Take a break, posted by Ray on Aug 15, 2001

Ooops!  Speaking of taking breaks.  I've been taking plenty of wind breaks today, and just took another one.

- Kevin

[kevin]

... in response to Take a break, posted by Ray on Aug 15, 2001

Well Ray, I can keep my eyes open every day for a potential "Miss Right".  It's this hope that does inspire me and keep me going.

As of now, I'm open to making new overseas friendships, that will eventually lead to marriage with a special someone.  If I were to meet a good, compatible Filipina right here in the United States tomorrow or beyond, so much the better.  It might spare me the green-card shark/scam artist anxiety, but then again, it would depend on a number of other things too.  I just don't think it's realistic to anticipate finding the Filipina for me in this country despite what people always say, "Find a girl in your own country."

Sooner or later, I'm sure I'll become attached to somebody.  It's a matter of interaction, playing the field.  I don't have money to take a trip to the Philippines in the very near future.  I think a stategy might be, over the long term, cultivate friendships, eventually (hopefully) it will be narrowed down to somebody who would be the best possible partner.  If I could afford to go to the Philippines within the next several months and travel around within the country, I think going there to meet several girls in the non-committal (not too serious yet) stage would be good.

Since my last relationship, I'd been alone for months.  Then I got a computer and got hooked up to the internet.  I started participating on Planet Love.  I've made some nice friends.  I've learned alot about contemporary issues (like the cell-phone frenzy) in the Philippines too.

About nine-months after the end of my engagement to a previous mahal, I was introduced via mail to someone.  That didn't take off.  Several months later, I was acquainted with two girls who caught my fancy via e-mail, referred by a Planet Love member.  One of those girls was Analyn.  Well, my correspondence took off with Analyn.

I have sent Analyn money for minor things like internet expenses and money for pictures.  At certain times, because of her situation, and the fact that I had feelings for her, I sent her money every now and then ($10 or $20) as sort of a releif gesture.

But now about money issues.  Months ago when she was showing friends my letters and pictures to friends, I was slammed as being "some thrifty guy because of the little amount of money I sent."  Analyn defended me and dismissed the issue because I was in school (I am a part-time graduate student).  Although I may be a part-time graduate student, my income is not going to double or triple once I graduate.  I beleive that I was being compared to the other white Kanos that send $100, $200, $500 or more per month to be squandered.

I would not allow somebody I loved to suffer.  But I don't think rushing out to the bank, taking out savings or a loan, buying a cell-phone, and shipping it to Analyn's brother to show that I was a "kind man" would have done any good.  I think that would have been stupidity on my part.  It would have been the tip of the iceberg.

At this stage of our relationship, I could see sending Analyn money to make up for lost wages, etc.  I was even planning my first Western Union transfer to her, beleiving that the money would be put to good use, but only a relatively minor strain on my budget.  I was even planning on shopping around and buying Analyn a camera for her birthday and a cell-phone for Christmas.  (Yes I would buy big ticket things for the #1 person in my life for special occasions, such as a cell-phone, if I could afford it.)  Well, I don't buy those kind of things for my own family members for common occasions (Christmas and birthdays) either, because I simply couldn't afford it.  I gave $25 for my baby nephew's Christianing with the expectation that it will be dumped into a personal savings account.  Sixteen years from now, I'm sure he'll probably want his first car, but I'm certainly not going to buy it for him, and his father (my brother) probably won't either.  He'll learn (hopefully) the ethic of thrift, saving money, and that nice things aren't for free, during the course of his formative years, for important things and the things he'll want.

I don't know what else to say at the moment.  I was in no rush to remarry.  There are a few things I want to accomplish first.  But I just want to be on the path, and when the time is right, prepare for marriage, a lifetime together.  For awhile, I though Analyn might be a potential partner.  But I guess in courting somebody, whether or not she's the right one, is what you've got to find out, while courting. I beleive it's time for me to go on now and meet new girls.

- Kevin

[Dave H2O]

... in response to Re: Take a break, posted by kevin on Aug 15, 2001

...and he will throw it back at you and ask for a cell phone. :-0

Teach a man to fish and he will quit working and fish all the time. Then he will ask for beer money and try to sell you the fish heads. ;o))

Dave H.

[Stephen]

... in response to Take a break, posted by Ray on Aug 15, 2001

Kevin:

With what you've been through and your caution against "money-grubbers" I think that it's over with this lady.  This is just too big of a hurdle to get over.

But you've gotten some good advice here from a lot of folks.  Use it and start another relationship.

I like Ray's idea of just develop a friendship and go to the Phils for a vacation. (And take lots of pictures for Ray and me. lol)

Just relax and start forward again.

Best of luck.

Stephen & Tess

[Jeff S]

... in response to It rips my heart out., posted by kevin on Aug 15, 2001

.. some from both sides of the stay the course/move on fence. I don't know you or your situation enough to offer any advice either, but as Ceicil says, you'll really never know your wife until you're married. After that it's (as Jimbo once said and I totally agree with) a committment to success. Unlike the "happily ever after" fantasy, marriage always creates more problems than it solves, so having some disagreements and conflicts while courting is a good thing, because it reveals character and gives you a preview of things to come. It's how you each handle these times that's a precursor to your life after, so I think you learn far more about each other in these times than in the lovey dovey, flowers and kisses periods. My best wishes for the best resolution to this situation.
-- Jeff S.

[Cecil]

... in response to It rips my heart out., posted by kevin on Aug 15, 2001

Hi Kevin,

I know how difficult it must be since you have communicated with Analyn so long and have developed feelings for her.  The truth is that no one on this board with maybe the exception of Vemila knows Analyn better than you.  I think Jim gave great advice once saying that the Phils are loaded with wonderful ladies so why take a chance with someone who you have doubts.  Kevin, there appears to have been no obvious signs to Zebson that Helen was scamming him while he was courting her.  You seem from your post to be looking for a guarantee that a lady is sincere and as my mother use to say you never truly know anybody until you are married to them.  I believe becoz of the tragic past that you endured that you are over-sensitive to the issue of money and scammer.  The plain truth Kevin is that virtually ever lady who you will consider in the Phils is willing to marry you for the large part to come to the USA and to have the opportunity to help their families financially.  As long as the lady has true feelings for you, I personally admire their devotion to their family.  Do you honestly believe that a babe like Analyn would marry a man our age if there was not some expectation of a better life.  You post brings out the point that people do not realize how hurt emotionally a man can be from a break up of such a long term communication.  I had stop writing to a filipina who i knew for many months.  I was walking down my street and for some reason something that she had written to me came across my mind and I began to cry uncontrolably.  For those who think this is about physical attraction alone think again.  The problem you face is that you do not trust your own judgement on the sincerity of these ladies becoz you were wrong in the past.  I would suggest that you should continue to write to Analyn but also write to several other ladies at the same time.  This will give you something to find a contrast between the ladies.  Hey Kevin if I ever do get married I will invite to my wedding if you will invite me to yours!  God Bless!!!

Cecil

[kevin]

... in response to Re: It rips my heart out., posted by Cecil on Aug 15, 2001

Cecil, you've never e-maild me yet.  My e-mail address is kbrennan02888@aol.com .  Remember I'm from Rhode Island, and I beleive that you're from Connecticut.  We should get together sometime.

Well, anyways I'm 36 and Analyn will be 24.  A 12 year age difference, which is probably borderline controversial.

What country are you from?  I'm assuming you are probably European.  I'm assuming your ancestors must have had a difficult life.  But I would guess they had probably married for love.

It is my beleif that too many Filipinas would marry outside of their race, not for love, but for money.  Hey the prevailing attitude seems to be, a girl gets a letter from a Kano white guy.  She hasn't even seen a picture of him.  Then her parents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, etc. jump up and down like you or I would if either of us hit a triple-7 jackpot at Foxwoods.

That kind of mentality can certainly subvert the meaning of marriage.  Now it's understandable, an other wise morally straight girl can be forced into marrying a man that she does not and can not love, because her parents force her into it.  Well, that's a form of cruelty.  Just like the japioki that goes to Japan as an entertainer against her will.

I beleive that 100+ years ago, most European immigrants probably married each other for love with the exception of some arranged marriages based on tradition (I think that's an Italian tradition).  Well, in Ireland for example, a dirt poor man and a dirt poor woman might fall in love with each other.  If the parents of each one allowed it, they would marry each other for richer or for poorer.  The couple would want a better life, and would probably try to emigrate to the United States.  Life would even be a struggle in the United States, but there would be hope for improvement in the quality of life.  With real love, marriage does not revolve around acquisition of riches.

Contrast the typical Filipino mindset today.  Many want to get to the USA as soon as possible and it doesn't matter how.  In a way it's prostituting oneself to fake love over a protracted period.  Once she gets here, because there was never any love for this guy, she's a very miserable soul especially once she realizes that the money can and does quickly run out and she can't get the things she idealized.

I pity the poor Filipino guy who is trying to get ahead honestly in the Philippines.  I mean the guy who is working and studying.  The guy who might even be willing to take an overseas job out of necessity.  The economy is bad, but he's plugging along and wouldn't stick a knife in someone else's back for personal gain.  He meets and falls in love with a Filipina.  Perhaps they even plan to get married.  Then a white Kano walks into town and tries to befriend her.  She immediately dumps him and decides to marry this white Kano because of riches.  The Pinoy guy is heartbroken.

A variation on this scenario might be that the Pinay is truly in love with the Pinoy.  But her parents coerce to fake interest in a white Kono who beleives love is for real.  He proposes and they marry.  But inside she feels shortchanged, like she's missing something.  Why?  Because there was never any love in the first place.  After all it was a de facto shotgun marriage.  Well, I'm sure we all know what happens with shotgun marriages.

Well for any non-American who comes to America through marriage to a U.S. citizen, there is already a nice, pre-existing added side benefit.  The spouse's existence and subsistence in the United States.  Contrast that to immigraqnts from a given country that took several generations to become well off economically after the fore-parents decided to settle in the U.S.  Let's focus on the Philippines in particular.  Compare the mail-order-bride couple to the conventional Pinoy couple who both really truly love each other.  It will take many years for the conventional Pinoy couple that just immigrated to the United States (but with genuine love and commitment to each other) to acquire a comfortable station in America.  Contrast that to the mail-order-bride who marries a relatively well-to-do American.  But if there is no love, ultimately material things will mean nothing.  If there is love, the couple will work together to try to make the quality of life mutually satisfying to each other.

Now think about this.  Women don't necessarily marry a guy only because he has more money/earning power than she does.  Lori is a good example.  Lori does not have the same level of economic well-being as most of us and has struggled alot in her life (right here in the good ole' US of A).  One might think that she should only try to marry up.  The same principle as to why a poor Filipina might only marry for money especially if the guy is not a Filipino.  But Lori defies this principle.  Through marriage, she's temporarily (to say the least) taking an economic step backwards.  Why?  Because of love.  The labor of love.  I'm sure Lori is not going to be able to shower Thai's extended family with expensive toys like cell-phones, and I hope that Thai does not expect that out of her.  But if it is true two-way love, Lori and Thai can build a lifetime together and I'm sure, if they're both responsible, they will be better off economically someday.  In the meantime, Thai is going to have to go through an adjustment period just like anybody else who immigrates to the United State (through marriage or otherwise).

- Kevin

[Ray]

... in response to Re: Re: It rips my heart out., posted by kevin on Aug 15, 2001

do you really believe all that crap you just wrote? If so, then I am more convinced than ever that you are not ready for another relationship with a Filipina. Give it a couple more years...

Ray

[pete]

... in response to Kevin,, posted by Ray on Aug 15, 2001

Kevin,

Do yourself a favor and take step back to re-evaluate yourself. If you're so convinced that so many filipinas are bad, then stop looking for awhile. I have a hunch that your present state of mind is only going to lead you to the types you're describing, which then will reinforce your thinking that so many are bad. I said it before, maybe there is just something in your personality that somehow attracts the wrong types to you. (one of my brothers is like that...he's the nicest guy in the world but kinda simple...girls always take advantage of him and screw him over....he realizes this, yet he never changes...just happens again and again).

The truth is...there are thousands and thousands of filipinas. There are thousands and thousands of filipinas perfectly content marrying a filipino husband. The percentage marrying foreigners I suspect isn't as high as you think it might be. Perhaps, it's easy to think that everyone is trying to do it since there are so many sites on the web advertising it. Still, I find it pretty arrogant to suggest that most will dump their bf at the drop of a hat for a kano suitor...that's such a crock. (Im not saying it never happens because I know it does but please...there are tons of wonderful filipino folks out there).

Take a break, stop talking about your body functions for once, and go out and do something active to clear your head. Geta hobby. Hell, go to the PI if you want but go and learn to scuba dive (not look for a wife). Give the theorizing on evil filipinas a rest...it's played out.

Pete

[kevin]

... in response to I agree!, posted by pete on Aug 15, 2001

Don't throw any stones because you don't know what's coming your way.  No, I'm not a glutton for punishment.  The things are mentioned are first and second hand accounts of real-life siotuations.  True it's easier to remember the bad than the good.

Just like you, myself, Humabdos, and Shadow are striving for happiness.  Life just dealt us a diffent hand of cards than what you've been dealt.

And no, I'm not looking for a certain type so I can get hurt as you seem to suggest.  On the contrary, it would blow my mind that I might become attached to somebody, and realize that it's for real.  Remember, caution!  Some folks aren't as fortunate as you (perhaps) when it comes to persuit of love.

And one more thing.  I havbe more self-respect than you'd like to think.  That's why I nipped it in the bud.  I'm not "Mr. Nice Guy" who's willing to be a sucker to finish last, as you might like to think.  In all due respect I can't hold you in high regard as you seem to take subconcious pleasure in adding insult to injury when observing somebody eles's misfortune.  I know it gives you a feeling of superiority.

- Kevin