No more self-abuse...

[humabdos]

... in response to Re: No more self-abuse..., posted by Stephen on Jun 26, 2001

good advice stephen!

[Carrisse]

... in response to No more self-abuse..., posted by Howard on Jun 26, 2001

Spending time together is a must in a relationship.  My husband took a week off when I came over.  We also went to Glacier National Park in Canada for our second honeymoon.  So yes, spending time together is a must.

Can you undo this damage?  Maybe/maybe not.  It is up to you if you still want to put in anymore effort than you have already done.  Good luck!

[Carrisse]

... in response to No more self-abuse..., posted by Howard on Jun 26, 2001

From your previous posts, you've already done number 1.  So its your call now.  Who cares what her family feels if you and her separate.  Ayesa certainly don't care based on her actions.

[Bob S.]

... in response to Take number 2, posted by Carrisse on Jun 26, 2001

"Who cares what her family feels if you and her separate. Ayesa certainly don't care based on her actions."

D@mn straight girl!  If she cared one wit about what her own family or thought of her family honor, she'd try better to be a good wife.  In addition, if Howard (man, I know exactly where he is, having been there myself recently) cared about his family, he would not allow his woman to treat them so disrespectfully.  He should keep them apart.  And if that means divorcing her and leaving her to her own fate, such is life.  It's a tough call to make (Gawd! do I understand that!), but it may have to be done.  Cold, unloving, disrespectful, and unfriendly are not the characteristics of a wife a man can be proud of.  Better to let her go home and marry some pinoy from her home town where her family can keep an eye on her.

[humabdos]

... in response to Re: Take number 2, posted by Bob S. on Jun 27, 2001

Could you share you resent experence with us. Was she a filipina?  Humabdos

[Zebson]

... in response to Re: BOB, posted by humabdos on Jun 27, 2001

Yes, Bob...we would be interested in hearing anything about your own experiences in this area, to add further insight toward dealing with this type of situation....

Zeb

[Bob S.]

... in response to Re: BOB, posted by humabdos on Jun 27, 2001

"Could you share you resent experence with us. Was she a filipina?"

No, Russian.  A common experience (the short version):
Multiple trips to meet her, positive personality, affectionate, caring, doting, talks of a marriage as being a partnership, etc.
Arrives here, has typical adjustment difficulties, I bust my @ss to make it easier for her.  I see her having "relationship issues" (issues suck), pulling away, turning cold.  I chalk it up to homesickness and adjustment blues.  I felt I invested so much into this relationship already, I wasn't about to drop it just because she's experiencing what all other immigrants feel when they first arrive (the culture shock issue).
After married, things don't improve.  She gets colder and more distant.  I try to keep the lines of communication open, but it ends up being in one direction.  I'm getting no feedback oneway or another.  So I lay down the ultimatum: this ain't what I signed up for, so things gotta start improving between us (marriage counselling or whatever it takes) or it ends.  She don't do "effort", so by mutual agreement she moved out.  Our divorce paperwork is now in process.

It could have been a lot worse.  There were no false DV charges, she wants nothing mor from me (she bled me dry as a turnip already) and I want nothing from her except money for the car I bought that she is now renting from me. She knows she's really screwed up her life (I can see the stress in her face and voice now).  So, despite the wasted effort and $$$, I'm not getting angry.  I'm just letting go, wishing her good luck in her life as I get on with mine.  I have nothing against RW.  I know plenty of good Russian wives here.  But as too much of this St. Petersburg vodka has made me sick, I thought I would try something new for a change of pace.  Maybe saké?

I now have a penpal in southern Japan, and I plan to try and find a job and move there early next year.  This time _I_ will be the one to experience the culture shock and sense of displacement to see if I can take it.  And if things don't work out with this new girl, I will still be IN the Far East which will make courting a lady from there much easier (travel-wise) I hope.

And now that I've been throught it all, I'm quite familiar with the whole K-1, NOA, AOS, EAD, BFD process.  So what Howard is going through now, man, I've been there, done that, and got the very expensive T-shirt.  And I've learned that the School of Hard Knocks has a hefty tuition.  But if you can learn from the notes of others who've gone through it, it makes the final exam easier.  Realizing that it ain't working out and you have to let go is painful, but it is a necessary pain like getting a bone set: it must be done and it's gonna hurt, but you will be so glad when it's over.

[Jeff S]

... in response to A common experience..., posted by Bob S. on Jun 27, 2001

)

[Bob S.]

... in response to Sake wa honto oishi, desu-ne!, posted by Jeff S on Jun 27, 2001

(_ _) bows

[Zebson]

... in response to A common experience..., posted by Bob S. on Jun 27, 2001

Bob, thanks for relating your story..you seemed to sum up the journey quite well. Were you married long? Did you feel like this woman genuinely loved you? Did you have any problems with communication?

Zeb

[Bob S.]

... in response to Re: A common experience..., posted by Zebson on Jun 27, 2001

"Were you married long?"

No, not long at all.  She's been in the country now just over a year. (It's gonna play heck with her immigration status, but that's not my problem now.)

"Did you feel like this woman genuinely loved you?"

Not the genuine love of a good woman for a good man.  I soon started to realize that she really didn't know how to love (the real giving supportive kind of love), and I wasn't about to be dragged through years of some sick soap opera waiting for her to learn.  Better to cut bait than live HOPING she will unlearn the disfuntional patterns of her parents' broken and twisted marriage and her experiences as the girlfriend of some mafia goon.

"Did you have any problems with communication?"

Her English was fine (better than many of my coworkers).  The problem was her unwillingness to communicate.

[SteveG]

... in response to Re: Re: A common experience..., posted by Bob S. on Jun 27, 2001

Bob,
 Now that it's over, can you look back and see that there were warning signs or things that maybe you could have done different to prevent your bad marriage?  Such as taking more time to get to know her, spending more time physically together, knowing her firends and family better etc. Learning from others mistakes is one of the most important benifits of this forum, and any comments you have along these lines could reduce the risk of this happening to someone else.                  
                               SteveG

[Bob S.]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: A common experience..., posted by SteveG on Jun 28, 2001

"...can you look back and see that there were warning signs..."

With 20/20 hindsight, yes, there were clear warning signs.  But I chose to ignore them and was too ready to chalk them up as "culture shock" transition issues.  And since she had given up so much to come here, I was ready to cut her some slack and give her a chance to get over whatever her issues were.

"...or things that maybe you could have done different to prevent your bad marriage?"

Yes.  Listen to that gnawing little voice and backed out sooner, like before I signed my name to that piece of paper saying "I do." -)

IMHO, it is difficult to get to know the real person in such a short time frame.  The few weeks or months spent over there, she can be a gracious host, playing the role her society expects of her.  The first two months over here she is still in the big-eyed "tourist to America" mode.  The settling-in phase doesn't really start for 4 to 5 months.  That is when the real person starts to show herself.  If she's a good person then great, but if not then you're hosed.  If there is some congressman trying to change the law to turn the 90 day K-1 time limit to 180 days (a better time frame to gage compatibility I think), I'd gladly contribute to his re-election campaign.

Loosening the laws for visitor visas, tourist visas, and student visas so they could come for up to 4-6 months at a time (sort of a pre-adjustment period before filing the K-1) would also not be a bad thing.