Progress Report

[Howard]

Guy/Gals

First of all I am BEGGING the conspiracy theorists to NOT pile on this time.  I know
some of you, of us, have had, or are having, difficulties adjusting to our circumstances, but
PLEASE give me enough to know my wife and myself.  In thirty-five years on this planet,
getting to know people has been a hobby of mine.  I love to know what makes people tick.
I am observant and quick to read a situation.  Yes, when affairs of the heart are involved, I
can be slow to catch on--like so many others :c)--but I’m not completely blind.  I realize
that everyone wants me to succeed.  So please don’t make me defend my wife or her
pontial motivation(s) like last time.  Again, I appreciate EVERYONE’S point of view, but
I am at my wit’s end.  If I hear too many more “Green Card Scam” references, I will
quietly hang myself from the rafters of the garage!

That being said, I have almost nothing to report.

I stay away mostly out of embarrassment.  Oh how the Almighty has a way of humbling
loud mouths like me :c)  I can’t go to my friends, because they don’t have any point of
reference to advise me from.  They try to comfort me, but I just end answering the smae
questions over and over and over and over, etc... again.

I have tried to use the heart-felt advice I get on here, but it seems to get me nowhere.  My
wife and I seem to shatter stereotypes.  That makes it rather difficult to put a finger on
what’s going on.

The best I can tell is that she is still crippled by homesickness.  Her family is very close to
the fighting in the South and that has made communications, which were slow in the first
place, almost non-existant!  I keep trying to comfort her, but she won’t buy it.  Over the
last couple of months she has almost completely pulled away from me.  The good news is
that she isn’t talking to her pals here anymore, if you can call that good.  She goes to work
and she sleeps.  She keeps the house clean, but that’s it.  She won’t go shopping with me
and social engagements are out of the question.  I get one of two answers when I ask her
if she wants to do something, other than lie on the couch watching MTV that is.  “I’m
tired” or “I don’t feel good”  I snapped at her over the weekend and pointed out that she
never “... feels good”  Of course that went over well :c)

I don’t know what anyone can do, but I felt that I should give everyone an update.  We
usually get something accomplished brainstorming here, so please... Storm away :c)

Desperately trying to Keep the Faith,

Howard

[shadow]

... in response to Progress Report, posted by Howard on Jun 19, 2001

Hi Howard!
Not exactly the kind of progress report I had hoped to hear from you. I do understand the frusteration, guess maybe I was one of the lucky ones not to have to go through it for months or years on end.

I've read all the posts, and must say I agree with the general consensus. At the very least, a trip to the PI should give her the opportunity to decide what it is she really wants out of life. She should have no illusions anymore about life in the land of milk and honey. Maybe now, after some time to think about things in her own environment, she could reach an educated decision she can live with the rest of her life. I think it's possible many MOB relationship problems such as yours and mine derived much out of illusions, and expectations that were too high, or expectations of something else entirely.

Peace be with you, whatever road you travel.

Larry.

"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, possibly the feeling is mutual. If not, it never was."

[Stephen]

... in response to Re: Progress Report, posted by shadow on Jun 20, 2001

Hey Larry:

Good to hear from you again.  It's been quite a while since you posted.  Tell us what's going on.

Glad you stopped by.

Stephen

[shadow]

... in response to Re: Re: Progress Report, posted by Stephen on Jun 20, 2001

Well, in the last 6 weeks, I've been in mexico, canada, and many points in between on numerous occasions. Met a lot of people, saw a lot of things, bought a few cars, sold a few more, had my computer stolen, convinced a nice police officer not to arrest me, it's been an interesting time. "Round and 'round and 'round she goes, where she'll stop, nobody knows!!  
Larry.

[Carrisse]

... in response to Re: Progress Report, posted by shadow on Jun 20, 2001

I've been meaning to send you an email.  Since you're already here, let me take this opportunity to say---

I'm sorry, please forgive me...

...for all the hateful things I've said in the past
...for all the assumptions I've made about you

I'm really sorry.

[shadow]

... in response to Unfinished business....hello Larry, posted by Carrisse on Jun 20, 2001

All is forgiven. I too said some things I regret. I do understand why you were offended by my postings, and I knew beforehand I would be offending someone.  I hope you can understand why I reacted the way I did with some of the girls involved. Some of them, I'm sure, didn't deserve the interogation they got. Others, though, proved to be the perfect example of deceit. If I learned one thing, I guess it would be the fact that I now know to look behind the pretty, sweet smile. They all seem SOOO sweet at first! As in all cultures, creatures, and chryslers, sometimes the cancer is covered with paint, and only by scraping below the surface will you find the holes and cracks in the chassis.    (OK, I admit, I've been to a few too many auto auctions lately!)  

Howard's story, word for word, sounds as though a chapter out of my days with Myrna. I don't believe she had malicious intents, it just wasn't what she was expecting or wanted it to be, and it just turned out that way.  Unlike Howard's story, she wouldn't allow any time or the chance to find out. It was bad for her when she got off the plane, and there was nothing I could do to change that.

A friend of mine told me she made it back to the PI, and is married to a pinoy already. I hope so, I wish her the happiness she couldn't find here.

A sensei once told me "You cannot control your surroundings, but you can control your reactions", In this case, I think I failed the test, teach!

Larry the lousy student!  

[Dave H2O]

... in response to Re: Unfinished business....hello Carriss..., posted by shadow on Jun 20, 2001

Hi Larry,

Myrna sounds a lot like my ex-wife, Kevin's and Hum's. I know you want the best for her, as I do for my ex. But, I doubt she will be happy...her choice. My ex met a guy and moved out and in with him 2 weeks later. In a few months they were married. She has spent the last 6 years unhappily married, regretting her mistakes. She went from the queen of my heart, to the queen of misery. In the Philippines, the mistake (marriage) doesn't go away. My ex is now waiting for a better deal to come along and has admitted it to me. Her husband has even knocked on my door crying, asking me for advice. I told him to run away from her as fast as he could. Potential husband #3 got laid off so #2 foolishly took her back.

You are right about Filipinas. "They all seem SOOO sweet at first!" Don't worry about being a lousy student. If I did good this time, I had nothing to do with it. I'm still trying to learn how to roll with the punches, instead of taking it square in the jaw.

Hey it's great to see a Shadow post. Take care of yourself. Stay away from Hum. I heard you hung out with Hum recently. I also heard he's a slave driver. ;o)) Even the Mexicans won't hang out with him. ;o)))

Dave H.

[shadow]

... in response to Re: Re: Unfinished business....hello Car..., posted by Dave H2O on Jun 21, 2001

Hey Dave!
Yeh, Hum is a hell of a slave driver!!    Put blisters on my arse sitting in the truck watching him drive those slaves!! Made me tired, too.    I don't learn easy though, I'll go back for more. (Soon's the blisters go away) Them Mexican's just woosies!  Not tough enough to hang out with Hum!!!!  (NO offense intended, anyone)

As for Myrna, at least her mother will be happy to have her staying at home in the PI. If it's a mistake, she should have plenty of time to think about it.

[Dave H2O]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Unfinished business....hello..., posted by shadow on Jun 21, 2001

Hi Shadow,

I think Hum is looking for volunteers to help him build his Nipa Hut. He will probably make them swim the bamboo back from Hawaii. LOL

Dave H.

[Don J]

... in response to Progress Report, posted by Howard on Jun 19, 2001

Howard:

It's obvious that there are some serious issues that your relationship is going through. I agree with the majority on the board in suggesting a return trip to the Philippines for Ayesa, however on her own with the stipulation that you will also return there to bring her home when she knows that is what she wants.

My wife had experienced a bad case of homesickness when she arrived here, however we did not have the communication problems that you are having. It was only a couple months into our marriage that I took action and sent her to visit her sister in New Jersey for a week and I truly believe it was a smart move. Her attitude improved greatly in knowing that family was only a few hours away and that she was not a prisoner in our house. The longer it takes to set things right (what ever the turnout) the more things will manifest into a ugly situation.

I believe all those things you found in Ayesa that made you fall in love with her will surface again once she has the time to talk with those who have taught her her values and once she has resolved in her own mind what direction to take she will be fair with you in the solution of the problems you are having.

I said it many times on this board that communication and patients is very important in making any relationship work. It is obvious and I can certainly appreciate that your patients are wearing very thin at this point and the lack of communication will only push you farther apart. Take action now!, be gentle in explaining why you think this is the best thing to do for both of your sakes.

Howard, I love my wife more than I have ever loved anyone in my life, however the day we left her home to come to the US I saw such grieve on her face that I told her that I would understand if she wish to stay behind. I explained that it would not be easy to travel home alone and that I would be miserable without her, but I would be more miserable having her with me regretting her decision to leave her family. The end result speaks for itself (thusfar) and I pray it will continue as I pray that your problems are resolved. Stay strong, whatever the outcome, as they say "it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all". With the help of our lord you will both survive.

My prayers are with you both.
Don J

[Stephen]

... in response to Re: Progress Report, posted by Don J on Jun 20, 2001

Don't stay away so long.

And you had some good advice to give in this post.

Stpehen

[jim in the pis]

... in response to Progress Report, posted by Howard on Jun 19, 2001

howard,
i really think that both of you need a trip over here.
i have spent almost a year here with my wife, and the longer i stay, the more convinced i am that she can't handle the states. so i am gearing up to just be here permanetly.
i got the phone bill today there were 47 calls on it, none mine, to here sister in manila her brother in leyte, her mother in davo etc, her friends and her family if she was in the states, i dont think she would be happy. and my wife will be 30 this sunday so she is pretty level headed.
if you cant come, the send her over, then you come when you can, family is te most important thing in the filipio's life, from my point of view.
just my 2 p worth
hopeing for the best for both of you
jim joanne and jay

[Carrisse]

... in response to Re: Progress Report, posted by jim in the pis on Jun 20, 2001

and not all can do what you are doing right now.  Besides, Filipinas with foreign boyfriends/fiances know what they are going into.  We know that we need to uproot and go to a strange land--unless the guy wants to stay in RP.  But corresponding and accepting his love means that there are consequences to be faced.  This is not a drill.

Family is the most important thing for the Pinoys its true but when you married someone--that someone becomes your immediate family.

So to all Filipinas lurking out there who are in this situation--be aware of what you are getting into and be prepared.  Be prepared for homesickness that will never go away and for culture shock as massive as a thousand volt electricity.  Most of all, if you cannot tear away from your family then leave the relationship and find a Pinoy lover.

[jim in the pis]

... in response to But, marriage is a compromise, posted by Carrisse on Jun 20, 2001

you hit the nail on the head. i have compromised for my wife. i mean i sure miss a super wal-mart, where i can get everything at one place, and sit when i am tired of shopping.
and america is a huge shock, people dont go out of there way to make friends with you, over here, all the cops are my friends, well i guess i finally payed them enought.
my choise is to be supportive of joanne. she does a great job with jay.
and also, in the US we would not have house keepers , 24 hr gaurds, yard men , etc.
but even though my wife is married to me, still she has HER family. the one that calls me the white guy. you cant take years of family away by saying you are married, your husband is your family, it just dont work like that.
IMHO
jim joanne and jay

[Ray]

... in response to But, marriage is a compromise, posted by Carrisse on Jun 20, 2001

Hey Carrisse...You should be running those CFO classes back home :-)

Ray