Character

[Streetwise]

Recent posts illustrate how the dark side of a person's character may be kept hidden until it is too late.

That's why I have a new Mantra: check out the family, check out the social circle. It's difficult to be certain of a woman's true character based on isolated meetings of limited duration (and you can disregard the phone calls and letters, anyone can portray any image they want in them.) If you are a keen judge of character and can pick up on genuine body language and behavioural patterns, you may make an accurate assessment, but usually there must be an element of uncertainty however small.

So I say again, if she comes from a stable, solid family background, and if she has an established social circle of good and decent people, this speaks far more than any impression you can get from a few fleeting meetings. These established personal relations will have shaped her character and how she relates to others, and genuine long term friendships could not have been sustainable if her character was seriously flawed (some of these bad girls may target westerners but the same girls will also fleece their own when the opportunity arises, it is the same basic instinct at play.)  

Steer clear of those who appear to be loners, whose social circle is transient and dubious in any way. Try to focus on those who have been raised in a happy family situation and who remain close to their family. These are the real character witnesses.

[Frank O]

... in response to Character , posted by Streetwise on Jun 15, 2005

My wife's family was great. She came from an upper middle class by Ukrainian standards Christian (Orthodox & Lutheran) Background, both parents (father militaty & mother housewife), & great siblings. Not sure what went wrong. Her friends were WRONG. I didn't realize this till later. Many "street" people. Drug users etc. For some reason or other she gravitates towards these type of people & situations. IT's part of what has me so down. The lie about the smoking was just the surface. It was the fact there WAS a lie. After that things just went downhill. I realize she suffers from much low esteem. She saw pics of my ex girlfriends & was VERY intimidated. She commented about one "She looks like a professional model. I'm NOT like that". She failed to realize I MARRIED her & the other could NOT hold a candle to her. What a shame.

[Craigjjs]

... in response to Character , posted by Streetwise on Jun 15, 2005


Sorry to be the turd in the punchbowl, but I can't agree with the emphasis on the "solid family background" and "happy family situation".  If dad is an alcoholic and beats his wife, is the daughter a guaranteed loser?  If mom is divorced or widowed and works 16 hours a day to support her kids, is that a predictor of bad character for the kids? Why not run a credit check on the parents, have everyone take the SAT's, a psychological evaluation and approval from the local clergy and police?

I know too many fine people from poor, one-parent homes; Too many fine people with a limited number of friends or who devote themselves to their work or other passions.  Some of the kindest, smartest, best people I know overcame adversity i their lives.  I have also met my share of dishonest, devious sociopaths who came from Leave It To Beaver families.  I am sure there are plenty of guys who had failed relationships with FSU women who had good families, etc.  Plenty of divorcees miss their inlaws more than their ex-spouses.

Family and friend dynamics are factors to be considered with many others.  There is no shortcut to really getting to know someone, particularly a person from a different culture.  IMHO, apart from the occassional lightning strike, truly happy marriages result when couples can communicate with and understand each other (language is good start).

Sorry for the pesimism, but your analysis smells of an elitism that goes against my grain.

Craig

[Streetwise]

... in response to Re: Character , posted by Craigjjs on Jun 15, 2005

It was meant as a general guideline, not a cast iron rule. I simply believe that the aura which surrounds a person, as seen though their background AND the kind of company they keep, must give some clues regarding their personal disposition. Scenarios like the single mother working long hours do not preclude a healthy upbringing. Still, if  being raised with strong moral guidance by diligent parents, and learning through guidance and experience from an early age such values as loyalty, honesty and how to treat other people, are irrelevant, then I stand corrected.

[Felinessa]

... in response to Character , posted by Streetwise on Jun 15, 2005

Just a suggestion, but it seems that a lot of people get married without having spent a lot of time together, which you wouldn't do if you were to marry a local woman.

Maybe instead of getting her over here on a K visa, you could get her to apply to school? That's particularly useful if she already has a BA.  Most MA programs last 1-2 years, and grad students get scholarships and TA-ships, so you wouldn't have to dish major money on her.  Perhaps she could live with you, and in the course of 1-2 years, you could see if you can get along and whether she has a plan. Plus, when you marry, she'll have a degree and a good chance for a job, so you don't get stuck with a princess.  Just don't offer to pay for school - let her do the work, because that reveals character as well.  

Now I realize that it won't work in every case, but there are a lot of smart, educated women out there, and Russians are definitely more likely to be educated than Latinas or Asians.  It's worth a shot, everybody wins, and you're not tied up at the end of her degree.

[tim360z]

... in response to Re: Character , posted by Felinessa on Jun 15, 2005

Same Old Shlt!  Not a bad idea Ms. Felinessa.  How on earth does any sane guy (or woman) get married after spending 7-14 days together???  It takes quite some time to really know someone...and yourself.  The whole quickie myth of the MOB is a bad joke whereby after a week or 2,  the idea of marriage is ever considered.  

I got a buddy just got married last month to a former FSU girl.  She had 3 years of university here.  Then 2 1/2  years on a B visa working here.  They dated for 2 full years and THEN they got married.  She is a really nice girl. His friends are a tad jealous.  But,  the key here, is they had 2 full years in a normal relationship BEFORE marriage.  

This whole MOB thing attracts some very strange squirels. with some even stranger ideas about women.

[tim360z]

... in response to SOS, posted by tim360z on Jun 15, 2005

...But we human beings,  as all hominoids, are a very comparative species.  We are constantly comparing,  even on the subconscious level.  And after a little time here, bombarded by our pervasive culture,  the FSU girl realizes has has married a jerk---or worse.  The buyers remorse sets in.  And things get ugly,  'cuz she want OUT of the deal.

[WmGo]

... in response to Character , posted by Streetwise on Jun 15, 2005

Excellent advice. Agree 100%.