Time for me to DUMP this lady?

[CalifSur]

I think it might be time for me to drop the Colombiana I met on my recent trip. Please tell me if you think I am WRONG or way off base?
 
I am open to input from all but I am especially interested in input from guys with actual EXPERIENCE in Colombia such as: RESEARCHER, RAYCJS, FATHERTIME, ANDY LEE, DL, MICKY, UTOPIAN COWBOY, etc.
 
I just met this girl through an agency in Barranqilla. She is in her early 30's, has no kids, and attended university but did not finish.
 
In my recent trip report I mentioned there were a few red flags but I provided no specifics. I am laying all my cards on the table now.
 
I mentioned in a previous thread that she asked to "borrow" money from me so she could buy her Mom a B-Day gift AFTER ONLY OUR THIRD DATE.  See link to thread below. Yes, that was me posting under a different name. Sorry for being so coy but THANKS to all of those who replied to that thread.
 
http://www.planet-love.com/index.php?topic=6201.0
 
I know she was NOT lying about it being her Mom's B-Day because I had dinner with my gal and her Mom the day after her Mom's B-Day.  Her Mom works as a nurse and is self-supporting. They do NOT live together.
 
After she asked to "borrow" the money, I gave her NADA ($0) and told her it was too early to bring money into the relationship.  She AGREED but some of her subsequent actions have me thinking it's time to say goodbye.  Of course, I COULD HAVE dumped her right then and there. But I decided (rightly or wrongly) to give her another chance.
 
She made no mention of money the rest of the trip EXCEPT for the following situations:
 
1. A few days later in Cartagena we were at the beach. She bought some very CHEAP braclets for HERSELF from some vendors at the beach with MY MONEY.  She did this in FULL VIEW of me but WITHOUT ASKING.  I had given her money to buy us water and ice cream. She used the change to buy the braclets.  We are talking no more than $5 USD. But the PRINCIPLE of it really pissed me off. I called her on it later that day. She apologized and said, "Ok, I won't do that again." Still, give this gal a MasterCard at the mall and who knows what she'd do!
 
2. The next day at the airport in Barranqilla she "requested" cab fare home. She lives in Barranqilla and had come to the airport to wait with me and say goodbye.  All pretty reasonable so far.  HOWEVER, she "padded" her request by stating she had go to a doctor's apt the next day before work.  It was NOT clear if she was merely asking for extra money for the cab fare to the doctor's apt or for help paying for the doctor's visit.  I asked her "How Much?" to see how outlandish of a request she was making.  She would only say, "Whatever you are comfortable with giving?"  I think I have her $40.
 
3. Post-Trip:  Back over two weeks now. No mention of money AT ALL from her. HOWEVER, I did get the following e-mail from her yesterday.  She is thinking about going to Bogota for better job opporunities. 
 
Her e-mail to me SPANISH is repeated in FULL below.  After that I have translated (with help from a Latino buddy) the BOLDED part of her e-mail in ENGLISH.
 
HER E-MAIL in SPANISH in FULL:
"Buenos Dias mi bebe deseo que estes bien, ya regrese de mis cortas vacaciones y me fue muy bien. Lo disfrute mucho al lado de mi familia querida... Amor te cuento que visite ayer a mi madre y me dijo que lo mejor es que me vaya para bogota, por que aqui en barranquilla no veo progreso. Ademas amor bogota es la capital del pais y hay mas oportunidades... voy a empezar hacer maletas hoy por que me voy a bogota en estos dias no me he marchado por que solo me preocupa la estadia alla en bogota... Por que todo es mas costoso y necesito tener buenos ahorros mientras empiezo a trabajar... Y bueno gracias a DIOS ya tengo una propuesta de empleo alla...Pero necesito estar bien en mis primeros dias en esa nueva ciudad, por que la verdad no quiero padecer necesidades... bueno mi amor te regalo muchos besos y abrazos y espero una pronta llamada... tu princesa que te extraña mucho y te lleva en lo mas profundo de su corazon..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
The ENGLISH TRANSLATION of HER E-MAIL (Bolded Parts ONLY):
"I am going to start packing my bags today because I am going to Bogota soon.  I am peroccupied with Bogota and how I can remain there.  Because everything is more expensive and I need to have good savings to begin work there.  Thank god I have a job offer there. But I will have to do good in my first days in that new city because I do NOT currently have what it takes to make it there."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
I didn't mean to write a novel but I wanted to lay out all the details. That e-mail is NOT so bad but I do think she is indirectly asking for help. She KNOWS not to ask directly because I would go nuts. But she is sort of pulling on my heart strings a bit there.
 
In this woman's defense, I do NOT think she is a green card shark.  BEFORE we met she had a date through the agency with a Doctor from the U.S. She said all he did was talk about himself and she had no physical attraction to him. Of course, that is her verion of events.  I made it clear to her I do NOT make a Doctor's salary. But I am sure that a college educated, middle class American (like myself) looks rich or at least very comfortable to her.
 
This gal has also made it clear to me she wants a long-term relationship WITH ME that evolves into marriage, kids, etc.  She also introduced me to her Mother and invited me to her home. We have an undeniable chemistry.  HOWEVER, I have some serious doubts.  I recall a Mexicana I met in Mexico a few years back.  She ALSO wanted all those things with me but she NEVER asked me for a DIME!
 
I was out last night with my buddy who helped with the e-mail translation. He was like, "Cut her now. You don't need the headache." 
 
Next thing I know we are chatting to this BEAUTIFUL Colombiana from Cali. We don't have many Colombians on the west coast of the U.S.  As I talked to this girl I was thinking, "There are a TON of ladies in Colombia including this beauty right in front of me."  Time to move on??? 
 
So my thinking is I am done with this gal.  What are your thoughts?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

[Researcher]

     Bottom line is Califsur it sounds like your gut is telling you to move on. You will run across women in dire need and they will be tempted to ask for money.It doesn't mean that this is all they want from you. The only true test if a woman sees you as an ATM is if you refuse to give her money and she dumps you. Whatever the case may be your friend has it right: You don't need the headache.Why does she need to move to Bogota? Does she have a job opportunity there? It all could be excuses to get money out of you, that's how alot of women do it, with made up sob stories.If she is legit then you see what you have in store for you and that is your decision. But if I were in your shoes I would be thinking the same thing.There are plenty of women out there that don't come with this kind of baggage.

     Researcher

[beginthebeguin]

Simple solution to this really. Tell her to forward you her BOG address when she gets established AT THAT ADDRESS. Tell her you will forward her a small sum of money to tide her over until her salary kicks in. No cambio transaction, forward the money to a bank for pick up, and specify that address she gives you. If she is legit she gets the money. If she shows a different address the bank balks, because if she moves to a different city does she not have to apply for a new ID document with a new address?
Colombia vets help me out here. If a colombiana establishes a new address in a different dept. and city does she not have to change her id documents?   

[AndyLee]

Yeah, I'm reluctant to say it, but I have to agree with Rese. When there are this many red flags it's best just move on. This is like the fourth time she's hit you up for money and it will only get more demanding. I've received several letters with similar stories from women and it always leads to a more direct request for money.
Now that you have your sea legs in Colombia you will find dozens of girls just as hot, just as sincere, just as lovable. Don't let it get you down, although I know you will feel bad about it for a while.
Good luck
AndyL

[robert angel]

I have to agree with the guys here and also with a bit of reluctance, as we certainly don't know the 'whole' story. That said, the best ladies I have met and considered as great wife candidates never asked me for a cent, despite it being rather obvious at times that they were struggling financially, if I looked and considered their situation over time.
For some women, not asking for money was a matter of personal pride and upbringing, for some it was the realization that it was a way to scare a potential husband off--they were smart. For some, both reasons. What's hard is as you get deeper and deeper into a relationship emotionally, physically and financially, making trips, etc, it becomes harder to 'dump her' (doesn't that sound sweet?) and we just 'settle' and stay with that person, looking past the red flags. Been there, done that and I guess I'll always have challenges making definitive breakups--guess I'm saying  "Consider doing as I say, not as I've done."
God willing, the rest of your life is a long time and even if you have to start over, meeting new women, finding one with whom your comfort level, which is obviously already challenged here, might be well worth your time. If she's having little niggling needs and emergencies already and you're financing them, I can all but assure you they'll become more frequent and larger in scope as time goes by. If she's not in the habit of being responsible with money now, it's doubtful that she'll aquire the skill later.

[Traveler]

Look, with most colombianas, they do expect some degree of financial support from the guy.  That is their culture, and it is common in the third world.  And yes, it is clear that she was hinting to you that she needs money.  "Borrowing" does not exist for colombianas, as well.  By "borrow" they mean "give me cash".  Do NOT expect to get the money back.  Also, do realize, that most rich colombianos do provide financial assistance to their girlfriends.  That is a cultural thing, and that's the main reason why the women there are often spoiled in this regard and often expect money and gifts.
 
Now, is it too soon for her to ask for assistance?  I don't know how close and intimate you guys are, and what your comfort level with this type of a thing is.  Letting her to buy $5 bracelets at the beach is really not a big deal IMHO, and I definitely would not get angry over that.  Also, it is clear that this girl looks for a guy who will assist her financially, and if you will not be willing or able to do that, she will most likely move on if she finds one who does.  And if you do marry her, she will expect you to really support her financially.
 
My personal opinion is that buying small gifts or paying taxi fare is not a big deal at all.  Giving cash is.  I don't think it is appropriate given the type of a relationship you have.
 
To put it in a perspective, imagine this scenario.  You met the same girl, you really liked her, however...  you live hand to mouth and barely have enough money to survive, and on top of that you have some large expenses in the future, and she has a sizable disposable income.  What type of assistance, if any, would you feel comfortable asking her for?

[colcorazon]

Dude I actually want you to be successful thats why i have been trying to give you advice:
 
Dump her now cmon she sees you as a sugar daddy atm.
 
But i do want to state 2 things:
 
1) you were not direct from day 1 nor did you lay down expectations.... you let her run you.
 
2) As i stated before women who see you as a sugar daddy atm will be weeded out if you are VERY CLEAR and upfront about it from meeting 1 and or cast them off if you see ANY sign of it during your trip. you should have said "I donot think it is appropriate to bring money into the relation at this stage. (YOU said you did good but then continue to  say...) I appreciate your time but I donot feel we are compatible for a future serious relationship."
 
At this point pay her cab home or let her make her own way home .. either works.
 
 
This is what happens when someone ISNT direct and upfront from DAY 1.
 
But those guys you listed above dont feel that way.
 
So i guess well be hearing about more trips like this? i hope not.
 
TAKE MY ADVICE PLEASE.

[CalifSur]

Now, is it too soon for her to ask for assistance?  I don't know how close and intimate you guys are, and what your comfort level with this type of a thing is.  Letting her to buy $5 bracelets at the beach is really not a big deal IMHO, and I definitely would not get angry over that.  Also, it is clear that this girl looks for a guy who will assist her financially, and if you will not be willing or able to do that, she will most likely move on if she finds one who does.  And if you do marry her, she will expect you to really support her financially.
 
My personal opinion is that buying small gifts or paying taxi fare is not a big deal at all.  Giving cash is.  I don't think it is appropriate given the type of a relationship you have.
 

Traveller: Thanks for the reply. I didn't mean to sound petty about the $5 bracelets. HOWEVER, given that she'd already hit me up for money it was just another red flag. Also, she did NOT ASK ME to buy it for her. She bought them with my money without even asking.
 
I LIKE to buy women gifts but I PREFER it to be my IDEA.

[CalifSur]

Dude I actually want you to be successful thats why i have been trying to give you advice:
 
Dump her now cmon she sees you as a sugar daddy atm.
 
But i do want to state 2 things:
 
1) you were not direct from day 1 nor did you lay down expectations.... you let her run you.
 
2) As i stated before women who see you as a sugar daddy atm will be weeded out if you are VERY CLEAR and upfront about it from meeting 1 and or cast them off if you see ANY sign of it during your trip. you should have said "I donot think it is appropriate to bring money into the relation at this stage. (YOU said you did good but then continue to  say...) I appreciate your time but I donot feel we are compatible for a future serious relationship."
 
At this point pay her cab home or let her make her own way home .. either works.
 
 
This is what happens when someone ISNT direct and upfront from DAY 1.
 
But those guys you listed above dont feel that way.
 
So i guess well be hearing about more trips like this? i hope not.
 
TAKE MY ADVICE PLEASE.

You can go to hell or maybe even Colombia someday. In the meantime, do me a favor and keep your "advice" to yourself.

[CalifSur]

I have to agree with the guys here and also with a bit of reluctance, as we certainly don't know the 'whole' story. That said, the best ladies I have met and considered as great wife candidates never asked me for a cent, despite it being rather obvious at times that they were struggling financially, if I looked and considered their situation over time.
For some women, not asking for money was a matter of personal pride and upbringing, for some it was the realization that it was a way to scare a potential husband off--they were smart. For some, both reasons. What's hard is as you get deeper and deeper into a relationship emotionally, physically and financially, making trips, etc, it becomes harder to 'dump her' (doesn't that sound sweet?) and we just 'settle' and stay with that person, looking past the red flags. Been there, done that and I guess I'll always have challenges making definitive breakups--guess I'm saying  "Consider doing as I say, not as I've done."
God willing, the rest of your life is a long time and even if you have to start over, meeting new women, finding one with whom your comfort level, which is obviously already challenged here, might be well worth your time. If she's having little niggling needs and emergencies already and you're financing them, I can all but assure you they'll become more frequent and larger in scope as time goes by. If she's not in the habit of being responsible with money now, it's doubtful that she'll aquire the skill later.

 
First of all, MANY thanks to the thoughtful replies (Researcher, Andy Lee, etc.).
 
Robert:  Wow, you really hit a chord with me.  Thanks for sharing! I really appreciate it.

[robert angel]

Calisur:
Helping each other is what we're here for--along with some entertainment on occasion. That said, please realize that my thoughts are based on experience with Filipinos and Latinos based in the USA--I haven't been further south (yet)than the Belize & Guatemala border.
 
I feel that there are more similarities than differences, such as in the Philippines, if someone asks you to 'loan' them money, you'd best realize you're never going to get it back--that they probably feel that as you're obviously well off enough to part with that money, that they should consider it more like a gift and they typically do as such
 
I think Traveler added some good points, based on first hand experience I presume, about Colombianas and their culture and how gifts, cash money and loans are perceived there. That's something you have to recognize and balance. It looks like the consensus is that you might well consider moving on, but we can all learn from what most of the guys here have to say. It's great that you seem to absorbing this, while balancing it all with a sound mind and a good heart.

Sometimes, we're TOO good hearted! LOL. If a beggar asked my sister for a five bucks and she didn't have it, she'd probably ask "Can you take a check?' My 14 y/o son, when he saw a street side beggar holding a "Money for food" sign and I told him "Son, 98% of the time, the money you give these guys goes to cigarettes, drink and drugs--I've been in the shelters"--His response--"Dad--if you're THAT worried, why don't we take him out to dinner?' I dunno--maybe it's genetic....

[CalifSur]

Simple solution to this really. Tell her to forward you her BOG address when she gets established AT THAT ADDRESS. Tell her you will forward her a small sum of money to tide her over until her salary kicks in. No cambio transaction, forward the money to a bank for pick up, and specify that address she gives you. If she is legit she gets the money. If she shows a different address the bank balks, because if she moves to a different city does she not have to apply for a new ID document with a new address?
Colombia vets help me out here. If a colombiana establishes a new address in a different dept. and city does she not have to change her id documents?

Interesting idea. However, I think I will refrain from sending anything to her.
 
She has shown effort by improving and practicing her limited English. She bought an English dictionary, etc. She has far more limited resrouces than I do so I think that did impress me.  There is a sincere aspect to her for sure. So I didn't mean to sound ALL negative.
 
I COULD have her come to the U.S. to visit me on a tourist visa and see how it goes for us on a 2nd visit.  At this point, I don't think she is worth a 2nd trip to Colombia.  But as others have pointed out, as the relationship deepens things only get more complicated and her requests may get more lavish. 

[Researcher]

     Califsur, she's a young single woman with no reason to return to Colombia, I don't think she could get a tourist visa so easily. These guys have made some good points and I have to say from experience if she is asking for money now she will probably continue. Yes, many of these women do expect some form of support or something money wise from their gringo novios but not all of them do. My wife has never asked me for money and her family has trouble accepting gifts from me. They are very proud. I got lucky in that respect so it is possible to find a woman that won't ask.


     Researcher

[Jeff S]

The whole point Sur is that you date to find out what people are like. You found out what she is like. Is that what you want for the rest of your life? ...because in spite of what people say - they really don't change. They are what they are. If that's what you want - keep dating. If not, say goodbye and move on. These aren't things that can be conversed out before dating, only revealed when interacting. It sounds to me like you've already made your decision. Just keep it straightforward and real and don't look back.

[dennislevy]

She may well have dumped you.....with the I am going to Bogota letter. Could be true, bt iss probably an excuse. 
In the event that it IS true, do you really fel that trongly about her that you would go to Bogota to puruse her.............

Colombianas almost never say what they are really thinking or what is really happening.  It s almost unknown for a Colombian woman to say look I m not that interested in you, now that I know you, I think I can do better.

The words like amor, mi cielo mean nothing, they are just words to  be polite.

if you havent already done it, my advice is,.... just reply and say. thanks for everything, I hope that you are happy and find success in your life and that you find a good man.....and sign off

And then FORGET about her.....and MOVE ON, there are jsut a TON of women in Colombia.....and if you re determined and you want to strick at it, you will find  one that is a way better match.

As a generalization, costenas tend  to ask for money....they may see it as they are entitled to something for their time, they want to test your sincerity....or you haveiti and they dont have it......but it is one of thfundamental disconnects betqwrrn  he gringo and costéna culture.  many girls simply don t understand why you don t  want to give the money....

The story about buyign the trinkets on the beach with the change is typical....There is joke in Colombia among gringos

Q What disappears faster then anything in Colombia
A  The change from a 20,000 peso bill that you gve a chica

OK....

Dennis

[Traveler]

What DL said about costenas IMO applies to colombianas in general.  Well, I don't have much experience with ladies from Bogota, maybe they are different in that regard, but I doubt that.
 
The vast majority of women in Colombia will expect you to buy them gifts and give them advances if you are dating.  Why?  Because rich colombian guys do that, and women get used to expect that.  It is a different culture, and you have to develop a strategy to dealing with that because if you continue to pursue colombianas this scenario will be repeating time and again. 
 
And honestly the main reason why colombianas are so open to relationships with gringos is because they equate them with rich colombian guys (who are relatively scarce given the demand, especially on the coast) who can get them also to the US where jobs are plentiful, salaries are high, clothes are cheap, there is no crime, and everyone drives a BMW and lives in a huge house.  But if a woman is serous about dating you, an American, she has to learn and understand difference in culture as well, including where it deals with issues of financial support.  I also do think that if a woman is truly in love with a guy, she would not be hitting him up for cash, regardless of the culture - but do not expect a woman to fall in love with you if you just visited her for a few days and exchanged some emails.  Until (and if) she learns to appreciate your own sincerity and your own qualities beyond the socioeconomic benefits you might provide you will be just a substitute for a rich colombian boyfriend, and do not be surprised if she acts accordingly.

[CalifSur]

She may well have dumped you.....with the I am going to Bogota letter. Could be true, bt iss probably an excuse. 
In the event that it IS true, do you really fel that trongly about her that you would go to Bogota to puruse her.............

Colombianas almost never say what they are really thinking or what is really happening.  It s almost unknown for a Colombian woman to say look I m not that interested in you, now that I know you, I think I can do better.

The words like amor, mi cielo mean nothing, they are just words to  be polite.

if you havent already done it, my advice is,.... just reply and say. thanks for everything, I hope that you are happy and find success in your life and that you find a good man.....and sign off

And then FORGET about her.....and MOVE ON, there are jsut a TON of women in Colombia.....and if you re determined and you want to strick at it, you will find  one that is a way better match.

As a generalization, costenas tend  to ask for money....they may see it as they are entitled to something for their time, they want to test your sincerity....or you haveiti and they dont have it......but it is one of thfundamental disconnects betqwrrn  he gringo and costéna culture.  many girls simply don t understand why you don t  want to give the money....

The story about buyign the trinkets on the beach with the change is typical....There is joke in Colombia among gringos

Q What disappears faster then anything in Colombia
A  The change from a 20,000 peso bill that you gve a chica

OK....

Dennis

Dennis: Thanks for the reply. But she has mentioned to me several time she has a prima in Bogota and that she's been thinking of going to Bogota b/c there are more opportunities there.
 
If anything I give her MORE CREDIT for pursuing the Bogota angle. She is trying to make the best of her personal situation and is NOT waiting/sitting in Barranqilla for her Gringo suitor to come back and rescue her.  That makes her MORE ATTRACTIVE in my view.
 
That e-mail regarding Bogota didn't just drop out of the sky. There has been a consistent level of communication since my return. I have to give her the benefit of the doubt on this one.
 
That said, from my perspective I am ready to move on. I AGREE: there are too many desirable women in Colombia to settle for all the red flags that have appeared. 

[CalifSur]

What DL said about costenas IMO applies to colombianas in general.  Well, I don't have much experience with ladies from Bogota, maybe they are different in that regard, but I doubt that.
 
The vast majority of women in Colombia will expect you to buy them gifts and give them advances if you are dating.  Why?  Because rich colombian guys do that, and women get used to expect that.  It is a different culture, and you have to develop a strategy to dealing with that because if you continue to pursue colombianas this scenario will be repeating time and again. 
 
And honestly the main reason why colombianas are so open to relationships with gringos is because they equate them with rich colombian guys (who are relatively scarce given the demand, especially on the coast) who can get them also to the US where jobs are plentiful, salaries are high, clothes are cheap, there is no crime, and everyone drives a BMW and lives in a huge house.  But if a woman is serous about dating you, an American, she has to learn and understand difference in culture as well, including where it deals with issues of financial support.  I also do think that if a woman is truly in love with a guy, she would not be hitting him up for cash, regardless of the culture - but do not expect a woman to fall in love with you if you just visited her for a few days and exchanged some emails.  Until (and if) she learns to appreciate your own sincerity and your own qualities beyond the socioeconomic benefits you might provide you will be just a substitute for a rich colombian boyfriend, and do not be surprised if she acts accordingly.

Traveler:  Thanks for the insights. To put it in context, I spent 6 days with her including 2.5 days at the end when we were together 24/7.  She introduced me to her mother and stepfather. Took me into her home and cooked me a meal. So I can't make a blanket statement and call this gal a Gold Digger. She is not. That does NOT excuse her behavior. But I just don't want to throw her total character under the bus.
 
As I said in a previous post, I dated a Mexicana for about 6 months who lived in Cancun. She NEVER asked me for a dime. Granted she may have come from a more stable economic situation but it does make me think twice about this current gal.
 
So now the hard part.  Telling this woman in a nice way that it's over?
 
Based on her actions and expressed feelings, she is going to be very hurt and disappointed.  When I left Colombia everything was ON THE TABLE. We were planning a 2nd trip, talking about what kind of family we both wanted, what her plans were for work if she came to live with me in the U.S, etc.

[CalifSur]

The whole point Sur is that you date to find out what people are like. You found out what she is like. Is that what you want for the rest of your life? ...because in spite of what people say - they really don't change. They are what they are. If that's what you want - keep dating. If not, say goodbye and move on. These aren't things that can be conversed out before dating, only revealed when interacting. It sounds to me like you've already made your decision. Just keep it straightforward and real and don't look back.

Thanks Jeff.  Good post. 
 
Now the hard part of breaking it to this gal that it's over.  I want to do it in as nice a way as possible. We've had several phone conversations since I returned. I think that is the only way to do it (over the phone, not e-mail). But I am at a loss for what exactly to say.   

[dennislevy]

Califsur et al
 
well, if relocating to Bogota is valid......and a priority...that I understand...She has to improve her life without you.
 
If you have web cammed with her, maybe set up a cita to web cam and tell it to her face. That might be the classiest way to do it, it wont be easy.....
 
What to say....?
if you re going to do it face to face......then you ve got to talk about the red flags.
 
 
I do disagree  with travelers assertion that All colombianas expect money or allowances or gifts.
I dated for two years in Bogota and with the exception of one scammer, never had anyine ask me for money or gifts.....
 
What I ve liked about costeñas.....if they like you, they like you..and they are open in showing affection.
 
Califsur s girl did some good thigns and some things he couldn t live with,,,the red flags.
 
I think these are basic rukes  of thumb
 
Younger women tend to ask for money, with the exception of one scammer in Bogota (who was 41), no one over 40 has ever asked me for anything.
 
Poorer women tend to ask for money
 
Unemployed younger women ask for money
 
Party girl, semi pros ask for money
 
Prepagos expect and want money
 
 

[Alabamaboy!]

My experience with Costenos is that they are very sharing, generous people. They will share whatever they have. The parties I went to there, all the people were dancing with each other. A guy will introduce you to his wife and tell you she wants to dance with you. Things like that which I am unaccustomed to here in the States.

The big problem is that they also think you will share everything too. And if they know you have a lot more going for you than they do, they don't think it is a huge deal sometimes to drop hints or flat out ask for a "loan". And I think in their minds, they do not want to deceive you and somehow they think that they will be able to re-pay you later. But in reality, it seldom, if ever happens.

I have even had friends and relatives of girls I have dated in Colombia ask for "loans". And of course they always to promise to pay you back.

I would just forget about her as anything serious for now. Just be like a Colombian guy and just ignore she even mentioned it. And then keep talking to her if you want to, to learn more about the culture and how they think. But don't commit to anything. Keep everything superficial for now.

Remember, no need to be "black or white". You are dealing with a woman from a place which has many shades of gray.

Enjoy meeting, chatting with, and dating these women and don't get too sprung on any one girl until you have known her a bit and she has proven herself to you.

[fathertime]

 I think you are receiving really good advice here.  Here is my take:


The episode at the beach and the cheap bracelets was a definite negative sign.  She showed you absolutely no respect by using that money on banalities without your permission, if the money was meant for drinks then that is what it needed to be spent on.  Women like this know what they are doing, and she knew what she was doing. 
Now it is easy for me to sit on the outside and make the following statement and much harder to execute it in real life, but I would have mini-blasted her right then and there.  Put her in her place.  You would have either lost her or you would have reeled her in.    I know how hard it is to do this sort of thing, but confrontations simply have to happen in a blunt way sometimes, that is what I’ve learned from my experience with the Colombian ladies. 


I think you should probably move on, because this gal is out of control with her requests/hints now.  In the future, I think it helps to have a slightly mean streak, and the ability to show it, but only when it is appropriate.  The thing is, if a woman makes you unzip the mean streak too often, she is probably not worth having in the first place.


This is a good learning experience for you and no real damage has been done, and if you decide this girl isn’t right, you get to go back to Colombia and feast your eyes on some of the best women this world has to offer!


Fathertime! 

[CalifSur]

FatherTime:  Many GOOD points.  Thanks!
 
I agree I should have called her out right on the spot at the beach. She showed no respect for me at that moment. But even if I had called her out immediately I am not sure in the long run it would have stopped her requests/hints.  I did call her out on it a few hours later.
 
You are right, if I am with another girl and this behavior shows up I will be ready to CALL HER ON IT RIGHT AWAY and WALK AWAY, unless she is on her knees apologizing. LOL!
 
 
 
 

[fathertime]

FatherTime:  Many GOOD points.  Thanks!
 
I agree I should have called her out right on the spot at the beach. She showed no respect for me at that moment. But even if I had called her out immediately I am not sure in the long run it would have stopped her requests/hints.  I did call her out on it a few hours later.
 
You are right, if I am with another girl and this behavior shows up I will be ready to CALL HER ON IT RIGHT AWAY and WALK AWAY, unless she is on her knees apologizing. LOL!

Hey Calisur, I think you did just fine.  My thoughts are just something to consider in the future with these ladies. 


Fathertime!

[Traveler]

Calisur,
 
Why do you want to end with this girl?  Just keep her as a friend.  She has not done anything to deserve your commitment or exclusivity, but she has not done anything that disqualifies her from being a friend with benefits.  You never know how yours and hers lives will work out in the future.  Just don't give her money, and if her interest in you was exclusively material the relationship will die off without you having to do anything.  If there is chemistry as you have mentioned, then it will not.
 
DL,
 
I never said ALL colombian women behave this way.  I said a majority.  I am 35, and have never dated a colombiana over 30, whether here or in Colombia, so I don't know about women over 40 yet.  I am sure there will be a day when I will have to venture into that territory, but I still have some time before then  .
 
Also, unless the guy meets women through social activity or at random in the street, he will be meeting women who are actively seeking foreigners, either through a dating site, or especially through an agency.  Why do you think those women specifically seek foreigners?  To practice English?
 
There is no reason to give in to this behavior.  But everyone should be ready to it, expect it, and have a strategy to deal with it.  I like to say that I am very generous, but only when I am in a genuine long-term relationship with mutual property and children involved.  Until then, I am not obligated financially towards her.  Granted, I do buy gifts when it's appropriate, and pay for everything when I take them out.  I also have helped out my past girlfriends in genuine emergencies a couple times, but this I would have done even if we were just friends. 
 
The problem is that rich colombian guys love to show off by throwing money at women.  And on top of that, the girls talk and compete with each other, and if a girl is listening how boyfriends of her friends buy them this and that, take them on trips, give them cash, she will eventually consider it normal and will want the same for her.  For an attractive woman in Colombia, particular not from a wealthy background, to withstand this degree of temptation is very difficult.  Also, if you give cash to someone you don't know well, you really don't know where this cash goes.  She might actually have a boyfriend, or even just a guy she likes to sleep with, who has financial needs.  So, my policy is a no cash policy.