Here we go red, green, violet, blue flags

[indaycare]

         I was dating this lady and things were progressing well. We weren't committed  to each other but I was thinking about it. One day I stopped hearing from her. No emails or phone calls, nothing. I waited a couple of weeks and after trying to get in touch with her with no success I moved on. A couple of months after she stopped talking to me I received an email from her. She said that she had to have surgery and was in the hospital. I knew she was having some health issues but she never mentioned the possibility of surgery. She wanted to resume where we had left off but it was too late. I figured she had lost interest so I moved on and started dating the woman who is now my wife. I told her that I had moved on and didn't want to continue the relationship. Needless to say she didn't like that very much.

        I didn't feel bad at all. She had my email and phone number. IMHO, even if you are in the hospital, you can somehow get a message to someone, especially by email.If you can't do it you can have someone do it for you.

        That's that way I feel about your situation Inday. This guy could get a message to you.


      Researcher

Thank you Researcher, i know there so many ways if he wants to.

[Woody]

weekend before valentines... and the next weekend. i called his cellphone like 150 times, i emailed his face book and aol account no answer. days past by i give up and i decide to delete him from my face book friends list. out of no where yesterday he emailed me in my fb account.

If the guy disappeared for more than a week then it is not because he could not contact you, it is because he did not want to. He isn't interested anymore and it was easier for him to ignore the situation than to address it. You are he are finished.

Now, realize that some guys don't really like to talk all day, every day. Sometimes we need a day off(I am like that). I would *guess* that he was starting to feel entrapped by the relationship, it started to feel real, and he got scared. Then, when he took even one day off, you "blew up" his phone. (Realize that I am not blaming this on you. I am just saying he wasn't feeling it anyways. The sudden extra attention pushed him over the edge. It was doomed no matter what you did.)

One of the things I love about the relationship I am developing with a special Filipina is that we primarily e-mail back and forth. When I know my reply is going to be delayed because of time issues (I am taking seven classes right now, our replies average around 1500 words), I shoot her a quick "heads up" email to let her know. She does the same for me if her replies are going to be delayed. In this manner, no one ever feels pressured and our emails become a continuous stream.

If the guy cuts off communication suddenly and comes up with a lame excuse a week later, he wasn't really interested anyways. Don't bother with him.

[indaycare]

If the guy disappeared for more than a week then it is not because he could not contact you, it is because he did not want to. He isn't interested anymore and it was easier for him to ignore the situation than to address it. You are he are finished.

Now, realize that some guys don't really like to talk all day, every day. Sometimes we need a day off(I am like that). I would *guess* that he was starting to feel entrapped by the relationship, it started to feel real, and he got scared. Then, when he took even one day off, you "blew up" his phone. (Realize that I am not blaming this on you. I am just saying he wasn't feeling it anyways. The sudden extra attention pushed him over the edge. It was doomed no matter what you did.)

One of the things I love about the relationship I am developing with a special Filipina is that we primarily e-mail back and forth. When I know my reply is going to be delayed because of time issues (I am taking seven classes right now, our replies average around 1500 words), I shoot her a quick "heads up" email to let her know. She does the same for me if her replies are going to be delayed. In this manner, no one ever feels pressured and our emails become a continuous stream.

If the guy cuts off communication suddenly and comes up with a lame excuse a week later, he wasn't really interested anyways. Don't bother with him.

You know what put this way if he got something to do for the whole week, simply say it and i would understand and i won't bother him because i know his busy i am not stupid.. to keep calling him or so.... at least i know what he been up to not just disappeared that's different story. usually we message and talk in skype, Face book as well but since his laptop was broken only thing we communicate through phone. i'm not a communication freak. i just want continuous communication. i mention calling him... it was short calls that last one minute or two minutes and he said that's what he love me more and more because i am very sweet and very passionate about my feeling. JUST SAYING!

[Woody]

You know what put this way if he got something to do for the whole week, simply say it and i would understand and i won't bother him because i know his busy i am not stupid..

Which is exactly my point. He did not do that. He isn't worth your time. Don't worry about this guy. He is just another flake.

[indaycare]

Which is exactly my point. He did not do that. He isn't worth your time. Don't worry about this guy. He is just another flake.

Nah.. I'm not worried at all. i deleted him from my skype, ym, fb, and his number in my phone too. last Monday he started calling me and messaging me again he keep telling me everything will be alright but hmmm.... i don't feel right. i'm not interested anymore. "I'm so Sensitive"

[Bob_S]

Don't take this as an insult, as we would like to see you find a good man someday, but you need to learn a bit about men.  First off, I think Piglett is on the right track, not so much that you are scaring him off, but you are driving him away.

i called him 5 to 6 times a day, he called me once or twice a day,

First lesson, typical guys don’t like to chat.  Talk is for women.  If you are not scaring him off, you are definitely annoying him.  Guys will tolerate chat if it is leading to sex in the immediate future.  Otherwise it is just distracting from more value-added time like watching Sports Center, drinking beer, and working on the car, boat, model train set, next great novel.  For guys, communication is to give or receive important information or tell dirty jokes.  What critical life-or-death information do you have to give 5 or 6 times a day?  If you really need to chat with someone, get a girl friend.

yes i called him more than he does. sometimes i asked why you don't call me? he answered me saying oh.. i was waiting for you to call me  ::)…  weekend before valentines... and the next weekend. i called his cellphone like 150 times, i emailed his face book and aol account no answer.

Second important lesson, guys don’t respect desperate women any more than women respect desperate guys.  You constantly calling him appears like desperation whether you are desperate or not.  He has lost respect for you.  Guys only value what they work for.

" i had car problems so I had my car towed to the auto dealer...I left my phone in the tow truck all weekend long....I just got my phone back on Monday at around 1030 in the morning...."

Third lesson, American guys are generally raised with a British chivalrous tradition, which means they may generally try to be polite.  So rather than come right out and say “stop calling me, you are annoying,” he may do something passive-aggressive such as leaving his cell phone some place where he can’t get it just to have a moment’s peace.

So, like everyone else is advising, move on from this guy.  There’s no good guy or bad guy, it just didn’t work out.  For the next guy, don’t call him so much.  No more than once a day, preferably less.  There’s an old expression: Less is more.  So, Fourth lesson, and this is critical so please pay attention:  Anticipation is sexy!  Make him work for it, make him wait for it, make him ache for it!  When I was writing to the woman who would become my wife, we wrote each other once a week.  The anticipation of it made it all the more wonderful when I would open my e-mail and find her next long and deeply thought out letter waiting for me.

[z_k_g]

Bob,

Good balancing piece and excellent post, should be added to the required knowledge list for our female posters.

Of course we don't know what this guy was thinking (I think he was a butterfly) so it's good to get some input from an opposite viewpoint.

I agree with your assessments, well, almost all anyways.

There should be a constant communication stream from both sides because of the physical separation involved and the difficulty with maintaining intimacy over the internet, phone, cam or texting.

I think in this particular situation, extreme long distance relationships, communication is the key to developing the required interpersonal bond that is necessary for a woman (not necessary for a man however).

Other than that, I'm 99% with you on your post.

Zulu

[Gato4Astrid]

Hey Gato,

i known him for a month now. i know his schedule, i called him the time that i know his having lunch break or something. it's just short calls actually, you know just to say hello, how's your day so far, or just simply saying i miss you.

at first it look like we're both in to it. we talked as often as we could. but when the valentines come he seem like... he got no time for me. and now he started talking to me again.. to be honest the exciting part of me knowing him is totally gone. i was really turn off.

Indaycare

Valentine is the most important day for romantic, but when he does not have time for you, then you already know that he has someone else, I'm afraid.


You deserve better and I hope you weill find someone who will love you - only you

[indaycare]

Valentine is the most important day for romantic, but when he does not have time for you, then you already know that he has someone else, I'm afraid.


You deserve better and I hope you weill find someone who will love you - only you

You say it.. as woman valentines is important day. thank you Gato i hope i find that special someone soon lol...

[indaycare]

Don't take this as an insult, as we would like to see you find a good man someday, but you need to learn a bit about men.  First off, I think Piglett is on the right track, not so much that you are scaring him off, but you are driving him away.First lesson, typical guys don’t like to chat.  Talk is for women.  If you are not scaring him off, you are definitely annoying him.  Guys will tolerate chat if it is leading to sex in the immediate future.  Otherwise it is just distracting from more value-added time like watching Sports Center, drinking beer, and working on the car, boat, model train set, next great novel.  For guys, communication is to give or receive important information or tell dirty jokes.  What critical life-or-death information do you have to give 5 or 6 times a day?  If you really need to chat with someone, get a girl friend.
Second important lesson, guys don’t respect desperate women any more than women respect desperate guys.  You constantly calling him appears like desperation whether you are desperate or not.  He has lost respect for you.  Guys only value what they work for.
Third lesson, American guys are generally raised with a British chivalrous tradition, which means they may generally try to be polite.  So rather than come right out and say “stop calling me, you are annoying,” he may do something passive-aggressive such as leaving his cell phone some place where he can’t get it just to have a moment’s peace.

So, like everyone else is advising, move on from this guy.  There’s no good guy or bad guy, it just didn’t work out.  For the next guy, don’t call him so much.  No more than once a day, preferably less.  There’s an old expression: Less is more.  So, Fourth lesson, and this is critical so please pay attention:  Anticipation is sexy!  Make him work for it, make him wait for it, make him ache for it!  When I was writing to the woman who would become my wife, we wrote each other once a week.  The anticipation of it made it all the more wonderful when I would open my e-mail and find her next long and deeply thought out letter waiting for me.

Bob,

Thank you for your advice, I don't know if you read all my reply.. i hope u did... like i said he feels great when i called him because he find it sweet of me, so i don't think hes being annoyed or i drive him away cause of that calling part. just to let you know he's calling me 6 times a day since monday. well if your really into that woman or man your welling to accept the bad and the good right? but i guess it was just a wrong person for me... there must be someone better than him.....

[jm21-2]

Bob is pretty spot on. I would add that those little calls or texts just to say hi or "I love you" are 100% for women. Never met a guy who was into that stuff at all. I suppose there might be one odd ball out there but highly unlikely. They will say something like "i'm glad you called" to be polite but that's not what they're thinking.

Guys want to be able to do their hobbies. Whatever that might be. If he's dating a local girl, they can do this stuff together so it's usually not a big deal. Long distance though, it's hard to talk and do a hobby at the same time. If I want to watch some tv show while talking with my fiance on the phone, it usually doesn't go over well because I'm paying less attention to her and it's pretty rude. Now that means that if I get home and she wants to talk, after a while I'm thinking "damn, I want to watch the latest episode of chuck" or something along those lines. The only way to get out of the conversation is to make up some excuse.

Just be aware that if you want to talk a lot, most guys will be about to pull their hair out after a while with the long distance thing. I've been doing it over a year now and can't wait until the long distance part is over and done with. It is a really difficult process for the typical guy. You basically give up your weekday evenings, which are when you want to relax the most, for an indefinite period of time.

The absolute worst: wanting to talk in the morning before a guy goes to work.

Don't mean to be disparaging, just trying to give you some insight as to how guys take the process.

[ignorante]

The absolute worst: wanting to talk in the morning before a guy goes to work.

  Nope.  The absolute worst, my wife used to want to talk right before or instead of sex. 

[Ray]

...those little calls or texts just to say hi or "I love you" are 100% for women. Never met a guy who was into that stuff at all. I suppose there might be one odd ball out there but highly unlikely.

HUH? You mean if I send my wife a short text message just to say "I love you", then I am an "odd ball"? Gee, I didn't know that...   

Is there ANYONE else out there who ever sends a text message to their wife or loved one just to say "I Love You!" ?

Ray

[jm21-2]

HUH? You mean if I send my wife a short text message just to say "I love you", then I am an "odd ball"? Gee, I didn't know that...   

Is there ANYONE else out there who ever sends a text message to their wife or loved one just to say "I Love You!" ?

Ray

I meant 100% for the woman's benefit. Yes, I send my fiance text messages or give her a call because she likes to know I am thinking about her. Of course. All I am saying is that it's girls who like those little reminders, not guys....at least in my experience.

[indaycare]

Bob is pretty spot on. I would add that those little calls or texts just to say hi or "I love you" are 100% for women. Never met a guy who was into that stuff at all. I suppose there might be one odd ball out there but highly unlikely. They will say something like "i'm glad you called" to be polite but that's not what they're thinking.

Guys want to be able to do their hobbies. Whatever that might be. If he's dating a local girl, they can do this stuff together so it's usually not a big deal. Long distance though, it's hard to talk and do a hobby at the same time. If I want to watch some tv show while talking with my fiance on the phone, it usually doesn't go over well because I'm paying less attention to her and it's pretty rude. Now that means that if I get home and she wants to talk, after a while I'm thinking "damn, I want to watch the latest episode of chuck" or something along those lines. The only way to get out of the conversation is to make up some excuse.

Just be aware that if you want to talk a lot, most guys will be about to pull their hair out after a while with the long distance thing. I've been doing it over a year now and can't wait until the long distance part is over and done with. It is a really difficult process for the typical guy. You basically give up your weekday evenings, which are when you want to relax the most, for an indefinite period of time.

The absolute worst: wanting to talk in the morning before a guy goes to work.

Don't mean to be disparaging, just trying to give you some insight as to how guys take the process.

Only for those typical guy are like that  . mostly people say that because that's how they are, but men are not the same.

[Tanuki]

I guess I fall in the odd ball section as well.  I send a least two message throughout the day to the lady I am currently chatting with.  And it is true, she wants to chat all the time and every evening.  But, hey! I am cool with that.  I truly enjoy talking with her and we talk about all kinds of nonsense.  Hell, we even play pool on YIM while chatting, I am 8-1.  She is not very good at video pool but, we have a good time and you would be surprised how fast the time goes.

So Inday; if this guy really cared and like the others said, he would find some way of getting a message to you. All men over the age of 16 know how important valentine's day is to the opposite sex.  Just short of nuclear war or some major natural disaster, a guy would at least say Happy Valentine's Day on the actual day! 

I would suggest you move on and find another who will give you the attention you deserve.

[Woody]

Bob is pretty spot on. I would add that those little calls or texts just to say hi or "I love you" are 100% for women. Never met a guy who was into that stuff at all. I suppose there might be one odd ball out there but highly unlikely. They will say something like "i'm glad you called" to be polite but that's not what they're thinking.

No kidding. I sent a Valentine's Day E-Card of sorts (Valentine's day themed card pic with a few personal modifications because I am decent with photoshop). I, personally, don't care at all about Valentine's Day. I recognize that it is important to women, so I capitulate. It earns me points, shows I care about her, and is little effort on my part.

When it progresses to things like a daily text to say "I love you" it will be entirely for her benefit. While true, I feel no compulsion to send the text for my own sake. It is sent to make her feel better.

We do "think" about our women, a lot. When we think, it is more in the abstract, not so much in words. I am a man of action, not so much a man of words. (Which is funny, considering the amount I write)

[Bob_S]

Of course we don't know what this guy was thinking (I think he was a butterfly) so it's good to get some input from an opposite viewpoint.
...There should be a constant communication stream from both sides because of the physical separation involved and the difficulty with maintaining intimacy over the internet, phone, cam or texting.

Yeah, a butterfly, or a flame that likes to attract moths.  Either way, not serious, not ready for a real long-distance relationship.

But constant communication is sort of vague.  What is "constant"?  Back in the day, for example when Jeff S. was courting his future Mrs. S, this was done by pen and paper and air-mail.  Given that it could take a week to deliver a message each way, you would be lucky to get 2 letters a month.  That is serious dedication.  IMHO, the need for daily chat (or else you're going to break it off and move on) is like some adolescent obsessive crush, certainly not real love that should be patient and understanding.

just to let you know he's calling me 6 times a day since monday.

Of course!  From his view, you were desperate and obsessive, and that is ego gratifying for a guy.  He doesn’t want to lose you because you fill his ego.  But he still doesn’t respect you.

well if your really into that woman or man your welling to accept the bad and the good right? but i guess it was just a wrong person for me... there must be someone better than him.....

No, only if you have an unhealthy obsession do you accept the bad and the good.  A healthy adult seeks the good and avoids the bad.  But you are right to move on from him.  He was addicted to the drug of your own obsessive behavior, and when you stop calling him, it is like an alcoholic suddenly deprived of alcohol.

Only for those typical guy are like that  . mostly people say that because that's how they are, but men are not the same.

True, not all men are the same.  Some are regular guys, and some are gay men hiding in the closet who use women so they appear straight but really have the soul of a woman and like to do womanly things like be chatty and shop for clothes.  So you have a choice: do you want a real man someday, or do you want a gay husband you can chat with like a girl friend?

[Ray]

But constant communication is sort of vague.  What is "constant"?  Back in the day, for example when Jeff S. was courting his future Mrs. S, this was done by pen and paper and air-mail.  Given that it could take a week to deliver a message each way, you would be lucky to get 2 letters a month.

Bob,

By “constant” communication, I think she meant “frequent” communication.

And as far as being lucky to receive 2 snail-mail letters a month, it wasn’t like that for me. Whenever we were separated for an extended period of time, my wife and I would always try to write a letter, a card, or just a short note every single day.

We both appreciated the effort and it made those long deployments at sea for 6-9 months at a time more bearable. I always thought sending off a letter and then waiting for a reply before sending off another one was a huge mistake. The guys on board ship used to ask me why I almost always get letters at mail call and I explained my method. A whole lot of those guys started sending daily letters and their wives somehow found the time to do the same. It works!

But of course now they have e-mail and phone calls via satellite on board ship, so letter writing is a dying art. I actually miss those days where the only means of communication while at sea was through the postal system. Phone calls while in port were rare because they cost $3/min with a 3-minute minimum, and one call could quickly eat up a month’s pay if you weren’t real careful.

When my wife or I are away from home for a time, we like to exchange short text messages. Like this past weekend when she stayed overnight at her cousin’s, she would send a short text to say goodnight or good morning and I really appreciated those. She is not only my wife and lover but my best buddy also. Yes, I enjoy always her company and even enjoy shopping with her for clothes or whatever. Now you can call that gay if you wish, but I feel sorry for those guys out there that have a lesser relationship than ours.

Odd-Ball Ray, the hopeless romantic.      

[indaycare]

Bob,

By “constant” communication, I think she meant “frequent” communication.

And as far as being lucky to receive 2 snail-mail letters a month, it wasn’t like that for me. Whenever we were separated for an extended period of time, my wife and I would always try to write a letter, a card, or just a short note every single day.

We both appreciated the effort and it made those long deployments at sea for 6-9 months at a time more bearable. I always thought sending off a letter and then waiting for a reply before sending off another one was a huge mistake. The guys on board ship used to ask me why I almost always get letters at mail call and I explained my method. A whole lot of those guys started sending daily letters and their wives somehow found the time to do the same. It works!

But of course now they have e-mail and phone calls via satellite on board ship, so letter writing is a dying art. I actually miss those days where the only means of communication while at sea was through the postal system. Phone calls while in port were rare because they cost $3/min with a 3-minute minimum, and one call could quickly eat up a month’s pay if you weren’t real careful.

When my wife or I are away from home for a time, we like to exchange short text messages. Like this past weekend when she stayed overnight at her cousin’s, she would send a short text to say goodnight or good morning and I really appreciated those. She is not only my wife and lover but my best buddy also. Yes, I enjoy always her company and even enjoy shopping with her for clothes or whatever. Now you can call that gay if you wish, but I feel sorry for those guys out there that have a lesser relationship than ours.

Odd-Ball Ray, the hopeless romantic.      

Kuya Ray your so sweet indeed! hands up for u!!!!!!

[z_k_g]

Bob,

I chat with my sweetie every day, haven't missed one yet. 

Zulu

[Ray]

Good for you Odd Ball Zulu!

But does that make you gay?   

[indaycare]

But does that make you gay?   

[z_k_g]

Good for you Odd Ball Zulu!

But does that make you gay?   

Course not!  Piglett does it too!!

(Is that why he wears those red boots?)

Zulu

[ignorante]

I, personally, don't care at all about Valentine's Day. I recognize that it is important to women, so I capitulate. It earns me points, shows I care about her, and is little effort on my part.

  No man cares about V-day.  It's a fake, made up holiday.  They do it to please women.