Dating Colombiana

[CarolinaJ]

Hi Everyone! I've been reading your posts for a few months...very interesting. I especially liked the one about Colombianas telling lies, cheating etc.
Here's my situation....just want support and feedback.
Almost two years ago i meet a hot, young Colombiana at the gas station I regularly stopped at and we have been dating ever since. She has been in the states since she was 18....is now 22. We got serious fairly quickly and she blew my mind and pumped up my ego. At about month 5 Istarted noticing little lies and then some not so little. Last December she took a business trip to Miami and was running around with an old bofriend so i dumped her. After about 3 weeks we got back together and she genuinely says she loves me blah blah . I did see a change in her behavior for about 6 months but here is the recent situation. 1- She took a trip to NY with her 2yr old daughter, Mom and EX-Husband(father of daughter) to see his family. On the last day i learned that they (supposedly all four) stayed in a hotel. I hit the roof and made it very clear no more trips period with ex-husband. I really don't know what to think but generallly don't think she did anything 2- She is not an attention w#@** but is super sexy, flirty and outgoing. After she went to a girlfriends birthday party...again with her daughter and Mom, the next day we are riding to eat and she gets a call but looks at the phone and quickly puts it back down. Turns out it was a guy from the party! We have been arguing and discussing this but I made it clear that if we are in a committed relationship then she can talk and flirt all she wants( I am a flirt to!) but she can't be giving and getting guys numbers or else i will begin seeing other people as well.

Several of you have a lot of experience with Colombianas but this is my first. the post about lying really hit home. I am wondering if this is a stage she will grow out of as she gets older. What would your reaction be to the trip with ex and getting new guys numbers? How should I be handling this?   

[soltero]

This girl is 22 years old and already has a child and an ex-husband and boyfriends, so she has already been around the block a few times before most even get out of the gate. Personally, I would not consider her for the long term no matter how she looks and just have fun with her. If you don't make her a priority, it will lessen your stress and maybe she might come around to making YOU a priority once she picks up on the fact that you have basically shifted your focus away from her.

I am not a fan of single moms, so my advice is tainted by that fact. I have no use for the next guys kids at this point in my life, and anyone that has any can only be temporary. With that being said, if she isn't ready to be faithful, then either leave her alone or stop stressing yourself and her by worrying about stuff that she doesn't plan on changing. If you have to keep asking her to be faithful to you, then you don't really have her anyway. Find somebody else and keep her as a side thing until you get her out of your system. If she straightens up, then great, if that's what you want, and if she doesn't, then you are already set to move on...

[UKCaliumbo]

 

[UKCaliumbo]

This girl is 22 years old and already has a child and an ex-husband and boyfriends, so she has already been around the block a few times before most even get out of the gate. Personally, I would not consider her for the long term no matter how she looks and just hhave fun with her. If you don't make her a priority, i will lessen your stress and maybe she might come around to making YOU a priority once she picks up on the fact that you have basically shifted your focus away from her.

I am not a fan of single moms, so my advice is tainted by that fact. I have no use for the next guys kids at this point in my life, and anyone that has any can only be temporary. With that being said, if she isn't rewady to be faitful, then either leave her alone or stop stressing yourself and her by worrying about stuff that she doesn't plan on changing. If you have to keep asking her to be faithful to you, then you don't really have her anyway. Find somebody else and keep her as a side thing until you get her out of your system. If she straightens up, then great, if that's what you want, and if she doesn't, then you are already set to move on...

well said, Soltero.

I can easily get stressed over this sort of matter, but in the long run, it is not worth it. 

[fathertime]

I'd just continue to pump her for as long as you can while you are looking for a real woman for your future!

Fathertime!

[Dave H]

I'd just continue to pump her for as long as you can while you are looking for a real woman for your future!

Fathertime!

Hi CarolinaJ,

I have to agree with fathertime and soltero's suggestions. Keep pumping until something better comes along! Just don't get her pregnant and don't trust her to prevent it!

The same thing happened to a good friend of mine. His fiancee (Colombiana) didn't see the big deal because the man she was screwing was her ex-husband and the father of her daughter. My friend was engaged to her. They got back together, then he finally dumped her when she did it again.

Dave

[CarolinaJ]

Soltero and fathertime. thanks for the input. I know deep down that you are right. i love this girl but if you can't trust her then there is no longterm potential. I am lazily looking for another woman but not in a rush. FYI I am 41 and divorced and not really looking to get married.

Also, I have to agree that Colombianas really know how to treat a man...in bed. My God no AW has ever been so open and giving.



Thanks!!

[sean126]

This is not a "colombiana" problem...this is a character, ethical, moral and honesty problem.  If I were you I'd treat it as such and leave the irrelevant out of it.

If you have an understood commitment with this woman...meaning:  You don't date anyone else, no exchange of phone numbers with new people you've flirted with, no sex with anyone else...ect., which I gather is what you have judging from your post....then you have no business "lazily looking" for another woman and at the same time bad mouthing her for what ever it is she's doing to cause you stress.   That's definitely the pot calling the kettle black.  So, your dishonesty or lazy faithfulness is better than hers?  That's what I'm getting here. 

Sounds like since neither of you can be honest and faithful, then you should part ways while she still thinks your one of the good guys and find someone you can be faithful and honest to.

What you do or the kind of person you are has nothing to do with how someone else treats you.  If you let that dictate who you are and how you act, then you lose all right to complain about someone else and that should tell you that your not your own man.   If you lack certain principles, then don't complain if you get hooked up with someone else who lacks the same principles.   

If you want real, truthful, sound advice to make your situation better, than here it is.....Wait until you break up with your girlfriend, completely, before starting to lazily look for another woman.   That will make you a better person and you'll feel much better about yourself.  If you don't or can't trust her, then kick her to the curb.  Your setting yourself up as a door mat by allowing yourself to be lied to by another person who claims to love you.  It will only get worse with time.  If you actually loved this woman then you would not be lazily looking for another one.  Your just lying to yourself.

Other than that....WELCOME to the forum!   

[Dave H]

My vote - Keep bonking her until something better comes along!  Not all Latinas (and women) are saints and some don't deserve the 'American nice guy' treatment!! In he words of the great Jesse Winchester, "But you do it...Til you sick of it...Do it til you can't do it no more!" 

Dave

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tUDj1nIz8Sg

[utopiacowboy]

"I am not a fan of single moms, so my advice is tainted by that fact. I have no use for the next guys kids at this point in my life, and anyone that has any can only be temporary."

Are you tossing the widows too, Soltero?

[Kiltboy1]

I agree with all the other guys here. Enjoy that Goooooood Colombiana Lovin, but keep it real and understand this is a disaster and start looking for a woman that respects you.

KB

[soltero]

"I am not a fan of single moms, so my advice is tainted by that fact. I have no use for the next guys kids at this point in my life, and anyone that has any can only be temporary."

Are you tossing the widows too, Soltero?

UC, I have waited too long to start my own family and am starting to get a little salty about it. I am going to see a little rugrat that looks like me before I bite the bullet, or so help me...

 

[utopiacowboy]

UC, I have waited too long to start my own family and am starting to get a little salty about it. I am going to see a little rugrat that looks like me before I bite the bullet, or so help me...

 

I just thought I'd tease you a little. You're right, it's better to have your own kids first before taking on someone else's.

[CarolinaJ]

Sean126, thanks for the input but it is only natural if you are somewhat discontent when you are dating ,not married, that you would keep an eye out for the next thing.

[Ray]

What would your reaction be to the trip with ex and getting new guys numbers? How should I be handling this?   

[sean126]

Sean126, thanks for the input but it is only natural if you are somewhat discontent when you are dating ,not married, that you would keep an eye out for the next thing.

No, it's not natural when you have a mutual understanding that it will be an exclusive relationship.   That is precisely why many people have problems in relationships.  Their whole heart isn't in it.   The "real" world is going down the tubes in many different areas because it's common place for people not to keep their word, whether implied or not.  You basically gave your word to this lady and her to you about being mutually exclusive.  It is implied that there will not be cheating or unfaithfulness from both of you.  If this weren't true then you wouldn't be upset about her mystery phone calls and her ex husband in the same hotel.

If you are "somewhat discontent" then you shouldn't have an exclusive relationship and you should make this known from the get go.  I've told many girls, "hey, I like you alot.  Theres not a thing wrong with you...but I'm going to be dating other women besides you."   I got and still get more respect from these women..even today..because they are amazed that a guy would be totally upfront and honest with them.  

I was just pointing out your hypocrisy that's all.  We all are hypocrites at some point on any given subject.  Once pointed out, people can make the right adjustments in their thinking.  I mean...I've got a temper.  So does my wife.  I have no right to complain when she flys off the handle.

Your old enough to know by now that what you give off into the world comes back to you.  If your an honest person by nature, you'll find an honest woman.  If you got one foot in the single's life and one in the "relationship", that's the kind of woman you will find also.

If you take the position of "bang her till something better comes along", well....it kinda sounds like that's what she's doing too.  The situation you described and follow up response just reinforces the points I've been making.  

I know your looking to paint this as "cheating woman and angelic boyfriend"...but I'm sorry.  It just isn't so.  It's more like two peas in a pod.

I know this isn't the popular response nor is it obviously what you wanted to hear, but it's true nonetheless.  I'm not in any way saying your a bad guy, if it sounds like that then it's unintentional.  I'm just saying...what you throw out into the world, comes back to you.  You want a true blue woman?...then the first place to start is in your own heart.  What your basically doing is saying..."I can do this, but she can't."  That's it in a nutshell.  Sorry.

I truly, truly like everyone on this board.  Well...everyone except Soltero...but, I just don't agree with some of their thinking.  "Get them before they get you" somehow don't scream integrity and honesty to me.  

Just something to think about.  I get the feeling your going to be defensive and hard headed about what's right and wrong.  Good luck to you.

[Dave H]

Hey Ray,

You guys sure have nice dump trucks out in California! Most of ours are homemade here.

Dave

[leather neck]

I hate to tell you....but the train wreck has already occurred here.

I am wondering if this is a stage she will grow out of as she gets older

And why do you wonder about something so abstract as her future level of maturity?

At what age do you think this transformation will take place, if at all?

Being a 41 year old, you would consider hanging around for her to exhibit an improvement in depth and sincerity of feelings. As a 22 year old mom of a 2 year old, you would think a committed relationship would be of the greatest value to her, for the sake of the little one.

But maybe this is asking her to be an adult beyond her young years.

But I do lay some of the blame on you for her behavior...all of this DRAMA in less than  a year...and two of the most recent incidents in the past 2-3 months. You basically have put up with it due to her HOTNESS. Three incidents with 3 different guys, the first incident should've been a deal killer. 

Hold faithfulness and sincerity as first principles

We have been arguing and discussing this but I made it clear that if we are in a committed relationship then she can talk and flirt all she wants( I am a flirt to!) but she can't be giving and getting guys numbers or else i will begin seeing other people as well.

No way you can be serious about a committed relationship if you are willing to allow your woman to flirt with other men. Talking (with other men you can not control, as long as she understands the meaning of LOYALTY and INTEGRITY) ...and flirting all she wants is acceptable, but you draw the line at giving and getting phone numbers.

No wonder she has utter contempt for loyalty, integrity, faithfulness, sincerity, etc...you've accepted (you did make up and move on after each incident) past indiscretions from her and you give mixed messages as evidenced by your quote.

You have but 3 courses of action:

1. Drop her like a bad habit and move on to someone where trust is not an issue.

2. Keep her around as a F%@k buddy and forget about any kind of committed relationship...which I do not recommend, since you have an emotional connection to her and you want commitment. She can not be your f%@k buddy and in a committed relationship with you at once. You either have a monogamous relationship or you don't!

3. Continue with the status quo....even this should be unacceptable.


Leatherneck

[CarolinaJ]

Sean126 you said "You basically gave your word to this lady and her to you about being mutually exclusive.  It is implied that there will not be cheating or unfaithfulness from both of you."
I haven't been cheating. i was 100% into this relationship when the dishonesty started happening from her.  It was not pure proof she was cheating, just dishonesty and lack of respect...lies etc. that has me second guessing and i really know that I will move on eventually. You have jumped a little ahead of things as you already consider me cheating??? I now realize that i should have dumped her when the dishonesty began like Leatherneck said BUT we love each other, i'm not trying to get married and I like the companionship. Plus, as a friend of mine said "you better keep her as long as you can because you won't get another chance like this". So i am kind of in a holding pattern and yes if there is someone that i would like to go out with i will let her know we are no longer exclusive.

[soltero]

I truly, truly like everyone on this board.  Well...everyone except Soltero...but, I just don't agree with some of their thinking.

Now I know who that !%$%@ guy is that has me blocked!

 

[UKCaliumbo]

Sean126 you said "You basically gave your word to this lady and her to you about being mutually exclusive.  It is implied that there will not be cheating or unfaithfulness from both of you."
I haven't been cheating. i was 100% into this relationship when the dishonesty started happening from her.  It was not pure proof she was cheating, just dishonesty and lack of respect...lies etc. that has me second guessing and i really know that I will move on eventually. You have jumped a little ahead of things as you already consider me cheating??? I now realize that i should have dumped her when the dishonesty began like Leatherneck said BUT we love each other, i'm not trying to get married and I like the companionship. Plus, as a friend of mine said "you better keep her as long as you can because you won't get another chance like this". So i am kind of in a holding pattern and yes if there is someone that i would like to go out with i will let her know we are no longer exclusive.

The longer you stay in the relationship the more difficult for you to move on.  There are more things in the relationship than how good she is in bed. 

There's nothing to be afraid of.  You will not get arrested or killed if you end the relationship with her. 

Now is the time to sort out your mess.  You need to be able to get out of the relationship first before making 100% commitment to find another lady.

[Alabamaboy!]

It sounds like she is what she is. I just would keep up with boning her but, never, ever, ever think of marrying her.  And like someone else said....watch for any tricks to get her pregnant or any other things to tie you to her.  Like co-signing on car loans, moving in with her, or whatever.  And keep that thing wrapped up good.....because it sounds like she is getting around pretty quickly (there are no reasons to give out numbers to other guys or go to hotels with ex husbands).  And if she is as hot as you say in bed....every ex-husband, ex-boyfriend, or other person who has ever hit that is going to be giving her a call once in a while for an "encore".  

But at the same time be honest to her and tell her you are not looking to get married again. You do not like her talking with all these ex's. Do not make any promises to her that you do not intend on keeping. Or tell her it is just a relationship solely for sex and she can do what she wants, you too, and everbody knows up front.

[UKCaliumbo]

It sounds like she is what she is. I just would keep up with boning her

Not a good idea because it will be more difficult for him to leave the relationship.  He needs to get her out of his mind totally. 

[sean126]

Sean126 you said "You basically gave your word to this lady and her to you about being mutually exclusive.  It is implied that there will not be cheating or unfaithfulness from both of you."
I haven't been cheating. i was 100% into this relationship when the dishonesty started happening from her.  It was not pure proof she was cheating, just dishonesty and lack of respect...lies etc. that has me second guessing and i really know that I will move on eventually. You have jumped a little ahead of things as you already consider me cheating??? I now realize that i should have dumped her when the dishonesty began like Leatherneck said BUT we love each other, i'm not trying to get married and I like the companionship. Plus, as a friend of mine said "you better keep her as long as you can because you won't get another chance like this". So i am kind of in a holding pattern and yes if there is someone that i would like to go out with i will let her know we are no longer exclusive.

You'll consider this a breath of fresh air coming from me.....Your friend is a total idiot.  You will get another chance with a woman.  You'll probably have several chances.  I'd be careful as to what advice you listen to because it can affect the way you think and see yourself.  Never let anyone tell you that "this is the last woman that you'll be attracted to who would want to date you."

Well, as far as the cheating....I consider "lazily looking" while you have a girlfriend, cheating.  Bill Clinton would not, but several other honest and truthful people would.   I will say it again...if you didn't think this was wrong then you wouldn't have been upset about the mysterious phone call.  But...it's your life and I'm not going to tell you how to live it.  Just giving out advice, as you requested.   Based solely on what you said...if your lazily looking then you can't complain about what she's doing with other men.  She's looking also, whether its lazily or not.

Definitely don't listen to that guy who told you, "you won't get another chance like this."   He's an idiot.

[sean126]

Now I know who that !%$%@ guy is that has me blocked!

 

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.  My MAIN man!