Finding Miss Right

If you are reading this section, this means that you are serious about finding a foreign mate and hopefully, you have found someone that seems to be compatible with you. If you are just starting to look or, even if you are engaged, please take these words to heart. This first section is not legal advice for you. It is only advice that people have asked for quite a bit in the early going of this process or have mentioned that they wished that someone had told them about before they became seriously involved with the wrong someone.

Remember, the women that you are meeting are searching, too. They have their own reasons for looking abroad which are equally as valid as the men s. Some women want to have a better life in a foreign country; others have friends who have already found an ideal mate and are living in the United States. Some women are just seeking a non-alcoholic man who will treat them well and love them faithfully, putting Whatever your reasons are for searching abroad, remember that the woman that you seek is a person, too. You need to get to know her as a person and to respect her as a person. This woman will be your life companion and probably the mother of your children. You have to treat her as your life partner and give her at least the same deference that you would give to a business partner even though she will be much, much more to you.

If you can't accomplish this simple matter of respect, then you will be much better off saving your time, money, and emotions and go get yourself a dog or a cat to share your life with.

I have seen some men head overseas with their checklists and comparison studies. It almost seems like they are at an automobile or boat expo engaged in purchasing a car or motor home. Kick the tires, take a little test drive, check the options, and then make the purchase. While this may work well for buying a car, it is not quite on point for winning and keeping the heart of a woman and having a lasting marriage. The late comedian, Sam Kinnison, pondered- If love is forever, then why am I starting over every five years.

When you buy your car or boat, you can treat it any way that you wish, neglect it, store it for months, and then just trade it in on a newer model a few years later. You can't do that with a wife- or maybe you can, but I just can't see the marriage going on very long.

I have heard it said that marriage in America is similar to leasing a car, except the payments keep going on for years after you have stopped driving it. That may well be true. However, the car bears you no animosity for mistreatment or neglect, human beings do. And your car doesn't give you little cars that look up to you and call you "Daddy."

So one thing I am telling you is to treat the lady as you expect to be treated. Get to know her and respect her wants and needs as well as your own. Marriage is supposed to be much more serious than buying a car or boat and is much more expensive financially and emotionally to finish. There is no trade-in allowance on your next purchase.

And, although we Americans seem to be legends in our own minds, there are now a lot of other men out there from other countries on the same quest that you are on. The world is not only a smaller place for us over in the United States; it is a smaller place for the rest of the world as well. There is growing competition coming from other countries such as France, Italy, England, and Scandinavia. And they have an advantage over you in that they are much closer to the target countries than we are. They can get there quicker, easier, and more often than we can. They are more geographically desirable to the Russian women as a woman does not have to move away as far from her home and culture.

And, if they have a better reputation for being more honest or being better husbands than we do at some point, guess who will walk away with the lady of their dreams as the international husband of choice?

You need to remember that human nature is the same in every country and that cultural differences do not explain away everything that may come up in a new relationship. Cultural differences do not excuse questions of human nature. Those issues are the same in any country. If something feel does not right to you, it probably isn't right to begin with.

If a woman has already been to the US as a fiancee a couple of times or so, then you should look at her much harder than a woman who has never been over here. The story that the five other guys before you were not any good but you are somehow different and that this time she is really, REALLY in love does not really hold much water when you look at the situation. You have only her word that she decided to go back home and not that the all the men found her lacking in some serious aspect in the relationships. Besides, isn t that model showing an awful lot of mileage?

A girl that will not take you to her home or to meet her family is a definite question mark. Why can t you go visit her in her home? And she won t cook dinner for you? She doesn t want you to meet the future step-children? Perhaps Sergey the hidden boyfriend lives there and shares her bed when she is not at the hotel with you. No home visits are definite warning signs.

And how about her Mom and Dad? Have you been able to meet them? It is one thing if the parents live two thousand miles away. But what if they live an hour away? Or twenty minutes? Family units are close in most other countries and they want to meet the prospective bridegroom. Many parents feel that they must give consent to the union. For example, my former Russian fiancee s mother traveled fourteen hours by train to meet me.

SCAMMERS AND GOLDDIGGERS — A woman who asks you for roundtrip cab fare because she came out to see you at your invitation is not scamming you. It is your nickel. A woman who is invited by you to go to dinner in ANY country is expecting to go out to a nice restaurant. For all you big spenders out there, Chez McDonalds doesn t cut it for a first date. It doesn t cut it here and it doesn t cut it overseas either. You have to pay to play. For a woman to insist on a decent restaurant for a date is certainly not gold-digging.

A man invited a woman to dinner in St. Petersburg. He went to a low-budget fast-food restaurant and was shocked when the woman terminated their date at the restaurant door. She told him that she was expecting to go out to a restaurant at least at the level that a Russian date would take her to. Not the most expensive place in town but at least the same level. And most Russian men do not have the purchasing power that we do.

Having said all this, I do have to say-watch out for the scamsters!!! They are out there-few in number but large in their negative effect on the foreign bride industry. DON T send money for all those sick aunts, grandmothers and nieces. Supporting a girlfriend with a small monthly stipend or paying for English lessons is one thing; sending large sums of money for non-existent medical expenses is another. KEEP IN MIND that the Russian medical system is very inexpensive and the doctors are competent even though they are only paid about $75.00 per month. A woman that constantly needs money for sick relatives, sick pets, or for home repairs is probably scamming you. How would she make it without you being in the picture? Answer-she would have to work for it. And why does she need her house repaired or have a new stove if she is going to be living with you in the United States?

Are you going to be the show-off rich American idiot who buys the lady a new flat or pays $1,000.00 for a medical procedure that only costs $100.00? Believe me- you are only buying yourself contempt and requests for even more money to be given up on even more outlandish requests. New Italian designer outfits for job searches, health club memberships, transportation for Grandma, breast implants so she can look more beautiful for you-so who is squeezing those new breasts while you are away?

A girl with family members, such as parents or siblings, living in the US may be motivated by reasons other than love. I point my finger at the Philippines as a prime example, although not the only one. It seems that every family in Manila is tracking the preference categories for immigration to the US and know to the exact day when the family will emigrate.

Many of these simple people know a hell of a lot more about US immigration law than I do. And they sure do hate to leave anyone behind in the jungle. Since there are already so many aliens from that country over in the United States and since they have petitioned for every eligible family member, the waiting period for a beneficiary from the Philippines is from twelve to twenty-two years in some preference categories. That means that some of the nieces and nephews will reach the magic age of twenty-one years and will be unable to emigrate with their parents and will have to wait at least another eight years back home. So- another way must be found to bring them to America and the easiest way to do it is to marry a US citizen. Trust me-in about twenty years, the Philippines will be completely depopulated as they all emigrate to the United States on their family petitions.

Marriage to a US citizen gives immediate status to emigrate so a US citizen husband is like hitting the lottery. Preferably a US citizen with some money who can file additional affidavits of support for the rest of her family when their old visa petition finally comes up down the road. Something to think about when determining true love.

A girl or guy that seems to spend more time wanting to discuss your finances than your life and family may not really be interested in you as a person. Russian women who act like loan officers or IRS auditors are definitely looking for something other than love.

Yet, on the other hand, you must also take into account that many foreign women join a marriage agency because they are motivated to marry a foreigner. They have already made up their minds as to which road they intend to travel. And when you arrive on a marriage tour, you are expected to be equally motivated. But then-you also need to be cautious. Two opposite views all at the same time. Hopefully, there will not be too many misunderstandings between these two motivated groups.

Although women in Thailand will sometimes wait for years for their chosen mate, many Russian women have told me of the unwritten "Rule of 180." Basically the Rule of 180 works like this-you, the man, have six months (180 days) after the first contact via mail, telephone, etc. to have made plans to come meet your chosen woman. If you haven't done so, the woman will feel free to move on towards cultivating another man who will come to meet them.

This rather arbitrary rule embodies the motivation on the part of the Russian women to marry and not waste time in an endless series of "pen pals"(which is what probably 80% of the men that begin foreign relationships end up doing-talking the talk but not walking the walk).

In addition, another aspect of the Rule of 180 is that, after the meeting and continued mutual attraction, the man has six months (180 days) to propose marriage or the woman feels free to attempt to find another mate. Again, this rule goes to the motivation of the parties and the lack of desire on the part of the woman to be a pen pal or part-time girlfriend or mistress for years and finally ending up with nothing but gray hair and stale memories.

If you are searching abroad, you need to take this limited amount of time into account and just hope that you have made the right choice. With a divorce rate of over 50% in the United States, marriage is almost like throwing darts anyway, so you really can't do much worse searching overseas.

It really comes down to a matter of trust-and a little bit of luck. I know hundreds of American men (and some American women, as well) that are very happy with their choice in a foreign mate. I also know of a few men and women that are not happy because they knew that their relationship did not feel right from the beginning but they decided to go forward anyway. This road has only one end and that is in the Divorce Court.

Some of the reasons given by the unhappy folks for going forward with the marriage are ridiculous- " I had too much of a financial investment in this woman to not marry her." If this were a stock market transaction instead of a woman, would he have hesitated in dumping her?

" I needed to rescue this woman from poverty and give her a good life." Oh PLEASE- save your money and go join the Salvation Army, there are plenty of people needing rescuing locally. I really don't have much patience with the "white knights" going forth on their crusade to "rescue" these women from their home countries. I note that these "white knights" only want to rescue the most beautiful of these damsels in distress without looking at the actual need to be "rescued."

In addition, who are we to decide that the women need our rescuing? Many countries may have had a tougher lifestyle that we do but their citizenry is not even close to the United Nations deciding to send them relief packages. Legends in our own minds.

" If I didn t marry her right then and there, she would not have waited for me and she would have found somebody else to marry." ( Have we graduated from high school yet? If she can't wait for a while, then it doesn t look like real love then, does it? And, if she can't wait for you in her foreign country, what makes you think she is going to stay around very long when she gets over to the United States if she doesn t really love you?) You know-one of my former Russian girlfriends tried to pull that line on me. And yes-she did find someone else. It took her almost two years and several rejections from me of her amended offers for marriage for her to do it but what can I say.

She agreed with me that children were not important to her and that she would abide with my wishes not to have any children in our marriage. Biology takes over- a fertile woman with no children is not going to agree to a sterile relationship. This is the basic human urge to reproduce. So the next page to this story would be- Then she dumped me for another guy after she got here.

Come on, get a clue!! Sooner or later, natural urges will come into play. She is going to have that baby somehow. She will agree with you at first, hoping to persuade you later that you should have a child with her. If she does not have that baby with you, then she will have one with her next husband after she fails to talk you into it. You need to set yourself up for success, not for failure.

So, for you fifty-something guys out there seeking to marry a college kid without children, rest assured, there is a baby in the future. Maybe not in your future, but definitely in hers.

So- you would be better off spending your time looking for a thirty-something lady, preferably with a child, and set yourself up for a successful, lasting relationship.

Watch out for women that seem to have excessive baggage or other problems. You should not have to carry the load for her. There are many women available that do not have the problems that will need you to shoulder the load and the expense that solving those problems will entail. You are seeking a woman to spend the rest of your life with; it is a lot easier when she does not arrive as damaged goods.

Make lying a terminal offence in the relationship. Can you really trust someone who has lied to you? This is a tremendous breach of trust. Why should you? If she (or he) is lying over issues in the early going of the relationship, how can you trust her over the long haul? I have seen too many guys who give a second chance to a total liar end up on the really short end of the stick just a few months later.

DON'T send money for the girl to use Russian tour agencies with connections at the embassy to get that magic tourist visa. The only thing magic about it will be how quickly your money magically disappears along with the girl of your dreams.

I know a of couple of men who actually paid for their fiancees to go to graduate school. Keep in mind that most European educations are free or low-cost. But the men paid for the girl to live comfortably without working while studying. I mean REALLY comfortably since a dollar goes a long way overseas. They decided to continue their relationships for just a couple of years while their darling finished her degree at her home.

One gentleman told me that he had received free ski lessons when he vacationed with his girlfriend the semester before her graduation. Coincidently, the ski instructor was her live-in boyfriend who would move out each time a day or two before the sugar daddy arrived. Looking on the bright side-at least he got something back for all of his money.

When the graduation day came, guess who did not get invited to the graduation? The invitation must have been lost in the international mails somewhere but the regular boyfriend from her hometown definitely got invited. The Dear John letter that was sent out a few weeks later definitely was received by our hero.

Some financial support is OK but- remember that the woman got along just fine before you came along. If you come across as the meal ticket, then that is what you will be. Don t try to impress her with your material things and spending money on her like a drunken sailor. You would not do it here in the United States so why do it on a short visit to another country? You will foster unreasonable expectations that may haunt you later.

Keep in mind that the girls overseas only know what they see on the movies and television from Hollywood. And Hollywood shows a surrealistic and distorted view of reality in their presentations. They depict an endless series of expensive lunches and cocktail parties with designer clothing and sports cars in a land where everyone has plenty of money and no one seems to have much work to do. Better be clear about your circumstances early on.

And if you do bring your lady over as an alien fiancee, then use your ninety days wisely. Make sure that you use your get acquainted period for what it is-the chance to get to know your intended mate. Do not marry the first week. Give it a month and see how you two act and interact together. Are you acting and feeling like a couple in a marital partnership or a couple approaching a divorce?

Not meaning to bore you with war stories too much but-

I brought a Russian fiancee over for ninety days in February, 2001. Within three weeks, I knew that she was not living up to her advance billing. When I met her in August, she was gorgeous with movie star looks, well- built, and very intelligent when we were together in Russia. A little weak in English but lessons were taking care of that. We spent a total of five weeks together over five months before she came over and each week had been pure heaven with her.

When my fiancee arrived in the United States, her evil twin sister waddled off the plane. slightly but she acted like I was taking her to the dentist instead of to the Magic Kingdom).

When I informed her of my decision not to marry her, I was fortunate to see one of the most stirring dramatic performances ever performed on stage or screen. Definitely worth consideration by the Academy for an Oscar for best actress. But it was already too late for us at that point. You can not go back. But thank the lord above for the ninety days. If I had brought her over as an alien spouse or married her, I would have been completely miserable.

And just a few months later- I have now remarried!!!!!!!! I met Lin in Bangkok on my last night in town in May. I knew within a couple of hours of being together that if all went well, this would be the woman that I married. I was back in Thailand with her in July, took her to Russia with me for a week in September and married her in October in a Thai cultural ceremony so that we could use the fiancee process. Two days after the ceremony, we interviewed at the consulate for her fiancee visa, which she received after a three question interview. We traveled together back to the United States and she is the love of my life. We both feel very lucky to have each other and we both hope that the union will last forever. Our dreams have come true in each other.

The last thing that I want to address is the search for the perfect 10 . Many of the guys on these tours are only looking to date what you would call arm candy. Only the most beautiful need apply. Now looks are important but so is personality, sense of humor, intelligence, and emotional balance. I would also add English ability. There was a movie called 10 a few years ago. The actress was hot!!!! But she was also brain dead. So a 10 in looks could be a 2 or 3 in the other categories and average out to a 4 overall. So you want to marry a 4?

Other categories should be English ability, sense of humor, emotional stability, and intelligence. A girl who is a 7 in looks but rates a 10 in the other categories rates out as a 9+. Come NFL draft day who gets picked first- a receiver who runs like the wind but can t catch a cold or the slower guy that can catch anything within ten yards every time? The draft day criteria is best all-around athlete by position.

So if you are going over looking for a likely candidate and you find a 7 that speaks perfect English, can run the 40 in under 4.1 seconds and has good hands, draft her.

As one man to another-make sure that you really know what you are doing. Really look at the person you are interested in and look at the long-term investment in love and emotions that you are making. Not to mention the long-term legal ramifications of what you are doing. There are both federal and state laws involved in the foreign marriage process and, in a worse case, subsequent divorce.

You can go overseas with pre-conceived notions of what you want and what you think but leave yourself the flexibility to adapt to reality as you experience it.

Perfect Mate Rating System
Looks - Is she beautiful to you?

Appearance - How does she dress?

Intelligence - Is she articulate?

English - Can she really talk to you?

Compatibility - Do you really enjoy each other?

Sense of Humor - Can you two laugh and joke together?

Emotional Stability - Does she have an anger problem or is she unreasonable?

Children - Present and future desires?

Can you think of some more categories?

If you look at women with good English skills, you will be able to consider 55-10% of the women in Latin America.

Put another way, if you speak Spanish, your choice is 10 to 20 times greater.  That's the reason why I never considered Asia or FSU.