I'm Out of the Game........................

[KenC]

... in response to Re: big mistake, posted by Globetrotter on Dec 9, 2003

Globe,
Maybe I was a bit harsh in my previous comments as I was trying to jerk you into a more realistic approach here.  I do not think that keeping your wealth "hidden" a bit is necessarily a bad thing.  In fact, I think it was a wise thing to do.  However, this is new information to her.  She loved you without knowing this.  Why can't you understand that 1)she may not have handled "negotiating" the prenupt well or 2)she may not be able to express herself clearly on the subject matter.  After 3 years, I would think you could cut her some slack and talk this thing through rather than just ending it.

I know that you are a reasonable man.  But I also know that you were more than a bit hesitant to enter into marriage.  Could it be that your paranoia got the best of you?  Of course, I do not have all the information on this as you do, but from what you have shared, it seems so.  Best of luck to you.
KenC

[Globetrotter]

... in response to Re: Re: big mistake, posted by KenC on Dec 9, 2003

Please do not associate a conversation over one year ago with where I got to with my RW.  I had known a girl here for a very long time and she was hitting on me...actually smelling the gravey, which I sniffed out and ended it before it started.  That was my concern then, not now.

I was right where I needed to be mentally and emotionally.
When I champion a cause, be it for myself or someone else, I put great effort into it.  When betrayed, it cuts deeply.

Sure, now she is backpeddling and wanting back in.  I still say no!

[John K]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: big mistake, posted by Globetrotter on Dec 9, 2003

[This message has been edited by John K]

It's easy to assume that all she want's is money, but don't forget that she put a lot of time and emotional investment into your relationship.  Money is indeed a hot subject, but up until you disclosed your wealth, you have to admit that there is a possibility that she wanted you for something else.

Also, the issue may be money, but looking at it from the woman's point of view, the issue is more likely trust.  You just demonstrated to her after 3 years of contact that you don't trust her.  How can you expect her to act any differently than what she did?  She was likely deeply hurt and defensive.  

Also, your $5000 a year quote probably deeply offended her.  She wants to be your wife, not your live in prostitute (again, her thinking, not yours).  Marriage is supposed to mean sharing.  While I understand that you want to protect your assets, you also need to respect your fiancee as a person.  It seems you could be doing too much of one and not enough of the other.  Perhaps you might want to rethink.

While backpedalling may seem like she's just trying to get your money, it may also mean that she doesn't want to lose a relationship that she put so much emotional investment into.  She didn't know you were wealthy before did she?  She wanted you for the man she thought you were.  Now, you have changed the whole dynamic on her, and you expect her to adapt immediately to it.  Now, she must be wondering how much of the man she thought she knew is true.  

Still, she's willing to try and stay with you.  While it may seem obvious to you that it's simply for the money, for me, I've never known a woman to ever be obvious.  They just look that way sometimes.

I don't know the whole of your situation, but from what you've shared here, it seems you dropped your girl into a different reality and then slapped her with a "I don't trust you" issue.  That isn't likely to enhance a relationship.

I hope that you find a good resolution to all this.  Perhaps your only choice is to break it off.  Perhaps it's something else though.  Before doing something rash, take a little time to think about it.  Knee jerk reactions often hurt all involved, including yourself.  If there is still love on both sides, then other options are worth exploring.  If money is too important an issue, then it's better for both of you to drop her.  Even if she agrees to the prenup as it is, money, control, and trust issues will continue to plague your relationship until you both overcome them together.

Best of luck in this.  I hope you find the right decision for the both of you.

[that guy]

... in response to Re: big mistake, posted by Globetrotter on Dec 9, 2003

Hang in there mate.

[LP]

... in response to big mistake, posted by KenC on Dec 9, 2003

[This message has been edited by LP]

...I find a lot of wisdom in your posts. I also find a lot of stuff I completely disagree with, like your continuing propensity to say these women are turning their life "upside down" to come here. They accept it and 90% of the ones I know can't wait to bail becaue the FSU life they lead truly sucks. This includes doctors, lawyers, the upper crust so to speak. It's why they got into MOB to begin with. (Not love as many presume, thats simply the icing on the cake.)

I also don't agree he deceived her, it's his right to withold any information he chooses if he deems it to be in his best interest. (But if he's made the call it's now time to come clean.) And I doubt he is making the mistake of a lifetime if he cuts and runs. (Which in the end I'm guessing he won't.)

You're right about pre-marriage assets and money. I wish more guys would try to understand the extra problem they create. They need to think about how difficult it can be to get ahead and how all that sacrifice translates into complicated feelings that go way beyond loving someone. If they knew how hard it really was to get ahead they might better understand how tough it is to swallow the risk of losing it to someone who's done nothing to help get there, especially when there is so much BS involved in divorce preceedings these days. On the other hand it makes me a little envious of guys who don't have this to worry about. Makes life so much simpler at times, in many ways.

But not withstanding the comments in my other post above, I too see signs of his getting cold feet now that the deal is near. Not for the wrong reasons but for the wrong amounts, perhaps he's being too anal. It would be a pity to throw away such a long investment without some give and take. It will make her feel she has some say and build a stronger foundation for their future. After all, he's looking at a lifetime of give and take with her. Best to start now...

I think he's slightly overwhelmed at this point simply because he *knows* what's at stake, both with his assets and with his long and careful investment in this relationship. She's no doubt probably freaking a bit also. Lets wait and see, I know Globe is not as much a loose cannon as he appears...at least when he's thinking straight.

In the end though, nobody here knows all the nuances of his deal so all we can do is offer advice based on personal bias. It's his show and he needs to do what he feels is right for him. If he does choose to bail it'll only be another bump in his road of a different kind and it's good he realizes that.

[KenC]

... in response to As usual....., posted by LP on Dec 9, 2003

LP,
OK.  The deceive part was a little over the top.  LOL.  As I have posted elsewhere in this thread, I was trying to jolt some common sense into Globe.  I think he (and maybe her too) are a little freaked by what lies ahead.  Cold feet?  Nahhh
KenC

[LP]

... in response to Re: As usual....., posted by KenC on Dec 9, 2003

[This message has been edited by LP]

Cold feet in the sense he's worried about his assets. In fact, I suspect he really wants this and will find a way to solve the problem. And jolting is good...I think if he didn't want advice (that he agrees with or not) he wouldn't have posted. As with a few others, you often offer a perspective not always apparent to everyone and I know he values that even if it bends him at times. (lol..it's the same with me.)

I don't to like risk insulting men I respect but that's never stopped me before. No matter what he says, no matter how logical and matter of factly he presents his case, the fact is he has to be emotionally churning over this. It's obvious in his original post and responses. Nothing wrong with that, it's to be expected.

No matter what he says right now, at this point I don't think he's done with her...but thats only *my* gut feeling and I could be wrong. Very few people can simply walk away from a prolonged emotional experience without reflecting as time goes by. It's obvious Globe is a thinking man and he's not likely to escape himself as easily as he wishes.

We shall see. I hope it works out because they both put a lot into it and it'd be a shame to flush it now. But if it doesn't he's no worse off. If nothing else, it's another argument for not putting all your eggs in one basket.

Btw, my compliments on your shrugging off his anger at your comments. You clearly understand he would have prefered this situation turn out differently and he's reacting to the loss. Regardless of whether we agree or not, your grace under fire (in such cases) is a trait I wish I possessed.

[KenC]

... in response to Well....., posted by LP on Dec 9, 2003

LP,
The fact that I have talked to Globe and have great respect for him does not change the fact that my opinion is different from his.  Even smart guys like us need a slap upside our heads once in a while.  LOL.
KenC

[Robert D]

... in response to big mistake, posted by KenC on Dec 9, 2003

I think the idea of not telling one how much you are worth is a good thing as it allows you to decide if the person that you are considering is interested in you or just money.   I would suspect that the woman had some idea of his wealth.  As far as getting nothing is concerned, well if the lady is not working and is taking care of the kids and has missed out on her development for the benefit of the family, I agree with you.  But if that is not the case or if she is working, then she should keep what she contributed.  Why is it that men under the later situation should pay anything when they get divorced?

Robert D

[KenC]

... in response to Re: big mistake, posted by Robert D on Dec 9, 2003

Robert,
My point is that she wasn't told the true magnitude of the man's wealth.  Whether that is valid or not, is not my issue.  But that she had days to ponder the what if's and then may have not responded properly.  I also feel that the RW that turns her life upside down to come here deserves at least a "leg up" to get her life back on track should things not work out.  It is only fair as I see it.
KenC

[jrm]

... in response to Re: Re: big mistake, posted by KenC on Dec 9, 2003

Jeez, 5 K/year will give her a BIG "leg up" in Russia. Greed was her downfall. It's his life, his decision, his consequences.
Why in the world would any sane man "brag" to a prospective third world woman of his wealth!?!? She would have found out soon enough, had her GREED not got in the way.
The entire reason the FSU & American connections work is solely economic. She just saw instant hyperwealth, and was greatly disappointed when it was not guaranteed. Now she is stuck. Serves her right.

[Richard]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: big mistake, posted by jrm on Dec 9, 2003

What if she doesn't want to return to Russia?  I thought that was the point being made.

[jrm]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: big mistake, posted by Richard on Dec 9, 2003


Money was obviously her motive, not love , companionship and commitment.
Globetrotter was her ticket to Amerika, and if she cash's in,(divorces) let her go back to mother Russia, or work like the rest of us.

[Robert D]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: big mistake, posted by jrm on Dec 9, 2003

heck she can work here.   I met a woman in a bar recently who was married to an american.   She says 4 years she has been in the country, and has a green card.  I saw no ring on her finger and she mentioned that she is happy here and working as a waitress at a large hotel (hilton).  The guys she met at the bar was not her husband, and frankly in the 15 minute conversation with her about the US and comparing it to the Ukraine, well I just got the clear impression she got married to get here, divorced her husband and was hot on the hunt for a young stud.   She was tall rather attractive, and VERY confident.  All of my alarms went off in my head with this one and I could only wonder who the guy was that she married and decided to dump.

[Robert D]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: big mistake, posted by Robert D on Dec 9, 2003

The question is why would you pay a woman like the woman I met a dime.  She was happy to be here and working, and felt it was much better than her country.  She made out like a bandit.   So there was no uprooting problem.   She goes home now 2 times a year she said.

Robert D