should you new wife have russian friends???

[Oscar]

... in response to Re: Well said......, posted by Zink on Sep 22, 2002

Although I agree with much of what you say, the part I did not agree with was what you said last-

"I'm smart enough to know that when it comes to love we are all idiots. If you aren't, then you're not in love."

In my opinion, you are not speaking about love but infatuation (another word for sexual attraction) and infatuation IS dangerous, love is not..  Infatuation is in a hurry, love is not.
It's soooo easy to become infatuated with many of the women there, there are just so many hotties!  That is why I am so glad I had more than a few trips over (this may not be as necessary for some guys) because I found it very easy at first to become "infatuated" with just about every woman I met there! LOL!  But through time, I was able to look past the physical beauty and really look for a genuinely sincere and committed woman... I was lucky, I found one who is as lovely inside as on the outside.  

my 2 cents

[Zink]

... in response to Re: Re: Well said......, posted by Oscar on Sep 22, 2002

My first trips to Russia I was with one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen anywhere. It helped me a lot because I wasn't constantly chasing after every pretty girl around. By the time my relationship went sour I was desensitized to mini skirts and see-through blouses. I still enjoy them but I don't stare and drool anymore. I'd love to take a bunch of my single friends over to Russia but I don't want to be responsible for what they'd get into. I've got enough on my hands without turning a 3 year old loose in the world's best candy store.

You do have a point but I still believe that people in love don't think clearly. We tolerate things from the people that are close to us that we never would in a stranger. Part of that is accepting them for who they are but at times it is deliberate blindess.

[Oscar]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Well said......, posted by Zink on Sep 22, 2002

My main point was that I personally feel it is very important to take ones time in this process.  I agree that it would be very helpful to minimize the "deliberate blindness".  I know that I personally had certain requirements for a woman and if she didn't meet these, it didn't matter how attracted I was, I walked away.  I think a guy has to be able to do this.. Some can and some can't.  

My thoughts-
A guy can do his "research" on a woman before or after he gets her here.  If he does it before, he has likely been on a few trips to the FSU and is able to easily spot scammers from this experience.  With his girl, he has met and spent a LOT of time with her family and friends, seen how she treats them, how they respond to her, how they truly feel about her etc..  You see how she treats waiters and waitresses and shop employees.  You see how she feels about spending your money.  Is she asking you to buy her this and that or is she concerned that you not get ripped off by a taxi driver and haggles every grivna with him on your behalf??  You will have found whether you truly have common interests and values rather than just that she is a hottie with a great bod!  You will know how she feels about being a wife and her role as such, what she expects from you as a husband.  You will know how she feels about children and the raising of them.  You will know what she believes in doing with free time, spent together or apart?  You will know how she feels about religion, sex and home finance and saving or spending money.  You will know from her how she (and through the observations and examples from her family and friends) feels about fidelity and honesty..

The other way is to meet a girl on a first trip, know little about the culture or the people, find her wildly attractive, ask her to marry you.  Then bring her to the USA and have 3 months to see if all the other stuff happens to be there too.  Lots of times, it's not.  And after the infatuation wears off, there is nothing else there to sustain the relationship.

Of course, I'm not married like Ken, so my opinion is worthless and naive, but I feel really comfortable having done the former rather than the latter and I recommend it, not because I am married yet, but because I have worked with hundreds of couples in my work and I know what makes a successful relationship and what doesn't.  Of course, everyone is different, in their approaches, their needs, their desires of what is truly important to them..  I know that I sifted through over probably 125 women I met there personally, not to mention the endless hours of reading profiles from websites and more email contacts with women than I care to remember!  ;-)  When I found the woman I was searching for who met my criteria (not just the one that I wanted to jump immediately into bed with), the woman I had found all the above with, I was done.. If that's naive, I'll take it.. ;-)    

Later    

[Zink]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Well said......, posted by Oscar on Sep 22, 2002

I agree with you about the time part. Canadians don't have the advantage of a 90 day fiance visa any more. We have to get married overseas and bring our spouse home after. New legislation this year. And there is almost no chance of someone from the FSU getting a tourist visa. This bothers me because I don't want to marry somebody who hasn't seen my home and my life firsthand. It's a big decision and I want my partner to have all the available information before making it.

I know you don't like KenC but I agree with him on this point. Don't say you're a success yet. I had a fiance once upon a time too. So you found a woman that you think is compatible. That's the easy part. It's only going to get tougher. I hope it does work for you though.

[KenC]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Well said......, posted by Zink on Sep 22, 2002

Zink,
I think you have a very good grip on the realities here.  Regardless of what Oscar posts, differenciating between infatuation and love is difficult at best.  Only time will expose the truth.  It is easy (and naive) of him to declare his choice successful before his fiancee even steps on American soil.  I don't wish ANYONE bad luck in their relationships, but it is better to be cautious than not.  A kind of cautious optimism is the best approach.  Someone that only sees "blue sky" is in for possible disappointments.  There are so many obstacals ahead that no one can predict the outcome.  (Will the relationship smoothly progress upon living together?  Will the RW assimilate to America?)  Time will only tell the truth.
KenC