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Author Topic: should you new wife have russian friends???  (Read 6450 times)
keithandkatya
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« on: September 21, 2002, 04:00:00 AM »
I still look at the board from time to time but not as much as before because this marriage stuff does keep you focused on other things Smiley... but still I get some good info and I am willing to give back whatever experiences I have to offer from time to time...

I guess the bottom line is every marriage or courtship and every man and woman are going to be different... so take it all with a grain of salt but be willing to keep an open mind and both ears open.. or as my wife says close one ear so that what im telling you doesnt go in one ear and out the other!!  LOL

I read from stevo that he thought it was a terrible idea to try to introduce you lady to russian or ukranian friends when she comes here.. hmm  while I agree you want your lady to assimilate quickly and you dont want her spending all her time speaking russian and being with russians etc.  I think this is unlikely for most women if they are truely in love with their husbands. It also depends on the girl... how much english does she know... has she ever been away from home for a long period before.. and other factors.  I can tell you that it is a big change for my wife. I am very glad that I looked into the small( and might I say very small Ukranian/russian community) in my immediate area. There are only 3 or 4 familys in our small town... about 20 miles away is a russian store... and about 40 miles away another russian store. It is nice to know they are there so that when she gets homesick she can get some real russian fish for her borscht or marmalade or other things... She buys food at the american store 95 per cent of the time... she speaks english to me and my family, and of course when she goes to english class, and when we watch movies and tv- 90 percent of the time... so Im glad she has some ukranian and russian girlfriends that she talks to once in awile..and the ability to call her family every week... put yourself in your wife's place... it is very tough on these girls to leave everything.

I understand the hesitation of some who might be afraid that their wife's will not adjust to life here if they have russian friends but I think the key is moderation and the most important factor -- if your wife is truely in love with you... just some thoughts on a saturday... all the best,
Keith
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da
Guest
« Reply #1 on: September 23, 2002, 04:00:00 AM »
... in response to should you new wife have russian friends..., posted by keithandkatya on Sep 21, 2002

You sound like a typical mail order bride abuser. if your wife wants to make friends how gives you a right to prohibit her from making friends? Believe or not Russian wives are more likey to cheat on their american husbands with non-russian men. i know this one RW who is having afair with some black guy.
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Alfred
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« Reply #2 on: September 23, 2002, 04:00:00 AM »
... in response to don't be selfish, posted by da on Sep 23, 2002
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JohnG
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« Reply #3 on: September 22, 2002, 04:00:00 AM »
... in response to should you new wife have russian friends..., posted by keithandkatya on Sep 21, 2002

Hey Keith,

Glad to hear everything is going well. It is for me too. I am very happy I made the choice that I did.

On to the subject at hand. Olga and I have made many friends that are American-Russian couples. I believe it is important for our Russian wives to meet others from their country here. In my case, it has only helped Olga's assimilation into American life. When she has concerns about something, her friends that have been here longer reassure her. Olga does the same for those that haven't been here as long as she. And my life has become richer by knowing these wonderful Russian friends. They also help me to understand my Olga better. We even have a Russian couple as friends. Svetlana works in the restaurant where I perform on weekends, and she and her boyfriend are very young Russians here on work visas. They love America and hope to become citizens one day.

Gentlemen, your Russian fiancee/wife IS Russian, and you will never take that out of her, nor should you want to. Any of the men I know of who have tried to limit their wives' contacts with other Russians, or even calling back home, are in serious trouble with their relationships and in danger of losing their women. Understandably so.

Guys, the same rules-of-thumb hold true in your relationships with your Russian women as they do with American women. Treat your woman with respect, honour, and dignity, and give her the space to be her own person when she wants to. And if you have the unfortunate luck of having a woman who used you to come to this country, better that you find out as early as possible. I would be willing to bet that, in the examples of such bad experiences listed in the posts below this one, it wasn't having Russian friends here and speaking Russian to them that ruined the relationship. There probably wasn't much of a relationship to begin with.

Anyway, that's my point of view on the subject. Now I am going to bed. Goodnight!
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Charles
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« Reply #4 on: September 22, 2002, 04:00:00 AM »
... in response to Re: should you new wife have russian fri..., posted by JohnG on Sep 22, 2002

John, I agree completely with your observations.  Trying to push American friends at the expense of Russian friends will result in you getting burned every time, and you're right on the money with the thought that it's not having Russian friends that ruin a relationship.  Believe me, if you have a good relationship, your wife's Russian friends will support that relationship.
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LP
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« Reply #5 on: September 21, 2002, 04:00:00 AM »
... in response to should you new wife have russian friends..., posted by keithandkatya on Sep 21, 2002

...I'll repeat my experiences here for what it's worth. It'll seem negative, because it is. (I realize that preaching to the cult will have little effect, but I'll do it anyway.)

I have two friends who married FSU woman. Both were fine until they began to socalize with the local community, then they ended up having affairs with their own kind. Granted, these were younger examples of the breed, so you *may* be OK with an older woman.

Both cases nearly ended with homicides. The third one I know about, local to me, ended with a nice guy being pushed over the edge. Unable to cope and unable to do it himself, he was gunned down by the local law when he deliberately brandished a weapon at them. It was later shown his "lady" had milked him for everything he was worth, just to get here. As in most of these cases, she should have been the one blown up.

I know you think these girls were "bad" in some way, or that they didn't "love" their American husbands. The two I knew were solid, or so everyone  thought. But as one said to me: "You will never be a Russian and you will never have the soul of a Russian. You simply can't understand."

Get her involved at your own risk. The fact is, if they could have found good men in the FSU, men without the drinking, employment or cultural problems, they would have done that. No matter what you think, 95% of them would have stayed home if they could've found what you offered.

Well, guess what? Many FSU guys here (especialy the young ones) have everything you do, and then some, and suffer none of the problems their counterparts do back home. If you're worried about the other FSU women your girl might meet, better worry about the men instead.

And if you think "yours" couldn't *possibly* do this, you could well be in for an education. They like their own kind for obvious reasons, plain and simple. At least thats what I've seen. If shes a youngster, say under 30, consider yourself warned.
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keithandkatya
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« Reply #6 on: September 21, 2002, 04:00:00 AM »
... in response to To balance that thought....., posted by LP on Sep 21, 2002

Hey LP,

 I would have expected no less... but I dont see the "balance" as you state. I started my post by saying everyone's experience is different and I just decided to post mine in case some of the new husbands might want to ease their wife's into the cultural shock that anyone from any country experience's when entering a different country to live thus leaving everything they have known in the past behind. It seems common sense to me to ease this transition as much as possible... but every situation is different. I never said anything about thinking some girl is a "bad" girl so I think perhaps you were putting your own spin on it... I will say that I have been around the block a few times and I have known many several good friends that married girls from a different country. I know some of the problems they faced... I knew one man who married a girl from china... and she spent 90 per cent of her time with her chinese friends... the marriage failed so I am aware of this danger... but as I stated in the post... having some ties to back home while making the transition in my opinion in some situations is a healthy thing...as I will repeat "it depends on the woman and the marriage".  

Anyway I have known several other marriages that lasted for a long time and others not so long... each one for different reasons... I think I have learned from these experiences but the most important thing I have learned is to be humble and realize that life is to fricking short and you will never know exactly how things will turn out... the wise man makes the most of the time he has and doesnt waste it on trying to be "in control" of everything and believing the false idea that you "know" because the first step to wisdom is the realization that there is a universe of knowledge that you will never have the time or ability to comprehend--- no crime in that it happens to all of us on some level... just my opinion... take these thoughts and may they serve you well...

Keith
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LP
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« Reply #7 on: September 22, 2002, 04:00:00 AM »
... in response to happy saturday night... , posted by keithandkatya on Sep 21, 2002

....But thats my reality, my experiences. If you did better, good for you. The balance was showing that bad things can happen to those too anxious to fill that hole in their soul, on both sides.

Sure, there is a universe of knowledge I'll never know nor be in control of. But I can focus on the stuff that counts, when it counts, and manipulate the results in my favor. Its what I do and it has served me well. Again, my experiences and perception are my reality, your own mileage may vary.

As John Wayne used to say: "Life is hard, real hard if you're stupid." No point in letting it get the upper hand, is there? My Sat night is great, because I know there is zero chance my woman will be be taking me to the cleaners while other's roll the dice. Trust me, thats as good as it gets. As for you expecting no less, I take that as a compliment.

I agree life is short, and a one time deal to boot. Makes it all the more strange to piss it away shooting from the hip.

Just my opinion, take those thoughts and may they serve you well.
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Oscar
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« Reply #8 on: September 22, 2002, 04:00:00 AM »
... in response to Fair nuff..., posted by LP on Sep 22, 2002

"Courage is being scared to death.. and saddling up anyway"!

There are certainly more than a few unscrupulous women in the FSU, but there are also those women there who are utterly sincere, committed, loyal and loving, just like in any culture.  I think it comes down to taking your time and thinking with your big head instead of your small one..
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Zink
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« Reply #9 on: September 22, 2002, 04:00:00 AM »
... in response to Fair nuff..., posted by LP on Sep 22, 2002

Hey LP, The thing with your story is that it can and does happen with people from the same town. It doesn't neccessarily have to be an international relationship to screw things up bad.

But unfortunatley it seems that many people who search over seas do it because they can't find someone here. It ain't always the women's fault that we're alone. H3ll, if I could've married the girl next door I wouldn't be living in Russia as much as I do. So I guess we have a larger percentage of people with weak relationship skills going into a more difficult form of relationship. But not everyone in this is totally helpless around women.

Life is short and I've seen a lot of rough stuff. Personally I'd trade a few good times on the chance that it might change for the worse in the future. The only way to avoid woman problems is to avoid women. I've lived the life of a hermit and to be honest I didn't enjoy it. It's late and I hope I'm coherent. Just some thoughts from an optimistic pessimist.
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LP
Guest
« Reply #10 on: September 22, 2002, 04:00:00 AM »
... in response to Re: Fair nuff..., posted by Zink on Sep 22, 2002

...by the man from the Great White North.

Yes, of course it doesn't have to be an international relationship. But the more difficult something is to obtain, the more painful it will be to lose. All the more so when the "thing" you went through so much for betrays you.

After all, local women are easy to get. (so to speak) No visa, trips, waiting, all that. But to go through this process and then have her stick it too you can be more difficult to swallow, at least thats what these two guys told me. Besides, local chicks interacting with their "kind" isn't an issue, as was the point of the previous comments. And as you say, the odds go up just from the international aspect of it. Those who think otherwise are simply deluding themselves.

Hey, I like these girls too. If what I have flames (and nothing is forever) I'll be the first saddle on up again. (A tip O the hat to Oscar) But I'll leave the blinders on the horse where they belong and I'll carry a big stick for the snakes.

I completely agree with everything else you said, it's right on the money. Those not blinded by the light could learn much from it.
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KenC
Guest
« Reply #11 on: September 22, 2002, 04:00:00 AM »
... in response to Well said......, posted by LP on Sep 22, 2002

LP/Zink,
I agree with what you guys are saying.  Zink kind of hit the nail with "So I guess we have a larger percentage of people with weak relationship skills going into a more difficult form of relationship."  I have long been of the opinion that there are two types of men that seek foreign women: Men seeking BETTER women that are not limited by the local geography.  The second type would be limited in the local dating pool by lacking the social skills necessary.  Because of HIS limitations, this type is forced to use America as his ultimate "date bait" and goes for a foreign woman.
-
I have met many FSUW/AM couples over the last 4 years.  Unfortunately, the majority of the men fall into the second type.  In every case where that is true, the marriage has failed or is in real trouble.  The opposite is true when the man falls into the first catagory.  The point I want to make is that it is the man's shortcommings that spell disaster in these relationships, not the FSU woman's.
KenC
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Zink
Guest
« Reply #12 on: September 22, 2002, 04:00:00 AM »
... in response to a point here, posted by KenC on Sep 22, 2002

I think you are partly right. But when you have a guy using his country as "date bait" and a woman who accepts that as the only criteria... Trouble. The woman is probably lacking the spirit neccessary to make it work as well. Life with another person isn't easy. They both need to be dedicated to making it work. I know a lot of divorced couples around here. It was almost never entirely one person's fault. There are exceptions of course.

The girls I've dated in Russia were very particular about the men they were with. They weren't looking to jump on the first guy with a ticket out of Russia. The 2 ladies I'm dating at the moment both have travelled outside of Russia. One doesn't even live there now. So the visa part is a non issue. I don't know if I'm just lucky to have met more sincere women or what. But then I describe my life in detail to the people I write to. That tends to scare away the ones who only want money or an easy life.
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KenC
Guest
« Reply #13 on: September 22, 2002, 04:00:00 AM »
... in response to Re: a point here, posted by Zink on Sep 22, 2002

Zink,
You are right when you say that the RW also has a responsibility in accepting the "date bait".  From what I have seen, the RW usually has the thinking that the guy is OK and she can tolerate him for the opportunity to move to America.  After she gets here, things change.  Partly because the AM is not quite as dynamic as he portrayed himself while visiting her country or he sugar coated his lifestyle, ect.  She IS guilty of having a "plan B" (moving on).  So, they are both at fault, as I see it.
KenC
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Zink
Guest
« Reply #14 on: September 22, 2002, 04:00:00 AM »
... in response to Well said......, posted by LP on Sep 22, 2002

I understand what you're saying about "But the more difficult something is to obtain, the more painful
it will be to lose." My first relationship with a RW was a good example. When things started going badly I didn't want to let go. Any girl here that treated me like she did would have gotten the boot much quicker. I have a very low tolerance for rudeness.

But because of all the time and effort I put into my relationship with her I tried to make a go of it. We drug things out for a few more months including another trip to Russia before it died. I'm just lucky that she was smart enough to not to marry me. I would've married her. She wasn't a scammer, we just weren't meant for each other. I learned a lot from that woman. About Russia, about women and about myself. It hurt like h3ll to let go, but all in all I think it was worth it. We learn more quickly from pain.

I'm older and wiser now and hopefully won't do that again. Still if I find another lady that makes me feel that way who knows? I'm smart enough to know that when it comes to love we are all idiots. If you aren't, then you're not in love.
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