ending my engagement cont..

[SteveD]

Thanks guys for all the advice.

I think trusting your gut instinct is the general consensus opinion and thats what I'm going to do.

When I spoke to her on the phone and she told me she wasn't feeling well and could i call her back, well that was really the last straw in a whole series of small put downs that she's levelled at me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect and I've inadvertantly upset her on many occasion. The difference is that when my behaviour was out of order, it was a genuine mistake on my part. Half the time when I had done something wrong I didn't get to know about it until a day or so later when she would take her revenge in some hurtful manner. She's had me in tears on a couple of occasions (something that seems to turn her on by the way!).

So far I've been unable to talk to her because she's away at a wedding, so unfortunately I've been stewing over the whole affair over the last few days. Its given me plenty of time to think back to the other occasions when she's behaved less than reasonably and I'm starting to worry big time. The more I think the more I'm starting to realise that she's not wife material.

Anyway, thanks again for the advice guys and I will let you all know what happens.

STEVE

[Ramblin]

... in response to ending my engagement cont.., posted by SteveD on Jan 26, 2002

Steve !!!!!!!!
I wasn't going to put my 2cents in because you posted that you decided to call her the next day and tell you that you love her, but since she was not there and you didn't, now maybe you will heed my advice.  Your problem seems to me that you are smothering her a bit and bugging her too much.  It's obvious to me.  Contrary to the advice that was given below where a few guys thought you should call her more often.  I say, absence makes the heart grow fonder.  Give her three weeks of no contact and see what happens.

[Clay]

... in response to ending my engagement cont.., posted by SteveD on Jan 26, 2002

Well, I thought I would post a little follow up here and pass along some information about an advice columnist. I've had nothing but difficulty with women, and at 30 remain unmarried.  When you wrote about the things your fiance was/is doing - it made my skin crawl - been there WAAAAAYYYY too many times, and I feel for you.

The columnist is a fella out in CA.  He is not politically correct, and doesn't pull any punches when it comes to telling guys how to win a woman's heart - he'll even lay into guys when they are the one's doing things wrong.  He doesn't tell ya how to get them in bed - in fact he avoids the topic.  I've read dozens of self help books about women, and experienced rejection in every form imaginable (Most people don't beleive some of my stories - I have the worst luck coupled with cronik foot in mouth).  I landed on his stuff purely by accident, and I now SWEAR by his advice, and refuse to pay much attention to any other advice from this point on.

You can read his weekly column at Askmen.com.  Just click on the Dating and Love link in the left frame, and then look for the articles by DocLove.  They have ALL of his letters archived, so follow the links.  There are over 100 letters in there.  You will learn tons.  If you like what you read, you can order his "System".  It's a 100 bucks (available at AskMen as well), and I was disappointed with the quality of materials, but the information is worth it's weight in gold when it comes to women.  It opened my eyes, particularly his discussions of the Reality Factor, which put a whole new perspective on my dealings with women.

I figured it is good information given the topic of this board, and while reading some of what people are dealing with in regards to their relationships, it is certainly very applicable to RW as well (albeit a little different given cultural perspectives)  In fact his advice is one of the things that brought me around to this topic.  AW are in competition with AM when it comes to love, and after having my eyes opened to the difficulties I was facing and why - I decided it might be a good idea to remove the Feminista movement from the equation altogether ;-)

Clay

[SteveD]

... in response to Re: ending my engagement cont.., posted by Clay on Jan 28, 2002

Thanks Clay for the tip,

Actually i've been reading the Doc Love column for the last few months...almost forked out the $99 to buy the system but decided not to because I was already engaged.

The way things are going I may buy it after all.

By the way, its been a week since my little phone tiff with my fiancee and i still have not been able to speak to her. Last I heard she had gone to a wedding....must be a hell of a do! I really am looking forward to speaking to her eventually to find out whats going on. Wonder what excuse she is going to come up with this time. Mind you, I'm only her fiancee, why should she let me know what she's up to!

STEVE

[Lynn]

... in response to ending my engagement cont.., posted by SteveD on Jan 26, 2002

"He who loves the least is always in control" , think about it.

Lynn

[greg2]

... in response to A Dixie Proverb, posted by Lynn on Jan 27, 2002

asdf

[Lynn]

... in response to Yea if control is what you are about - n..., posted by greg2 on Jan 27, 2002

.

[greg2]

... in response to You missed the point all the way, n/t, posted by Lynn on Jan 27, 2002

I can only comment on the words written so, how is this interpreted in the south? - please enlighten me. thanks in advance

[Lynn]

... in response to Re: You missed the point all the way, n/..., posted by greg2 on Jan 28, 2002

Almost anyone who was had much experience with women should know that which ever person that loves the least----be it the man or the woman------that person is in control to varing degrees of the other person and the relationship. And as KenC added, "The more love diminishes, the more control increases" and he hit that right on the head. If you love someone enough, a person will do almost anything to make it work, even if they deep down know that the other person doesn't have the same feelings for them. I've been on both sides of relationships that have proven that "Proverb" time and again. Been there done that, got the tee shirt and a bunch of signatures on it.
If you don't know it already, sooner or later you will discover that most women from the FSU have a strong will and unless you have a strong personality she may end up wearing the pants in the family if you marry one of these ladies. Then again she may chew you up and spit you out before it gets that far. Best of luck in "TheSearch"

[BarryM]

... in response to Re: You missed the point all the way, n/..., posted by greg2 on Jan 28, 2002

First understand that if love is unrequited, there is not a balance in a relationship, if you can call it that. It becomes about power and control. If you have never experienced it, you wouldn't understand. I have been on both sides of the equation.

If you can understand what a co-dependant relationship is; a relationship where one partner is emotionally and/or financially dependant on the other; and where the other partner is not so dependant; then you can get an idea of what that phrase means.

Women these days, use this type of manipulation all the time. Because women are more independant these days, boyfriends and husbands become more disposable. If a woman does not feel that she is in love, but enjoys the benefits of having a guy spend money on her and give her attention, for her it becomes a relationship of convenience and comfort but in no way serious emotionally. If the guy, on the other hand, has an emotional stake in the relationship, and is perhaps in love with her, he is often blinded to reality. The thinking that attention, affection, attempting romance, spending money, and flattery will win the heart of a woman who doesn't care is foolish. What happens with a lot of women is they will use the man for personal gain and control just for their amusement. I have met many women who'd rather have a power relationship where they only care about control rather than love. They only show enough affection and attention to keep the guys hooked.

Basically, Steve's fiancee wants him to put up with anything she dishes out and still give her anything she wants. She is only motivated by her greed and selfishness. She will play him for all he's worth and use the crying act to emotionally manipulate him into caving in and overlooking her selfish and inconsiderate behavior. She may care for him in a small way, enough to enjoy his company, money, and flattery, but not enough to stay married to him. She will always try to exert her power over him until she gets what she wants and she is tired of him or he finally understands her games and decides to dump her.

Hence the Dixie Proverb "He(she)who loves the least is always in control" holds true. I've been there. A few months ago, WmGo gave some very good advice on dealing with some of these RW. He said that if they don't behave in a proper way, dump them on the spot. Don't put up with any crap from them whatsoever, no matter how good looking they are and how much you may like them. Steve's fiancee is a good example.

-blm

[BubbaGump]

... in response to A Dixie Proverb, posted by Lynn on Jan 27, 2002

I've never heard of any "Dixie Proverbs" but with all that bible reading I guess it must be a saying in at least some parts of the south.  Unfortunately that is a proverb that rings of truth.

[Lynn]

... in response to That's a new one on me, posted by BubbaGump on Jan 27, 2002

You must be a cityboy:) Anyone who grew up in the South has heard "Dixie Proverbs" most of their life. It has nothing to do with "bible reading", just truth and plain common sense-----the latter being something that tends to leave us at times when dealing with members of the opposite sex. With a handle like "BubbaGump" (and I take it that the name may come in part from a movie?), everyone has heard the one about "Life is like a box of chocolates"  
Webster's definition of proverb "a short, popular saying expressing an obvious truth"

Another favorite "Dixie Proverb" of mine is as follows and can be applied to a lot of so called truths here------"Even a blind hog finds a acorn once in a while"

3 or 2cts from Dixie,

Lynn

[BubbaGump]

... in response to Dixie Proverbs, posted by Lynn on Jan 27, 2002

Yeah, I'm a southern city boy, but my parents grew up in small southern towns.  I don't think I know southern culture that well for as long as I lived in the south.  I never tried fried okra until I was over 30 and have never eaten catfish.  

That saying is: "Even a blind squirrel finds a nut every now and then".

[Lynn]

... in response to Re: Dixie Proverbs, posted by BubbaGump on Jan 27, 2002

"Even a blind squirrel finds a nut every now and then", yep, yet another variation, I have heard it both ways, but it depends on whether you are speaking in terms of groveling thru the b.s. or aimlessly searching the high spots as to which variation should be used.
I never cared much for catfish, but I have eaten that and almost anything else you can think of, from deep fried rattlesnake to turtle stew, except possum-----I've always said that I would try almost anything once, but I'd have to draw the line there.
One of my least favorite Southern dishes is a old recipe for stewed chicken, the chicken is quartered then stewed until tender, all the meat is stripped from the major parts, cut or shredded into smaller pieces and placed into a deep dish, then all the bones and boney parts are placed back in the stew pot with the original water and boiled for a while longer. Then this condensed broth is poured over the meat and allowed to gel (looks like pale yellow jello----usually very bland tasting), then it is served cold. I hated that dish as a kid (one of my aunts would always bring it to family reunions), guess what I had for dinner the first time I ate dinner with the family of my first Ukrainian several years ago, I know I must have turned green when her mother uncovered the dish. I couldn't do it, no way was I going to eat that, but I did. It is amazing what some of us wil do for a woman;)

[KenC]

... in response to A Dixie Proverb, posted by Lynn on Jan 27, 2002

Lynn,
That is so true it is scarey.  You gave me flashbacks to my 20+ year first marriage.  You could also add to it "The more love diminishes, the more control increases".
KenC