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Title: ...Of sampaguita and provinciyanas(T.Rpt pt2) Post by: The Mog on October 26, 2001, 04:00:00 AM Hello my friends, sorry my second installment has taken so long..
Three trips to asia have send me into financial destruction, though the memories will remain priceless to me forever. This trip especially, I have learned more about the Philippine people, and about myself, and what the differences between what I thought I wanted, and what I need, in a lifelong relationship. I thought that once I was engaged, I would jumping in the air, and happiness would be overwhelming me. but I feel none of these things. After spending three weeks with my beautiful young girlfriend, I came to the realization that I need and want more in a marriage than a girl whose days will consist of watching MTV videos, looking at herself in the mirror, and eating. Even though her English is quite good, she finds the constant hassle of translating to be tiresome I guess, and is content to stay quiet most of the time. I felt like a guy with a young child, responsible for feeding and clothing and shelter, yet unable to communicate or find the support or conversation, or excitement or fun that I thought I would be guaranteed me. I realize the girls must think Im shallow, and the guys think Im crazy, but I really just plain dont like her. And I am engaged to her. A girl most guys would die for. But looks and body dont seem as important to me as they once did. I feel like I have gained ten years of self-knowledge in a single three week trip...I envy those of you who have found someone that you truly have feelings for. My feelings for her are as a friend only. And I cant bear to think of the day that I must tell her my true feelings. Did any of you guys have any apprehensions or can anyone relate to what Im going through? I thought I knew what I wanted, but I was bored stiff with her. When I first arrived I spent some time with a few of my other (gro) girlfriends, and though they seem a little more bohemian and wordly, there was not that magic feeling with them either. On the contrary, one was even more immature and childish. Which is what I thought I always felt comfortable with, I wouldnt say Im intimated by strong, outspoken women, I just dont like them. Id like someone like my friend has. Someone who is smart, respectful of men, interesting and yet strong and has opinions, yet has an open mind and doesnt shoot down other people. Its all in the delivery. sorry for the rambling...to be contd.. Title: Jumped to quick! Post by: Don J on October 31, 2001, 05:00:00 AM ... in response to ...Of sampaguita and provinciyanas(T.Rpt..., posted by The Mog on Oct 26, 2001
It seems that perhaps your parameters where a bit narrowed when you started your quest. How did you come to know this girl? What are your ages?. To many times I read of how people find a young beauty from the RP by picking their picture from a Website or catalog, without considering compatibility. To many people fall in love with an image and think that they can mold that person into someone they are not. It is good that you have come to the realization that this girl is not compatible with your idea of a life partner and I hope that you find someone who does. My suggestion is to broaden your parameters to include inner beauty and not but as much emphasis on physical appearance and your goal may be easier met. Communication is very important, however consider what may be going through the mind of your potential partner as you spend time together. It's a two way street, both parties will be making sacrifices in a marriage and hers will undoubtedly will be greater than yours. Best of luck to you in your quest, don't let this situation discourage you. Don J Title: Thank you for such candid post - many can learn from it Post by: FilipinaCupid on October 28, 2001, 04:00:00 AM ... in response to ...Of sampaguita and provinciyanas(T.Rpt..., posted by The Mog on Oct 26, 2001
You have learned much from your trip and such realizations are not uncommon,,, just uncommon that people frank enough to share with others. I have talked with many men & women that learned many insights during their 1st visit. It is really hard to know many issues before you actually make 1st visit, and 1st personal romance is even more of a learning experience. Letters and phone calls help tremendously but not same as face to face. Others may find your "Quiet" friend very comforting & loving instead of boring. For both man & woman it is matter of finding right match for you as individuals. Blessings on your search for true love, Jean @^:^@ Title: Re: ...Of sampaguita and provinciyanas(T.Rpt pt2) Post by: cc on October 27, 2001, 04:00:00 AM ... in response to ...Of sampaguita and provinciyanas(T.Rpt..., posted by The Mog on Oct 26, 2001
Dear Mog, Few have the wisdom and introspection to realize and admit truths about themselves, even more so, if uncomfortable and not fitting societal norms. Do yourself and your fiancee a favour and put this relationship to an end. The sooner, the better it will be for both of you. Don't lie to her! tell, her, how you felt during your being with her, tell her how bored you felt and how little in common you had. She may take you for a jerk. She probably will cry. She will however get over it, and be able to find TRUE LOVE with a partner who is a better match than the two of you. Learn from those who found out too late and had to pay dearly for it. Meanwhile, enjoy your newfound "freedom" and GRO friends with (a little less, now I hope) guilt ;-) Title: Re: ...Of sampaguita and provinciyanas(T.Rpt pt2) Post by: DonaVictorina on October 27, 2001, 04:00:00 AM ... in response to ...Of sampaguita and provinciyanas(T.Rpt..., posted by The Mog on Oct 26, 2001
To the MOg, It sounds that you didn't know what you were looking for when you came to meet the girls...more so at communicating with them at the start. It seems that you were so engrossed at having someone on the onset overlooking some things. You should have considered that these girls are not articulate with their english and if you cannot cope with this deficiency...then it was for you to have considered them as red flags. COmmunication is a key to a good relationship...so it was bothers you that you have to translate everytime...then perhaps i would say there are deficiencies on both sides which have to be dealt with. Title: Re: Re: ...Of sampaguita and provinciyanas(T.Rpt pt2) Post by: Mars on October 27, 2001, 04:00:00 AM ... in response to Re: ...Of sampaguita and provinciyanas(T..., posted by DonaVictorina on Oct 27, 2001
Deficiencies on both sides? I don't think so. At least Mog recognized his error in time. Even better yet, thanks to his quick mental stealth, he will be able to escape in one piece. Title: Re: Re: ...Of sampaguita and provinciyanas(T.Rpt pt2) Post by: Jay on October 27, 2001, 04:00:00 AM ... in response to Re: ...Of sampaguita and provinciyanas(T..., posted by DonaVictorina on Oct 27, 2001
Hey Donia, Mog said it bother's HER to have to tranlate everytime. I don't think they were speaking Tagalog. Maybe you should read these post's a second time before posting a reply. His is one of the most honest and "need's to be considered" post's I have seen on this board, but as usaul, you must find some fault with the foriegner. If you are who I think you are, my question to you is, why did you even marry an American if you despise us so much? Or is it just men you don't care for? Or just the MOB thing, think these guy's are somehow using Filipina's? Whatever it is, I think your hateful opinion's stink. They are worthless. Jay Title: Re: Re: ...Of sampaguita and provinciyanas(T.Rpt pt2) Post by: The Mog on October 27, 2001, 04:00:00 AM ... in response to Re: ...Of sampaguita and provinciyanas(T..., posted by DonaVictorina on Oct 27, 2001
Dona, perhaps you misunderstood me. The girl of which I speak, after 9 or so years of English in her school and college, is quite capable of communicating in English. I just think she finds it gives her a headache and therefore uses it sparingly, at best.... I am rather adept at understanding all but the most off-base attempts at the English language, with a great deal of patience and understanding too, I might add, as I have quite a few non-English speaking people that work for me. Along with gestures and body language I can usually understand almost anyone with even rudimentary English skills. Its simply that after spending 3 weeks with her, I found her very dull and boring. I would certainly hope that the Filipinas on the board do not feel a need to come to the defense of their countrywomen on this issue. We are speaking about one particular person, not the entire population of Philippine women here. I am merely sharing my personal experiences with others, and trying to find out if anyone else has come across similar situations. I have a very clear and distinct idea of the Filipina that I am looking for. And it is not her. Title: Re: ...Of sampaguitas Post by: Jimbo on October 26, 2001, 04:00:00 AM ... in response to ...Of sampaguita and provinciyanas(T.Rpt..., posted by The Mog on Oct 26, 2001
Mog, Thank you for that very candid post! Great honesty with a key point: after all the wonderfully sincere letters, lovely photographs, heart-to-heart phone conversations, and long days together sharing dreams for the future... you may respect her, admire her, and desire her. But if you don't find her an interesting person, she's probably not the right one for you. Jim Title: Re: ...Of sampaguita and provinciyanas(T.Rpt pt2) Post by: Minnesota guy on October 26, 2001, 04:00:00 AM ... in response to ...Of sampaguita and provinciyanas(T.Rpt..., posted by The Mog on Oct 26, 2001
Thanks for the enlightening information. You sound like a really smart guy who has figured out a lot of stuff that many others have not. Sorry to hear it's been such a financial burden for you. I feel very fortunate to have met the woman of my dreams on my first trip. However, if I had met a woman like yours initially, I may of been in the same boat. Title: Re: Re: ...Of sampaguita and provinciyanas(T.Rpt pt2) Post by: The Mog on October 27, 2001, 04:00:00 AM ... in response to Re: ...Of sampaguita and provinciyanas(T..., posted by Minnesota guy on Oct 26, 2001
Minnesota Guy, I am a Minnesota guy also, I am in the Twin Citie's. Perhaps someday when I have finally found my love and brought her here we can meet up and go out on a double date. Title: Re: Re: Re: ...Of sampaguita and provinciyanas(T.Rpt pt2) Post by: Minnesota guy on October 27, 2001, 04:00:00 AM ... in response to Re: Re: ...Of sampaguita and provinciyan..., posted by The Mog on Oct 27, 2001
Hey Mog, Sounds like fun to me. Meantime if your ever going to be down in the Winona area drop me an e-mail. I'd enjoy swapping stories with you. Bill Title: Re: Re: Re: Re: ...Of sampaguita (Minnesota Guy) Post by: The Mog on October 28, 2001, 04:00:00 AM ... in response to Re: Re: Re: ...Of sampaguita and provinc..., posted by Minnesota guy on Oct 27, 2001
Minnesota Guy, I also met a guy on my second to last trip from Alexandria MN., he was on his way to Maganilla by Cebu to meet a girl a co-worker had fixed him up with. It did'nt work out with her and he met another girl there, I guess they hit it off pretty good, when he got back he started the 1-29, and in about 5 months she is already here! She just arrived a few weeks ago I guess, I'm going to call him today and see how she is adjusting and how things are working out. That would be cool if our girls had some fellow Filipinas to talk to so far from home! Stay in touch! Title: I would recomend... Post by: Mr Kabalaka on October 26, 2001, 04:00:00 AM ... in response to ...Of sampaguita and provinciyanas(T.Rpt..., posted by The Mog on Oct 26, 2001
Someone closer to your own age. Mr Kabalaka Title: Better to know now... Post by: shadow on October 26, 2001, 04:00:00 AM ... in response to ...Of sampaguita and provinciyanas(T.Rpt..., posted by The Mog on Oct 26, 2001
than later. Try to back out politely, that's the best you can do for her AND you. Anyone worth marrying is worth waiting for! Wait at least until you are sure. I understand the maturity issue you refer to, and others too. Good luck, don't give up! Larry. Title: Bummer Post by: Bear on October 26, 2001, 04:00:00 AM ... in response to ...Of sampaguita and provinciyanas(T.Rpt..., posted by The Mog on Oct 26, 2001
I remember about a year ago we had a "knock down, drag out" fighy on this board fight about maturity in Filipinas. Your post is the first one that illustrates what I would think is immature. Still, I hope you haven't wasted so much time you do not discuss this with her as a "final even" but rather "its time to show me you've grow up" discussion. Bear Title: Great Post! Post by: Ray on October 26, 2001, 04:00:00 AM ... in response to ...Of sampaguita and provinciyanas(T.Rpt..., posted by The Mog on Oct 26, 2001
Mog, I think your post just provided more valuable enlightenment into this whole game of finding a foreign wife than all the advice that I have read here during the last year. It’s a good thing that you are now reflecting on your trip and using your head to think about where you are really going. I think the first requirement of finding “the right one” should be feeling really comfortable and relaxed in each other’s presence. My feeling is that this whole “love” thing is often overblown anyway. Love alone is certainly not an intelligent reason to get married. Find a really good friend first, your “best friend”, then let the love develop from there. And try to find an “ugly one”… ;-) Whatever you decide to do, I wish you luck Mog. Ray Title: Find an Ugly One???? Ray Post by: greg on October 27, 2001, 04:00:00 AM Title: Sounds like you're getting smart.. Post by: Jeff S on October 26, 2001, 04:00:00 AM ... in response to ...Of sampaguita and provinciyanas(T.Rpt..., posted by The Mog on Oct 26, 2001
Having mutual respect, communication, adoration, affection, and a sense of simply wanting to be with that person is essential to the creation of a good marriage. If you feel like you're taking care of a child, you're not the shallow one, the person who'd stay in that relationship just because she's a knockout would be the shallow one. That's what spending time with each other is for - to find out that after the all of both of your faults come to the surface, if you both still want to be with each other more than anything, you may be ready to commit to a lifetime relationship. Remember the rest of your life is a LONG time to spend with someone. Keep looking and you find that someone who "is smart, respectful of men, interesting and yet strong and has opinions, yet has an open mind and doesnt shoot down other people." Best wishes in your search. -- Jeff S. Title: Re: Sounds like you're getting smart.. Post by: The Mog on October 26, 2001, 04:00:00 AM ... in response to Sounds like you're getting smart.., posted by Jeff S on Oct 26, 2001
Thanks. Its seems difficult to be able spend the kind of time required to determine compatability when one is limited to a few week vacation.I simply dont have the finacial resources nor the desire to spend a prolonged time in the philippines, and there is a great difference between letters, emails and phone calls than actually being with someone. And I have all but given up on American women. They seem disinterested in me at best. This search seems more difficult than I first envisioned. I just wonder how so many others have done it. Title: Re: Re: Sounds like you're getting smart.. Post by: Jeff S on October 26, 2001, 04:00:00 AM ... in response to Re: Sounds like you're getting smart.., posted by The Mog on Oct 26, 2001
I spent about 14 weeks total time with my wife before we were married over a span of 2 1/2 years. Even then, I was hit with a number of surprises. We were lucky because she had a tourist visa so could visit me, as well as me visiting her country. I traveled there three times during our courtship, and she, to the US, twice. I dated a number of Asian women before her, both here in the US and in the far east over a five or six year span before settling with her exclusively. I really took my time, but was not interested in having kids so wasn't on any kind of schedule, biological clock or otherwise. There were a few AWs thrown in during that time as well, but never anyone I could ever imagine spending the rest of my life with, though there were plenty of opportunities. - Jeff S. Title: Re: Re: Re: Sounds like you're getting smart.. Post by: Taliman on October 26, 2001, 04:00:00 AM ... in response to Re: Re: Sounds like you're getting smart..., posted by Jeff S on Oct 26, 2001
Dear Mog, There are a million more Filipina's out there. They are Not all the same. What kind of things are you looking for in a mate as far as social activities? Please share your trip pictures if you can. Send to Jeff or Mag-anak or Me :0) dingo5555@lycos.com Title: Re: Re: Re: Re: Sounds like you're getting smart.. Post by: The Mog on October 27, 2001, 04:00:00 AM ... in response to Re: Re: Re: Sounds like you're getting s..., posted by Taliman on Oct 26, 2001
Certainly I would love to share my pics, I shot 7 (!) rolls worth!...I appreciate all the input from everyone...its nice to have friends to use as a sounding board, even invisible cyber ones that I've never met. It was never my intention to label my girl as immature, rather it is me, coming to realize that I have less in common with her than I originally thought. Sweet words and letters will only get you through the first phase of the relationship. I guess Mr. Kalabalaka is right, to a certain extent, however I dont fully agree that age is a predominant factor determining maturity per se, in every instance.. Its possible an older woman may be immature, and that a young woman may be very mature..we are a product of the environment in which we are brought up, and of those who we associate with, people that have an influence on us..friends, family, teachers, even TV... My girl is very smart, but she grew up in a small town in a province. Hence the term "provinciyana", which I had never heard before this trip. Now, there may or may not be anything wrong with this type of girl for some guys..in fact for many , they may be preferable choices. But for me, growing up in the city, the idea of showing her, teaching her, watching her experience everything that she has never seen or done or heard before...well..I guess that initially I found the idea fun and exciting..but in practice, I guess its more fun for her, and rather tedious and tiresome for me. All I know is Im not happy. And I dont want to have children and live with this woman every day for the rest of my life. Maybe years of getting stood up and lied to and jerked around by American women have damaged my psyche..Im 43 and Im not used to spending every waking moment with a girl..day in and day out..Here in the US, I am lucky to ever get an occasional second glance, but over in the Philippines, for some reason they like me a lot..my hair, my skin, my eyes...its almost too easy..its like shooting fish in a barrel..like a kid in a candy shop..and I cant control myself..i want them all, every time I am with one, no matter how georgeous she is, I always see a different one i want to meet..I am very happy however to have so many friends..over there and here on this board.. Very few men will ever have the experiences that we have had, and felt the warmth of the the heart that is the Filipina woman..if there is any fault in any of them it is only that they fall in love and give their heart too easily..but one must think of their own heart first.. Title: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Sounds like you're getting smart.. Post by: Taliman on October 27, 2001, 04:00:00 AM ... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Sounds like you're getti..., posted by The Mog on Oct 27, 2001
I understand your "kid in a candy shop" syndrome. I to felt like that many a times. BUT it's like anything there is always someone smarter, stronger, cuter than you. If you think your the greatest at fixing cars or playing chess there is always someone better. We don't want to spend our whole lives chasing the perfect women because there are actually a lot of perfect women for us. I love Christine for all her good and bad sure Hum's Ex may be cuter but what does cuter cost?...besides a Vacuum...lol Hang in there don't give up.......unless you really want to ;0) |