Update.... (In regard to my finacee visa post)

[valleydude]

... in response to Re: Update....what a malcriada!!!, posted by Red Clay on Dec 18, 2004

No Dude! I totally appreciate the bluntness.

This was a bit weird. She turned everything on to me.
What sucks is that she even turned her own faults on to me.
In the past 2 weeks I just stood back and watched it.

Time to go lick my wounds...

V-Dude

[soltero]

... in response to Update.... (In regard to my finacee visa..., posted by valleydude on Dec 17, 2004

I don't know if the advice and support that you were given here was helpful, but I wish I had known about this forum before I got married. Take comfort in the fact that you found out about your differences before you got married instead of continuing to accept them and driving yourself crazy. Whatever disappointment you are feeling would have been 100 times worse if you had brought her here before coming to this realization. Take your time and keep looking, and I am sure that you will find what you are searching for. My small offering of advice is this: Be selfish in your search. You are looking for someone to fulfill your life, not the other way around. If it works out that her life is fulfilled also, then you have found your partner, but concentrate on what it is that YOU need and let the rest follow.

[slojas1]

... in response to Re: Update.... (In regard to my finacee ..., posted by soltero on Dec 18, 2004

"Be selfish in your search. You are looking for someone to fulfill your life, not the other way around. If it works out that her life is fulfilled also, then you have found your partner, but concentrate on what it is that YOU need and let the rest follow".

This is good advice and I concur wholeheartedly. I have seen too many men give up their pants, balls, headship, etc; to please an undeserving woman. The beauty factor really f's up the thinking ability of many and they put up with shit that they know isn't acceptable. You shouln't be wasting too much time on her at this point. In fact, RUN!!!

[valleydude]

... in response to Re: Re: Update.... (In regard to my fina..., posted by slojas1 on Dec 18, 2004

I am starting to take this a lot more slow.
I have read that before and have been thinking about it the last week; but I admit, I don't understand the whole being selfish about this part? I guess it means, go after what I want and don't sacrfice for anything less?

With the beauty factor, I was kind of lucky. I know I could do a lot better than this her, so that part is making it all easy. On a scale of 1-10, in looks I would probably give her a 5. Mostly because I know some guys out there probably find her attractive. I always dated nice looking shallow girls so a few years back, I decided there was more to it than looks and did the opposite. Now I am going to sort through all of it and find hopefully find a nice happy medium.

V-Dude

[soltero]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Update.... (In regard to my ..., posted by valleydude on Dec 18, 2004

"I always dated nice looking shallow girls so a few years back, I decided there was more to it than looks and did the opposite."

I know what you mean. I did the same thing when I first started this. I have always dated pure "stallions". I wasn't looking for marriage so I didn't see any point being bothered with them if they weren't "10s". I went to CA and married a "5" thinking that she wouldn't be as much of a headache as the high maintenance women I was used to and more willing to work with me on raising a family instead of trying to look good. I really bit it on that one as she was 10 times worse in every way than anyone I had ever been with. Lesson learned. Some of those women would have made great wives, but I wasn't ready at the time. My novia now is gorgeous to me, intelligent, extroverted, fun, and sweet. Take your time, go for what you want and you will find it.

[kented]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Update.... (In regard to my ..., posted by valleydude on Dec 18, 2004

It means you are a much clearer idea of what you are looking for.  My major issues with my wife were whether everything was going to be her way or whether she would compromise on things and do some things my way.  

These aren't uissues you can determine on the first date but they are issues you can discuss and also observe how they play out in practice.  Everything being her way is a major red flag.  

After my failure, my goal was to find someone who I loved so much that I would delight in making her happy and someone who loved me as much as I did her.  Kids, education, employment didn't matter.  And then I needed a relationship based on compromise and working together.

[soltero]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Update.... (In regard to my ..., posted by valleydude on Dec 18, 2004

[This message has been edited by soltero]

Here is the definition of being selfish in this, at least the way that I meant it. Not trying to thump om my chest here, but you eventually get to a point where you have to realize that you are the man in this. Who is it that is taking the initiative to step outside the box in the first place? Who is the one doing the travelling, the soul searching, the courting, and the supporting? I do not want to treat my future wife as anything less than an equal, and in reality, I want to place her on a pedestal as long as it doesn't go to her head. In order to get to that point, I have to realize that it is I who is making all this possible and forget everything I have learned about being humble about it, at least in my own mind while trying to find the person who will compliment ME and MY life. I am not looking south expecting to find someone to take care of me or support me financially. That's ridiculous. I will be doing that for me and her. I need her to support me in the ways that a true partner does and I will return that support one hundred fold. Acknowledge, understand and accept that this is YOUR quest, YOUR journey and YOUR future that you are choosing to share with someone who is deserving of YOU. You know what makes you happy...be selfish. The one who fits with what makes YOU happy is THE ONE. We have been trained to compromise on a level equal to electric shock treatment. Don't compromise there. SA opens up the door to us being able to being MEN in our own houses. Not our wive's husbands. MEN. That is the way the Latina wants it and the way God intended it. Be selfish. Accept only what fits with you and your plans for the future and nothing else. Don't compromise any more. You don't have to there. They don't want you to. Find the one that you don't need to with. I can't get any clearer than that....

[kented]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Update.... (In regard to..., posted by soltero on Dec 18, 2004

...have to compromise.  

I agree entirely with what you're saying.  In most of these relationships the gringo is the professional who is established and living in his own country.  

Today my wife gave away a life of accumulated possessions and placwed all her worldly possessions and those of her daughters in six suitcases.  I can only imagine how difficult this must be for her.  If we hadn't lived together for four months and she knew me well, I can't imagine her doing this (she didnn't life with aprents and everything in her house was hers and needed to be disposed of.  

I have a beautiful wife that is making this enormous sacrifice because she loves me.  I will go the extra mile to make her life easy and comfortable here.

[slojas1]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Update.... (In regard to my ..., posted by valleydude on Dec 18, 2004

Your choosing a '5' reminds me of when I hired a girl that was not very pleasing to look at. Ok, she was damn ugly. I was accused of hiring only very attractive girls and wanted to dispel that notion. To make the story short, she had to be a spawn of satan. I had the worst time ever trying to get rid of her and after that experience, I decided that I will always hire based on my standards and not try to live up to what others were thinking. There are some similarities when selecting a prospective mate.
I appreciate your posts and you seem to be level headed. Do the right thing and move on. Yes, you have to be uncompromising on what you want in this search. If you take your time, you will find the one that meets all of your requirements. Remember, it is a two way street and you have to be 'on top of your game' and have something to offer as well.
Again, hope all ends well and just get back on the saddle.