What does your novia do for you?

[zack]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: A kiss paints a thousand wor..., posted by Kiltboy1 on Jun 21, 2004

Sounds like your EX truly loved you in the beginning. She just didn't realize how difficult the transition would be. Add a bipolar disorder to the picture, and you have a problem that even true love can't always conquer. Do you agree? Hell, I'm just guessing.

I can relate. After my experience with my EX novia, a beautiful AW with a personality disorder, I decided to make a new rule: Only NORMAL ladies from now on. If you realize that she has a mental problem, don't give her meds. Just give her the boot! Save yourself from a lifetime of headaches.

Zack

[Kiltboy1]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: A kiss paints a thousand..., posted by zack on Jun 21, 2004

yes

You are correct Zack, but when i realized she had a problem, we were already married and i had made a committment , so i decided to tru to stick it out. Will not do that again though if i ever marry again. But it is tough it seems to know what is "normal" down there as they all seem to have so many different types of problems. My wife though has a real depression and self esteme problem that comes from what i have come to learn as years of abuse but her father first and then the father of her son. That is why i wish i could have lived in colombia with her first to get to know all of this, but i am a working stiff like the rest of you guys, so i had to go the route i went.

meds would have helped her with her depression for sure but maybe not her devotion to our marriage. who knows, its over now and she will have to fight through it on her own as far as her mental problems

I am trying to book a trip fo next week back to colombia, but all the flight seem to be full , so i will wait to see my new girl(i have 2 in colombia now) in the middle of july .

My wife

DISSMISSED !!!!!!

NEXT !

[zack]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: A kiss paints a thou..., posted by Kiltboy1 on Jun 21, 2004

Kiltboy,

Thanks for sharing your story with us, which I'm sure isn't easy to talk about. To be honest with you, your story makes me feel a little nerveous. My novia definately loves me. I have no reason to believe otherwise. But I am concerned about this transition process, aspecially since I live in a small town. I can imagine her getting lonely not only for her family but also for friendships here. There are very few latinas in this town. When I ask her about this, she tells me that she lived in Bogota for several years (she is from Barranquilla). Bogota is far from her family and she handled it well. But to me, that is not a good comparison. Bogota is a BIG city full of Spanish-speaking people. I don't think she knows what she is getting into.

I guess the best thing to do is to roll the dice and take a chance. Like you said, this is a dangerous game and no matter who we marry, we will always be taking a risk to some degree. As long as we get to know eachother well and not rush into things, what more can we do? If we stay home and don't jump in the water, we definately won't win.

Zack

[Locii]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: A kiss paints a ..., posted by zack on Jun 21, 2004

Pardon me while I go philosphical on this subject...since fish and water metaphors keep coming up, let me try this:

Taking a fish out of its natural habitat and placing it in an apparently similar yet different one normally results in death.  It can be done, but the metabolism of the fish must be able to change.  

When a person's emotional metabolism is required to change to greatly, the same death begins to ocurr (illness and depression).

The upshot is, her normal way of being and normal habits will be forced to adapt, which will be uncomfortable and disorienting.  Being with a a Bogota-expatriot for some time as a girlfriend taught me something about that.  Take for example the relationship a woman has with her mother.  She helped me understand that it is like food to her...its bad anough that it is taken away...but what to replace it with?  Add to that the fact that so many women even have net negative relationships with their mothers; yet its a big part of their  'feeding'.

If it is not replaced, starvation sets in.  My friend is very strong, but I think I understand the difficulty she faced.  She was constantly amazed at the coldness of americans; i took that to mean that she missed the subtleties of the warmer latin socializing.  She is a very intelligent and self-possessed person, but had very little luck finding 'friends'.  She tended to find americans as very transparent people, essentially lacking character.  This should not be construed as judgemental, which she was not.

While they are my words, I almost want to say that she found americans to be devoid of 'intuitive street smarts'; its something she missed a great deal.

I hear a lot of talk about 'does she really love me?'...why not deal with the things that you can actually influence, like  trying to determine the little social things she might be missing?

Ciao

[zack]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: A kiss paint..., posted by Locii on Jun 22, 2004

One would think that a healthy, loving relationship with a man could replace a woman's "feeding" relationship with her mother, at least to some degree, and especially regarding Latinas in their late 20's, early 30's. I would think that they should become a lot more emotionally independent by then.

Regarding the lady who was amazed at the coldness of Americans, I need to ask which cities in America did she visit. The people in New York are a lot colder and unfriendly than Nashville, for example. In any case, I agree with you overall that the little social issues are often overlooked in this process and the results of that can be disastrous.

Zack

[Kiltboy1]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: A kiss paints a ..., posted by zack on Jun 21, 2004

Yeh Zack

As hurt as i am for what she did to me, i am still happy i met her as well. For a short period( 8-9 months) i had never been happier in my entire life. She really showed me i could love someone 100% because before i never had. So, even with all the crap, i know that i can give someone all of my heart again someday when i meet the one woman that i know that will stay by my side no matter what. I am still fishing in Colombians waters even with all of the crap, but i too will take so much more time and get to know my lady well.

The small town issue is one to consider . i live in a city of about 500,000 people and we have a lot of stuff to do, but few taxis , and very few colombians. We have many mexicans, but my wife considered them to be lower class, but then colombians think everybody is lower class then them, so whats the difference, right.

Just keep getting to know your girl and i would not pull any punches. I would tell her you live and a small, sometimes boring town but that is safe and a wonferful place to raise children. Give her the real picture of how life will be there.

Colombians think life in America is soo much different then it actually is. Coming here and trying to ajust to our culture will will be the most difficult thing they will ever do in there life. They need to understand this and be prepared to accept the challenge and stick by you

Good Luck My Friend

[zack]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: A kiss paint..., posted by Kiltboy1 on Jun 22, 2004

At least you can move on knowing that your EX did a lot of good for you and was worth the pain. Now it is time to find a Latina who makes you that happy for the rest of your life. Good luck with your search, and "be careful out there."

Zack

[kented]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: A kiss paints a ..., posted by zack on Jun 21, 2004

The key thing is that she really lov es you so you have that nailed.

The second thing is that you ciommunicate and that she undertsands the challenges she'll face.  Also you need a plan of what her daily activities will be, how you handle money etc.

If you love eacgh other and understand the challenges which await, you'll do fine.

[zack]

... in response to you'll be OK, posted by kented on Jun 22, 2004

We have love and communication nailed pretty well. Now it is a matter of understanding the challenges that await, among a few other things. Thanks for your comments.

[kented]

... in response to What does your novia do for you?, posted by grant5432 on Jun 21, 2004

There are a lot of great answers below.  The fact that you ask the question indicates there might be a problem.  

I think the sincerity and emotion of the affection you receive can be an indicator but I found with my wife, the most important element is communictaion.  I needed to tell her exactly what I wanted and needed from her.  

In Costa Rica it is 60 degrees overnight and my wife is ultrasensitive to everything including cold.  She she sleeps in a sweat suit.  She takes it off when necessary so it doesn't decreace sex, just intimacy.  I want to hug her at night, not her sweat suit.  

I reluctantly accepted her right to make this decision and not have me force her to be cold at night but after several months she lost the sweat suit.  The big deal is you must communicate.  Does she care what you want and need?

[DallasSteve2]

... in response to What does your novia do for you?, posted by grant5432 on Jun 21, 2004

Grant

Some women are more demonstrative than others.  I would generally expect more signs of affection from the less modern, less "liberated" women.  My wife certainly supports that idea being from a poorer, more traditional background and being very affectionate.  And we've been together now for about 2 years and she's still very affectionate

She sometimes gives me gifts: a rose, a card, a perfume.  But what matters to me more are smaller gestures.

I've heard of women that like to wear their man's shirt.  My wife says she puts on my dirty shirt when I go to work so she can feel close to me.  But then theres' this: she was wearing my underwear the other day.  My dirty underwear.  I know it sounds gross, but that's how obsessed she is.

I had an old tank top I was going to throw out.  She said she wanted it.  I said "OK, let me wash it first".  She said "No, I want it to have your smell".

She not only wants photos of me, she taped 3 photos of me to the dashboard of each of our cars.  It embarrassed me a little because other people get in the cars and see them, but things like that make me sure that she loves me.

Steve

[utopiacowboy]

... in response to Re: What does your novia do for you?, posted by DallasSteve2 on Jun 21, 2004

Wow! Great to hear something like this about a guy's wife - so many of the posts on this board are hard-luck stories or complaints. My wife is exactly the same way - I don't ever wonder if she loves me - I know she is as wild about me as I am about her. Let's hope it lasts!

[JSlo]

... in response to Damm! Muy bueno!, posted by utopiacowboy on Jun 22, 2004

May you and your family have the best of love! It is good to see that you two are crazy about each other and there is no doubt about her love. True love is enduring, I think you two will be just fine. All the best.

[utopiacowboy]

... in response to Re: Damm! Muy bueno!, posted by JSlo on Jun 22, 2004

:-)

[Pete E]

... in response to Re: What does your novia do for you?, posted by DallasSteve2 on Jun 21, 2004

Sounds good Stevo -

Pete