No more self-abuse...

[Bear]

... in response to Yep!, posted by Ray on Jun 27, 2001

Mine's gorgeous!!!

Bear

[Ray]

... in response to man I'm in trouble!!!, posted by Bear on Jun 27, 2001

But you said you met her in a chat room? So you're off the hook. You just got lucky (LOL).

It's the guys picking addresses from the web site services that should go for ladies with the "less flattering" pics.

Ray

[Dave H2O]

... in response to Re: man I'm in trouble!!!, posted by Ray on Jun 27, 2001

Ray,

What about me? I met my fiancee through the "Psychic Love Connection Hot Line." Madam Cleo, said I could win a free trip to Florida, so I called. Then I realized I was already in Florida, so I took the bottle of love potion instead. I think it's giving me some sort of purple rash. ;o))

Dave H.

[Carrisse]

... in response to Me too!, posted by Dave H2O on Jun 27, 2001

I swear I could wring her neck.

[Dave H2O]

... in response to Don't you just love Madam Cleo, posted by Carrisse on Jun 28, 2001

Carrisse,

I agree! It seems that Madam Cleo is now calling herself Miss Cleo. I would like to see her turned into a goat instead. I think she lives somewhere near me. I was at PMT's house (Phillip Michael Thomas - Miami Vice) before I knew he had psychic abilities and was involved in the psychic hotline with his girlfriend Dion Warrick. Had I known, I would have asked for my free reading. LOL I guess they need the money.

Dave H.

[SteveG]

... in response to Great advice, however......, posted by Don J on Jun 27, 2001

Don,
 I agree 100% about the purpose of sending Ayesa home.   After reading your advice above, I realized that "threat" was the wrong word to use.   It has the connotations of an attack and that rarely ever gets positive results.  It usually gets the other person defensive and only makes a bad situation worse.   You are right, if Howard is firm about it as an ultimatum but presents going home to her as a chance to be alone and sort out what she truly wants, it at least has a chance to bring her around.   I hope so!
                                        SteveG

[Jeff S]

... in response to No more self-abuse..., posted by Howard on Jun 26, 2001

After reading everyone else's great answers and suggestions, I have to toss in a thought of my own. Several people suggested YOU change, While I think you may be able to keep up the appearance of change for a while, you'll probably slip back to your own personality eventually. If that's gentle and accomodating, like I usually am, then you will probably not be able to maintain it for long. If she does come around when you start acting a certain way, will she revert back when you slip back to your "natural" state? I don't know you guys, and I really don't claim to know what might happen. My gut instinct tells me that you will not be able to stay the tough guy for long. I am able to maintain that appearance for maybe an hour or so before I fold. I have to go along with the send her home crowd. That will certainly force the issue one way or the other. Either she'll realize she loves you and get on with life (it sounds to me like she's trying to hide from it) or realize she made a mistake in hooking up with you and coming to the US and get on with single life back in the RP.

Whatever happens, you have my best wishes for the best possible outcome.

-- Jeff S.

[jim in the pis]

... in response to No more self-abuse..., posted by Howard on Jun 26, 2001

howard,
i hate to write so much, but i guess i dont have anything else to do, its ranny season, and its pouring.
i would be very ver careful about domestic violence.
it seems that looking at your wife with the "wrong kind of look" in some states is enought to get you in jail, her the house, support money etc. maybe stephen can shed lite on how to avoid it. and remember the ins will not make her leave if domestic violence is alleged.
jim in the pi's where domestic violence does not exist.
at least that is what the goverment says

[DanAndChed]

... in response to No more self-abuse..., posted by Howard on Jun 26, 2001

Howard,

Me and Mares are really sad to hear about your situation.  I wish we we're in the states to call and talk to you.  The next chance I get for the internet, maybe we can right a little more.

Hang in there, our thoughts and prayers are with you.

Dan and Mares

[may10]

... in response to No more self-abuse..., posted by Howard on Jun 26, 2001

for you.....*S*

[Bear]

... in response to No more self-abuse..., posted by Howard on Jun 26, 2001

Anger, even righteous anger and divorce are not the answers.  You feeling guilty because you don't know whats wrong is just pride and needs to be put aside.  Talk softly.  Always. Because it disarms those you speak to.  But say what you mean.  And d*mn it, mean what you say too.

The role playing was a good idea if she'll participate.  I think taking her out for a holiday is a good idea but the holiday i'd take her on is one where absolutely no one and no thing will interruppt.  Like camping or hiking, maybe deep sea fishing.

Howard your a great guy.  Just like I was with my first wife and others have posted here about their first mistakes.  No one, even her I bet, is challenging that.  But thats not what she wants and you are either going to have to make her tell you what she wants or you are going to have to take charge and make some assumptions.  Since it appears she is not listening to your requests when you talk then i think latter; you need to take charge.

To take charge doesn't mean be an a**hole.  It means you set the rules and give direction and guide the family in a particular direction.   I know when this is resolved that she will tell you that there was a particular direction she liked in your letters that she does not see you moving towards and guiding her too as well.  Honey has told me many times that she wants me to be a strong man, not a wife beater.  Some one who is going to simplify her life by giving it a direction.  I guess you can say that I told her my dreams and she liked them and climbed aboard for the trip.  Of course she modified them a little and I did too for her, but it was the strength of my conviction and intention that makes her feel secure.

Howard, be a man.  Anger is not being a man.  Begging her to love you is not either.  Its going to hurt a bit because its not the you that you want to be but it is the you she needs.  Its simple.  Turn off the TV and say ya'll need to talk (in northern language not southern -hehehe).  Say your piece, ask her for imput and then like Picard say "Engage".  And stick to it like your married life depends on it.  The next time she'll have some imput.  Lots of thing you have to work on like the MTV, her attitude towards your mother and friends, lack of marrital help, etc.  Don't flinch, smile, cry, gloat, brag, just take "firm charge" and don't even think about backing down.  I think I might even make sure a few decissions went more my way than hers because she had no imput.  Do this for a few weeks and then hit her with the "I'm sending you home" bit.  If she has no imput then "Let it be so".  This will give her respect for you and security in her life or it wil ease your pains the hard way.  Either way it eases your pains.

I know you and I have one other area of disagreement.  Maybe its about time you considered it too.

Bear

[shadow]

... in response to Well..., posted by Bear on Jun 26, 2001

I was afraid you were going to tell him he is being treated this way because he went looking for someone to treat him this way! Good advice, Bear, although I think most of it is repeating the responses he got 2 months ago when he first posted about the problems he was having.

It doesn't appear to me that she is going to change her disposition. Counseling may or may not improve the relationship for a while, but in the long run I believe she has shown her attitude and that it will resurface and repeat itself eventually anyway. On the other hand, if he tries to force her to go to counseling it may very well increase her animosity. Therefore, I don't believe counseling is the answer unless she voluntarily goes, which I don't foresee happening.

Sending her home for a month or two to let her reiterate all that has transpired may be the answer. She can then decide what she wants out of life, whether she wants to try and make it work, or if she would rather stay in the PI as a divorcee. Whatever she decided at that point would probably be in Howard's best interest.

Many of the problems Howard is having, I had last year with Myrna. I guess we all know I failed miserably. In that respect, I suppose I am probably the least qualified to give advice to Howard. Until Ayesa decides she is willing to try to make it work, it will not work. The day that I decided to very quietly "take charge" with Myrna was the very last day we spent together. I never once raised my voice or showed anger. That was the day she decided it was in her best interest to run to the police with a made up story of abuse.

I wish there were some better cut and dried answers to give him. But at this point, the only one who has the answers is Ayesa herself. Only SHE can decide what kind of life she wants, and what she wants to do with it. If she wants to try to make this work, it is her turn to show a little bit of effort.  Just my opinion, your KM may vary.

Larry.

[Stephen]

... in response to Re: Well...Whew! For a minute there.., posted by shadow on Jun 27, 2001

Okay....so Howard is going to have to take charge of the situation.

But perhaps he'd better cover his butt also.

What could happen?  

Here's my beliefs:

First, if he stalls past the two years then she could be here indefinitely and he would have to support her.  He should act promptly.  Having her delay and think this over in the philippines is in Howard's best interest.

Second, she could claim that Howard has committed domestic violence.

What are some preventive and shrewd things H can do in these circumstances?

Stephen

[shadow]

... in response to Re: Re: Well...Whew! For a minute there...., posted by Stephen on Jun 27, 2001

I think it would take a lawyer to come up with something like that!  

I don't know, you raise an interesting point. Unless she is residing in the US, I don't believe the INS would issue her citizenship based on the marriage, especially if Howard is against it.

As long as she is in the PI, it would be very hard for her to claim physical abuse, but we all know the law nowadays is not limited to "physical" abuse. Again, I don't think the INS would be likely to issue citizenship on these grounds if she were in the PI.

IF she were in the PI, and "stalling for time", could not Howard file for divorce on grounds of abandonment? How could she fight it?

I think under the cicumstances the shrewdest thing H could do at this point is send her back to think about it. Yes, it's gonna hurt, but are we not hurting already? Then, IF she decides she wants to come back, it should be on his terms. However, if she decided after returning to take advantage of the situation, he would be no better off than he is now. Is there such a thing as a post-nup???  

No answers, just more confusion.

Larry.

[Bear]

... in response to Shrewed and preventative?, posted by shadow on Jun 27, 2001

but I still think all she wants though is for him to take charge.  If all she wanted was to stay in America I think she would have been more cordial for at least some time.  And I think its going to be harder to earn her respect now.

Bear