Trouble in Havana

[Hamlet]

All,

This is a serious post and I hope I receive serious suggestions.

Although my novia lives far from Havana, I have placed her there in an apartment one month ago while she goes to various government offices in an effort to get all the papers she needs to leave the island.  We are not going the K1 way as we have reason to believe the US will not give a fiance visa to a Cubana.  Rather, we are seeking to find her a visa to another country from which we can do a K1 or K3.  She is a 29 year old medical professional.  I am 47.

When I left her there one month ago, I gave her $1,000, which she was to use for rent, food, internet and the rip-off fees her government charges when a citizen needs things to leave paradise (e.g. a certificate of health is $400-550).

Yesterday she emailed me that she has no money.  I wrote back and asked her to explain how the money was spent, as I calculated she should still have about $650.  

She responded with an accounting (albeit for $935) and several hundred dollars went to family members.  The fact several hundred dollars went to her family is meaningless, as I fully expect to help support them in the future, and in fact I have given out more than $100 cash during my last visit and about $300-400 in gifts.  However, I am upset that she gave away money that we need for her to get out of Cuba, that she gave it away without telling me and that she asked me for more money and didn't offer that she used a good portion of the money for something we did not discuss or agree upon.

One way to view this is that I cannot trust her with money, that she will always favor her family over me (us) by sending them money on the sly.  Furthermore as she cannot handle money judiciously she will hardly be able to help me run my real estate and development business.  I feel that she was dishonest with me and didn't communicate something very important.  Perhaps she is incorrigible.

Another way to look at it is that this woman who has a $15/month salary was overwhelmed with a thousand dollars, overwhelmed by compassion for her family and figures that a few hundred dollars is meaningless for a guy who makes many tens of thousand a year.  Perhaps she can be taught to be responsible with money.

In her defense, she did tell me that she feels bad about this situation and that she needs a man like me to teach her how to deal with money.  But I am confused and I don't know what to do.  If anyone has had similar experiences I would very much like to hear about them and how you handled them.

Hamlet

[Craig]

... in response to Trouble in Havana, posted by Hamlet on Aug 4, 2002

Just understand that since many of these women have no experience in handling money, combined with the Latin attitude of "Live for today" it's no wonder this happened. My novia in Cali does the same thing, when I don't send the reinforcements (US greenbacks) to replace the old troops she must improvise. It's the only way...good luck

[Bob101]

... in response to Trouble in Havana, posted by Hamlet on Aug 4, 2002

It is better you find out now to give her small amounts of money. If someone handed you 20 g's, and it was for your expenses, you wouldn't think 1k here or there would be such a big deal. You are rich in her eyes. Next time, give her limits, send it Western Union, pay the fee, and dole it out slowly!

You will never find someone perfect. Just perfect for you. Not all people who are bad with money are bad people...just bad at managing money. ACT POOR!!!

[Wayne1]

... in response to Trouble in Havana, posted by Hamlet on Aug 4, 2002

I'm just curious how you are planning on getting her into this country...

Short of a raft ride over, I think you are in for a real hassle with our INS.  Taking her to another country and then getting her a K-1.....  I'll believe that when you post that approval.

I'm seriously wondering if you are getting taken for a ride on the bribes for the exit visa.  It's not a good look.

Wayne

[mck]

... in response to Trouble in Havana, posted by Hamlet on Aug 4, 2002

Don't sweat it buddy! You have to understand that she did use the majority of the money on things that she needed to do to get out of the country and she used a few hundred dollars to give to family members. That is not that bad. If you are upset over a few hundred dollars, then maybe these kind of relationships are not for you. Before my novia came to the United States, I helped her out a little bit, but never more then about $100-200 to buy the tourist visa and all the paper work. When your girlfriend gets up here, you are going to have clothing expenses, food expenses, make-up expenses and a variety of things. I would budget for about $5000 for all your expenses for her the first few months. This includes airfare, clothes and all that other stuff. You also have to realize women like to decorate the house a certain way to so they are comfortable. This alone will cost you a few hundred. These relationships are not that expensive as long as you budget fairly well. Now my novia is all settled into my place and I do not have many expenses from her living with me, but it was slightly expensive at first. My advice for you is just to go with it, and don't sweat the small stuff because that is was damages the relationship, just go with the flow and be happy.

[Jeff S]

... in response to Trouble in Havana, posted by Hamlet on Aug 4, 2002

.. being "good" or "bad" with money, it's about responsibility and communication. If she can't handle $1000, how do suppose she'll handle a household, a car, your kids? The money is irrelavent, it's the actions that should concern you most. Teach her? What's to teach? - you have a fixed amount of assets sufficient to acheive a task - do you get it done or not? Just a few thoughts from left field. BTW my wife will stretch a $ whether she has one or a thousand in her pocket.

Jeff

[robbysanjuan]

... in response to Trouble in Havana, posted by Hamlet on Aug 4, 2002

Dude, you are a lawyer? Do the math. Certificado de salud en Cuba no sale $400 - 500. Basically you are big daddy gringo with unlimited $$$$. Did you tell her of your ambitions and haves here in the U.S.A.? You have been taken for a ride and Fidel is $1000.00 dolars richer. Whether you like me or not that is were the money went. Good luck.

[yc]

... in response to Trouble in Havana, posted by Hamlet on Aug 4, 2002

Hi Hamlet,

You requested input from those that have experience this.  I can not actually recall an experience quite like this, but I will give you my input.  I can understand your dilemma(the confusion).  You have reason to be concern.  From some of the reports I have read, finances played a substantial role in the divorces that have occurred in this country.

Here is my advice.  I would not recommend you immediately terminate this relationship.  A redflag has been raised and this is something that needs to be watched closely.  This could be one of those flukes(stupid mistakes) that couples make in their relationship.  Frivolous spending of money is not something to be taken lightly.  If she is truly repentive of her actions THIS SHOULD NOT HAPPEN AGAIN.  Give her a little more rope and see what she does with it.  If she repeats the same mistake, then let her go - Adios.  This step will have to be your decision since it will involve your money.  My point in suggesting that you do this is that you will have the peace of mind of knowing that you made the right decision instead of wondering whether or not your decision was a rash one.  Worst yet you marry her and find out that you really should have dumped her.

Your biggest concern, which I think you was hinting too, is how she could make a major decision that affects the both of you without consulting you?  This is by far the biggest redflag here.  Since you know your situation the best, maybe you should re-evaluate the relationship from the time that the two of you met until now.  Is she a very independent person?  Where do you and the relationship fall in regards to her family?  How much support does she expect to provide her family when you two are married?  How confortable are you all about discussing problems?

People make stupid mistakes, especially in relationships.  Make sure that this was just a stupid mistake... a lack or lapse of sound judgement; that it does not occur on a frequent basis.   Mistakes are usually easy to corrected.  Character flaws on the otherhand is something else altogether.  I hope this helps.

yc

[greg]

... in response to Trouble in Havana, posted by Hamlet on Aug 4, 2002

Don't sound like a Woman that can help You with Your business, only give you Headaches. A Guy should search for MOB that can help make his life better, make him happy. Honesty and Truthfulness should be an important asset in whom He choose. Culture difference and being Poor is unexcusable for dishonesty. She asked you for additional funds, what you think she's going to do with it??? Maybe her Family even told her to ask for it. What you going to do when she starts asking for more money for this and that??? I think it's foolish for a Guy to travel out of America and bring a Woman with AW behavior. Guys should search for something better than what He can find in America, not the same or worst. Personally I wouldn't bring no Woman to America that would always put her family before myself, I rather keep searching until I can find that Woman who can love me more or as much as her own family. I agree with the Others that you should Dump Her. greg

[Pete E]

... in response to Trouble in Havana, posted by Hamlet on Aug 4, 2002

I'll stick up for your girlfriend a little more than others here,but you are the one who needs to figure out what is going on and how this woman really feels about you.
You gave her a large amount of money,more than she needed right away.People probably live more day to day there and really don't think to the future like we do.At this stage of your relationship her family comes before you and that may always be the case.Its her family,a big thing to latinas.They are probably dirt poor and all of a sudden she has more money than she knows what to do with.Compared to them you have all the money in the world.Shes likely to put them ahead of you because she is closer to them and they need the money more than you.
I have been married 2 1/2 years and my wife says she really loves me but I have no doubt if she had to choose between her family and me it would be them.Its a blood relation,people she has known her whole life.They tend to be very close.You are a real newcomer by comparison.
This doesn't neccesarily mean she doesn't love you or is a bad person.You need to figure out how sincere she is about you,but in the meantime I would dole out the money in much smaller amounts with specific instuctions what it is for.
It may not be reasonable to expect a person who never had any money to be responsible with it.
To me its not an automatic dump her thing.Try to understand first,then decide.

Pete

[Rick Johnson]

... in response to Trouble in Havana, posted by Hamlet on Aug 4, 2002

Hamlet: If you care about her don't let some squabble over money torpedo everything. I've had several ex-wifes and girlfriends who weren't good with money. Simply set limits with the cash and remain in control of all money matters until she gets the hang of it. You may never see eye to eye on money matters but she'll learn to compromise if she cares about you and you've given no reason for someone to believe she doesn't. Just remember to set limits much like you would with a child since having money will be so different for her.

Regards,

Rick

[chevy]

... in response to Trouble in Havana, posted by Hamlet on Aug 4, 2002

What you see is what you get. People do not change that much, unless they are forced to. Sounds like she is trying to butter you up by saying she needs a man like you to teach her. This is a red flag.

[Wayne1]

... in response to Trouble in Havana, posted by Hamlet on Aug 4, 2002

Hamlet,

There are very few times in your life when God grants you a very brief, but clear window that gives you a glimpse of your future.  I believe you are experiencing that right now.  Very few people choose to walk to the window and look out, because they are wrapped up in all the other little details of the situation.

Get ready, set, RUN !

Wayne

[Evan]

... in response to Trouble in Havana, posted by Hamlet on Aug 4, 2002

That`s one thing that has always pissed me off. Everyone thinks gringos are rich and have this big money tree growing in the back yard. Everyone from taxi drivers to hotel personal try to rip you off.
If she has no respect for money now chances are she never will. That`s a lot of money to piss away in a months time, not exactly pocket change here either you know. I would not take the chance on her. I would get rid of her and move on. Chalk it up as a good lesson learned and find a honest woman who values money and how hard you work for it. You don`t need a woman like that around. There are plenty of good ones around to make you happy.

[pack]

... in response to Re: Trouble in Havana, posted by Evan on Aug 4, 2002

not a good sign! start looking elsewhere.