Latina Case Study: MH

[John O]

I always appreciate the feedback & opinions I read on this board. I would like your opinion on a few of the Latinas I am (or have been) communicating and/or involved with.

MH is 25, unemployed single mother. Her family fortunes plunged when Dad left Mom, so she wasn't able to finish univ. Nice face, great body. She's outgoing, mature, highly intelligent, interesting, very honest, self-confident to the point (sometimes) of arrogance. Her 6-y.o. daughter is adorable and adores me.

I 1st met MH a year ago in Cali thru Latin Connections. Went out w/her & her daughter several times & enjoyed her company. But there wasn't enough personality chemistry then, so I dated other women as well.

We continued communicating by phone over the next few months, and I visited her during Easter week. I had 2 other Calenas on my list at that time, but soon decided to focus on MH. It was then that we began having a series of disagreements & arguments. One was over her insistence that she maintain a separate bank acct. after beginning to work in the U.S. This got resolved, but her take-no-prisoners style of arguing grated on me. She also said that her career would be just as important as mine, and that she hated a particular sexual practice that I really enjoy.

There were other smaller discords, but we always managed to smooth things over. MH would never apologize, but often expressed her sincere appreciation for me. At the end of the trip, she was alone on my list. This despite the fact that we were never formally "novios" nor even kissed or held hands. (She said she wanted to be sure I was no longer seeing other women.) She herself was ready to commit to me.

Later, despite the 40K pesos I gave her for postage, her promised letters never appeared (the one she sent never arrived). Her emails were short & often infrequent, as she borrowed a friend's computer. Then came a really painful fight over the phone. In response to my revelation of old family problems (infidelity, alcoholism & abuse between my parents) she told me that my parents didn't love each other or me, and that I was a "terrible person" for having acted out against them while I was a teenager.

Well, you know when a non-relative insults your family, regardless of the truth of the statements, them's fightin' words. MH never took back those words, nor ever really acknowledged my own hurt. She justified herself by saying she was only expressing an opinion, and didn't mean to hurt me. Months later, she finally said "lo siento" but only after I expressly requested her to pronounce those words.

I would have let go of this lady months ago, but for some reason (in part, her adorable daughter) she really got under my skin. MH has many great qualities, but she's a bit too independent & insensitive for me. (I'm usually pretty quiet & easygoing, unless challenged or threatened.) Don't know if this "Hard-Headed Woman" would bring out the best or worst in me. If it was going to work out between us, it would take a lot of work, & I feel that I would have to do most of that work.

I decided to move on, but I often miss her & think about her.

[denvermike]

... in response to Latina Case Study: MH, posted by John O on Feb 3, 2002

Hi John,

Your comments about your friend reminded me of something a friend of mine has been dealing with.  He married a girl from Cali, one he met in Denver. He has had any number of problems with this lady but they are still together, but it has not been easy.  One of her aunts visited one time and she liked him. She told him that his wife was one of those "hard" women from Colombia.  It is typical behavior in her family.  The "hard" ladies are anything but the nice sweet latinas we all hope to meet. They are very difficult to deal with on many levels, man you have to really love them to stay married. They have had many issues between them but they also seem to work it out.  I know them both, I'd marry an American woman again before I'd take on one those types.

Your comments continue to emphasize to me that going to Colombia is not worth it.  Beauty is skin deep but nasty and mean goes all the way to the bone.

Just my .02
Died and gone to heaven in Chile
mike

oh yeah, you guys that are following my story here, I met a real nice lady last weekend, this could get serious!

[Bueller]

... in response to Re: Latina Case Study: MH, posted by denvermike on Feb 5, 2002

Ouch. I lived in Denver ten years ago. I can see how a guy could jump at the chance for a pretty caleña there, even if she weren´t the sweetest. Bad memories; you sure are in heaven now.
  A guy I knew there knew I spoke Spanish and told me I should go to Venezuela, where there are tons of beautiful women who are really nice because "they all want to come to the United States!" Well, put that way, I laughed it off because I want/ed to get married for love, not immigration. Times change, though, and I´m better informed and not cynical like that about their motives. Bet you don´t miss Colorado! :-)

[denvermike]

... in response to Re: Re: Latina Case Study: MH, posted by Bueller on Feb 5, 2002


I'm certainly not missing the cold weather now.

Denver has a fairly large Colombian population, and I got to know several friends of my buddy's wife.  I dated an absolute babe from Bogota. We hit it off really well.  She has a very wealthy family, and she was going to school in Denver. But my job brought me to Santiago, and I am very happy here.

I just got back from senorita watching (I mean lunch).  The weather has been perfect this January and February so far. We have several really nice sidewalk cafes close to the office where the view from the street is excellent.  Although right now Santiago is quite empty since nearly half the town is on vacation now. I was hoping to take some time off myself but for some reason my boss wants me to work, such a thought.

Can't wait for the weekend,
take care,
mike

[Jeff S]

... in response to Latina Case Study: MH, posted by John O on Feb 3, 2002

.. are all about compromises, not one partner winning arguments, or one partner just shutting up to keep the peace. I think you've done the right thing - you've gotten a small taste of what the rest of your life will be like and decided it wasn't for you. Don't worry, there are plenty out there who, once they love you, would do anything to avoid intentionally hurting you. I know, I mine would.

- Jeff S.

[David W]

... in response to Latina Case Study: MH, posted by John O on Feb 3, 2002

John:

From my experience, which is scaringly surprising, move on.  You seem to be holding on to the few minutes of good times in the hours of bad or conflicting ones.

I sense you wish to help make it better for her and her daughter and think you can help them live a better life full of love and happiness.  I tried that for two years with a AW who is from Puerto Rico.  I can honestly say that no matter how much love an effort you put into the relationship if they are not willing to do the same, then move on.  You will end up at the point where you will almost regret and resent anything that she says or does for you, if not question her motives at the least.  When you get to this point, it will be a never ending downward spiral that is almost impossible to come back from if BOTH of you are not putting in the same effort.  I stress BOTH of you, if both of you can't be forgiving of each other, compasionate to each others feelings, accept and acknowledge when the other is right, etc....then it will not work.

Now you are probably sitting there as I did over a year ago, thinking "But you guys don't really know her like I do and you haven't met her daughter like I have either.  We have such great times and talks together.  You guys do not know what I am really going through or how I feel."   John, does this sound familiar?  If it does then find someone that will fill the HOURS with love and affection and compasion and etc, and only a few minutes with conflict and soforth. (I do not know of any relationships that do not have at least a tiny bit of conflict, and on those...it makes the making-up even better)

Well, that is my 2.5 cents worth

David W

[Pete E]

... in response to Latina Case Study: MH, posted by John O on Feb 3, 2002

John,
I'm glad this story ended with you are no longer pursuing this lady.She obviously is not right for you.Don't get too attached to the kid untill you know the relationship is going well.Its hard on both of you.
Also,how can you get that far down the line with someone you never kissed or held hands with?Did I understand that right?It sounds like there was no chemistry.
Its always interesting how opinionated some of these women who can hardly manage in life can be.You have way too many issues here.Moving on is the right thing to do.What you need is a good one so you will quit thinking about this problem one.While you were pursuing this lady you may have missed a much better one.

Pete

[Hoda]

... in response to Latina Case Study: MH, posted by John O on Feb 3, 2002


in your heart & mind, that this lady isn't for you. Be careful with your affection towards her daughter. Don't be surprised if she uses her daughter to "play" you. It wouldn't be the first time here, that a guy has gotten "attached" to the good kid of the "wrong" woman. If you want to help the child from time to time, fine. But moving on will save your heart, mind & your pockets.

Good luck...

[Edge]

... in response to Latina Case Study: MH, posted by John O on Feb 3, 2002

John - I would advise that if you were having these kind of problems this early in your relationship, that these are not good signs.  She sounds almost too much like the domestic women here in the US.  

Do not settle for a woman that it is likely you will have problems with in the relationship.  There are going to be problems that come up in all relationships, even the best ones. The challange is to find one you can have that rock solid foundation of love with to ride through when a problem(s) comes up.  If she is not putting out 100% effort, then find someone who will.

Maybe until you can find another woman who will appreciate all you have to offer (100%), you will still think of her.  Once you find someone, you can move on from her.

Take care...

[MarkInTx]

... in response to Latina Case Study: MH, posted by John O on Feb 3, 2002


And if it is like this now... you are very lucky to be moving on.

There is so much there... what to comment on first...

From everything you described, she was positioning from the get-go.  Seems to me that she was not in love... she was negotiating. And she wanted to make sure she had a good deal before she would "sign on the dotted line..."

You are right that it would be a lot of work -- and all of that work will be yours. From what you describe that is the way it already is!

You say that she brought her child with her on her first date?

You know, I'm a single dad. I adore my daughter. But it is a long time before my daughter EVER meets ANY of my dates -- even if they are local. Why involve a child's emotions in a relationship that you don't know about? As a general rule, I think that's a big mistake...

And the fact that she withheld ANY form of affection until after you conceded tells you a lot about her as well... DO you really want someone who will use withholding affection to get what she wants?

I am curious though... you never even kissed or held hands with the woman... but you had frank discussions about sexual techniques and preferences? That seems a little weird to me...

Anyway... I think you are right to move on...

FWIW