Whats more important?

[Bear]

... in response to Re: Re: Whats more important?, posted by Ray on May 11, 2001

my ex ignored me both times.  When i was sick and when I was unemployed or underemployed.

I can still remember the day I found out I was diabetic.  I was near tears.  She glanced at the food requirements and through it back in my lap ans said "thats your problem".  I don't want to eat like this.

When I lost my job she said it was probably something i said or did? (meaning my fault).  I was out of work for 10 months.

While I was out of work she refused to get a job and she would claim that "no woman should work unless her man has two jobs and they need something".  I filed bancruptcy a few months later and she was furious because I lost all her "things".

Yeah I knew then that "love" was just a liberal concept of "have your cake and eat it too" to her.

Honey is so different.  I have to be careful when i tease her because she takes me so seriously and tries to do what I ask.  No questions asked!  I am flabergasted after coming from what I had.

Bear

[Stephen]

... in response to I noticed, posted by Bear on May 11, 2001

.....to be rid of that nag.

I remember several years back I had this lady for a client who had been a former centerfold for some girly magazine.  She was a real bozo.  It was a client that I was told to take by the attorney I owed a favor to. Anyway, I finally told her, "You know, I'll bet your ex-husband gets on his knees each night and thanks God that you're gone.  Helena, you're a world class bit#&"  She just laughed.

Stephen

[Siqiman]

... in response to Whats more important?, posted by Bear on May 10, 2001

Hey Bear,

From my point of view(40 years old getting married for the first time next month)the most important thing to do is to ask the tough questions up front in the courtship... and if and when you do find someone who has an acceptable number of the qualities you are looking for; be committed to the relationship more then you are to yourself. If you both "truly" put your partner and your marriage ahead of yourself(which by the way you are only willing to do when you do find someone who has an acceptable number of the qualities you are looking for and vice versa).

My observation of the marriages(and there are many of them)that don't work is that it is usually because one partner wants something other then what they got. They did not do there homework. They think they can change their partner. HuH!  

That's my theory...Now I have to go make it work.
Good Luck to you dude.

PeterWA

[Jeff S]

... in response to Re: Honesty and Commitment, posted by Siqiman on May 11, 2001

People who think their partner can be changed. This is especially true of many women who think of their husbands as a "project" to whip into shape. After a few years they're on the phone to Dr. Laura whining - her reply is always, "Well, you KNEW that when you married him - so what made you think it would be any different AFTER you were married." True, true true.
-- Jeff S.

[Ray]

... in response to Re: Honesty and Commitment, posted by Siqiman on May 11, 2001

:-)

[madmal]

... in response to Whats more important?, posted by Bear on May 10, 2001

Bear,
As a child and adolescent I always thought that Love was a noun. Something you had. And in some ways I thought to "have love" was enough.
But through some good and bad experiences and many years I have come to see love as a verb. Something you do.

I don't really know if, like your ex-wife, you can 'love' someone yet allow your actions to show the contrary.

My wife Doan very rarely says "I love you". I, on the other hand, probably say it too much. I grew up with a mother who mouthed the words with regularity, but in the end didn't value life enough to stay around for us.

No, love is a verb. Something you show through your actions.
It was Doan who finally taught me that. I had the expectation of being told that she loved me. When this rarely happened I started to wonder why. At first I thought it was cultural. But then I realised that she was "shouting the message" to me through her actions.
In english we only have one word for 'love'. In vietnamese there are many to cover all the different types of love. Even different words for the 'early romantic love' and the 'settled married love'.

How do we put this into practice?  What actions are compatible with love and which aren't. That's not an easy one to answer in a few words.
One can't always be 'lovey-dovey'. Sometimes you have to use the hard words or actions to protect someone (sometimes from themselves). This doesn't look like love, but it is.
On the other hand you can cruise along turning a blind eye to someones actions, not saying a word to retain 'peace'
But this isn't love.

Scott Peck defines love in terms of discipline and spiritual growth:  The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth.
He goes on:
"When we love someone our love becomes demonstrable or real only through our exertion- through the fact that for that someone we take an extra step or walk an extra mile. Love is not effortless. To the contrary it is effortful" M.S.P

That's not a bad definition

Mal

[Jeff S]

... in response to Whats more important?, posted by Bear on May 10, 2001

I think the most important aspect is willingness to do what it takes. A successful marriage is hard work, though a labor of love. My wife and I went through some pretty rough times about 1 1/2 or 2 years after we were married. It was only after we BOTH decided to put in the effort to make sure the marriage would continue to work that it did. As Stephen pointed out below, love is something you do, not something you feel. The more you work at it the better and easier it becomes. Just my limited experience (my first marriage but my wife's second.)
-- Jeff S.