Is this relationship going to work?

[Anonymous]

I have posted here before, but feel foolish enough about this that I'm using a pseudonym.  (My name isn't really Anonymous.)  And this is going to make H2O look like a shrewd judge of the nature of the female psyche.

I started dating a woman in Mexico about 15 months ago.  About 12 months ago, she was having some financial problems, and as a result, I pushed her to take money from me.  She was reluctant, but ended up accepting $1000.  Well, this continued, and instead of her being reluctant to accept the money, I was the one that was reluctant to give.  The total is now $35,000.  This escalated out of control for two reasons.  The first -- we were planning to live together while she attended a semester at a local college.  In order to assure that she would have enough money in a bank account to make the INS happy, I suggested putting $10,000 in her bank account.  She did a little investigation, and, being concerned about fluctuations in the dollar/peso forex rate and wanting to make absolutely sure she would be repaying me what I put in the account, plus interest, decided to open a U.S. dollar account.  The "minimum" that a Mexican bank would accept for a USD account was $15,000, as the account would actually be in the Cayman Islands.  Also, the deposit is for a fixed term of 6 months.  (Although the details are all coming from her, I believe that all the foregoing was true, and that she did actually open the account, with the intent of paying me back.)  The $15,000 transfer occurred around December 15, so the term would be expiring around June 15. (This is important, later).  In February, she said her mom had run up hospital bills and she needed $10,000. (I do know for a fact that her mom has been sick and in the hospital.)  I told her to convert the $15,000 to pesos and pay the bills.  She said the bank would not allow her to do that.  Anyway, I end up sending her the additional $10,000.  After February the relation deteriorated, mainly because I was becoming very concerned about whether we're compatible, and so I stopped calling her after getting a little frustrated with never catching her at home.  This despite the fact that I love her and she loves me.  There was about a 6 week period when we didn't communicate.  Anyway, we spent last week together, trying to reconcile.  She told me that she didn't have any savings, and had run up some credit card debt.  The $15,000 term deposit would have come due on June 15.  At the least, I feel betrayed that she spent the money without telling me she was going to spend it.  I don't know if her behavior is completely unfair, considering we weren't communicating for a 6 week period.  Other considerations:

1.  There's an 18 year age difference
2.  She's very beautiful
3.  Other than the foregoing, I'm not aware of any signifcant deceit on her part.
4.  She wants to change some of my ingrained habits that she views as "ineducaudo", like eating habits, etc., but appears to be laying off in this respect.  We've argued about this a good bit.
5.  She likes to spend money.  I like to save.
6.  She led a somewhat deprived childhood (emotionally and materially), and likes being the center of attention as a result. I'm the opposite, somewhat introverted.  Her family is good and honest.  It's just that her father died when she was young, and her mom had to work really, really hard to support the kids materially, and didn't have much time to support them emotionally as a result.
7.  She's not deprived now.  She makes about $15,000-$20,000/year, which for someone her age in Mexico is reasonably good.  She has a close relationship with her brothers and sisters.
7.  There's a mismatch in affection between us.  She finds it difficult to show affection.  I think part of this is because she hasn't really been in a serious relationship prior to knowing me.
8.  I really feel something special when I'm around her, despite everything else.

So, now, I'm trying to decide whether the pluses exceed the minuses.  At this point, I think she would like to spend several months together to decide whether we can make a go of it long term.  I'm not sure.  Any opinions?

[Jes]

... in response to Is this relationship going to work?, posted by Anonymous on Jul 21, 2001

Just out of curiosity --but is your girlfriend from Monclova, Coahuila Mexico?

Jes

[Jes]

... in response to Just out of curiosity but...., posted by Jes on Jul 24, 2001

forgot to ask if her initials are H. K.

[Anonymous]

... in response to Re: Just out of curiosity but...., posted by Jes on Jul 24, 2001

Nope, Jes, she's not.

[Jes]

... in response to Re: Re: Just out of curiosity but...., posted by Anonymous on Jul 24, 2001

Thanks! It's just that you mentioned about her age relative to yours, beautiful, and that she had been in a bad accident a while back, and also from Mexico. All these struck some similarities of a girl I know.
Good luck on your continued search for love---

Jes

[Anonymous]

... in response to Is this relationship going to work?, posted by Anonymous on Jul 21, 2001

First, thanks for the responses. I got what I was looking for. The question was rhetorical, and I was looking for validation. Believe it or not, business has been good enough the last couple of years that money's not the issue for me, but trust is. Also, I failed to mention she was in a bad automobile accident that put her out of commission for several months, and between that and her mom's poor health, she did have a reason to go through a lot of money. And I was around enough to see this happening around her -- it's not like she was some Colombiana that I'm seeing once a year.   Anyway, there’s a fair bit of hypocrisy here.  Some of you are going to make the same mistakes I did, only after you get married.  Some of you already have, but aren’t honest enough with yourselves to admit it.  People are getting engaged to women they’ve never slept with.  People are spending 3 or 4 weeks face time with a woman, then becoming engaged.   And that's with a poor understanding of her language and culture. Randy G's an exception. One of the more sarcastic, less constructive comments below came from someone who got engaged after he knew his novia for a few days. Then there's someone else, who said "This guy's not worth the depreciation on my keyboard." The same person doesn't seem to recognize he may have problems with a woman who would come up with some cock and bull story about how he saw her photo in her cousin's wallet, and just had to meet her .... and then get the story published in a Colombian newspaper! She may be "living the dream", as he puts it, engaged to a man who's so unbelievably desirable, but I guess she's not entirely honest. Either that or she really is living in a dream world. I'm not that familiar with the agency scene, but suspect there are a lot of men who were taken for a ride by the MOB industry, who ended up a lot worse off than me.

[Houndog]

... in response to Re: Is this relationship going to work?, posted by Anonymous on Jul 23, 2001

Which is the real story??  One story you feel used perhaps...in your next version...you have explanations for every one of her actions...and life is peachy keen. So which is THE REAL STORY ??

Just Curious.

HD

[Anonymous]

... in response to Re: Re: Is this relationship going to wo..., posted by Houndog on Jul 23, 2001

I don't think your statement is correct.  The information I added was that she was out of work for several months as the result of a car accident, and I repeated that her mom was in and out of the hospital.  I didn't have explanations for every one of her actions.  And to answer your question about being used in a round about way, some guy named Robert Ringer wrote a book a long time ago, Winning Through Intimidation.  He said there are three types of people in business.  Type One will tell you he's going to screw you, and then he screws you.  Type Two will set out to screw you, but hide it from you -- do it behind your back.  Type Three doesn't start out intending to screw you, but, when self-interest becomes a factor, will inevitably do it anyway. The girlfriend here is Type Three.  There's a Type Four, which Ringer never describes, but it's someone you can work with and feel that your self-interests coincide so well, that you're comfortable seeing the other person do just as well or even better than yourself.  You don't hide anything, and you end up with a very successful partnership.  So, anyway, in this situation, I think was projecting a Type Four attitude to a Type Three person.

[Houndog]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Is this relationship going t..., posted by Anonymous on Jul 23, 2001

FYI...I'm a Type One.  So I guess I'm not a Hypocrite.

HD

[Anonymous]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Is this relationship goi..., posted by Houndog on Jul 24, 2001

No, what that means is that I don't want to date you, as I'm looking for a Type Four.

[JunFan]

... in response to Re: Is this relationship going to work?, posted by Anonymous on Jul 23, 2001

Anonymous,
Thanks for the insults to my fiance as well as to myself.  Indeed, I was the one that said "This guy's not worth the depreciation on my keyboard."   Did I attack you personally or say anything about your girlfriend?  

It is true that I have opened up myself to personal attacks by putting a web page up with pics from Colombia. Some of it was simply because I wanted to. Is it necessary? No. But this is not new, if you notice I have sections on fishing, hunting, my dog, other travels, my college days, etc. The main reason I did it originally was so that my friends and relatives could see my fiance as well as Colombia. And I think it has helped people get a sense of what to expect in Colombia. Am I proud to be engaged to Beatriz? You bet I am.

One thing I don't do is to post anonymously and hide behind it like you.  You seem to have a very good memory of posts from mos back...that means you are one of the regulars we all know...It's really not so bad not being anonymous, but I'm sure you'll let us know when you are ready....lol.

Mike

[Anonymous]

... in response to Re: Re: Is this relationship going to wo..., posted by JunFan on Jul 23, 2001

You're right.  I vented on you. Mainly because I was mad and your story was one of the few interesting enough to remember after a number of months.  And I'm very likely wrong.  There can be a lot of stigma associated with this whole MOB business, in Colombia as well as the U.S., and it may very well be a good idea to come up with an alternate explanation of how two people met.  And with regard to the anonymity, you might look at it from a different perspective if you felt a little foolish, or if you were airing all the dirty linen about your novia.

[JunFan]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Is this relationship going t..., posted by Anonymous on Jul 23, 2001

I don't have to air out the dirty linen of my novia...it seems there are plenty here who do it for me, and I don't even have to ask them to do it.

lol

[Anonymous]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Is this relationship goi..., posted by JunFan on Jul 23, 2001

What I wrote was uncalled for, and I don't really even believe it.  I could have just as well have said something positive, based on what I know about you and your relationship.  Best of luck, and hope you have a long and happy marriage.

[Pete E]

... in response to Re: Is this relationship going to work?, posted by Anonymous on Jul 23, 2001

Thanks for posting.There is risk in this process.I also think its natural to want to rescue a beautifull woman who seems to be in need.Many of us may have done the same thing.
Many people have judged you and this woman on a little bit of imformation.You really need to be involved in the situation to fully understand.I'm glad to hear you can afford this.I guess the thought did flash through my head of some guy blowing his life savings.(or at least a few years).
And yes,there are probably some other interesting stories that could be told but people may be hesitant seeing how you got roasted.
I still think it beats what most of us had going before.Its alot more interesting than creating a estate to leave to someone else to spend.That would pass the logic test,millions of people think like this and then the kids burn through the money.Going for it and living life  sometimes doesn't seem logical,but its a hell of alot more fun.

Pete