Any advice on Relationships from Recent Posters ??

[Houndog]

Several guys have posted stories on relationships that went wrong for one reason or another. Any helpful advice for newbies about things one would do different next time around ??

Regards, Houndog

[buzzy]

... in response to Any advice on Relationships from Recent ..., posted by Houndog on Jun 20, 2001

Watch out for "red flags."  Then ask friends, family, experts, and the lady for understanding about these concerns.  Stay out of the sack~!  Stay out of the sack~!  Because once you immerse yourself in this euphoric delight your ability to think, to rationalize, to discern will vanish like Krispy Kreme donuts at breakfast time.  Think with your big head.

[Bob]

... in response to Any advice on Relationships from Recent ..., posted by Houndog on Jun 20, 2001

Hi

In a nutshell my story is simple.  It started approximately 11 months ago when I obtain several addresses from an on-line agency and preceded to correspond with same.  After about a month I pretty well selected one woman and we started communicating via phone.  I called her every evening and we would chat for about 30 minutes.   We seemed to click and we both seemed to share interests.  We decided to meet and I traveled to Medellin in Oct. of last year.  I spent 7 days there and we seemed to hit it off very well.  She was well educated and by Colombian standards had a good job w/much better than average pay.  Let’s just say she was a career woman.  This was fine with me because usually dated career type women.

We decided to keep communicating and became, at least in my opinion, very close.  I returned to Medellin in late Feb. of this year to spend time with her.  After the second day I popped the question.  She seemed genuinely excited and accepted my proposal.  I had brought an engagement ring with me because I was pretty sure how things were going to turn out.  I also had the some of the visa paper work with me and we complete the forms prior to my departure.  At the time she seemed very excited and genuinely happy.

Upon my return I immediately filed with the INS and commenced to start tearing the house apart from the inside out.  Her colors and décor, etc.    About three weeks into this I noticed a small change in her attitude.  It was subtle, but noticeable to me.  When I would as her simple questions
about certain things she did not responded with any interest.  The calls started to become one-sided.  Over the next month or two she stopped all Emails.  She stated that it was too difficult for her to find time from work to go to the shopping center to write.   Knew she worked very hard at her job, usually 7 days a week.  So, this did not bother me too much because I called her ever night.

She received the visa package about 10 days ago.  When I called her that evening she commented that she receive the package.  Her attitude was that the paperwork and documentation was very difficult.  She did not know how she was going to find the time to complete the doc package and go to Bogota.  Seeing that Bogota was her home town and her family lived there, I found this rather difficult to digest.  Especially since our communications over the past two months had been deteriorating.  This is where she said maybe she could take two or three weeks of vacation from work.  Needless to say I commented about the vacation scenario.   I reminded her that this was not a vacation.  To make a long story short, this was the climax to an affair that had been degrading for two months.  It was obvious she did not want to come with the intentions of marriage.  I told her to save her vacation for the beach.  Bye!!!

There are a lot of small, but important details, I have left out of this story.  Here family was to never know that our meeting was through an agency.  This was one of here primary concerns.  

Anyway, what would I do differently if I had to do it all over again?  Well, I would never go the correspondence route again.  You limit yourself to quickly.  It is very easy to become infatuated with just corresponding.  I firmly believe now that I would find several good reputable agency’s, if they exist, and start communicating with them regularly.  I would let them know exactly what I was looking for and ask them to start profiling for me.  When I was satisfied with the pre-planning I would select the agency or agency’s and plan at least two weeks visitation.  I would think that it would involve at least to or three more trips to see your lady before taking it to the next level.

My thoughts.  I do not know if I will go through this process again.  I belive HD made a comment to me several days ago about sorting, so to speak.  I must agree.  Set your bar high and take your time.    

Bob

[jediknight]

... in response to Re: Any advice on Relationships from Rec..., posted by Bob on Jun 20, 2001

bob, sorry to read that things have changed between you and your colombiana. I can only imagine how sad and disappointed you must feel getting to the point of thinking of a future with her, proposing and starting visa paperwork only to have her change her attitude about the whole deal. On the bright side, you're fortunate that you were able to spot the problems and catch this relatively early on. Some guys don't find out until much later and after having spent a lot of time and money. You would be helping alot of us if you would you elaborate on the "small, but important details" to help spot some of the warning signs. You mentioned that she didn't want her family to know about how you met, could you tell us more about this?
When you met her family, what did you or she tell them about how you knew each other.
Did she say that her family wouldn't understand or look unfavorably upon the agency introduction or be upset that she was even in an agency?
How was her relationship with her parents/family and how was your relationship with them.
any other insight would be appreciated
steve

[DallasSteve]

... in response to small, but impotant details......, posted by jediknight on Jun 21, 2001

Steve

Your question was not directed at me, but I had an experience that relates.  My Colombian wife told me when we first met that she does not want her family and friends to know that she was a member of an "agency".  She told me that many people in Colombia have negative feelings about the agencies.  I think we can guess why.

The men are going to be unhappy about the agencies because those nasty gringos (you and I) are taking away some of the most beautiful, young Colombian women available.  Many of the women are probably jealous because they are either married or not attractive enough to leave Colombia to live with a financially secure (and oftentimes faithful) man.

For me, I think the agencies are your best bet.  If you meet a woman in the agency she is probably a woman who strongly wants to live in the USA.  And no matter how much she wants it, it will be a difficult change because she will be separated from her family and friends.  Imagine her chances of happiness here if it was not a dream of hers to live in the USA, as it was for my wife.

Steve

[JUAN]

... in response to Colombians' opinion of agencies, posted by DallasSteve on Jun 21, 2001

Much like most AW's view of men that choose to find a mate this way (desperate losers that can't get a woman in his home country, socially inept), in Colombia the women that go to the agencies are viewed in much the same way or are viewed as gold diggers (as I've been told by Colombians I have talked to here) some of who have recently arrived in this country.

As for Colombian men, some I've talked to on this subject could care less but others don't like it one bit, they view the guys going down there as taking advantage of the economic and political situation in Colombia to take advantage of "their" women or they think most of the guys that go down there do so to go whoring around.

That's just what I've been told about the "perceptions"  a good # of Colombians have on this.

[Pete E]

... in response to Colombians' opinion of agencies, posted by DallasSteve on Jun 21, 2001

My wife didn't tell her family she joined an agency untill she met me.Now several friends and relatives have joined.Most marriages to Americans are vieved as a big success by the family.

Pete

[jediknight]

... in response to Colombians' opinion of agencies, posted by DallasSteve on Jun 21, 2001

thanks for the info Steve, I have a few questions if you don't mind.
Before or after you were married, were your wifes family ever made aware of how you met? if so, what were their reactions? if not, are there any plans to tell them?
what about your family, did you ever tell them about how you met your wife? I know that being in an agency has a negative stigma attached to it, especially for many of the colombianas fathers, they may be very conservative, likewise there maybe families here that wouldn't want their sons looking for a wife in this manner. Through speaking to many colombianas, I get the impression that the mothers are more open to their daughters meeting people through an agency, and are more likely to support this than the fathers.can you tell us a bit about your experience. thanks
steve

[DallasSteve]

... in response to Re: Colombians' opinion of agencies, posted by jediknight on Jun 21, 2001

Steve

My situation is not typical, and not necessarily recommended.  First you should know that I am 44 years old.  When I met my wife I was 42.  She was 21.  A very large age difference, but I didn't hold that against her.  ;-)

She will probably never tell her parents that she was in an agency.  I don't care.  I think that her brothers and sisters know.  My family knows.  I don't care if my family knows.  If I was 30 I probably would have felt some undeserved shame about using an agency, but at this point in my life I'm very happy with who I am, and other people's opinion of me is not important to me.  Only my wife's and God's.

Furthermore, due to the age difference, and the foreign aspect of the marriage, she has not told her parents that we are married.  I can hear the keyboards clicking away as many of the readers will now write to tell me that is a very bad sign.  OK, if you haven't seen me write this before, "My wife is awesome!  If she leaves tomorrow, it was 16 months of heaven on earth and I got much more than I paid for."

She has told her parents that we are engaged.  She has not told them that we are living together.  Her brothers and sisters know that we are married.  I told her last week that when she goes back to Colombia in December I would like to meet her parents and I presume they will learn that we are married then.  She said that probably I will just meet her mother. They live in a small town and they would need to come to Bogota.  I would not risk the roads in Colombia, as you surely know.  I would read into that that her father would not be so accepting of the marriage.

To me the important point about her comment that I would probably only meet her mother is that says to me that she expects to still be married to me in December.  Nothing would make me happier.

Steve

[Bob]

... in response to small, but impotant details......, posted by jediknight on Jun 21, 2001

One other thing I would like to share.  The last email I received from her was April 24.  She said she could not take the time off from work to go the shopping center to write.  Prior to this time we were corresponding just about everday as well as the telephone calls nightly.  I stopped sending  any emails about the begining of June.  Since they were going unread anyway.  Appearently after our last telephone conversation on Thursday a week ago she went to the center and sent this email.  You have to read into this.  It is like I am to the one who was not writing.  This was a little gamesmenship on her part.  You will notice it is rather cold and detached.

Hola  
 
al parecer a ti se te olvido escribir, hace mucho tiempo que no recibo un mensaje tuyo  
 
chao

Hello  
 
apparently you forget to write, I have not received your message for a long time  
 
chao

This email, oneway conversations over the past two months, here complaining about finding the time to complete the visa doc process and her stating that she could on take two to three weeks vacation from work lead to my decison.  I believe she was pushing me into a corner intentionally.  So I decided no more!

She has not written this week to comment.  I am sure she went to the shopping center to see if I had written since I have not called her since last Thursday.

With her mind-set she probaby read the letter, shrugged her shoulders, and went back to work.

[Bob]

... in response to small, but impotant details......, posted by jediknight on Jun 21, 2001

Steve,

You mentioned that she didn't want her family to know about how you met, could you tell us more about this?

I believe she was just plain embarrassed.  Her family was to never know how we met.  She made-up a elaborate story that she told them, something to the affect that I was in Medellin on business and were introduced by a mutual friend.  During the 11-month period she only traveled home twice.  Each time she went home she want to make sure I called her at her parents.  I believe this part of her plan was to insure her family new I was real.  They spoke no English so there as never any interaction.

When you met her family, what did you or she tell them about how you knew each other.

I never had the opportunity to meet her family in Bogota.  The two times I traveled to Columbia I went to Medellin.  This girl is a workaholic.  She hadn’t had vacation in five years.  She works 15 hours a day, Saturday’s and Sunday’s.  The two times she traveled home was on a long holiday weekend.

Did she say that her family wouldn't understand or look unfavorably upon the agency introduction or be upset that she was even in an agency?

Yes.

How was her relationship with her parents/family and how was your relationship with them.
any other insight would be appreciated

She had a good relationship with her family.  Her father was unemployed do to an injury to this foot.  She was sending them about $250 for support.  She had two sisters and a brother that still lived close to her parent’s.  One sister was handicapped and wheel chair bound due to head injury as a child.  Totally depended on her parents.

We are not pups.  She is 42 and I’m 53.  Her personality is rather clinical and she is pretty headstrong.  I guess she had to be in her profession.  She was pulling about $1,100 a month.  And as you well know that is well above the average for a woman.  She had no friends.  Her work dominated everything.  She would go to work at 7:00am and return to her apartment at 10:30pm.  Sometimes at the end of the month during her closing she would not even go home.  She never asked for money, but I gave her about $500 to defray any expense after my last trip.  The ring ran about $3,500.  It could have been much worse.

Bob

[jediknight]

... in response to small, but impotant details......, posted by jediknight on Jun 21, 2001

nt

[H2-Oh]

... in response to Any advice on Relationships from Recent ..., posted by Houndog on Jun 20, 2001

Good question HD. I would have a few things I would look into.I would want to meet her family and see how she was raised. Get to know her mother and father and the grandparents. Spent time with her!! Go to see her as often as you can, take your time. The only reason I was able to find out some negative things about my last chica was that I spent alot of time with her. Don't buy her anything. If she wants to be with you, it will be because she wants you, not your money.Gold diggers will go away quickly. Pay attention to the little things when your with her. Does she tell little lies.
I'm sure other guys have more to add to this. My 2 cents.

H2-Oh

[Throw]

... in response to Re: Any advice on Relationships from Rec..., posted by H2-Oh on Jun 20, 2001

How,

I agree with you whole heartedly.  By doing those things you mentioned you can pretty much asses what she is all about.  As for the little lies.  Well we all tell little lies.  Please keep in mind that for the most part we are dealing with younger girls who are not fully mature (except for the body).  You have know that when you go to the beach you are going to get some sand in your shoes.  If you have a good chick you can easily wash off the sand and not go to that beach anymore.  If the little lies continue then you move on.  It is tough to find that right balance of beauty, maturity, honesty and totally unbridled love.  

[H2-Oh]

... in response to Re: Re: Any advice on Relationships from..., posted by Throw on Jun 21, 2001

I would agree with you. I look at finding the right chica for me as searching for her as hidden treasure. You must put in the work and dig. I may not find her but I have to put in the time and effort to reap the reward.I think little lies if continually told can become a pattern and result in larger and more complicated lies. Food for thought.

H2-Oh