Reflection and Actions

[Howard]

Guys and Gals :c)

I would like to take the time to thank everyone for there concern, support and advice.  I
appreciate the input from everyone!  

Most of you simply confirmed what I had already suspected, that I am pushing my wife
away by not trying to hang on too tightly.  This will be no easy chore for me to change,
but, as always, I have the complete support of my family and friends :c)  Of course, that
includes all of you here :c)  In appreciation, I promise frequent updates of our progress
and that I will do eveything in my power to not receed from you again.  I can’t tell you
what a relief it’s been just to get this off my chest!  That alone has renewed my
determination to make a better effort to satisfy my wife’s needs and expectations.  In just
nine months I have realized that when I am in a decent frame of mind, but my wife suffers,
I am miserable.  But, when she’s happy and I have had a bad day, her happiness makes all
of my frustrations disappear.  Aaaaaaaah, what the love of a good woman can do!  LOL!

Here is my plan, which will be a work in progress :c), for all to discuss.  Please let me know
what you think.  I have taken in all of the advice you have all so graciously offered,
compared it to what was already going on in my head, digested everything, prayed a bit
and have now formed a plan of action.

It goes something like:

1st, improve communication.  Even when she is Tampo, I now realize that inside she
wants me to try and break through.  I will no longer retreat like a child when I am met
with indifference.  I will not be forceful, but I will be more persistant and do everything in
my power to remain as patient as humanly possible.  I know that progress might be slow
at first, but feel that in this one area alone, lies the key to our longevity as a couple.

2nd, make some demands.  I don’t intend to ‘demand’ anything, but I can’t continue to
expect my wife to figure out what I need in order to feel loved.  I base most of my
decisions on past expiriences and she has none to draw on in the case of satifying a
husband.  I will take her mother’s and all of your advice and set some ground rules for our
every day life.  I am still not comfortable with the idea, but the alternatives are less
desirable :c)

3rd, meet her friends.  I am not as worried as some that she has Filipino friends.  Her
closest companions are my mother and her father’s cousin, who lives only a few miles
from us.  I have met Lolita, whom she calls “Auntie” and feel absolutely no threat from
her.  I guess I am lucky in the regard that she is family and I well know her family’s
wishes.  She has another friend or two, which have been introduced to her by Lolita, that I
plan on meeting as well, but it’s more about taking a greater interest in the things she
does, rather than a precaution.

4th, give her some financial responsibilities.  Up until now I have been making very few
financial demands on her.  She has been allowed to save her money in a seperate bank
account that I have no access to and to spend it on whatever she deems a necessity.  Yes,
she makes significantly less than I do, but with the mortgage, car payment, utiliies, credit
cards--still with balances from our wedding--she’s living on about five times the
disposable income I enjoy.  If nothing else, it’s just not fair.  My plan is to give her the
phone bill, which is about $80 a month + whatever she adds in long distance and have her
buy the groceries for our household.  This will help me pay things off faster and give her
insight into how things work here.  I have thought about it for a while and feel that the
share I am asking from her is more than fair.

5th, quality time.  Even though I have suggested a million times that we go out to dinner,
to a movie, a friend’s house, etc... and am met with;  ‘No, you go, I am tired’ I am not
going to stop asking.  I am also going to occaisionally make plans for the two of us and
just tell her that we are going.  If she would rather grocery shop with my mother, that’s
fine with me, but it’s high time we started doing things as a couple and not only what I
want to do.  I hear the Backstreet Boys are coming to the CoPa this summer (Comerica
Park)   Maybe, with the help of the Almighty, I can find away to stomach their rape of
America’s youth and, in the interest of my wife’s happiness over my own, take her.  You
guys have no IDEA what a sacrifice that would be on my part!  They exemplify everything
that is wrong with not only the music industry, but with American teenagers as well.
When judgement day comes, they will definitely be representing the OTHER side!
Grrrrrrrr...  Enough said :c)

If all of this seems to get us nowhere I will seek couciling.  We have a large Filipina
community here in Detroit and I will find a Filipino Pastor to coucil us.  My thought is that
if I go to my family Pastor or a marriage specialist, they will undoubtedly be American.
She could assume that they are taking my side, simply because I am an American.  I think
that if a Filipino, preferrably a female, gives us advice that she would be more willing to
listen.  And a Filipino would give me better insight into my wife’s line of thought.

Well that’s my plan :c)  Please give me your feed back and thank you all so much for your
support!  I know what I have to do and I can do it with a clear conscience.  This marriage
is the most important thing in my life and I will do anything to make it work!

Thanks for listening :c)

H

[Ray]

... in response to Reflection and Actions, posted by Howard on Apr 2, 2001

No, I was just kidding. Seriously, I think you’re on the right track. I just have a few comments.

1. I don’t understand this financial arrangement you have. She has her own money in her own bank account that you have no access to? Why aren’t you on the account? Does she trust you? Is she on your accounts? Do you trust her? This arrangement might work for you but if it does, you’ll definitely be the exception from what I’ve seen. These situations where money is divided into his and hers can cause serious problems in a marriage down the road. Some day you’ll be discussing financial matters and she’ll say “but that’s MY money, I earned it”. And you’ll say “then you should pay for rent and utilities”. And she’ll say “if I have to pay for rent, then you have to pay me for cooking, cleaning, and doing your laundry”. You get the picture?

My advice would be for both of you to put All of your earnings into one Family account, where you both have access. All earnings and expenditures are shared as a Team. You both sit down together and work on a monthly family budget. You can both have an allowance for discretionary spending as you see fit and any “major” expenditures over “x” dollars must be approved by both of you. The details aren’t as important as the idea that you two are a team and you’re working together, not going your separate ways on financial issues.

Once she gets used to the idea that whatever she earns is Hers, then there won’t be any turning back. Before you accept this arrangement as permanent, please give some careful thought as to whether you really want to live this way for the rest of your lives together.

2. Don’t shrug this counseling thing off and ass-u-me that you can solve the communication problems by yourself. You sure sounded to me like you need professional assistance in this. At the very least, start looking for someone who can meet your counseling needs and make some tentative arrangements in advance. And I wouldn’t be so concerned about the ethnic background or sex of the counselor. Just find a darned good one that knows what they are doing. And don’t assume that she’ll automatically reject the advice of an “American” counselor or think he or she is taking your side. The whole idea is to get some assistance in getting the communications started. The counselor doesn’t need to know the details of all the cultural differences. Those you can work on together After you start talking to eachother about your true feelings.

3. What’s this class you’re taking at night?? Is it That important? Can it wait until after you get your marriage back on track? I didn’t see anything in your post about quitting the class so you can spend evenings with your wife…

Howard, I only tried to give you a few things to think about, based on my own experiences. I admire you for coming here and having the courage to talk about these things and I hope your plan works and things start improving. Hang in there guy!

Ray

[Jeff S]

... in response to Howard, your plan sux!, posted by Ray on Apr 3, 2001

Early in my marriage we had separate accounts with a yours mine and ours arrangement and it was terrible - things ended up in arguments and neither thought it was fair. Now, other than some pocket change I keep for gas and lunches, we both put everything into joint accounts (checking savings, and investmenents) that she manages but I also have access to. My wife is more frugal than I, but we discuss any expenditures of more than $50 or so. Co-mingling funds addes to the "teamwork" aspect of marriage IMHO.
-- Jeff S.

[Carrisse]

... in response to Howard, your plan sux!, posted by Ray on Apr 3, 2001

Good advice Ray.

[Siqiman]

... in response to Reflection and Actions, posted by Howard on Apr 2, 2001

Hi Howard,

I've been following your situation and I want you to know how much I feel for you and respect your courage to face this matter in a constuctive, positive manner. I think you have a wonderful plan and for what it is worth I have two suggestions. Not to be presume you haven't already considered these but just as a reminder....

1)A marriage should be about one thing first and foremost and that is the life you make "together". This involves absolute commitment on both husband and wife's part to prioritize marriage and family over self.

2) I'd suggest you postpone school until later in your marriage. Whatever benefit is obtained in that class is outweighed by the risk it puts on your relationship. If that can't be done...at least take the class together.

Just a couple suggestions. Best wishes to you both. I would hope that you have agreed in advance that failure is not an option. Total Commitment is the Road to Take!

PeterWA

[Dingo]

... in response to Reflection and Actions, posted by Howard on Apr 2, 2001

Howard The Back Street Boys are Evil?
Just wondering what you think of Eminem?
Boy (and girl) bands are hugely popular in the PI.

[Carrisse]

... in response to Boy Bands, posted by Dingo on Apr 3, 2001

That's Britney and Christina for ya.  Britney can't sing but she sure knows how to strip.  What a fine role model for a little girl.  Christina can outsing and outstrip Britney. And they claim to be virgins and moral.  I shudder at the thought when these two lose their V.

[Howard]

... in response to Boy Bands, posted by Dingo on Apr 3, 2001

The Backstreet Boys are evil becuase they target such a young audience and place such a high price tag on their merchandise, performances, memerobilia, etc...  They blantantly target little girls knowing that in this day and age parents will submit rather than preach the value of a buck.  Ayesa got to go to see BSB at the Pontiac Silverdome in Februrary.  We have premium concert venues here in the Detroit Area, yet they chose to play the largest arena just to packe 'em in like cattle.  The Silverdome holds 100,000 people.  The acoustics suck.  And from most othe seats all you see is little dots with penciled in goatees.  To sit in third tier the tickest were $60.00, before service charges, and they had obstructed view!  Parking cost $10.00 and the one tee-shirt that she could afford was $50.00.  I could have gotten that tee-shirt for $8, my cost, in small quantity!  The were formed by someone only concerned with marketing and are way more about how cute they are than how talented, which I will admit they are.  At least they can sing.  Their material is written for them by a team of songwriters.  Their concert lasted less than an hour and the warm up bands were completely unknown, meaning they didn't get paid squat!  When Prince, or an artist that will put on a show worthy of that kind of price tag play here, he does 5 nights at a 20,000 seat arena that is designed to sound good, rather than just a place to fit the most possible bodies so that he can do the same thing in an arena somewhere else two nights later.  BTW Prince, with more than ten full length albums under his belt only costs $40.00 to see, but he plays a two hour set!  If the Backstreet Boys were forced to play two hours the price would be $120.00 per ticket!

I have been in the music business for twenty years and am someone who appreciate the effort of the fans.  If they are willing to pay, I feel it's the job of the artist to look out for their best interest, not to find ways to make more by doing less.  I know I'm an idealist, but what the Backstreet Boys are offends me.

Eminem?  Heck, he's from the hardened streets of Rochester Hills, MI (An extremely upper middle class area :c)  He's just preachin' the oppression of his peeps.  We have no idea what it's like to be young and black :c)  Seriously, Eminem?  He's harmless.  He'll probably self-destruct and we'll never hear from him again :c)  Besides at least he acts like  the parody he is :c)  I think his songs area riot.  At least they entertain me :c)  LOL!

[Pete]

... in response to Bands created by the Devil, posted by Howard on Apr 3, 2001

Also having been in the biz awhile, boy bands lik bsb, are nothing but marketing, money making tools....trained monkeys if you will. The big entrepreneur/owner will hold auditions...find the boys that can dance, have "the look" (whatever that is...personally, I think they all look bakla...ever want to tease a 12 year old girl? Tell them their favorite member of their fav boy band is bakla)...and can marginally sing. Pro songwriters/producers are commissioned to write the atypical "I dont wanna see you go...I just have to let you know...your love is like pure driven snow...I'll never let you gooooooooo!!!" type of lyrics...sugar sweet.

They probably charge so much for all the merchandising, because the bands are so disposable and have a shelf-life of only a few years...gotta rake it in while they can.

It's funny, mtv had a show on called "makin the band" which was one of these real-life type of shows....basically it was the guy that put together n-sync puttin together a new boy band called O-town...it documented the process....was a total joke. Whatever happened to the days when it used to be four guys getting together, writing tunes, rehearsing at nights, loading up the van and playing all those late night gigs...you can't even credit boy bands because there's just no originality to them.

[Dave H]

... in response to Re: Bands created by the Devil, posted by Pete on Apr 3, 2001

Hey Pete,

Do you want to start a boy band? You have written the lyrics to a #1 song. ;o)) I saw that "O-town" show. LOL
How about the group 2-Gether, from the TV series? They are as good as any I have seen. I can relate to the middle aged fat guy (Chris Farley's brother) in the band. ;o)) Hmmm...maybe they can work me into the Backstreet Boys lineup.

When I went to the Philippines, I wanted to bring some of the CDs that were popular there. I put on dark sunglasses and a cap, before I entered a local music store. 48o)I rapidly plucked up some of the CDs of the bubble gum boy bands and virgin teen strippers. They were conveniently placed by the checkout, on a rack. I got in and out before I was recognized. ;o)

The Spice Girls...now that was a pop band. Did anyone ever listen to their songs? 8-P

Dave H.

[Pete]

... in response to Greed N' Lust, posted by Dave H on Apr 3, 2001

Hahaha...well, for me...I've been playing guitar for about 20 years so there's one side of me that's all about real straight up rock and roll (thanks to my brothers to turning me on to every style underneath the sun)and skate/surf punk. On the other hand, I went to school for audio engineering and am a total tweaker so I LOVE programming really abrasive electronica. I have a small project studio here in the apartment...some days I'm writing power pop punk...other days I'm writing dance music.

Now to the point, I can respect typical pop music if there's some thought put into it, y'know? Or if I see a really developed production. Madonna's last couple of albums were VERY well-crafted, with William Orbit and Mirwais doing production on it. It shows you that experimental ideas can still make it in the commercial world without selling out. The boy bands are just a formula that works, unfortunately. There have always been bands like that for every generation.

When I'm in the PI, my fiancee loves to tease me about how much I LOVE all the bsb, nysync, brittneys, etc. I usually end up getting her laughing doing an impression of one of the bands and dancing around like I'm onstage...hahaha. She knows I'm a "headbanGAR" as she calls it. Hey, at least I got her into the first Police cd...So Looonely...soooo Lonely...

[Dave H]

... in response to Re: Greed N' Lust, posted by Pete on Apr 3, 2001

Hi Pete,

"Called you so many times today. I guess it's all true what your girlfriends say. You don't ever want to see me again. Your brothers gonna kill me and he's 6 foot 10." The Police LOL

I met a boy band named Menudo once. They were a group of quiet, well mannered, somewhat effeminate acting young teens. I was amazed at how the girls reponded to them. So much for my bad boy theory. One member grew up to become the very popular...Ricky Martin.

My fiancee is mainly a rocker like me. :oD She is mostly familiar with the late 80's and 90's. I will expose her to the music of the 60's and 70's. I will definately leave out "Disco."

Dave "Disco Sucks" H.

[Pete]

... in response to Rock N' Roll, posted by Dave H on Apr 3, 2001

But ya gotta give props to the live funk bands of the 70's...parliament, meters, average white band, earth wind and fire, etc....heh...good Police quote..."Can't stand looosin youuuu!"

I burn custom cd's once in awhile for my fiancee and the last one I made was more on the hard rock side and less on the radio pop side....though I did include Lisa Loeb's "Stay." It was funny. When I was in the PI in Feb, I was cookin my homemade spaghetti sauce for her mom's b-day celebration and my fiancee popped in the cd...felt funny listening to things like Fishbone and Face to Face cranking out of their stereo...was even funnier catching her Dad whistling along to Led Zep's "Rain Song"...hahaha I just automatically have flashbacks of my parents yelling at me to "turn it down!!" when I was having jimmy Page moments learning guitar as a kid

[Dave H]

... in response to Ok..no disco, posted by Pete on Apr 3, 2001

Hi Pete,

Agreed! Funk kept the 70's interesting.

I just started burning my fiancee some CDs. I haven't got around to my favorite 70's Southern rock yet.

Dave H.

[pete]

... in response to Respect to Funk, posted by Dave H on Apr 3, 2001

If yer gonna send her some skynyrd...give her "Gimmie 3 Steps" or "Whats your name?"..heh