Update: Need advice

[John LV]

It's Sunday morning for me at 6:15, last night Natasha came by the apartment, she offered a proposition to me.

She said that she wants to get her car back, the 2002 Mitsubishi Eclipse I had bought for her. If I will give her car back, she will move back into the apartment, she will pay half the rent, she will pay for the car, she will pay for the insurance, and she will help to pay off some of our bills we have. But we must live together as roomates, her in one room and me in another, and I must let her have her own life, where she is free to go out with other guys.

I have to admit, being the fool that I am, I almost considered it, but now I need to hear what some of you more experienced guys would say about this?

Please tell me what I need to do is pack my stuff, go get another apartment on Monday, have movers move my things into a new apartment, and let my credit go bad with all the bills.

Is that what I should do? To be honest, I'm just not sure what I should do here, and I need a little advice. If I try to stay here at this apartment, all of her books and many of her things are still here, even if I can get them out of here, she may still keep coming around, especially if she falls on her face which will probably be the case and come crawling back to me a month or two from now.

Should I just pack my things and move out immediately?

Thanks in advance,

David

[thesearch]

... in response to Update: Need advice, posted by John LV on Dec 1, 2002

DavidSD,

Welcome back. You would have remembered me as Greg or Greg123 back then. You might remember me because I was about your only supporter back then, even though I did agree with many that some of your comments were kind of strange.

First of all, I am sorry to hear about your dilemma. I do have a post that is in response to your first mention of this story below.  

I have not read any of your comments or responses to questions yet so, what I may ask may be redundant and, if so I apologize.

Obviously, the lady you got involved with is a VERY dysfunctional person. David, do you think that she had the right intentions in marrying you? I ask this because when a woman is in love she will do every thing she can to show you such. She basically turned you into a provider and nothing else almost. This says to me, getting here may have been her only motive. What do you think?

Greg

[Quasimoto]

... in response to Update: Need advice, posted by John LV on Dec 1, 2002

......doormat? Sounds like she wants to put you in a little box she designed for her convenience. Tell her that if you get laid 5 times a week, with enthusiasm, you might think about it. Then it would work for both your conveniences.

Steve

[WmGo]

... in response to Update: Need advice, posted by John LV on Dec 1, 2002

Heed the advice given to you by Wizard below in his response titled "IMHO" to your post entitled "Please help me".

The longer you delay implementing his very sound and wise advice the worse it is going to be for you.

Good luck, and don't forget to bring it to the Lord in prayer.

[Travis]

... in response to Update: Need advice, posted by John LV on Dec 1, 2002

You need to consult with an attorney and file for divorce. Move if you can. If you agree to this "arrangement" she has proposed, then you will only be setting yourself up for additional heartache and possibly worse! Be honest, could you handle laying in bed listening to her go at with another man in the other room? Somehow I doubt it! Or are you going to allow her to set you up for a domestic abuse charge? If she will do anything to stay in this country, then she will cry wolf! Trust me on this one, been there, done that! My situation is only slightly different than yours. The only real difference is the time...1.5 years for you and a couple of months for me. You cannot be emotional regarding these kinds of matters, that's why you need an attorney ASAP. Advise INS of the divorce proceedings immediately. I don't know how one goes about notifying INS yet. You may need to consult with an immigration attorney as well in order to remove the AOS burden. It may seem expensive now, but if you compare it with 10 years of financial responsibility for her, it's relatively cheap. Not to downplay the expieriences of the board members, but the only advice you need is that of your attorney!

P.S. Regarding your earlier post about women in general...it's not true at all. You were just unfortunate enough to find a bad one...most are nothing like what you describe. See an attorney and correct your current problem. Take a break and take care of yourself. Then find the right woman for you. Best of luck!!!

[John LV]

... in response to Re: Update: Need advice, posted by Travis on Dec 1, 2002

Thank you my friend, and the best of luck to you as well. I didn't realize it would be so hard to find a nice girl for one's self? I sort of perplexed that it has turned out to be so difficult?

I guess that's life?

Thanks again and take care.

David

[JohnL]

... in response to Update: Need advice, posted by John LV on Dec 1, 2002

.............. ever go to Minsk, Belarus, in your search for a FSU woman?

Best of luck
John

[Scaught]

... in response to Update: Need advice, posted by John LV on Dec 1, 2002

I also don't know why people don't believe you. These relationships, I think, are much more difficult (but worth it if you find a good one) than the much less complicated domestic relationships. My friend who is a lady who is a translator and facilitator of many FSU lady relationships with many Western men says the kind of breakup you describe is VERY COMMON!!! So all of you who have been ganging up on David think you are totally immune to losing it when your hot babe gets over here and starts attracting attention like a Monster Mag, you are all delusional. Many, she tells me with first hand knowledge, can't handle it. They become control freaks. They yell at her. They may try to control her movements (sounds like David, you didn't do this-- you gave her wheels). They become mentally unglued. She can't even smile at men, even return a smile to a wrinkled old toothless prune that smiles at her. You don't know if you can handle it until it happens. Ten days in Kiev or Moscow and a followup week in Turkey don't count.

I think some people have given you excellent advice. LP for example and some others mentioned getting a lawyer and filing for divorce immediately. (RW gave some good food for thought.) Also, you MUST never be alone with her again. I say this because she might indeed claim abuse one of these times after being alone with you. Especially once her back is against the wall. I believe you may have written that she hit you. In that case ask your lawyer about filing something against her for this. You said she's networked with her friends on how to play you. If you claim abuse before she does, her possible/likely (?) claim against you, I imagine, would be weakened.

What I have new to add (unless I missed it before) is that I would offer her a deal. You tell her she has disgraced you as a wife and disgraced herself. If she wants another guy, that's cool-- but she's got to do it the right way. She goes back home and the bartender boy (or whoever) does the paperwork. Assure her she will be able to come back (although you may take steps otherwise). You say you don't want to control her-- she is free to live her life and be with whoever she wants EXCEPT YOU! Resist the temptation to yell  and be nasty to her over the phone or in company with your lawyer. You offer to buy her a plane ticket. When you confirm her presence in her country, you tell you'll give her a thousand dollars. You tell her it's this or nothing-- you and your lawyer are going to cut her off and take all her possessions. You tell her you KNOW she can't survive in this country without you, and she's blown all of her chances. (Instead of seeing yourself as a victim to whom this might happen, aggressively threaten her with losing everything.) If you know what buttons to push, lie to her as she did you, pull them all to scare her to take your offer. Put the fear of Jesus in her, if you know how. If you have a good lawyer, he or she will do this, too. Give her a deadline-- a few weeks to a month. This letter could come from the lawyer. If she takes the offer, don't send her the money, so she won't be able to come back. Then put her on scammer sites.

My only comment on the personality thing is that you mentioned that you don't have friends and you are alone in life. You know that an even greater challenge than this mess with this trailer trash is your battle with yourself. You have to lighten up on the extreme intellectualism and worship of the mental life if you don't want to be alone your entire life (I taught a few years at Harvard, so I do know what I am talking about). It's a lonely deadend. Work on toning down the things that put people off (see threads below-- the Taliban-like Christian self-righteousness and proclaiming your genius-- it's very unattractive). Work on being balanced. Consider setting new priorities. What's more important: Quantum mechanics or friends? What works better: Bragging or being humble? Making real friends with people is something you must do. Not online, but wherever you are now. And wherever you go. Be patient with yourself and others. Don't even think about marriage until you have made a few guy friends and dated some more women in your area. Have real, face-to-face relationships. Go to Mensa meetings or wherever to meet people.

You ARE smart and I bet if you read some good self-help books, there would be no need for seeing a counselor. Check out the books by Dr. Paul Hauck. He's one of the best kept secrets, IMHO. A web search will work. He is eminently qualified (he's not a pop psych guy), has written many books, and the books are very short and right to the point. You'll "get" it immediately, I think.

Finally, it's "haphazardly," not "half hazardly." : ]

[wsbill]

... in response to Re: Update: Need advice, posted by Scaught on Dec 1, 2002

I'm placing my words of wisdom via how he talks to other people on a different message board.  You really should take a moment a go read the garbage this guy writes and posts.

So true what your saying also, when relationships go sour the crap really does hit the fan.

I think alot can be said how you project yourself to the lady, if you buying her and family everything while over there and returns to live a humble life, well, your setting yourself up.

Just like these guys that go get women 20 years younger than they are... Granted some of these ladies are mature enough carry themselves well and the guys do the same.

But the ones that don't have their feet firmly planted on the ground are the ones that this kind of destructive relationship falls victim to.

Clearly, David is in this lot of men.

Who didn't take their time on trying to find the right  lady, but instead ran and jumped into marriage with the first one that came along..

Me, personally, I might be married in 3 or 4 years from now.  I'm not in any hurry.  But, one never knows when the right one will be around the next corner.

What works for me, may not work for you or vice versea.

[John LV]

... in response to Re: Nobody is gang up on this guy, posted by wsbill on Dec 1, 2002

You surprise me in that I agree with you, you are right about that, use me as a good example of what not to do, my own ego and proudness made me fall, and so I have fallen, ouch.

But like others have said here, this will only make me a stronger person, and it has made me more humble too.

I do not mind in you or anyone else using my experience as the exact thing not to do, you are right, I went for the first one, I didn't pay attention to the signs, I was too needy and lonely.

But the good news is I'm growing up, I may be a late bloomer in that its taken 35 years, but its better late than never.

Tell everyone never to do what I have done, or they may be paying the price just like I am.

David

[John LV]

... in response to Re: Update: Need advice, posted by Scaught on Dec 1, 2002

Thanks, I will take everything you have said into consideration. Language was never one of my strong suits :-)

And just out of curiousity, I'll check out Haucks books, just to see what he is all about.

Thanks again.

[Scaught]

... in response to Re: Re: Update: Need advice, posted by John LV on Dec 1, 2002

n/t

[Globetrotter]

... in response to Update: Need advice, posted by John LV on Dec 1, 2002

Sugar Ray Robinson would say,"Keep your hands up, and your ass off the floor."

[Charles]

... in response to Update: Need advice, posted by John LV on Dec 1, 2002

David, BASED ON WHAT YOU HAVE SAID, I certainly concur with the prevailing sentiment that you should reject her proposal, as well as proceed with the divorce and INS action.  As noted in a recent post, the I-864 could be financially disastrous for you, particularly given her work history that you desribed.  She is playing you for the car and, even if her proposal is legit, I would be concerned having a woman in my home that I supported who is, at my expense, banging the bartending school.  With your occasionally mild episodes of anger, this could be explosive.  However, I am curious as to how you could have had this woman with you for 1.5 years when just over a year ago you wrote me requesting K-1 information.  Go figure.

[LP]

... in response to Questions, posted by Charles on Dec 1, 2002

...I'm not taking sides in this but I'll say a few things:

1) David is really who he says, at least as far as his story about living in Orlando and San Diego. Those of us who've been around here for a long time have dealt with him before and I can assure you, it's the same guy. I know for sure many things about him and his history in the MOB scene.

2) His story is real, at least as it pertains to his filing a K1, having an interview in May of 2001 (the 14th according to the info I have) and bringing to the US a woman named Natasha shortly thereafter. It's also true that he's been having ongoing problems with this relationship for some time. I know this to be the absolute truth. From that point forward, I know nothing for sure. Thats where Ken comes in, he's picked it up from there. I don't know if any of this recent stuff is true but knowing what I do, I would not be surprised. It all comes down to if you trust Ken's judgement in trusting David.

David, I'll point out a few things to you. First, see how people respond when you control yourself? Remember this in the future. Second, Let her come back? Don't be a fool.  Whose name is the car in? If it's her's, give it back. It'll hurt her more to lose it from repossesion and you'll be protected. If it's in your name, keep it. In dealing with this situation always consider the legal issues and protectinging yourself first and do *nothing* based on emotion. You need a lawyer, asap.

Seek legal help and file for a divorce immediately. He/she will use an investigator to gather evidence of her unfaithfullness. Her being unfaithful can be a blessing in disguise at a later time. Seperate your assets immedidately, especially those you had before the marriage. (I believe Nevada is a CP state but I'm not sure.) Report her to the INS if she doesn't have a green card. It'll likely be pissing in the wind but it costs nothing and won't hurt.

Do not assault, confront, stalk, or otherwise give her any oppurtunity to use the penal code against you, and leave her "friends" alone. Distance yourself, break all contact with her. Stay in your apartment if you can and have her leave, otherwise bug out and let her have it. If she can't afford it, she'll lose anyway. Do all these things as soon as you can but your attorney's advice takes precedence over anything said on this board.

Lastly, get help for your disorder. This is a golden oppurtunity to stop the cycle. There is a reason you have no friends and your future relationships will not prevail unless you treat the underlying cause of why you alienate those around you. Think hard about this. Your next woman will be different but if you're not, it'll go boom.

And if on the slim chance you are fabricating all this, you will only suffer down the road. In a way, this entire experience could be the best thing that ever happened to you. Don't blow this chance.