Need advice

[Stan B]

... in response to Re: Thanks, posted by Richard on Mar 12, 2002

in Wayne (on rte 30 )and my family still lives in the area. Now I live on Maui...aloha

[DE]

... in response to Need advice, posted by Tootsie on Mar 11, 2002

I just sent Jack an e-mail that may be of some help to you.  Please contact Jack.

[juio99]

... in response to Need advice, posted by Tootsie on Mar 11, 2002

Tootsie, sorry to tell you that you will get few honest answers here because you, as a RW, are viewed as a protected species.  There is a saying (perhaps from Oscar Wilde or Somerset Maugham) that goes something like: I can handle my enemies, but God help protect me from my friends.

We have the perfect example right here within a few postings.  Greg has stepped forward with some hard hitting advice for Stevo.  Since Stevo is an AM, this advice will stand on its own and no one will step forward to criticize Greg for giving honest advice.  But when Ryan gave you some
hard hitting advice, none other than the same Greg stepped forward to severely attack Ryan for daring to give honest opinions to a RW.  Sadly for you, the result of Greg’s attack will be to discourage others from giving you
the hard hitting honest advice that you need and deserve.

Now Greg (and others) will respond and attack me with a well written song and dance to demonstrate how the two situations are different, etc., and once again you will actually be harmed by someone who professes to be your friend.

Here is my advice for you.  Because of your protected status, you will only get honest answers when the writers know that their words to you will not be attacked by the RW protectors.  Therefore, you should set up a secondary free e-mail account with www.yahoo.com or www.hotmail.com
or www.mail.ru.  Post that account address here, and then again ask for input from the readers here.  By using this secondary e-mail account, you protect the privacy of your primary account, and can discontinue its use when the purpose is served.

Since I am one of the rare ones who don’t give a sh!t what others may say, I will give you some hard hitting advice here.

First, you cannot set your own rules to this game.  With the expanding use of the internet for matchmaking, it is becoming one of the best examples of a free market economy.  You say you don’t want to compete with other
ladies and you don’t want the men to have other options, but that is how the game will be played, so you best just get onboard.

Second, presumably you don’t want to get hooked up with someone who is stupid.  But a man who will invest a couple of thousand dollars or more to come and see you alone on a first visit will be a stupid man.  Interestingly, you know this yourself as you mention a return trip to US to see multiple men.  So you know what is logical, yet you don’t want the man to do the logical thing.  Well that makes you a . . . . .     You can fill in the blanks.

Third, I recall in some of your past posts that you proudly proclaim that you are not a typical Russian woman.  But you also know that a typical Russian woman is exactly what most of the men who are going to Russia are looking for, so I would say you are wasting your time playing this game in
the first place.

Fourth.  You should decide that you are going to do a complete change in your way of thinking and get into the market as an active participant and competitor; or you should stop deluding yourself and drop out.

Fifth, if you decide to become an active competitor, I read in a newspaper that the largest internet dating site was www.friendfinder.com

Sixth, if you do decide to become an active competitor, you should post here the sites your have placed your profile on.  Why keep it a secret if you are serious about finding a man?

Sincerely,

JR

P.S.  I did thank you several posts below for your advice to me regarding the Mediterranean area.

[greg2]

... in response to RW cannot get honest opinions or good ad..., posted by juio99 on Mar 11, 2002

I think you must have used your fast reading training. Or, someone else simply relayed to you what I wrote about.
 Caaause - you got it wrong.

I never got on Ryan's case for his advice. Go back and read it - prove me wrong. I got on his case for insinuating that Tootsie was nothing but a ME ME person while he was seemingly trying to attempt to label all FSU women this way --- most likely because of his own misfortune with a lady from Lugansk.

Besides, I do not agree with your idea about not possibly getting good advice here anyway. You may be right and she may not get it but, what would anyone not tell her? You must have an idea or you would not have said this. Honestly, I am not sure what we would protect her from other than insults.

[greg2]

... in response to I guess Tootsie will have to determine t..., posted by greg2 on Mar 11, 2002

But, I will admit, I have not come up with anything other than stated relative to advice yet ---- still thinkin

[LP]

... in response to RW cannot get honest opinions or good ad..., posted by juio99 on Mar 11, 2002

..First off, I applaud Greg's advice to Stevo, it was sound so why should he be criticized? As I recall, this is the guy whos wife gets drunk in strips clubs, so he isn't gonna be too objective anyway.

Second, although Ryan's shot at Tootsie wasn't really all that bad, hes got a history behind him so he is naturally gonna get jumped on. I would hardly call his opinions "honest", as he was operating off of a bout of self pity at the time. He was more fufilling his needs than hers. The rest of the replies to her struck me as genuine. (All except your's, of course.)

Third, It *is* different. Greg knows Tootsie personally, Ryan does not. Also, Ryan at least can give "advice" to a lady without resorting to less than gentlemanly behavior like calling her a "fill in the blank....", unlike you. I'm certainly not known for my tact, but I soften it around women as needed. This is why I can call you a serious Richard Cranium for such a comment and feel pretty good about it.

Fourth, I actually agree with you about how any R/W who comes here is treated like God's gift to losers but, as I said, in this case I (and others) know Tootise personally and Ryan does not. Nor, I suspect, do you, so what qualifies you to give her advice of the "quality" you've offered?

Fifth, Tootsie has the right to conduct her search using any method she sees fit, just like you. Besides, comparing how an A/M goes about it with a R/W seems like apples to oranges to me anyway. Btw, hows *your* success rate?

If I'd known you were such a weenie, I wouldn't have wasted my time on you with Cyprus. Who shot JR? I dunno, but he oughta try again.

[Stevo]

... in response to Listen here...., posted by LP on Mar 11, 2002

based on one reported incident.  To wit:

"First off, I applaud Greg's advice to Stevo, it was sound so why should he be criticized? As I recall, this is the guy whos wife gets drunk in strips clubs, so he isn't gonna be too objective anyway."

The fact that I reported one incident does not make my wife someone who "gets drunk in strip clubs".  Also, Greg's advice to me was unsolicited.  I post for info only; that others might take what they can (if they wish).  Had I asked for advice then it would be warranted.  I never said, "Geez, can someone give me advice on staying married 5 or 10 years?"  I'm a big boy and I know what works in my situation.  You'll notice I never criticized Greg for his advice, since he can say what he wants to say, even if the advice was not sought.  And lastly, you don't have any idea as to my objectivity, now, do you?  That's all.

Stevo

[thesearch]

... in response to Please don't make general statements..., posted by Stevo on Mar 12, 2002

Hi Stevo,

My advice was not solicited? Stevo, I had to really think about this as I found myself agreeing then questioning moments later. It dawned on me that what is black and white also has progressing shades of grey on the path to black relative to what we could label as solicitation.

Now at the black or white of it, you did not solicit advice. And, if you would prefer that I not comment on anything from your posts at all but merely, give advice when requested I would certainly not have any objection to such a request.

Here is how I see the grey so to speak. When you make a post, you are in effect opening up yourself for comment - in that sense it is an indirect invitation for comment/solicitation. There could be not comment without your initial post. Perhaps you will notice as I have that a great amount of comments/advice are not directly solicited here --- it is an off shoot of what that person posted. And, many times more important dialogue is spurred from this and the thread takes a whole new direction.

And, not unlikely many times to perhaps most of the time the advice benefits someone other than the person being given the advice - just a reader who reads the post and never even comments. In this sense advice to a person in all practicality becomes pertinent for someone other than who the advice was given. I suspect this is common.

If I felt motivated to post what I did, I could have started a new thread about such issues and thus I could state what I want in a form of general advice and not specific to anyone.

From your perspective, you did not feel that the advice had any relevance to you. You may be correct, but I also say that I know men personally who have responded to me this way when I know their wife or significant other thinks otherwise. So, I do not necessarily blanketly accept that you did not. However, if giving you that advice, I actually was reinforcing my own thought process so that there would be less likely hood that I would need that advice myself. So, that post at least had benefit for me.

It is just a fact that most men have a tendency to drift into taking his wife for granted as time moves on with only moments of trying to correct it. At, least this is what many women say. And, it is very common that women are jealous of other women who have a husband that is keeping the romantic fire lit more than their husband is.

So, if you do not want any comments other than black and white solicited ones - let me know - I will be happy to oblige

[LP]

... in response to Please don't make general statements..., posted by Stevo on Mar 12, 2002

....guy yet who was objective about anything concerning his wife, your statement only proves this further.

As for what works in your situation, two years means squat.

[WmGo]

... in response to Need advice, posted by Tootsie on Mar 11, 2002

Hello Tootsie!

Sorry that I am not good for advice now, but I wanted to say hello.

Yours is the same dilemna that AM face - although more difficult. I don't know what the answer is, but I really believe that if the AM is not willing to go to see you in your country then they are unworthy of having you. You are too unique and special a lady to settle for having to go meet the man yourself. To me, the man's willingness to make the journey to Russia is evidence of his sincerity as well as his worthiness.

Of course, you have to watch out for those guys who have multiple appointments!

*But*, as you discovered, you can travel half way around the world and know in a matter of minutes that you will never match the other person. So what is good for the goose is good for the gander - if you make a trip to USA, target a large city and schedule a lot of meetings!! I think that you would prefer a northern city like Louisville or Chicago, or maybe St. Louis or Denver. But don't forget Atlanta. If you targeted Atlanta I could render aid and service

I think you need to go get a part time job in Moscow at an Amerian company. Look around and maybe you meet a nice AM there. And don't forget the First Baptist Church of Moscow! There are some good men there. In the US, it would seem that your translation skills would be valuable to an American firm doing business in Russia.

That's all I can think of right now.

Take care.

WmGO

[Ryan]

... in response to Need advice, posted by Tootsie on Mar 11, 2002

Hello Tootsie,
The post I made below was uncalled for and I am sorry.  I consider you sort of a veteran on this board and enjoy reading your point of view.  I just could not understand your question as to me it was common since what you have to do and that was keep trying like I and a number of other people here are doing.  In the first part of the post I was trying to point out that you go threw so many of the same frustrating things we have to go threw.  Then I let my frustration show by taking a little of that out on you.  Again I am sorry.
Ryan

[greg2]

... in response to My apologies, posted by Ryan on Mar 11, 2002

Hey,

I appreciate that you got burned. You got burned big time and you were able to tell everyone about it. I respected you for that.

Just realize that there are more out there like her. Now doesn't that make you feel better. Of course I am kidding. The point is that there are and you could get burned again, but if you cop an attitude because of what happened you will turn off the sweet lady that you meet who is what you want. I know that it is hard to do but, you have to do it that way.

If something does not seem right with a lady, there are plenty of guys here who will give you their opinion so that hopefully you do not get scammed again.

Honestly, I am very sorry that happened to you.

Also thanks for that apology - I would not be able to compete with LP anyway - he is just too good at what he does.

[LP]

... in response to My apologies, posted by Ryan on Mar 11, 2002

..to do it Ryan, good for you.

Look, I understand your frustration. Maybe I can offer you some advice. My experience is that these chix *do* seem self-centered at times, but its not that black and white.

First off, stop applying A/W "standards" to them. Your experience is likely with A/W and that just ain't gonna work. When I started long ago I noticed that the very things we like about FSU women can manifest themselves in *very* complex ways other than the obvious.

Take their femininity for example. I've seen FSU girls who wouldn't hesitate to kill a rat, yet be afraid to go on an amusement ride or drive a jeep. They may have a difficult existence but are taught to "be" and "act" like women. That means they expect you to be and act like a man. That means footing the bill, opening doors and showing them courtesy you normally would get beat up for in our culture.

Much of the stuff you've been "programmed" not to do for A/W is what they expect, indeed, take for granted. This feminine nature and expectation can manifest itself in every interaction you have with them and, if you ponder it a little, you'll soon learn what to expect in *most* situations. (After all, they're still women) You'll find that these expectations are often in complete conflict with what you're used to dealing with. To paraphrase: "its the culture, stupid." You must stop expecting them to react in a manner that you're accustomed to in almost every scenario you find yourself in with them.

Think about it. In general, femininity is easy to understand on one hand, but difficult on another. Higher emotional energy levels, pride, how they resolve conflict, ect, ect, is often directly effected by this trait.
This can appear at times to be the "me" part you've experienced. It can appear that they have higher expectations of you than an A/W and, in fact, they often do, especially if she isn't here yet. They're expecting us to "go through" what we do because its' "our job". Get it? In other words, while she must adapt to the practical aspects of our culture, its my opinion we have the more difficult job in adapting to the emotional aspects of theirs.

The point I'm trying to make (and not very well) is that these expectations from them of you "being" a man is not at all what you're used to. You really need to have both some experience *and* learn to think in an entirely different way before you make a judgement or determination of them based on your past experience with western women.

This is gonna apply to most interactions you have with a sincere FSU girl. It requires you to relearn some skills you've either lost or, if you're a young guy, maybe never had. When dealing with them, stop auto-reacting and start thinking very carefully before you say or do anything around them, simple as that. Weigh what their response may be based on an examination of *their* programming, not your's. (Even taking my own advice, I'm still trying to figure mine out and it isn't easy at all.)

(lol, in general, just look at a given situation and ask yourself how a 1950s A/W would react in the same instance. No experience with that? Then just work a little harder at being a gentleman.)

Believe me, it isn't gonna be easy sometimes but you'll soon learn to appreciate the way they are (mostly), and in the final analysis you'll decide thats exactly why you looked at them in the first place and come to the conclusion you wouldn't have it any other way. Now having said all that, remember that women are women on a core level the world over. Culture aside, it isn't too difficult to deal with that part, unless you're brain dead. You know, there is a lot of good to be said about how some Russian men treat their women. If you could remove the bad things they do and leave the good, blend together the good from them with the good we offer, you'd make her the happiest woman on Earth. Do that, and she'll likely do the same for you.

After all, isn't that why you're here?

[Del]

... in response to Thats the way..., posted by LP on Mar 11, 2002

posts, Gary. I liked this a lot - they ARE high maintenance although not in a 'fiscal' sense.
And, I do agree that it's ALL worthwhile when you find the right one!!!!  :-)
Too bad this'll be wiped when Patrick see all the crap.

[Zink]

... in response to My apologies, posted by Ryan on Mar 11, 2002

It's nice to see that you are man enough to apologize. Tootsie has helped a lot of us on this board. She never once asked for anything from me for the help that she gave. It's a rare thing to find people like that. If you'd met her you would understand why some of us are protective of her. I arrived late on the scene and it's hard to match Greg's eloquence.

You need to learn to control your frustration. Hey, I got hurt by a lady that I fell for. It cost me thousands of dollars. But it was a learning experience. I have regrets about what happened and the mistakes that I made. But instead of getting bitter and condemning the ladies I'm trying to do this a second time and avoid making the same mistakes twice. I remember the good times we had and try to forget about the meltdown.

I know about frustrations. I've got a heavy bag in my basement. I take my frustrations out on it, not on my keyboard. You made some big mistakes. Guess what! You're human. But if you learned from them then some good may come from those mistakes.

One thing about life with RWs for good or bad it's always interesting. I strongly believe that there are good ones out there to be found.