A reply to Luther and anyone else interested

[Howard]

WOW!
 
It’s very rare that I am speechless, but I am not quite sure how to properly respond.  Although, I will try to in some fashion.
 
First of all, Luther, you are right.  To some degree I do owe you an apology and I am only doing it here on PL, because it seems important that everyone vested in this public airing of family dirty laundry see some form of conclusion to the “Howard vs Luther; Who’s the good guy?” debate to you.
 
I am not going to debate things point by point because I am nearing 50 and fear that I may not be able to do so before the end of my life.  I will do my best to summarize in my reply and hopefully address the big picture, rather than arguing every detail to exhaustion.
 
I did operate with mostly second hand information, but from my personal dealings with you – albeit a small sample size – it wasn’t a huge stretch to believe some of the things I have been told. 
 
Unfortunately, for both of us, it seems that the difference in our personalities makes it difficult for us to communicate on a level that we both find comfortable.  It’s too bad, we are probably both squandering a wonderful opportunity here, but we are who we are.
 
For my part, I probably should not have posted here in anger and in such detail.  I’m not going to apologize for including my opinions, admittedly based on second hand knowledge; this website is a community of people with common interests.  When someone is a participating member of this website, personal information gets shared.  When personal information gets shared, people become vested in each other’s success and failure.
 
When this happens relationships are formed and when you involve others in your life they have a right to know what’s going on.  At least that’s the way I see it.  Ray and Bear may have their differences, but BOTH are great guys and I consider both friends, no matter how little we may correspond anymore.  I will never be able to repay the kindness and compassion shown by so many here when I truly needed someone to understand my situation.  Calls from Hammy aka Dave Hamilton, Stephen and Tess, my friendship with Dan and Mares and many others whose names escape me at this second – but none of which are any less important! – to make sure I was “doing okay” in times of indecision were often just the pick me up I needed to endure and find the strength to persevere when it seemed Gerlie’s visa would never be approved.  These people are a family of sorts and they welcomed you in with open arms and you became part of the community.  I’m sorry things didn’t work out as well for you here as they have for me, because – even after all these years – this is still a good community and a great resource.  It’s a shame, in my opinion, that – for whatever reason – you have not become a more regular contributor after your marriage.  People would benefit from your experience.
 
With the benefit of hindsight, maybe I was harsh in my judgment.  Then again, maybe not.  I might be guilty of looking at my relatives in the Philippines through rose colored glasses and I will admit that I am often jealous of your situation.  Maybe the day to day life in the barangay would cause me to change my opinion on certain things, but we’ll probably never know for sure.
 
The inconsistencies in our versions of this story seem to be attributed to the information given from one wife to another.  I will not make any excuses for my wife’s temper, but I can say that, without doubt, she is giving me the details as they are relayed to her.  Maybe certain points are emphasized in anger, but I believe them to be true to the best of her knowledge nonetheless.  My wife is fiercely loyal and passionately protective.  Her perception of her family’s legacy – accurate or not – is very important to her, as is her affection for your wife.  If she is giving me information that is incorrect, it’s because the fruit is rotten on the tree.  Even if we meet half way, some of the events that have taken place are still troubling.  If it is a matter of perception, then I suggest you discuss these things with your wife and make sure that she understands your position beyond all doubt.  I would not want my wife representing me to be anything other than what I am, but then again, how would I know?  I will assure you that I will be addressing things on my end, because I will be quite irritated if I was involved only to be angered and prodded to act with intentionally false information.
 
The one point I would like to address is in relation to the subject of “the map”.  I have to apologize, but my eyes hurt from reading the volume of words in the recent replies and I’m not exactly sure what you’re talking about.  I don’t believe I ever published a map of your location here and am pretty sure I didn’t bring any new information to the table, save for maybe disclosing a first name or two in my post(s) that you hadn’t.  If I somehow accidentally made it easy for those here to pinpoint your location, it was not my intent to do so in any way.
 
And also, you may roll your eyes at her job with the municipality, but it was a good job.  I will give you the benefit of the doubt and know that you realize that you can’t measure a job there by the standard in which you were raised here in the U.S.  If she quit of her own volition and later regretted it, then the real tragedy is that she somehow led others to believe that you were to blame.
 
I truly and sincerely hope for continued success in your marriage.  Jovie deserves a good husband and if you are anything close to the person you claim to be in your account of these events, you deserve a good wife.
 
I am VERY open to trying to repair our fractured relationship to the potential benefit of our entire family.  We can begin publicly or in private based on your willingness to do so or not.
 
Keep the Faith!
 
Howard
 

[Ray]

 
Hi H,
 
How have you and the family been doing?
 
 
The Lions sure stunned Dallas the other day by pulling that win out of their arses. Any day that Dallas loses is a good day, IMHO... LOL!
 
 
Ray
 

[benjio]

Any day that Dallas loses is a good day, IMHO... LOL!

AMEN BROTHER!!!!!! 

[robert angel]

 
The Lions sure stunned Dallas the other day by pulling that win out of their arses. Any day that Dallas loses is a good day, IMHO... LOL!
 
 
Ray

I really like Stafford--he had no timeouts, marched the ball some 80 yards and with no timeouts and 12 seconds left, he pulls a trick one yard play to win the game--totally blowing the wind out of Dallas's sails Calvin Johnson had a banner game and deserves a lot of credit too, no doubt.
 
You'd think that Stafford, who recently inked a new, 41 million dollar contract and has been a 'star' since he was in high school, then again with the Georgia Bulldogs, would be at least a little 'full of himself'.
 
Far from it. When he first signed with the Lions in 2009, he bought the condo directly above my parents--the top floor unit--really a penthouse, with floor to ceiling windows with views extending 25 miles + into Canada. My parents thought 'Hmmm--a 22 y/o multi millionaire athlete--there might be a few parties, some extra traffic, etc.'
 
FAR from it. Stafford has the same knock you out gorgeous GF, Kelly Hall for years now--she was a cheerleader at Georgia during Stafford's years there. They're still together--the media tried to make her out as drunk recently in a video in Costa Rica--hot video dancing in the water in a bikini--(worth a look on Google), but I don't buy it--she was doing what a lot of gals her age would do on vacation--cut her some slack.
 
Stafford, she and their dogs shared the elevator with my family many times, respecting each other's privacy. That said, they never saw Stafford alone with another gal--just him and Kelly. But once--just once--my sister chanced to have a Stafford jersey in a bag--she got it for my brother who's a big fan and they were having a b. day party for him at my parents place. She asked "Mr. Stafford--could you possibly sign this please?" He didn't blink--he said "I'd be happy to--and if you or anybody in your family has anything you want me to sign, please--and I MEAN it, ring me up, or box it and leave it at the front desk with a note in the lobby--your folks are the nicest people--it's the least I can do".
We never asked them to sign another thing and they've since bought a bigger place where it's easier to run their dogs, but they were definitely nice, 'good neighbors' and for a rich, celebrity couple in their young twenties, wayyy mature beyond their years.
 
With all the murdering, dirty play, crimes and drugs in today's NFL, they look pretty good to me! And so do the Manning brothers and their Dad Archie!

[mambocowboy]

AMEN BROTHER!!!!!! 

AMEN BROTHERS!

[robert angel]

Talking about class acts. Howard certainly showed a lot of class--how to be a MAN, in reaching out to Luther and trying to make an awkward situation better for their families, both near and far.
 
Too many of us would've let similar bad blood and grudges follow us to our graves.
Way to go, Howard!!

[Howard]

Yo Ray


Family is well, thank you   I have known my wife for almost 12 years now and we are just about to celebrate our 9th wedding anniversary.  Our son is now in the first grade and is doing quite well.  It is so funny to watch him grow, he is such a character!  LOL  Nanay and Tatay may have a lot of personality, but it took years to develop   This kid is FUNNY!  Not just repeating funny things his parents say, but making his own jokes that often stop me in my tracks   He loves school and does very well in his studies.  Its amazing that he knows how to use our smart phones better than we do, well at least better than I do, Mom's a whiz   He's very outgoing, where I was shy at his age, but he did get his mother's temper.  I plan on finding a good hiding place when he hits puberty, especially if my wife is going through menopause at the same time   LOL  Those two go at it!  Constantly bickering, too much alike I guess   Put those two strong willed Filipinos in a room and I'm looking for shelter   LOL


G. is well a and spunky as ever   She's kind of bored with her job and looking for a new challenge, but other than that she's doing fine and still as much a character as ever   All in a good way


Hope all is well with your family!


Keep the Faith!


H

[Howard]

Hey Robert,


Thanks man, I'm just doing what I think is best for the family.


I think the whole family could benefit from the two of us having a cordial relationship or better.


It certain'y can't hurt


Keep the Faith!


H

[Bob_S]

One of the reasons I didn't delete the whole sordid mess or banish it to the Flame Room where only members could view it is because thankfully Luther came back to tell his side of the story, and as a result made this into a very informative lesson in communication and cultural misunderstanding that I think newbies can benefit from, even if it does air someone's dirty laundry.

Now, my experience comes more from a Japanese side.  I've come to understand (often the hard way) that when Japanese women express their wishes, they rarely come out and just say it.  Directness is considered rude.  They are very circumspect and painfully indirect.  For example, if she wants you to take her to an Italian restaurant for dinner, she won't say "Let's go out for Italian tonight."  She'll say, Gee, Italy makes great food, doesn't it.  You, as the listener, are expected to "read the air."  That is difficult enough for us Western men to get used to.

So after reading Howard's version of events (officially hearsay as it is the end result of the telephone game) and then reading Luther's version of events, I have to wonder if Luther, already one who has communication problems from mild mental challenges, might be getting an unfair bad rap because of misunderstandings between himself and his better half.

You who are married to Pinays would know better than I, but do they also have that indirectness when it comes to communication styles?  Are issues alluded to rather than directly confronted?  So when Luther makes an innocent offhand comment about, Gee, isn't it crowded in this house with all the people, his wife interprets it as "Get all these people out of my home!"  When he says, I'm getting tired of chicken. I'd like some pork someday, his wife hears "Steal the neighbor's pig if you have to, butcher it, and cook it up tomorrow."  He gets bacon and thinks everything is fine, but his better half then calls up Howard's wife and complains about what a demanding, pushy, and ungrateful SOB Luther is.

Their life could be full of these little issues of culture clashes.  But none of us are there to see the truth, so it's unfair to take sides, if there are even sides to take.  I mean, shoot.  My wife and I have been married 10 years, and I still misread her air often (though we have evolved our own unspoken communication method).  And she still gets frustrated when she has to spell things out for me because I'm not noticing her clues.  And these are minor because we are mostly patient with each other.  Luther's tale, both Howard's version and Luther's follow-up, I think serve as a useful cautionary tale for those contemplating an international relationship.  You are not just marrying a cute foreigner, you are marrying their culture and all the baggage that comes with it.