General understanding Please

[dewey4350]

Hello people I know its been a while sense my last post.I am within the two week time frame of taking my ma den voyage to see and be with my lady. I am very excited and anxious.So any last preps would be appreciated from the iron travelers. My ladies father was a city official that controlled/regulated the fruit vendors for Bacolod City. Unfortunately he was shot in the back last week and was pronounced DOA. He left behind 4 daughters and 3 boys. Being so close to my arrival I did offer to delay my trip. I am not so worried about the dangers there what I worry about now is the mind set of the family' there. My lady says that I will be the head of the family now because I am the oldest? ? Some in sight here would be so appreciated. I will wait for some of your replies and post back Later.....dewey4350               KFC if you could leave me a message I would like to ask you a question as well

[thekfc]

<sup>Sorry to hear the situation with your lady's family.

I am at work busy running around the place (2 co-workers out sick so I am covering for them) but I am online so you can ask me the question - pm or otherwise.</sup>

[thekfc]

Watching the news last week with my wife, I remember reading something to that effect. Do the father initials happen to be DP?

[Bob_S]

If you are going to be promoted to Head-of-the-Family, then you may have a social responsibility to show up sooner rather than later.  Social and familial obligations are very big in most Asian cultures.  My FiL disapproved of our marriage, but when he croaked from a stroke a year after I married his daughter, I became the male figurehead of the family and had to drop everything to go with my wife to attend his funeral where I had a prominent role.
If you are feeling very sure that this girl is "the one", you may want to see if you can go earlier to offer to do whatever you can to help the family through this difficult time.  That's your job as the new "Man" of the family.

[Ray]

My lady says that I will be the head of the family now because I am the oldest?

Wait just a minute. You haven't even met her yet and now you're the head of her family? That is very strange indeed. The oldest of her siblings should take on that role, not you.
 
I am older than any of my wife's siblings or their spouses, but I sure am not going to assume the role of head of her family.
 
Be sure that she isn't bestowing upon you the responsibility for the financial support of her family! I don't think you want to walk in there and start paying all their bills and burial expenses for them.
 
I would also feel a little uncomfortable by intruding during their mourning. Personally, I would give them at least 2 months to bury their father and complete the traditional mourning. Delaying your trip for a while may be a good idea.
 
Anyway, good luck on your trip.
 
Ray
 
 

[dewey4350]

Ok, first of all the oldest sibling is my lady. And your right I have never touched are held her.But I have been talking to her for the past 14months. We do have a bond, but only through the net. Most of you have been there you know what I am talking about.The city did pay for most of his expenses and did scholarship four of the younger children in there time left in school. I am very close to all of them. I guess it would be nice to be there but I have to bid my vacation and it is already set. There is no hurry I could not make it in time anyway. I was just put over a little by the "Head of the Family statement". I did not realize that they show the deceased in there homes. Then there is a wake.  Then they go to a chapel then they bury them. But thee has been people coming from many differant islands so the whole process is lengthy. To lighten this up some I have my Imodium,pepto bismal tabs. I also have some con veinant toilet paper camping kits. I have packed my chocolates, also my coffee. How am I doing so far?.

[Ray]

 
Don't forget your Tabasco sauce and mosquito repellent!   
 
 

[Tanuki]

Ray,
 
Does tabasco help with balut?  My girl keeps asking me if I will try when I get there. Just looking at pictures of balut makes my tummy hurt.  I told her I don't think I can do it.  Whenever the subject of food comes up she pokes fun at me about trying it.

[Ray]

Ray,
 
Does tabasco help with balut?  My girl keeps asking me if I will try when I get there. Just looking at pictures of balut makes my tummy hurt.  I told her I don't think I can do it.  Whenever the subject of food comes up she pokes fun at me about trying it.

Yes, it works for me. Tabasco can kill the taste of all kinds of weird stuff  like dinuguan (chocolate meat), kinilaw na pusit (raw squid), dried squid, squid adobo, fish heads, fish eyeballs, frog adobo, goat head soup, goats eyes, goat balls, pig balls, fish balls, water buffalo balls, live sea urchins, etc, etc, ...
 
I like to carry a small bottle of Tabasco in my pocket when I go visiting people over there, because they will always try to feed you something and you never know what will show up on your plate.
 
You should try to honor their hospitality by at least tasting everything they offer you. However, if you happen to drop in on someone who is in the middle of eating a meal, and they offer you some, you should politely decline with any lame excuse like "thank you but I ate lunch already", or something like that.
 
Eating a balut is like a rite of passage. Eat one in public and they should leave you alone after that. Try downing a few Tanduay (rum) & Cokes before and it should slide right down. You can probabloy get away with skipping the head... 
 
 
Ray
 
 
 
 

[Dave H]

Hey Dewey,
 
Sorrow to hear about the loss of you lady's father!
 
"My lady says that I will be the head of the family now because I am the oldest?"
 
Hmmmm? That seems a bit odd in Philippine culture to me. My American bother-in-law was in a similar situation to yours. The father died just before he visited and married my wife's sister. He was even older than the father, but the kuya became the head of the family. I came along a year later (I'm younger than the father, but older than the kuya) and also did not recieve that position.
 
Dave

[piglett]

Hey Dewey,
 
Sorrow to hear about the loss of you lady's father!
 
"My lady says that I will be the head of the family now because I am the oldest?"
 
Hmmmm? That seems a bit odd in Philippine culture to me. My American bother-in-law was in a similar situation to yours. The father died just before he visited and married my wife's sister. He was even older than the father, but the kuya became the head of the family. I came along a year later (I'm younger than the father, but older than the kuya) and also did not recieve that position.
 
Dave

Well Dave after you showed them your purple G-string i think the cards were stacked against you 
 
 
pig

[Ray]

I did not realize that they show the deceased in there homes. Then there is a wake. Then they go to a chapel then they bury them. But thee has been people coming from many differant islands so the whole process is lengthy.

　
The funeral customs in the Philippines might seem rather weird to us. I have only been up close to one, but have learned some of the various customs from my wife and Filipino acquaintances.
　
When I was living in the Philippines some years ago, my elderly next-door neighbor passed away at home after a relatively short illness. She was very old and I had gotten to know her pretty well.
　
Some of the things that I observed were very strange from my perspective. First, the deceased was embalmed right there in her home. An older lady came to the home with her equipment and performed the embalming while some of the family members watched and also helped out.
　
There are funeral homes over there similar to what we have here, but I presume that they are still optional, depending on local customs.
　
The prepared body was placed in a casket with a glass top and placed on display right there in the living room. Quite a few friends and family members stopped by to offer their condolences and there were always people awake and in the living room with the deceased. They would be up all night, playing cards, playing the radio, singing, talking, eating, and drinking.
 
As you mentioned, this went on for probably about 2 weeks while some family members traveled from far-away provinces. Back then the communications were somewhat primitive and it took some time for everyone to get the word and make the trip for the wake. I can attest to the fact that grandma was starting to get a little "ripe" after the first week, but nobody seemed to mind.
　
Visitors would generally make cash donations to the family or bring food and drinks to share. After everyone had made it to the wake, there was a church funeral mass and internment in the public cemetery.
　
The cemeteries are not quite what we have here, and sometimes the deceased are buried above ground in concrete vaults. I’ve seem several vaults stacked one upon the other with family members buried in small enclosures or open crypts with a tin roof over them.
　
In my wife’s case when her mom passed away, I think the funeral mass and burial were held about 5-6 days after her death, after my wife arrived from the States. There was a period of mourning of I think 40 days after the burial. That’s why I suggested that you may want to wait a couple of months to visit while the family is in mourning.
　
For a year after the funeral, the wife of a deceased husband usually wears black and might not attend any social events. Other close family members may also engage in varying degrees of public mourning for a year. After a year, it’s back to normal as much as possible.
　
After that, it is fairly common to visit the deceased’s gravesite periodically and on the anniversary of the death. On All Saints and All Souls Days, the cemeteries are full of people partying, eating, and drinking all day and night at the gravesites of their family members. There are always people coming and going and some of the partying can get out of hand. Some cemeteries are heavily patrolled by the police on those 2 days.
　
Different provinces have differing customs, so don’t take any of my experiences as being common for the country as a whole.
　
Anyone else with personal experiences to share? Dave H?
　
Ray
　

[Dave H]

　
Anyone else with personal experiences to share? Dave H?
　
Ray
　

Hey Ray,
 
I think you pretty much covered everything. Here are some regional cutoms. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Funeral_practices_and_burial_customs_in_the_Philippines
 
Living in the Philippines, I seem to attend a lot of wakes and funerals. I went to two houses yesterday to attend wakes (elderly relative and a friend's mother early 40's). The caskets are covered with a clear glass viewing shield. I brought along my Vicks just in case, but didn't need it. The relative had been dead almost two weeks (waiting for family from overseas to arrive) and I was worried that she might be getting a little "gammy." Last year, a friend of mine was murdered in Manila and shipped home about a month later...I wish that I would have had my Vicks.
 
Dave

[Ray]

 
Hey, thanks Dave.
 
That's a great idea with the Vick's Vopor Rub!
 
Oh, your Uncle Fester says hello... 
 
Ray
 

[robert angel]

All the above seems to be in keeping with what I've heard. Thankfully I haven't been there when someone actually died.
 
Now my wife, who's fit as fiddle, she nonetheless periodically reminds me that if for whatever reason, she 'passes away' that I HAVE to make all  arrangements to have her body prepared and  flown back to Mindanao. I will do what I have to do, as promised, but I'm not sure about all the logistics--the costs involved...
 
Chances are, it won't be an issue for me, as I'll be the one to 'check out' first and while she hates the thought, with me being somewhat practical, I want to be cremated and have my ashes put in the ocean, on the OUTgoing tide. (I better teach her how to read a tide chart, come to think of it)  In fact, speaking of practicality and cremation, I wish our house had a bigger fireplace, to save a few bucks, as I've never been one for big public displays, fancy funerals, etc. That 'do it yourself at home' stuff as descibed in the Philippines, sounds just fine to me. We'll just stock up on Lysol, Airwick and Glade, I guess.
 
Back to the wife and the  "OMG--what if---?" Is it true that if you die here and want to be flown by jet to the other side of the planet, namely the Philippines (I'm sure they have a special tax on dead bodies there) and we're on the USA east coast, is it true that to have the body prepared and sent back to the Philippines, that it typically costs THIRTY THOUSAND dollars? (Piglett--I hope you're not reading this)
 
That's what I heard and even though I tried to explain it to my wife, along with the fact that in such an event, that they wouldn't even upgrade her to first class--heck, she wouldn't even get dinner and a movie for that kind of money---she still insists!!
 
What does it typically cost to prepare the body and send a deceased Filipina back home from the USA to be buried with her family?--Ray--Dave?--BTW--the Balikbayon box is NOT an option.

[piglett]

hell for about 6k you can rent her a nice shipping container & put her on a boat. leg room will not be a problem 
 
 
pig

[Bob_S]

hell for about 6k you can rent her a nice shipping container & put her on a boat. leg room will not be a problem 

Even embalmed, she'd be pretty ripe by the time she got there.  Need to get one of them carbonite machines they used on Han Solo.