Just Another Latina-Loving Gringo!

[OrlandoGringo]

Hello all.  I posted a few times many months ago and now again in just the past two days.  I realized I had never introducted myself. 

I'm 44 and divorced from a Colombian.  We were married both there and here in 1997 and divorced last year.  We have an 8 year-old son and share time and responsibility for him.  Love wasn't the problem.  We had too much conflict.  We never should have married.  We were a bad fit but we both wanted it to work and we both tried really hard.  I still love her today and tell her so.  Again, our marriage didn't end because of love but because we just had too much conflict over too many things except sex, money, other people or our son...in other words a lot of trivial things. 

I'm not the sharpest bulb in the tool box  but one thing I did glean from my many visits to Colombia with her was the quality of Colombian women.  I marveled at their beauty, femininity, simplicity and traditional values.  Unfortunately, my wife had only the first quality listed but none of the others.     Like I said I was young, dumb and full of...never mind.    

When my marriage went down the tube I was DETERMINED to find me a nice Colombian woman.  But this time, I was going to find one that was PERFECT for me.  I found her last June in Cartagena!  I spent 10 days there with her in July and then 2 weeks with her in December, part of which was in the freaking hospital but that's in another thread.     I would be happy to share more on that later but for now I just wanted to say hello and give a little background.  This looks like a good board and I'm glad I found it.   

[Researcher]

   Hey OG and welcome to the board!

   Researcher

[Jeff S]

Hi OG and welcome. Looking forward to your participation. Your experience will be a valuable asset here.

[OrlandoGringo]

Thank you gentlemen.  I'm happy to share and help in any way I can!

[whitey]

Welcome aboard OrlandoGringo!

Was your ex from Bucaramanga?  Just wondering if the stereotype has some truth ...

[OrlandoGringo]

Yep, ex is from Buca.  What stereotype is that? 

[euforia51]

Welcome, Gringo. So a novia in Cartagena? Never been there, they tell me it's nice. Mine is in Medellin and I believe she's a keeper. But maybe your story, when you decide to tell it, will shed some light on things that all of us here in the forum don't know yet.

[whitey]

Haha ... I thought so ... the stereotype is that they want to wear the pants in the family, control the man, etc.

Every region in Colombia has a stereotype about the people and the women ... it's not always true of course and always depends on the individual, but there is a reason why stereotypes develop ...

[dennislevy]

The stereotype of woman from Santander (Bucamaranga) is that they wear the pants in a couple. They are argumentative, bossy. pushy. etc.

The classic joke about Santanderias is.
Q            How does a Santanderia iron clothes?.
A            With her bare hand.

Ive lived in Colombiua for almost three years and I ve decided that many of the things that we say on this board have some validity...but the bottom line is can a man make a woman trust him ...enough to overcome most of her fears.

The gap in cultures is so profound...that even in spite of two well meaning people, who say te quiero mucho.....,much of the time it doesnt work. I ve lost relationships here, one as recently as three days ago in Riohacha because some women expect me to act within the unspoken codes of the culture...and often I won t do it.,, Many times I m the first Intenret cita that a woman has had and most of the time, Im the first foreigner.

Ibelieve that I treat women well...but also ive learned that after a setback in this culture, its best not to dwell on it...but to date someone else, ASAP.

Six weeks before I met the woman in Riohacha....I was in Baranquilla and I had two dates with a very attractive baranquillena, the second date was a steamy evening in her apartment. We stayed in touch and rght after i got dumped by the woman from Riohacha, I  took the bus to Baranquilla (where I am now) and took up again with the Baranquillena. And so less then 48 hours after the breakup in Riohacha and what I would have considered a devestating breakup in the US I was making love to the another beautifuñl woman

Andf Ive thought for the last 3 days aobut the woman in Riohacha, but in another week o so she ll be a memory. The advantahe and the diadvantage of relationships here is that thiongs happen very fast...and if a woman or I decide it aint gonna work, its just a few days.

The woman froim Riohacha (or so I thought ) was different...I put 3 weeks into her an exlusiove for thre weeks...but she had fears.


Some Colombian women are disarmed by what they call generosity...they are showered with presents and money...and they decide that that particular gringo is a good bet.    I ll be fair and generous, but never ecxtravagant unless there is a very strong  committment.

[whitey]

Six weeks before I met the woman in Riohacha....I was in Baranquilla and I had two dates with a very attractive baranquillena, the second date was a steamy evening in her apartment. We stayed in touch and rght after i got dumped by the woman from Riohacha, I  took the bus to Baranquilla (where I am now) and took up again with the Baranquillena. And so less then 48 hours after the breakup in Riohacha and what I would have considered a devestating breakup in the US I was making love to the another beautifuñl woman

Andf Ive thought for the last 3 days aobut the woman in Riohacha, but in another week o so she ll be a memory. The advantahe and the diadvantage of relationships here is that thiongs happen very fast...and if a woman or I decide it aint gonna work, its just a few days.

Haha ... sounds like you've truly "gone native", Dennis ... you've turned into a colombian guy!

That seems to be a pretty big danger for guys that spend a lot of time in Colombia ... there are just so many beautiful and available women that "the grass always looks greener" ...

[dennislevy]

you know me, Whitey.

I had asked the girl in Riohacha to be ny novia and when i have an formal true novia, I am a faithful man, I don t date or cat around. She introduced me to her family as her novio. and I was happy, i thought that maybe she might be the one. and we slept every night togehter for 15 nights

But after she dumped me, and I called her and she wouldnt answer the phone, the hell with that. I asked myself the question...was it worth it to go back to Riohacha and try to put it back together or jsut go down the road...

And I went down the road.

And i broke my rules witht he woman from Riohacaha,she is itnelligent but not educated...and she has had a hard life, I fantasized a bit about her and that she was above her estrato..... but that was a mistake. As expereinced as I am in Colombia, I made a mistake, i got involved with a poor woman who couldnt see ther big picture

[whitey]

Yeah, that would probably be enough for me too ... sorry it didn't work out ...

[OrlandoGringo]

That stereotype about women from Buca would certainly fit my ex.  She did want to dominate but I believe it was generated by fear.  Her father has cheated on her mother numerous times.  My ex tried to control me and we just had a lot of conflict because I didn't get married to stop being me.  Marriage should be about sharing one's life with another, not giving up who they are and losing themself.  A year after we were married we went to a Catholic sponsored marriage conselor who was bilingual (as was my ex, not perfect, but good) and after a while the counselor told my ex that she had control issues.  That was the last time we saw that counselor.      Needless to say we never should have married and we never should have stayed married once we got married.  But, maybe I needed to beat my head against the wall a few hundred times before I figured out that it was time to part ways.  I will tell you this.  I learned a ton about myself and about what I want and what I don't want.  My new lady is totally different and I truly believe that this relationship will be everything that anyone could want in a stable, healthy and fulfilling relationship.  Everybody knock on wood for us, ok?  Thanks.   

[Bob_S]

I still love her today and tell her so.

Whaoh!    Does your new novia know this?  Holy sh!t dude!  Are you trying to make your life into a telenovela?     Until you can get over your ex, you are just begging for trouble if you try to move on, because you won't.  This woman destroyed your life.  Switch it off, dude, switch it off.

[OrlandoGringo]

Thanks Bob.  Yes, my fiance knows that I still love my ex but it's a "love" like I have for my sister.  She understands and is fine with it.  I care about my ex and I want her to be successful and happy.  I'm not bitter, not at all.  She's a good person but not a good partner. 

[raycjs]

OG,

Welcome to the board, best of luck to you with your new girl.


Ray

[fathertime]

Hello all.  I posted a few times many months ago and now again in just the past two days.  I realized I had never introducted myself. 

I'm 44 and divorced from a Colombian.  We were married both there and here in 1997 and divorced last year.  We have an 8 year-old son and share time and responsibility for him.  Love wasn't the problem.  We had too much conflict.  We never should have married.  We were a bad fit but we both wanted it to work and we both tried really hard.  I still love her today and tell her so.  Again, our marriage didn't end because of love but because we just had too much conflict over too many things except sex, money, other people or our son...in other words a lot of trivial things. 

I'm not the sharpest bulb in the tool box  but one thing I did glean from my many visits to Colombia with her was the quality of Colombian women.  I marveled at their beauty, femininity, simplicity and traditional values.  Unfortunately, my wife had only the first quality listed but none of the others.     Like I said I was young, dumb and full of...never mind.    

When my marriage went down the tube I was DETERMINED to find me a nice Colombian woman.  But this time, I was going to find one that was PERFECT for me.  I found her last June in Cartagena!  I spent 10 days there with her in July and then 2 weeks with her in December, part of which was in the freaking hospital but that's in another thread.     I would be happy to share more on that later but for now I just wanted to say hello and give a little background.  This looks like a good board and I'm glad I found it.   

hey orlandoGringo!

your story interests me, so i hope you don't mind my picking your brain from time to time.

btw:  regarding your love for your ex-wife...based on my experience with my current colombian wife, any sort of feelings you have for the ex should be muted.  perhaps that won't be the case with your situation but it certainly is the case with mine...i try to think of my ex simply as a piece of wood  and i try to maintain a rather wooden demeanor while interacting with her regarding our mutual kids....i think my colombian wife appreciates that.

Fathertime!

[dennislevy]

One of the hardest things in a multi cultural relationship between a gringo and a latina is to learn to woirk together as a team and to respect the differences in the cultures.

Many Colombian women expect the gringo to bring the benefits that they didnt get with their Colombian exes....certainly economic stability and sexual fidelity are at the top of their lists.

But many have been so affeced by their experiences with Colombian men or their family culture...that they cant keep an open mind or they do things that are puzzling to a gringo who thinks logically and expresses himself openly.

The woman in Riohacha had a probem. she wanted to send her daughter to school for the semester in Valledupar She didnt have enough cash on hand....it was 80,00 pesos, like 42 dollars OK; no big deal,

I said look I ll give you the money so your daughter can go to school. She insisted that it would be a loan and I said, if you want you can pay me when you have the money, (that was to acknowlege her pride) that is up to you but I consider it as a gift to help you .

I didn expect the money, believe me. Two days later she had to send money to her daughter for school supplies, it was 70,000 pesos....and she had it. So we go to a Servitrega office, and she gets on line and I plop down in a chair. She gets up the window.....talks to the clerk and she comes over to me and says do you have 10,000 pesos....I forgot that there is a charge to send the money. OK...I give her the 10,000 pesos, but I know that the charge isnt any more then 4.5%, like a bit  over 3,000 pesos....and I never saw the 7,000 pesos in change. wI didnt say anuthing but I remembered.

But a week later she bought a me as a decent bottle of cologne and a baseball hat. And it was  her gift to me her way of saying thank you.
And quite often a relationship with a Colombiana invoves an exchange of signals and gifts...its not aobout literal honesty as Americans would define it.

A woman who tries to ocnterol a relationship with a man is a different story. I will not let a woman control me, I will share or give what I have but I decide how and when I want to do it.

The reason I live in Colombia is I would never want to take the risk that orlandoguringoand so many have taken...to bring a Colombian woman into US culture. Soem guys have done it successfully. Uc and resercher and others  and they have my admiration...but me...I woould  rather  fail here and go on to the next one...until I find one who wants to be with me for the right reasons and she can understand that she also has ot have patience with me in the the difference in cultures.

[fathertime]

The reason I live in Colombia is I would never want to take the risk that orlandoguringoand so many have taken...to bring a Colombian woman into US culture. Soem guys have done it successfully. Uc and resercher and others  and they have my admiration...but me...I woould  rather  fail here and go on to the next one...until I find one who wants to be with me for the right reasons and she can understand that she also has ot have patience with me in the the difference in cultures.

oh come on dennislevy, you don't have to justify why you are living in colombia...but i do have a hard time believing your reasoning here....why can't you just admit you are enjoying going out with 100's of attractive women?  that is something that would not be able to do here in USA.
i'm not saying that you are lying because i believe you are an honest person, i just think you have rationalized your being in colombia, but i don't think you need to do that!  if you were to say that PART OF THE REASON you are living in colombia is that you don't want to bring a woman back and fail, then i'd buy that, but i simply can't believe that is the ENTIRE REASON. 

anywhoo good luck with the wife-hunting, as always!

Fathertime! 

[OrlandoGringo]

Dennis I would love to live in Colombia provided I could have Direct TV for all of the American sports.  My parents are in their late 70's and they depend on me for many things.  I can't leave.  I sure would have had a lot of fun dating many, many Colombian women. 

[OrlandoGringo]

OG,

Welcome to the board, best of luck to you with your new girl.


Ray

Thanks Ray!

[OrlandoGringo]

Hey Father, your message makes sense to me.  One time I was expressing some frustration regarding my ex with my fiance.  My fiance made some impolite remarks regarding my ex and so I very gently let her know that I do not hate my ex and that, in fact, I care about and love her but in the way one loves their sister.  I also reminded her that she is the mother of my son and that my son loves his mother infinitely and that it's better for all of us that we not harbor any bitterness and all try to get along.  Going forward I'll keep any complaints about the ex to myself.    

[OrlandoGringo]

I just wanted to add something else that might be slightly off-topic and I would NEVER express this to my fiance as I would not to risk making her feel bad.  But I feel like there will always be an empty place in my heart where my ex used to be.  Even though I know that it was right to get the divorce I will forever regret that we were unable to make it work.  Her and I both worked really hard and tried and tried and tried but it just didn't work.  I don't know if any of you here can relate to this.  I've moved on and I'm happy but I wish we could have worked. 

[ignorante]

I also reminded her that she is the mother of my son and that my son loves his mother infinitely and that it's better for all of us that we not harbor any bitterness and all try to get along.  Going forward I'll keep any complaints about the ex to myself.    

  It is a good way to approach the matter, OrlandoGringo.

[utopiacowboy]

I'm with you, OrlandoGringo. My ex-wife lives in the same small South Texas town that we do and we get along very well. In fact we usually celebrate holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas at her house. Now that we are not married our relationship is a lot better and I can say that I have never lost my love for her. Relationships are like bridges - they have different weight limits as to the load they can carry. We are very good friends even though our marriage was unsatisfactory in many ways.