Cautious... but hopeful.

[Jedironin]

Hi all, trying something new here. Not sure how much to say for my first post here, besides, "Hope, as ever, doth spring eternal."

I've been single for far too long, tried many different "dating" sites and I'm totally fed-up with busting scammers. At least I'm good at it after so much practice... 

Anyone else here ever been told, "You're a great guy, and very nice. You deserve better than me. I just want to be friends..." by more than one g/f?

I'm hoping to get away from the "dating" sites, and see if I can find a way for a more serious search for someone special. Is this it...?? No, I don't expect results in a month, hehe. 

I've had several different professions, such as OTR truck driver and computer administrator. I've traveled quite a bit- I've seen most of the US, parts of Canada, and I've visited Scotland, Finland, Germany, southern France the Eastern Mediterranian, and the Galapagos. (I'm not wealthy, but my family and I would save up for a while, then take a nice trip. I've also traveled some because I work for a global company.) I have a variety of interests, but would really like someone special to share them with. I'm losing my enthusiasm for activities because I'm tired of always doing things alone.

I've read the Rules (thanks Dan!) and many of the introductions. I "think" I'm mostly interested in an Asian lady, they have always had a certain appeal to me that I can't quite describe. One of my friends has a Philipino wife and she is as great as some of the ones the members here have described! I do have a strong interest in Japan, personally, having earned a black belt in a Japanese martial art. I don't speak, read or understand much Japanese yet, but would like to learn someday... I learned some Spanish, French and German while in HS and college, but that was long ago and far away...

Anyone in the audience still awake?     All for now, looking forward (cautiously) to what this site has to offer, and what I can offer in return.

"Jedironin" has various meanings for me that all work together...   

[Dave H]

Hey Jedironin,

Welcome to P-L!

Anyone else here ever been told, "You're a great guy, and very nice. You deserve better than me. I just want to be friends..." by more than one g/f?

No, can't say that I have.  But I was a nice guy! My breakups (Latinas) were usually expressed by flying objects or weapons and me hauling azz!  

Good Luck,

Dave

[Jeff S]

Hi Jedironin and welcome. If you're getting a lot of: "you're a great guy and lets be friends," you actually are the typical "nice guy" that AW find totally boring. I know because I was one too. Here's a great craigslist rant that deals with the subject: http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/483318927.html

The good news, is that nice guys in Asia are revered not scorned. In Latin America you have to play games, but in Asia you can be yourself. Your "nice guy" persona will be an asset, not a liability that it is here.

I also initially became interested in Japan through martial arts, then started going there in the late 1970s on business. Learning Japanese grammar and pronunciation is quite simple, so it's not hard to speak basic Japanese. There are only two tenses, no pronouns, no genders, extremely simple verb conjugation, no irregular verbs, and lots of other simplifications that western languages don't have. There are also only about 20,000 words in the language as compared to 300,000+ in English. The richness in the language comes from the use of idiomatic expressions. There are many English words or shortened English words in the language. Television is telebee, department store is deepato, and apartment is apato, and there are tons of onomatopoeias too, whose meanings are obvious. Wa-wan is a dog, nya-nya is cat, zaaaaa is a hard rain, and so on, so much of the language is not a problem. It is also easy to get around in Japan, and most people speak some English, and just about everyone reads it. I dated one young lady for several weeks on one of my business trips back in my single days, with whom we only wrote notes back and forth to communicate. All of the main signs in the train stations and such are bi-lingual.

You won't find many scammers in Japan. Often women you meet will come from a richer family than yours - but that's OK - it's not an issue and you almost never have a princess on your hands. Few are desperate to get out or looking for an ATM machine to take care of their parents. There is a more blase attitude about the trappings of wealth - many quite well-off people live what you might consider very ordinary lives. so your earning power isn't as big an issue there than it is here or in some other places. From your experience in Martial arts, I'm sure you understand that Japanese are disciplined, patient, and formal and consistent in their approach to everything. These are great wifely qualities, though you have to be prepared for it and it has to fit your lifestyle.

I'm not qualified to talk much about Filipinas but most of the guys here can speak with authority on the issue.

Hang out with us for a while and you'll learn LOTS.

- Jeff

[ignorante]

Hi Jedironin and welcome. If you're getting a lot of: "you're a great guy and lets be friends, you actually are the typical "nice guy" that AW find totally boring. I know because I was one too. Here's a great craigslist rant that deals with the subject: http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/483318927.html

Ha!     Thanks for posting that link!

[Jedironin]

^ Agreed! Thanks for that link, Jeff! 

[z_k_g]

The good news, is that nice guys in Asia are revered not scorned. In Latin America you have to play games, but in Asia you can be yourself. Your "nice guy" persona will be an asset, not a liability that it is here.

Hi Jedironin and welcome!

Jeff is right on point here!  Japan is a great place to start, very few scammers there, and the women are beautiful!

The Philippines is also a great place, a virtual candy store, but the women are not affluent and family support is considered a part of the package, but every situation is slightly different.

Good luck.

Zulu

[robert angel]

Welcome Jedironin,

Glad you're here. Sounds like you've been to a lot of interesting places and we can learn things from you too. I always felt that traveling overseas really opens up your mind, making you smarter in ways that any number of brain cells alone can't do in the same way. I would think that traveling to Asia would provide a wide additional variety to those past experiences in a very new light.

I learn something new and interesting almost everytime I come here. Reading For instance, Jeff's post above really surprised me. Not only did I think I'd never have a chance at finding a mate in Japan because I thought we are ( or me anyways) so different than each other in USA versus Japanese culture,  and in 'proper' manners (I just can't imagine some one in even a fast food Japanese restaurant there saying "Can I supersize that for you?", but I also thought in my narrow minded head--NO way, I'd EVER get the hang of their Japanese language. Then Jeff finally mentions that the language isn't THAT complicated--that it's basically about 20,000 words. Hell, I have at least that many swear words alone I use with my two teenage sons!

Sure I know that many Japanese have a fascination with American culture and that I was probably psyching myself out, but I basically felt I'd be out of my league there. I could be totally wrong. I do find the women there very attractive and if respect and honor do indeed mean as much as I've heard they do over there, better still.

Plus the pronunciation of the words Jeff describes and how it relates to the words seems kind of like the word/speak Pebbles and Bam Bam from the Flintstones used. I thought the only the only things I could say that a Japanese person would understand were 'Pokemon', 'Digimon', 'Naruto'. 'Hello Kitty', 'Honda' and 'Toyota'...

Now, I tend to think I'd do better there than the in France, where they look with great disdain on people who even try to speak their language, but haven't mastered it.

Nonetheless, I think I'd probably be more comfortable in  the Philippines, language and culturally. One thing you've got to be ready for up front though, if you decide to try the Philippines on for size, is that there's a lot of poverty and it's not nearly as clean as other counties--more poor, more dirt and debris, etc. But even with the poverty, for whatever reason, the people seem so damn happy, I just can't get a grip on why--with no job or maybe a menial job, often with health problems, the people laugh, enjoy being with each other, meeting new people and instead of dwelling on what they might not have, are grateful for what they DO have. There's smiles, laughter, music and the scent of food almost everywhere. In the cities, beggars are a sad and common sight--just realize you have to say 'no' more often than give money away.

And overall, the Filipinos--they're generally much nicer and happier than the average 'rich' person around where I live--actually a few neighborhoods away..

I may risk over generalizing, but in the Philippines, it seems to me that many of the things that kind of drive so called first world nations a bit batty--such as working so hard to make so much money and then having little time to spend and enjoy it--the rapid pace of every day activities where the children are removed from parents in a world of facebook, X box live and other things that preoccupy them, but remove them from family interaction, the Filipino thrives on mixing it up--eating, laughing and talking with others--kids, grown ups and old folks too. I don't recall seeing a nursing home over there--they love and take care of their own.. In short, they're usually not caught up in the rat race, they value human interaction and while they might not be rich in money, they're rich in togetherness.


It seems we value THINGS at least as much as people, and that many of us here know the "price of everything--but the value of nothing" --and what we have has probably been bought on credit anyway. Over there, it's more like valuing each other, not counting things so much and sharing what you might have.


As others have posted, you should be aware that when you find a gal (process of studious elimination) she'll be all over you like white on rice and it'll be hard to get away and visit other babes--not that you should need to if you did your 'homework' up front.. It will crush any good gal who gets her hopes up and then feels like a throwaway. Chances are, it'll be known by her friends and family, making it even worse, much worse than in the USA.

Hopefully, you'll take the time to find a gal who's a pretty sure bet and along the way in chatrooms, make some connections who will broaden your understanding of how things work and ladies available. Make a plan of what you think you want and then be prepared to be a bit flexible.

I didn't want a wife quite as young and pretty as I ended up with (I know that sounds weird) because I wanted a long lasting marriage and thought that logic would help, but after years of refusing to commit, I ended up with my current wife, who's been great. Not what I expected, but once I realized my family and her family thought we were fine, I went ahead and we took the jump.

I lost a lot of sleep thinking about it, and then if you marry a much younger woman, you may find yourself still losing more sleep together, after you get married! So plan, but sometimes things do vary from the best made plans.

 For instance, way back when, I met a Filipina a bit older than myself and we became friends on line, chatting about everything imaginable. She's happily married to a Merchant Mariner, but after she sensed I was OK, she told me if I ever needed to find someone to take me around, she'd be helpful. She basically was very honest and upfront. She said that if I was serious about marriage, she'd introduce me to  2 or 3 women, but that I MUST be serious about and that I should really take the time to find the ONE who I felt was best.

I think meeting two women you consider 'marriage material' is trouble and if you try that with THREE, it's triple trouble and the closer their proximity to each other--the greater the problems. Plus, you don't want to go over there to break hearts--you want to find a great one to take home--and I mean ONE..

Plan two, was she had some ladies she knew who were , shall we say 'good clean fun'--but not necessarily 'marriage material'--not ready for that--who would travel with me for 2 or three week, with, shall we say--'side benefits' .

Then, she said that there were always women who on the drop of a hat, would go on a date, with a decent Kano who came along and while she didn't encourage me going that way, it was possible.

In the end, I focused on one girl who another gal, a Filipina living in the states, introduced me too and after about 5 years of patience, we got married.

I think finding ONE gal and focusing on her is great--one gal--one trip, if possible.

It's great, but not always possible, for someone to set up an introduction.  Without that, work online, make yahoo messenger friends and see who's true blue--there when they say they're going to be and w/o a new excuse every time she might miss something. Consistency and patience are the key here. It can take a long tie to find out that you're being played. You can chat her when you're awake and when you're sleeping, she could have a beau in Australia--12 time zones away. You always find out eventually, but there are subtle, as well as strong signs you'll learn as you 'social net work' in Asia for a while


Yea--the chat sights--Fil Cupid and Cherry Blossoms, to name a couple, are fun and a lot of guys who did their homework struck gold there, but the main thing is that you don't rush in.

So you read the rules here at Planet Love, Jedironin? hey--could you send me a copy? hey, hey--I guess I--and most of the other eggs in here, stay within the rules, but I think we do bend them a wee bit from time to time!

Good luck, man!

Rob

[CeeTeeEnn]

hi Jedironin... Yes i have been told on several occasions that "you're a really nice guy but I'm not good enough for you" and "I hope you find someone right for you" in the times I have chatted with Asian girls; I have never heard this from Latinas. I used to show my sympathetic side when I encountered messages of this nature, but I don't anymore - life's too short. In my experience if a girl says she's not good enough for you in 95% of cases she is right, and the residual 5% of cases aren't worth chasing down. I say my goodbyes and remove her from my chat lists.

Dating sites aren't all bad - there are plenty of good ones with higher percentages of serious users than the Blossoms and Cupids of this world. Some sites don't charge girls for membership but do charge us guys (Blossoms is one - no doubt P-L members can quote others.) This is understandable when the site is aimed at introducing girls from countries where there is real poverty, but of course it can attract undesireables like scammers and timewasters who clog up the database with dishonest, incomplete or dormant profiles. Nevertheless, like you say these profiles can usually be identified and avoided easily enough.

Generally speaking, the greater the depth of search options a site offers (in some cases touching on religious, political, relationship and even sexual matters) the higher the quality of clientelle it will attract, and the easier it is to weed out timewasters. I recently came across a good 100% free site called OKcupid that offers this; unfortunately it hasn't caught on in Latin America or Asia just yet... 

[thekfc]

Welcome Jedironin to P-L.

I too have gotten the "you're a really nice guy" speech on many occasions - I think most of us do.

Jeff S & Robert have said it all - we are all here to help, just ask away.

[fathertime]

Though I happen to be a very nice guy (sometimes), I don't know that I have ever heard what a 'nice guy' I am from a woman I was dating/seeing, .  If you hear that early and often, it is a wise choice to give the Asian ladies a go, as it may fit your personality better. Many latinas will walk all over 'nice guys', even if that is exactly what they want.   I think latinas appreciate nice guys but just prefer men to start out a little more hard nosed.  

Fathertime!

[Jedironin]

Thanks for all replies, folks! 

I'm doing a lot of reading here, and still learning how this forum is set up...

[Ray]

Welcome Jedironin,

Glad you're here. Sounds like you've been to a lot of interesting places and we can learn things from you too. I always felt that traveling overseas really opens up your mind, making you smarter in ways that any number of brain cells alone can't do in the same way. I would think that traveling to Asia would provide a wide additional variety to those past experiences in a very new light.

I learn something new and interesting almost everytime I come here. Reading For instance, Jeff's post above really surprised me. Not only did I think I'd never have a chance at finding a mate in Japan because I thought we are ( or me anyways) so different than each other in USA versus Japanese culture,  and in 'proper' manners (I just can't imagine some one in even a fast food Japanese restaurant there saying "Can I supersize that for you?", but I also thought in my narrow minded head--NO way, I'd EVER get the hang of their Japanese language. Then Jeff finally mentions that the language isn't THAT complicated--that it's basically about 20,000 words. Hell, I have at least that many swear words alone I use with my two teenage sons!

Sure I know that many Japanese have a fascination with American culture and that I was probably psyching myself out, but I basically felt I'd be out of my league there. I could be totally wrong. I do find the women there very attractive and if respect and honor do indeed mean as much as I've heard they do over there, better still.

Plus the pronunciation of the words Jeff describes and how it relates to the words seems kind of like the word/speak Pebbles and Bam Bam from the Flintstones used. I thought the only the only things I could say that a Japanese person would understand were 'Pokemon', 'Digimon', 'Naruto'. 'Hello Kitty', 'Honda' and 'Toyota'...

Now, I tend to think I'd do better there than the in France, where they look with great disdain on people who even try to speak their language, but haven't mastered it.

Nonetheless, I think I'd probably be more comfortable in  the Philippines, language and culturally. One thing you've got to be ready for up front though, if you decide to try the Philippines on for size, is that there's a lot of poverty and it's not nearly as clean as other counties--more poor, more dirt and debris, etc. But even with the poverty, for whatever reason, the people seem so damn happy, I just can't get a grip on why--with no job or maybe a menial job, often with health problems, the people laugh, enjoy being with each other, meeting new people and instead of dwelling on what they might not have, are grateful for what they DO have. There's smiles, laughter, music and the scent of food almost everywhere. In the cities, beggars are a sad and common sight--just realize you have to say 'no' more often than give money away.

And overall, the Filipinos--they're generally much nicer and happier than the average 'rich' person around where I live--actually a few neighborhoods away..

I may risk over generalizing, but in the Philippines, it seems to me that many of the things that kind of drive so called first world nations a bit batty--such as working so hard to make so much money and then having little time to spend and enjoy it--the rapid pace of every day activities where the children are removed from parents in a world of facebook, X box live and other things that preoccupy them, but remove them from family interaction, the Filipino thrives on mixing it up--eating, laughing and talking with others--kids, grown ups and old folks too. I don't recall seeing a nursing home over there--they love and take care of their own.. In short, they're usually not caught up in the rat race, they value human interaction and while they might not be rich in money, they're rich in togetherness.


It seems we value THINGS at least as much as people, and that many of us here know the "price of everything--but the value of nothing" --and what we have has probably been bought on credit anyway. Over there, it's more like valuing each other, not counting things so much and sharing what you might have.


As others have posted, you should be aware that when you find a gal (process of studious elimination) she'll be all over you like white on rice and it'll be hard to get away and visit other babes--not that you should need to if you did your 'homework' up front.. It will crush any good gal who gets her hopes up and then feels like a throwaway. Chances are, it'll be known by her friends and family, making it even worse, much worse than in the USA.

Hopefully, you'll take the time to find a gal who's a pretty sure bet and along the way in chatrooms, make some connections who will broaden your understanding of how things work and ladies available. Make a plan of what you think you want and then be prepared to be a bit flexible.

I didn't want a wife quite as young and pretty as I ended up with (I know that sounds weird) because I wanted a long lasting marriage and thought that logic would help, but after years of refusing to commit, I ended up with my current wife, who's been great. Not what I expected, but once I realized my family and her family thought we were fine, I went ahead and we took the jump.

I lost a lot of sleep thinking about it, and then if you marry a much younger woman, you may find yourself still losing more sleep together, after you get married! So plan, but sometimes things do vary from the best made plans.

 For instance, way back when, I met a Filipina a bit older than myself and we became friends on line, chatting about everything imaginable. She's happily married to a Merchant Mariner, but after she sensed I was OK, she told me if I ever needed to find someone to take me around, she'd be helpful. She basically was very honest and upfront. She said that if I was serious about marriage, she'd introduce me to  2 or 3 women, but that I MUST be serious about and that I should really take the time to find the ONE who I felt was best.

I think meeting two women you consider 'marriage material' is trouble and if you try that with THREE, it's triple trouble and the closer their proximity to each other--the greater the problems. Plus, you don't want to go over there to break hearts--you want to find a great one to take home--and I mean ONE..

Plan two, was she had some ladies she knew who were , shall we say 'good clean fun'--but not necessarily 'marriage material'--not ready for that--who would travel with me for 2 or three week, with, shall we say--'side benefits' .

Then, she said that there were always women who on the drop of a hat, would go on a date, with a decent Kano who came along and while she didn't encourage me going that way, it was possible.

In the end, I focused on one girl who another gal, a Filipina living in the states, introduced me too and after about 5 years of patience, we got married.

I think finding ONE gal and focusing on her is great--one gal--one trip, if possible.

It's great, but not always possible, for someone to set up an introduction.  Without that, work online, make yahoo messenger friends and see who's true blue--there when they say they're going to be and w/o a new excuse every time she might miss something. Consistency and patience are the key here. It can take a long tie to find out that you're being played. You can chat her when you're awake and when you're sleeping, she could have a beau in Australia--12 time zones away. You always find out eventually, but there are subtle, as well as strong signs you'll learn as you 'social net work' in Asia for a while


Yea--the chat sights--Fil Cupid and Cherry Blossoms, to name a couple, are fun and a lot of guys who did their homework struck gold there, but the main thing is that you don't rush in.

So you read the rules here at Planet Love, Jedironin? hey--could you send me a copy? hey, hey--I guess I--and most of the other eggs in here, stay within the rules, but I think we do bend them a wee bit from time to time!

Good luck, man!

Rob

SHYT!

For a change I decided to actually read an entire post by Robert.

It took a while to get through it all, but I finally realized that Robert actually knows what he is talking about sometimes. Good post Rob!

Ray

[robert angel]

WHAT??--You mean you haven't been reading ALL of my love letters here Ray??

Jedironin--You have to realize that Ray's the 'new guy' here, and while you're sending me the P-L rules--CC him a copy too, please! -Also---send Fathertime a copy on the Latin Board!

Really--down the line, if you decide to pursue an Asian gal and bring her on home--probably after a trip or two to Asia--Ray, William 3rd, Dave H and on the China front, Capstone and JM-21 (Taiwan) are the 'go to' guys, for the 'nuts and bolts' details plus a couple free websites (P-L being #1) will come in handy, and to a lesser extent, the rest of the P-L coconuts and I...

Enjoy the adventure--the best part of the honeymoon/'marriage' is sometimes before the marriage, even when you end up with a great marriage! You go from all lovey dovey--everything's a new adventure, to being legally documented as being 'committed'.

Then again, if you're going to be 'committed', marriage is as good an institution to be in as any,if you choose right...

[Jeff S]

Just so you know, Robert - it's pronounced "Herro Kitty"

[Jedironin]

One of my friends growing up always used to say "Haro" as a greeting. Not meant as a slight, just something unique. She was Greek, actually...

[z_k_g]

Robert, I always read your entire posts!!   

Zulu

[jm21-2]

Jeff's right, Japanese is not that difficult of a language to learn. To learn it fluently and be able to use all the different levels of politeness would be a bit of work, but that's not really necessary for just getting around. I've forgotten almost all the Japanese I learned but was able to get around fine when I was in Narita for a day. Most people speak a small amount of English too. Japanese classes tend to not really teach you normal conversational Japanese so might not be that useful. I remember in college I practiced my Japanese with some exchange students and they thought the way I had learned to say things was kind of stilted and cold, like as if you were talking with a stranger instead of a friend.

Now Mandarin, there's an intimidating language to learn...I got the rosetta stone cds and listening to the first 15 minutes or so I started feeling totally hopeless.

The long distance part is really wearing on me. I was planning on visiting my fiance again next month but don't think the budget will allow it. It's 4 months since I've seen her and the lack of physical contact is kind of depressing. I talk with her basically every day for several hours when I get home from work so don't really have much to do to unwind...talking with her is great and all but I prefer to have a bit of time to cook something, have a leisurely dinner, watch a couple tv shows...that sort of thing. It's a very frustrating process and USCIS taking forever to process visas doesn't make it any easier.

[Bob_S]

I don't know that I have ever heard what a 'nice guy' I am from a woman I was dating/seeing, .  If you hear that early and often, it is a wise choice to give the Asian ladies a go, as it may fit your personality better. Many latinas will walk all over 'nice guys', even if that is exactly what they want.

Welcome, ronin-san.  And I agree with FT.  If you get the "nice guy" tag, then Asia is your destination.  It is generally more appreciated there.  That's not to say there aren't those ladies who won't take advantage of you.  Such women exist everywhere.  But more often than other places, your efforts will be reciprocated, not exploited.

For a change I decided to actually read an entire post by Robert.

Really?  I can barely handle one of his long posts per day.  Not that I necessarily disagree with what he says.  It can be interesting and useful.  It just makes my eyes hurt.     

[Jedironin]

I think I will also have a hard time with the long-distance aspect of this, as jm says above. I understand exactly what he's talking about there... If things go well, though, I hope to find a way to make it work.    Part of that feeling, though, is because I've dealt with sooo many scammers (esp. from asianfriendfinder, which I was only on for a month... busted over 30 scammers from UK and Nigeria/Ghana and quit in disgust), I want to talk to someone IN PERSON to verify they ARE who they say they are.

I've also been reading up about the ladies getting homesick... I am not sure how I would feel about taking a lady away from everything she knows to bring her to the US...    Obviously others have worked that out okay, so there is hope! 

I guess I'll try out dateinasia first, and see what I turn up there, I've read up on that site from the boards here.

[Jeff S]

Another positive aspect of dating Japanese girls: Not only can you visit them, but they can easily visit you, and sometimes don't mind paying for the trip themselves. Japanese are eager travelers and they just show up at the airport with a passport, like you traveling there or Europe. The US visa is pretty much automatic (unless they've abused it in the past.) My wife visited me twice when we were dating on her nickel (at least the travel part.) I picked up the expenses when she was here.

Yes, homesickness is an issue but it fades with time. Eventually, you'll probably want to spend at least part time in your wife's country anyway. Some guys move there - like Dave H, some split time, like William, some just make visits, but plan to split time in the future, like me.

[thekfc]

and to a lesser extent, the rest of the P-L coconuts and I...

Who u calling a coconut......I am a banana - I have papers from Bellevue to prove it.  

[Jedironin]

^ Yinz're all nuts, ya know that?  N-V-T-S ... nuts!    (extra points if you know what movie that's from!)

I need to go check the Rules... am I allowed to de-rail my own thread? 

[thekfc]

I don't think any thread stays on topic 

[z_k_g]

I'm a Walnut!

Zulu

[z_k_g]

I guess I'll try out dateinasia first, and see what I turn up there, I've read up on that site from the boards here.

DIA, dateinasia.com is a circus, but....there are some gems!  All of the website have scammers but at least DIA is free!

Weed out process!!

Zulu