Things to discuss and work out before marriage....

[robert angel]

I thought I pretty much discussed, even exposed,(OK, guys--don't run with that) just about everything about myself to my now wife, in a searching 'self inventory' (and the silly lil thing STILL married me--haha) and I also thought that I asked her about everything I needed to know about her and got solid answers.

I still think it was a good idea, but you can't cover everything. I know I didn't and people can and will change anyways.

Of course you probably should discuss the obvious, namely sex, money, work, and religion, but there are layers of depth among those topics and other things to ask and find out about as well.

What things do you think you should ask about? Are there things you don't want to tell her or ask her about? Are certain things 'better left unsaid'?

Do you think discussing things like this might save you trouble down the line?

[jm21-2]

Do not have too many beers and discuss why you want to buy a house before marrying because it will be your separate property and your future wife won't get any of it...hahaha...

[robert angel]

Good one, Jm--great to hear from you too. Hope things are working out. I thought maybe I worded this post too deep--but aha--a good way to get you back in!


I've said that sometimes things worse than outright lies are actually 'things left unsaid' --things that come out later and hurt.

But not talking about your rationale for buying a house before marrying someone to the gal you might marry seems prudent--perhaps even gallant.

Otherwise, you run the risk of appearing to be preparing for the divorce before the marriage, something many of us do, consciously and/or unconsciously.

[jm21-2]

Actually since the visa denial I have been trying to figure out different ways to tell if she might like sailing. Looks like we might have an opportunity to meet in canada in August to test it out, but who knows. I know it wouldn't be a big deal to most people, but it is to me. My dream would be to sail around the world and it's a huge part of my life. Perhaps more importantly I love being in remote places and enjoying nature, which spans a great number of activities.

After thinking about it a bit, I decided to attack it from a different angle. Maybe I won't be able to see her reaction to anchoring out a few days in a remote bay, but certainly there must be some indicators she may be a good sailor, right?

So I thought about the people I or my parents knew who were horrible sailors/campers and couldn't stand being in remote places. My parents have ruined a few friendships taking their friends out sailing/camping to remote locations only to discover they hated it. So what makes a person hate doing something like that? What makes a person like doing something like that? I'm slowly beginning to break things down.

So I began to think about the things people hate bout sailing (can't entertain themselves, need other people around, etc.) and the things I and other people love about sailing (laying in the sun and reading a good book, eating a quiet dinner in lamplight, etc.).

So now I am asking questions I hadn't really thought of before. Asking about her reading habits (more subtle than that) and what kind of books she likes to read. Proposing scenarios, talking about my dreams, could she live without a hot shower for a day or two, would she rather be hooked in to modern society or does that beach look amazingly beautiful? Would she rather work her butt off in a 1st word country with all the amenities or semi-retire to a poor country? Lots of different angles to approach from if you break things down.

Sorry if this is all nonsensical gibberish or if it is so dead obvious I'm the only gut who didn't think of it from the start. In any case good luck to all.

EDIT:
Actually one of my goals is to semi-retire fairly young. After doing a lot of calculations I realized that probably the biggest expense in my life could be supporting kids in college. An extremely long way off to me but nice to know how she feels about it.

[Jeff S]

Soooo - how are your celestial navigation skills? Good enough to do a noon sun shot within 5 miles?

[jm21-2]

Soooo - how are your celestial navigation skills? Good enough to do a noon sun shot within 5 miles?

My celestial navigation skills are about nil right now. A sextant is more expensive than a GPS device which spoils me.

[Woody]

So how do you guys avoid the subject of money? I've made the mistake of getting into monetary conversations in the past and that pretty much sours the relationship for me. I start talking and realize that I revealed too much and it is too late. I now have her thinking dollar signs and really wanting the relationship to work. Couple that with the part where I plan on moving to South America permanently in the next six years(retired, only working doing the things that I love to do, not for money) and it becomes a difficult topic to sweep under the rug.

I suppose I could just lie about my work and future plans. I could just say that I make a mediocre income and don't have a long term life plan, but I hate lying.

[Woody]

I suppose I could just lie about my work and future plans. I could just say that I make a mediocre income and don't have a long term life plan, but I hate lying.

Well, I did some thinking on the subject and I came up with a solution which requires misdirection but no lying. I can still talk about moving to Colombia permanently and mention teaching and photography. Just not mention that these are work for pleasure, not work for survival. Let her assume that I will not be earning a lot of money and never correct that assumption.

[z_k_g]

In terms of discussing things with your potential mate, these are the items that I think are critical to discuss in terms of your past and how you handled these in relationships and in the future on how you will deal with these issues with her. 

I figure most of us, except for the newbies who haven't been married, have enough experience to understand the importance of  actually focusing on these matters up front.  Contrary to popular belief, marriages are business relationships, even with a foreign bride, so you must have that discussion first. 

Being in love just won't cut it.  I think the major issue that separates AmW from my choice, Filipinas, is that the former consider you a means to an end, expendable and a necessary evil.  I may be completely wrong in this assessment but its my opinion so I'm gonna express it! 

This is my short list:

1.  Money and Finances- who manages what, who makes what, whats saved, whats invested, etc
2.  Children- How many, who raises them, what country will they attend school, etc
3.  Home or housing- Where do we live, big small, rent, own, live in Asia, America
4.  Family matters- Family Support, visiting, travel,
5.  Conflict Resolution- How do we work it out when things go bad?
6.  Past relationships- Sex, Marriage, etc (this can be a touchy one so tread with caution)

During my chats/cam and phone calls when I finish with the cute talk, I always discuss some aspect of this list so we can be on the same page.

I consider this a major aspect of courtship besides the nice talks, the physical and the hypnotic nature of these beautiful filipinas!  If you pick wisely she will be able to tell you more than "I miss you", "I love you", etc.  You don't have to pick a woman with a stellar IQ just one that you can work with! 

These discussions are not easy, some subjects most of us just plain avoid.  But rest assured you will have to deal with it later!!!

My most difficult issues have been timing and when we do what.  I think we have that worked out but she is young and will change her mind I'm sure.  I am flexible, to an extent, and I understand that things change, but at least we have a road map for the relationship.  We may drift off this map and make some changes but we have a plan!! 

I think most relationships fail because  of lack of planning and one or both partners being totally selfish and having one sided agendas.

[Bob_S]

I thought I pretty much discussed, even exposed,(OK, guys--don't run with that) just about everything about myself to my now wife,

Must.....    Resist......   Urge....... to..  Post...... Snarky....... Remark......

Soooo - how are your celestial navigation skills? Good enough to do a noon sun shot within 5 miles?

He lives in Puget Sound.  I don't think the guy knows what that big bright ball in the sky is that we see every day down here.   

1.  Money and Finances- who manages what, who makes what, whats saved, whats invested, etc
2.  Children- How many, who raises them, what country will they attend school, etc
3.  Home or housing- Where do we live, big small, rent, own, live in Asia, America
4.  Family matters- Family Support, visiting, travel,
5.  Conflict Resolution- How do we work it out when things go bad?
6.  Past relationships- Sex, Marriage, etc (this can be a touchy one so tread with caution)

That's a pretty good list.  Just know the difference between "discussing" it and "dictating" it.  Don't go into this thinking you'll find a cute wife then tell her how things are going to be.  She may go along with it at first just to get her green card, then dump you for a guy she is more compatible with.  You actually need to get from her what her views are on these things if you want a marriage to last.

[robert angel]

Yes, One must know the difference between 'discussing' and 'dictating.'

Not a problem here. My wife precedes all conversations--errr 'discussions'  with a hearty salute and verbal "Hail, El Duce!" And the trains run just fine!

OK----Bob--Tryyy not to run with that one either!

[jm21-2]

Well, I did some thinking on the subject and I came up with a solution which requires misdirection but no lying. I can still talk about moving to Colombia permanently and mention teaching and photography. Just not mention that these are work for pleasure, not work for survival. Let her assume that I will not be earning a lot of money and never correct that assumption.

That is what I would do...it's back-fired on me a bit though. GF doesn't think I earn much money and is concerned if she can't find a job here I won't be able to support her. It's a delicate balance.

[bcc_1_2]

So how do you guys avoid the subject of money? I've made the mistake of getting into monetary conversations in the past and that pretty much sours the relationship for me.

You really can't. You can talk about your career and life goals though. Just discuss the type of woman you are looking for... someone not afraid to work, have kids (if you want them), and willing to live within their means. At some point you've got the challenging task of explaining all those supposed "rich" gringas with all their nice things... mainly bought them on credit.

I've always tried with my wife to explain exactly what things cost and what all goes into earning the money to pay for it. When she got to the states she thought everything was muy expensive and didn't want to buy much. You actually have to encourage her to buy a few things she'd like to have.

She wants a pad in Honduras and as she says... money dont grow on trees... so I really don't have to worry about her coming home with 3 pairs of heels that cost her $800.

[z_k_g]

That's a pretty good list.  Just know the difference between "discussing" it and "dictating" it.  Don't go into this thinking you'll find a cute wife then tell her how things are going to be.  She may go along with it at first just to get her green card, then dump you for a guy she is more compatible with.  You actually need to get from her what her views are on these things if you want a marriage to last.

I agree totally with that!

I think that when you start to have a meaningful dialog where both sides contribute, if you let her express her goals and objectives completely you will soon discover what you are working with in terms of a future mate.  Ironically this works great for both sides.  If she has options, and not a green card chaser, she may dump you!

If her answer is "what ever you want" then you probably have a green card chaser or just wife arm candy and some guys are just fine with the latter!  You can actually have the "wanna be my arm candy" discussion!!

The primary reason to have these discussions is to make sure that you are compatible and that the relationship starts out on the right footing; as much as possible is discussed. I think for each couple this discussion will be quite different but share some of the elements I mentions in my earlier post.

A guy who wants a sausage head wife that he will dictate too will have no interest in this thread.