Homesickness

[cwebb]

Hi guys my pinay has been here for 1 month now. We are getting along well. One problem keeps coming up,homesickness.It affects her mood(no kiddin right)?She does not like to talk about what bothers her.That gets me a little paranoid that I may have done something until she finally tells me the real issue her being homesick.Otherwise I feel we are very compatable.I thought homesickness may not effect her as much because her situation is a little different than most. Her brother has lived here since 1983.Her dad also lived here as well until he died 2 years ago. Mom died 2 years ago in the Philippines.Her only sibling left is her sister who lived far from her in the Philippines. Most of her friends left(nurses). Living in U.S. Canada,Europe,Middle East. So I figured(niave)that it would not be as difficult as it would for typical pinays. I also got her in a group with other married pinays that meet a few times a month. Any advice from guys with this experience would be greatly appreciated.

[Woody]

Homesickness is normal. A few things you can do to alleviate it is to give here things to hear/do/see that make here feel more at home. Filipino music, outdoor/church activities, and television can make a big difference. I think it is not so much that she is homesick, it is that she feels isolated from the world. She is in a strange, new land and doesn't really "get" it. This is where you come in. You need to be her gateway to social interaction and comfort, her rock.

[Bob_S]

Woody's right.  I mean, think about it.  Kids who move away to college, living on campus at a college in the same state will still experience homesickness.

Right now she's feeling isolated and vulnerable.  It will pass as she acclimates to her new life, learns how to get around, finds her own friends, learns where to shop for familiar comfort food.  Expect it to last anywhere from 3 to 6 months.  If she's still mopey most of the time after a year, then start to really worry.

[robert angel]

I'd encourage her not to mix with too many other Pinays here, married or otherwise. My wife keeps her circle of Pinay friends very small, as there is a lot of gossip and back biting here, materialism, comparing what one person has to another. These are things typically more problematic in the USA than 'back home' and they only make it worse.
 
If someone back home is sick or in a bad way, it's usually even tougher on a marriage. My wife's younger bro had just gotten his first ship as a merchant mariner, when his ship was seized by Somalian pirates and held in Africa for several months. That was tough, and so is the fact that her parents have a variety of health ailments--she's always trying to arrange this drug or that cure, find out about operations, etc. It's stressful.

My wife is the eldest Sister in a family of seven siblings and her one older brother doesn't do too much, so she's pretty much like a second Mom, helping put 4 siblings through college. Being the eldest sister in a traditional Filipino family definitely has it's responsibilties--actually most sisters will do anything for family--including of course the parents. That can strain a marriage, especially if you didn't discuss the extent of supporting them before you got married.

I have two teenage sons and I have to balance the attention they get with hers and she doesn't understand how teenagers here, who seem to have everything, can be so lazy and take it all for granted. My bad, maybe, but a sad reality and a real cross I have to bear.

When all that isn't a big factor, I can kind of judge how happy she is, how well our marriage is going, by how often she calls home and for how long she stays on the phone. We're well past four years married, and I wouldn't have used the number of phone calls home and how many minutes as a homesickness/happiness gauge for the first 6 to 9 months, but it is an indicator of sorts, I think.

The first months are just real hard for some, because they can't work, all the close knit interaction with familiar people--the language, the food, the media--all that's gone and she's in a whole new world. Even taking my wife to the malls here was sort of a bummer, because the malls here are like funeral homes compared to the ones back in Davao. All the silly laughter, the music, music, music, the smiling faces of thousands of poor, but nonetheless happy people jamming the malls-all the school kids in their uniforms--all the great smelling food--nowhere to be had here.

But make time to get out to Asian restaurants movies--just things you can do together--special attention and TLC and these rough months should pass OK.

[bcc_1_2]

So true... most freshman who move 30 miles for college even suffer homesickness... but once the drinking starts and the tits come out somehow they make it. 

Latinas are a lot more verbal about an issue like this and talking about it is good. Unfortunately with this filipina (maybe most?) she doesn't want to talk about it. When you bottle this kinda stuff up its going to explode later for sure.

[Ray]

Take her to Disneyland. Seriously, it really works!

She needs rice 3 times a day at first and fresh fish with heads and eyeballs.

And as Robert pointed out, be very careful of those Filipina wives’ groups. Some are OK but many are just jealous crabs. Try to participate with her so you can get to know her friends and they can get to know you. Have her invite them over to your place for fish heads. 

Normally, homesickness will pass in a few months or so.

Ray

[robert angel]

Oh yea--Disneyworld, and/or Disneyland are to Filipinas to what Mecca is to a devout Muslim. To my wife, going there was more attractive than going to NY, LA, SF, Vegas or Washington DC--in fact, we made it part of our honeymoon.

It was such a big deal to her that she didn't want to show her family all the great pictures we took, because she knew how very much they would want have been there with us.

I remember chatting Filipinas and mentioning that I was only a few hours from Disneyworld and that always made me more attractive immediately!

We haven't been yet, but there's something about Paris, France that a lot of Asians find very attractive.

Not being a big fan of French culture, I don't 'get it' but hey, we'll hopefully check it out one day and I'll get over to Italy and really practice  pinching some butt....

[crashfirepm53]

Homesickness is normal. A few things you can do to alleviate it is to give here things to hear/do/see that make here feel more at home. Filipino music, outdoor/church activities, and television can make a big difference. I think it is not so much that she is homesick, it is that she feels isolated from the world. She is in a strange, new land and doesn't really "get" it. This is where you come in. You need to be her gateway to social interaction and comfort, her rock.

Exactly. Keep her busy or occupied. Take her places, walks in the park, zoo. Go swing on a swingset at the park. Keeping her mind off her old life and more on her new life will help alot I think.. Look on Ebay. You can get magazine subscriptions cheap there. Maybe a few Filipino mags or a newspaper. Search for PH Internet sites and save them as a favorite for her. Yahoo has alot of blogs a forums for Pinays.

[Dave H]

Take her to Disneyland. Seriously, it really works!

She needs rice 3 times a day at first and fresh fish with heads and eyeballs.

And as Robert pointed out, be very careful of those Filipina wives’ groups.

Normally, homesickness will pass in a few months or so.

Ray

The above tips worked for my wife! It was great that we also lived a few hours from Disney World! Homesickness is very normal. My wife even had a sister living near us. Find a local Filipino or Asian market so that she can buy some of the food she is used to.

If you move back to the Philippines (like we did) she will miss a lot of American things, including food, clean air and surroundings, modern conveniences and labor saving devices, nice roads and usually polite drivers, peace and quiet, privacy, Disney, etc. 

Dave