Here I go....

[Freddie_May]

Hi everyone,

I've been lurking this forum for the past few months. I was reluctant at first to join in the conversation, it seems that most of the posters here are men dating or married to asian girl. And I am an asian girl who's in relationship with caucasian man. But, here I go..

My name is freddie, a 33 years old indonesian girl. Currently in africa, and will be here for another year.
Right now I am in a long distance relationship with an australian man. I've known him online for 6 years, we were just friends up till 5 months ago. I met him in person last month, and we decided to start a relationship... and that's when the headache began....

I hope you don't mind if i keep lurking here or make a post or two..



Freddie

[Ray]

Hi Freddie,

Welcome to the forum.

A woman's perspective is always welcome here, so please feel at home.

Headache? A new relationship isn't supposed to give you a headache, is it 

Ray

[jm21-2]

You're welcome to join in wherever and whenever you want. As Ray said, it's always nice to have a woman's perspective.

[Capstone]

Hi Freddie,

Welcome aboard!! I for one love to hear what women have to say about the many subjects that we discuss. We have a couple of other women posters and I always enjoy their thoughts. I am looking forward to your posts as well!!

[Bear]

Welcome Freddie.  Nice to have you here.

The Bear Family

[Jeff S]

Hi Freddie. We're happy to have you here. We have a few single Asian ladies post here from time to time. Dinda from Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia has been a regular but not much lately. Where are you in Africa? Working there now?

[Freddie_May]

Thank you, guys, for the warm welcomes.

Oh yeah, this relationship is truly giving me a headache. First of all coz im not sure i want to relocate to australia.
Its still a pretty young relationship, but he did ask me that.

I am in kampala, Uganda, Jeff. Yup, working.

You guys are great )

[Jeff S]

My recommendation is to not fret over it yet or give yourself a headache - just relax and let nature take its course. If you can handle Kampala, Sydney ought to be easy. Most Americans, if they know anything about Uganda at all, have only heard of Entebbe - and that might just be scary.

Looking forward to your feminine point of view.

- Jeff

[Dave H]

Hi Freddie,

Welcome to the board! I look forward to your posts!

Dave

[Bear]

Wow, thats your headache? Sidney?  I'd love to live there.  And you left home to work, to leave home for someone who loves you must be easier.  I've always been amazed at my wife's countrymen who seem to marry so many foreigners and travel all over the world to be with them, most only having met them once and learning about them though emails and online chats.  But then again I guess I did the same, huh!  Love every minute of it too.

The Bear Family

[Freddie_May]

Well...

I am offered another year here in africa. I could really use the money, either to open my own biz or to go back to school.
But he stated that he wouldn't wait for me for one more year. Either I go to australia with him next year or we end the relationship.
I am used of being single, I guess. Its very hard for me to include someone in my future plan.

And its not sydney...  
Its the outback!!!! He's living in the country.
I could find a job if we live in the city, but what will i do in the country ??


Freddie

[Dave H]

Hi Freddie,

"I am offered another year here in africa. I could really use the money, either to open my own biz or to go back to school."

That sounds like a better idea than depending on a man who can't wait "one more year" for you. It is much better to be self-reliant!

Dave

[Freddie_May]

I agree with you, Dave..

Will be hard to stay another year without his emotional support though..

Errr... my headache is coming back.. 

I'll try to take everything easy...

Have a great weekends, guys!!!!!!

[Bear]

"Self-reliant" or "lonely"?  Sorry he doesn't want to wait and that your choices are so tough but then thats what love, marriage and companionship is about.  He asks a lot, so see what he needs to offer a lot.  If he is not compasionate about your needs then I think you've found your answer but if he has reasonable expectations then maybe it should be.  I have heard the men of Australia are are a bit more controlling than AWs but I only know one and hes nothing to compare to since he has lived here in Houston 25 years (also married to a Filipina he met in Australia).

If I believed in superstitions I'd be dead so I'd rather believe in God.

Too bad, I've heard Sidney is great.

The Bear Family

[Ray]

Well...

I am offered another year here in africa. I could really use the money, either to open my own biz or to go back to school.
But he stated that he wouldn't wait for me for one more year. Either I go to australia with him next year or we end the relationship.
I am used of being single, I guess. Its very hard for me to include someone in my future plan.

And its not sydney...  
Its the outback!!!! He's living in the country.
I could find a job if we live in the city, but what will i do in the country ??


Freddie

That sounds like a tough decision to make Freddie.

Is he a nice guy?

Do you love him, even a little?

Will he make a good husband and father?

Do you want to have children?

If the answer to all of the above is yes, then you should really consider marriage to this man in the very near future.

At 33, you don't have a lot of time to make a family. Better start soon!

If you are a city girl and don't want to live in the outback then I guess the decision is even harder.

You asked what kind of work can you do in the country? What type of work are you doing now? What kind of education and work experience do you have?

You said you may want to start a business? How about running your own business in the outback? Maybe a restaurant, or cafe?

Ray

[Freddie_May]

Oh Guys,

He's the nicest man I've ever met. He came to Indonesia last month ( i had a month off) just to see me.
He comfortably left his phone everywhere, not that i took a peek, but it showed how he trusted me. I love that.

I've always been a self reliant person. I've prepared myself to be single forever before i met him, in person.
I had my whole life planned..
Maybe I should start making plan B...

It is tough... I really want that money, I want to improve my life with my own effort..

And I love him..

Freddie

[jm21-2]

I haven't lived in Indonesia or the outback, but you might talk with him about your work opportunities there.

In my case, I have a girlfriend in China. Most of the rural areas in China are extremely undeveloped so a Chinese girl would usually think it's the same way in other countries. But the rural areas here on the west coast of the US are very developed and the wages and jobs can be very good. Sometimes the jobs in the country pay even more than the city. I live in a small town near Seattle and she is worried she will not be able to find work outside of the heart of Seattle, but I think moving to Seattle might be difficult because it's very expensive to live there and there are no schools in the downtown area so if we had children it would be a big problem. Also, while her city has grocery vendors everywhere, Seattle has fewer and fewer, with mostly very upscale/expensive stores. So, her perception of what Seattle is like and what a small town is like is very different from the way things actually are and it can be difficult to explain.

I'd talk with him more about what you want to do and what opportunities there are in his area. You might be pleasantly surprised. Or maybe he's willing to move a little so that you can do the kind of work you want, or he can help you to start a business. Does he own a house? Is he opposed to moving a little? What kind of business do you want to open? There's also the idea of an online business.

It can definitely be hard to involve another person in your life. I am a very independent person and I can definitely understand. I have moved around a lot and thought I would settle down where I live now, but maybe I'll have to move again if I get married. Also some pressure to get married quickly because living on the other side of the world from each other is very difficult. But I'm not sure if I'm ready for marriage quite yet. But on the other hand this is the first time I've felt I had a really good relationship with a girl who seems like she would be a great wife so I don't want to give it up. It's a hard decision.

I'm not sure if this helps any, but thought I would throw in my 2 cents...

[Bob_S]

Hello, Freddie, and welcome.

But he stated that he wouldn't wait for me for one more year. Either I go to Australia with him next year or we end the relationship.

Ah, I can imagine where he is coming from.  He is probably also in his 30's or 40's, right?  So he must in a way feel his own biological clock.  He wants to get married and start a family, and if you are reluctant to go with him, he needs to drop you and look for other women who might say "yes".

I am used of being single, I guess. Its very hard for me to include someone in my future plan.

Well, you must ask yourself the same kind of question I asked my then girl friend before she became my wife.  I asked, which would you miss more, me or Japan?  She said she would miss me more.  So which would you miss more, your single life or him?

And its not Sydney...  
Its the outback!!!! He's living in the country.
I could find a job if we live in the city, but what will i do in the country ??

It is reasonable for you to not want to live in the outback if that is not your thing.  Some women think it is great, and some do not.  But in any case, you are well in your rights to put some qualifiers in your answer.  You can say, I will marry you on one condition: I cannot live in the outback.  We must live in or near one of the bigger cities.  It could be a suburb of Melbourne or Perth or wherever, you don't care.  Just as long as you can get some contact with similar type women.  It is not such a terrible thing to ask.  And if he says No, then you know where you really stand with him.

[Freddie_May]

Thank you everyone, for great inputs.

I've made my decision, I decided not to take another year in africa.

I don't know what will happen to this relationship, but I want to try this, I want to give "us" a chance.

I really appreciate everyone's supports, thank you again.


Freddie

[Ray]

I don't know what will happen to this relationship, but I want to try this, I want to give "us" a chance.

That's the spirit!

Did you investigate the possibility of visiting him in Australia to see where he lives and take a look around first?

Let us know how things progress, O.K.?

Ray

[piglett]

Welcome aboard Freddie


piglett

[Cbear]

Freddie, Make sure this is for marriage, don't go on a trial run.

What I am saying is that you didn't mention that he asked marriage of you but that he just wanted you to come be with him in Australia. Maybe I mis-read it but don't go to be a live in and play house with this man. Only go if he is truly going to marry you.

What if you give up your job and he has you for a little while without marriage and then changes his mind? I don't know him but it has happened before. Make him put that ring on your finger as fast as possible. If he loves you I am sure he will. Besides you have known each other a long time so he already knows everything he needs to know to make his decision to marry you.

BTW, I have known my GF for only 10 months now and we got engaged last month, we will be married next summer, I can't wait !!!!

[Freddie_May]

Thank you, Piglett for the welcome

****************

Thank you, Cbear 

We are thinking about it.

Right now my concern is visa and all the little things, like.. what if i don't like it there, what if we won't get along so well in everyday life, what if he has some annoying habits that i don't know of..

We met in real, but I still think we need more time to get to know each others.


Freddie

[Jeff S]

I'd also like to welcome you Feddie and say that we're all happy to have you here, and hear your point of view.

If you don't mind a little advice from a long married person in an cross cultural family - There will be things about "there" that you won't like. You won't get along as well every day as you do online or during the occasional visit and there WILL be little annoying things about him that will irritate you. No need to worry that these things might happen - they will happen for sure. How you deal with them (and how he deals with the very same things about you) will determine the success or failure of your marriage and if it just gets better and better every day or turns into hell on earth.  That's just the way it is - a journey, not a destination.

- Jeff

[Dave H]

If you don't mind a little advice from a long married person in an cross cultural family - There will be things about "there" that you won't like.

- Jeff

Hey Jeff,

Very true! I spent the first 4 years of my marriage signalling my wife to come over to me with my palm up, using my index finger or all of my fingers. A VERY BIG NO NO in  the Philippines!  Always palm down moving the fingers up and down like waving bye bye.

Dave