Questions about cutural behavior

[Heruamen]

My girl has the most irritating habit of hanging up on me(The phone,or if we are on the computer she will just go offline) if she is mad.  Then I try to call her back and she wont answer for awhile.   This drives me nuts.  Sometimes it is over something silly and small. I am wondering is this part of tampo or her own attitude.  Whichever one it is getting tiresome because if we have an issue to talk out, it does not good when one party just hangs up the phone. just wondering is this a cultural thing or is it her.  Then when she calms and see that I am not happy about what she did, she begs me not to leaver her?

[Ray]

My girl has the most irritating habit of hanging up on me(The phone,or if we are on the computer she will just go offline) if she is mad.  Then I try to call her back and she wont answer for awhile.   This drives me nuts.  Sometimes it is over something silly and small. I am wondering is this part of tampo or her own attitude.  Whichever one it is getting tiresome because if we have an issue to talk out, it does not good when one party just hangs up the phone. just wondering is this a cultural thing or is it her.  Then when she calms and see that I am not happy about what she did, she begs me not to leaver her?

Yep, sounds like typical tampo. When they get angry about something you did, didn’t do, or they think you might have done, they clam up and won’t talk or even acknowledge your presence for a while. I guess what you experienced could be termed “cyber tampo”? LOL!

Seriously, tampo isn’t funny and it is meant to hurt you. If she can never win an argument with you, her only “weapon” may be tampo. It should be noted that not all Filipinas use tampo. There are some advantages to tampo when you compare it to having a knife stuck in your back or getting “Bobitized” in your sleep. LOL!

Personally, I find it childish and I wouldn’t tolerate it if she does this frequently. I think you are getting a glimpse of life to come if you are married to her. Better talk this out now and maybe let her know that you don’t want to be married to someone who uses tampo as a regular tactic (?).

I know how you feel. My ex was an expert at tampo, but it didn’t happen often. Maybe once a year or once in 2 years. My usual reaction was to ignore it until she broke down, which could take 2 hours or 2 weeks. If yours only last a few hours then perhaps you can live with it.

I think most Filipinos will typically do the lovey-dovey routine to break the tampo. Making her laugh helps too sometimes, but if she is 10,000 miles away and hangs up on you, there isn’t much you could do anyway.

I would do some serious thinking about this one…

Ray

[Heruamen]

  Believe me Ray I have been thinking because she has done this on several occasions.  And it got me thinking time to slow down a little. She seems to get mad over nothing a little to much. I am thinking long term because this seems to be a major part of her personality , and you are right I am not interested in dealing with this on a daily basis the rest of my life.  I have dealt with her exclusively for 4 months so I don't have any experience knowing others, but now I am feeling like heeding the advice of men who have said in the past HAVE BACKUP!  I remember reading somewhere that people tend to show their real personalities after 3 months in dating.   I will slow down and take my time because this woman seems to have a lot of anger in her.  When she gets upset she sometimes will say things to intentionally hurt me, but the thing that gets me is that its over things that are not major.  What happens when life throws the big things at us?

[Stagga]

Hi Heruamen

Ummmm are you sure.. you don't do anything to make her mad?

I'm a woman yes.. I  get tampo but there are always be reason, it doesn't matter big or small...!

We do Get Tampo

 woman don't get tampo she should be in heaven! 

Lang

[stevjulietb]

Heruamen,

I'm one of the guys here who say, have a back-up.  Have you met her in person?  If not I would fish for others online.  I don't think I could put up with much tampo.

Steveb

[Shadow_mas]

How about reversing the tactic ?
Don't call, don't try to contact. If she hangs up on you, she is the one who should get back to you.

[Romello]

Francy is the love of my life, but sometimes she can be a pain.  She will stop talking or start crying over something I may or even may not say is some cases.

When she does this I make her laugh.  I may say some funny things.  I pretend and tell her every time;

"We are living together now and you choose to act this way to me again.  I am only going to pat you on the butt, give you a kiss, and sit on the other side of the sofa and through rose peddles at you until you talk to me again."

After that she smiles and forgets what the fight was about.  Then again I think she just like it when I talk romantic or write poems, because she wants to get into "tampo" every other time we talk on the phone.

[Ray]

I  get tampo but there are always be reason, it doesn't matter big or small...!

But when a woman has a tampo, she is often the only one who knows what that reason is. And it often turns out to be just a silly misunderstanding.

Wouldn't it be better to openly tell your partner what and why you are angry so he can do something about it? "Punishing" someone for something he didn't do is not right, IMHO.

Ray

[Stagga]

 I am only going to pat you on the butt, give you a kiss, and sit on the other side of the sofa and through rose peddles at you until you talk to me again."

After that she smiles and forgets what the fight was about. 

Sweetttttttttttttttttttttt 
i love what you just say....
hopefully there are plenty of guy's like you 
thumb up for you Mr. Romello

some guys don't know how to read their woman's mind, too bad for them...

Lang

[Jeff S]

You guys are looking at it in the wrong way. After you've been married a while, you'll appreciate the peace and quiet.

[Stagga]

But when a woman has a tampo, she is often the only one who knows what that reason is. And it often turns out to be just a silly misunderstanding.

Wouldn't it be better to openly tell your partner what and why you are angry so he can do something about it? "Punishing" someone for something he didn't do is not right, IMHO.

You called it silly but you know what... u need to understand,
there are just some people, choice not to talk when they are angry.

if you don't have the "patient" to wait until she talk to you, or u just don't want to deal with it,
broke up with her, that's one of those choose you can do.

 easy!!!

Lang

[Stagga]

You guys are looking at it in the wrong way. After you've been married a while, you'll appreciate the peace and quiet.

I agree!

i think this tampo thing mostly happen in long distance relationship.
but if your married. it really easy to deal with it because u guys are together.

i remember when my mahal ko visit me, one time i get tampo....not gonna tell why
but he just give me a kiss and hug so tight.
and we say sorry to each other done!!!
its all good...never go far. happen like in few minutes. 
 

[Bear]

Heruamen, you have my condolences.  I think tampo is about the most cruel and evil thing ever devised by a woman, especially with AMs who were raised to be giving and lenient to our wives needs.  Good AMs have no defense or method to counter and to resolve the situation amicably.  My wife has in the past had some Tampo/PMS that would start the next ice age, ALL but 2 or 3 were complete misunderstandings, culture differences, simple mistakes that could have been resolved by a few minutes of conversation, not the hours and days it took.  What two people in love and married are supposed to do when differences develop - talk.  Instead, I play the 1000 Questions Games till I become angry.  Once the tampo is resolved I am near ill for at least a week maybe longer because the last thing I want in life is my wife to be upset and problems in the family.  Tampo really hurts me, usually for something incredibly easy to resolve.  When I am upset or disappointed with my wife I do not do anything that would cause her more distress or problems.  I either accept it or talk with her until we come to an understanding, I might throw a few clues here here and there that she needs to do something but I never make her more distressed, NEVER.  To me thats just cruel and evil.  And to think after this cruelty we are supposed to reward her with lambing-lambing!

By American standard if our wife says to us "I'm not happy" a good husband will give her his attention till she is.  If he doesn't then tampo might be a choice but NEVER BEFORE AN ATTEMPT IS MADE TO RESOLVE IT AMICABLY(!) and tampo doesn't.

I know this sounds harsh Heruamen, but the PAIN you'll endure has to be worth it.  Filipinas just do not see the harm it causes so it will all be on you.

The Bear Family

[Ray]

if you don't have the "patient" to wait until she talk to you, or u just don't want to deal with it,
broke up with her, that's one of those choose you can do.

Excellent advice Lang!   

[Jeff_2]

if you don't have the "patient" to wait until she talk to you, or u just don't want to deal with it,
broke up with her, that's one of those choose you can do.

So very correct, and the option that I chose.  You are early in the relationship, when people should be on their best behavior.  If it is like this now, what will it be like when things get tougher?

Good luck;
Jeff

[piglett]

Sounds like it mite be the start of a very bed marrage
better to just cut your losses now ....IMO
there are plenty of nice ladies online that would love to be your cyber-girlfriend


piglett

[Staggo]

not me belly bell, ask a moderator.

[Stagga]

not me belly bell, ask a moderator.

Yes sure not you. because you are the one who hung up on me always hahaha...

tampo your awesome with that mahal.....

you know how to deal with my tampo hahhahha....

Your the best!!!


   

[Heruamen]

 This is not just the tampo of a simple misunderstanding.  Now that I have taken the blinders off I see this woman has a lot of anger in her.  Jeff you said it correctly when you said this early in the relationship people are usually on their best behavior if they start acting like this now what will happen when the real challenges come?  Lang-Lang in response to you I will tell you what i did to make her hang up.  Its been several times to many. The first time we had a storm in my area that knocked out my internet for the weekend.  I told her this she even looked at the weather report in my area.  yet when i called her on the phone to talk to her, to let her know i was thinking about her she hung the phone up in the middle of me talking and would not answer it for a whole day.
   This is unacceptable.  She is very quick to anger and I see it now that I have opened my eyes.  I have been very sweet to her and after she gets over her anger she apologizes and says I didnt deserve that and she says she does not know why she is like that.  However the latest one really changed things for me.  I always call her at work at sometimes so on thursday she asked me to give me a definite time when I would call because she was going to turn her phone off.  Since she always keeps it own I was naturally curious why she would turn it off.  When i asked she just got an attitude and said it was a secret.  when i asked again she said its her rather angrily business.  Any other time we are open with each other.  Had i said what she said she would have accused me of turning my phone of to talk to another girl (she is very jealous). Finally she admits that she was avoiding taking a phone call from her family and  now she is pissed at me because i asked. Then she says I got to go and drops offline and leaves me in mid sentence.  I was fed up at that point then she comes back an lies an says her computer dissconnected.  When i try to discuss her bad attitude and behavior she either clams up hangs up or the last time she says mabye yu should find somone else to make you more happy.  I was just trying to explain nicely to her that you should not be rude to the person you claim to love. She calls me later and apologizes and says that she will change her angry ways.   Also it dawned on me that since I have know her she had 4 verbal altercations with other women who were older the her.  Now i am looking beyond all the honey words and i love you's and i see a future with lots of drama and arguements.  So now I will exercise my options of choice because now I know i should have took more time to get to know her before commiting. Lucky for me that I did not have too much emotional investment because I am able to look more objectively now and do what my gut and instinct are telling me I should do.

[Heruamen]

  But don't get me wrong that long winded rant was not me whining or anything I am perfectly fine and feel as though a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Its was like my gut was telling me most of the time that something was not right but my desire to make this work was trying to silence the gut instinct. I am not discouraged in the slightest.  I asked the question so I could make sure that her behavior was her on issue and not a cultural norm, so i will be more knowledgeable when I move on to the next one.
  It will be hard for me to tell her that I don't think she is the one for me because despite her attitude and anger I think she really believes she loves me,and I don't want to hurt her.  However I can't seem to communicate with her about my feelings on this without her hanging up or just being unreceptive. I have enjoyed being with her and I think she is sincere but I know myself and Prefer a woman with a more calm and patient type of personality, this one is all fire and impatient.  This time I will take my time to get to know her before jumping in headfirst and I will talk to more than one.

[Shadow_mas]

When you tell her, tell her exactly what made you reach your decision.
It might be too late for you, but if she understands she could improve herself for another guy.

[Stagga]

Hey Heruamen

Well... i read  your post.. back months ago, (:correct me if i m wrong:)
 
you mention that your plan to visit someone in mid may? i am not sure if this is same person you meant, but if you do promise something to someone that your coming you need to do it, because if yo u broke your promise everything will fall down and started to being impatient, moody and a lot more you will experience.
in my opinion u would never be moody or just get angry over nothing. there must be reason.
 
Some woman's are so desperate to see, the person they fall in love with, specially in this online dating its totally different in actual dates.

  just my opinion no harm!

[satori]

I don't think you would tolerate that behavoir from an AW so why from a foreign woman?  Is this the type of behavoir and treatment you went overseas to find?  You can answer that best for yourself. 

[Jeff S]

Better now than later, H. Kudos for thinking with the big head and making tough decisions about your situation. Only you can know what is and isn't acceptable for yourself.

(she is very jealous)

she says she does not know why she is like that

She calls me later and apologizes and says that she will change her angry ways.

Very scary stuff indeed.

[Bob_S]

  But don't get me wrong that long winded rant was not me whining or anything I am perfectly fine and feel as though a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Its was like my gut was telling me most of the time that something was not right but my desire to make this work was trying to silence the gut instinct.

It doesn't sound like you're whining at all.  It sounds like you are thinking about it very clearly and seriously.  I mean, if she doesn't know why she behaves this way, what the hell are you supposed to do about it?  Can you imagine being treated like this for the next 50 years of your life?  You'd be better off throwing yourself under a bus.

I'd agree with Shadow_mas in that when you call to tell her it's over, spell out clearly and unequivocally why you are dumping her so maybe, just maybe, she can think long and hard about her own issues and treat the next guy better.