I am new and questions about current chinese girl i am seeing in the US.

[TurboSS]

Anyway, hi everyone.  I found this site while trying to get info on Chinese dating culture.  I met a girl who moved to the US In July from Guanzhou.  Anyway, I know this is my first post but i need some advice from people who have dated Chinese girls.  I am going to try and make this as short and to the point as possible.

Background on the girl.  She seems fairly westernized for Chinese (I have been to China and she seemed more westernized than most girls)  I also think her family is pretty wealthy in China so i think that may have something to do with it.  Her English is pretty strong and she even understands alot of slang.

Ok this girl and I are both graduate students.  I met her at an internship interview.  We were in the same interview group but we were sitting in the waiting area for a while.  Anyway, I got her contact information after the interview.

Well, the next time I talked to her she said she was currently dating an American that she met 3 days after arriving in the US but she planned to dump him soon because she wanted a man and he was a boy.  (she is 2 years older than him as well).  In the meantime we go out on one on one dates.  I get alot of mixed signals from her.  She seemed really interested in me but sometimes was resistant to physical touch, i.e. if i tried to hold her hand she would pull it away.   She showed her interest by contacting me every day via phone, aim whatever.  She bought me a gift when she went out of the US for a week, she asks me to do stuff with her and she pays for it sometimes, she offers to cook me food, Her body language has been telling me yes despite the somewhat resistance to touch.  I could go on but you get the idea.

Anyway, I had been getting advice from my friends who have lived in China.  They told me that Chinese people take dating much more slowly.  They also told me that you have to tell them that you actually have to ask them to date instead of just going out with them or they wont know.    So i have been just taking really really slow.  Trying to keep it no pressure.  Anyway, we have been doing stuf together for the past month and a half or so.  Things in the past week have really become dramatic.

She told me that last thursday the day after halloween she planned on getting pretty drunk and wanted me to go out with her and some friends to a club.  We met up at this Chinese American guy's house.  He spoke fluent mandarin.  Then me and the girl both met a random white american guy who spoke fluent mandarin as well and has lived in China for a while.  This was not good.  Immediately the dude starts macking on her in Chinese.  I have no idea what he is saying but I could just tell.  So now I have the three of them all speaking chinese while we walk to the club together and i am completely left out of the conversation 

When we get to the club the white guy gets separated from our group and so its mostly me and the chinese girl hanging out.  She is fairly drunk at this point and we start dancing.  She is grinding all over me and finally opening up.  She is actually letting me hold her and putting my hand on her body.  I am like finally.  Anyway, after the club closes she reverts back to her old physically shy self.  We get invited back to the dudes house but I really didnt want to go cause i knew the white guy would just be hitting on her some more in Chinese. 

Anyway, we get back there and big surprise the guy starts it up again.  I am like 20 feet away playing cool just socializing with others and one of my good friends.  After about 20 minutes go by the guy starts the subtle touching crap with her.  He then sits on the couch and she sits right next to him and puts her head on his chest.  My friend sees this and without me saying anything he immediately goes over and cockblocks the guy.  My friend engages him in in depth conversation for at least half an hour until the guy gives up and goes home.  My friend's philosophy was that if I am not getting any action from her after my effort there is no way in hell this guy is going to come in and hook up after just meeting her cause he speaks chinese.

Anyway, at this point i am thinking forget her she would probably be scandalous in a relationship.  Earlier I mentioned that my friends told me that to get anywhere you have to say your dating.  So my last ditch effort which would never ever work on an american girl was to say i want to date her then maybe hook up then leave.  Sorry it sounds so mean but i was pissed at the time because i felt like i wasted alot of effort.  Also if she said no it didnt matter because she has hot single chinese friends i would get her to introduce me to

Fast forward to last night.  I told her I wanted to date her.  At first she gave me the typical i am confused, i dont know etc.  So i am like fine with that.  But then she started saying that she does like me and she said she is frustrated because she does want to be in a relationship with me but its too soon. she went on to explain that in china there is no dating.  Its black and white. you are either friends or you are in a relationship.  Therefore the decision is very serious.  She said what happens is that you just kind of hang out then one day decide that you both want to be in a relationship.  She said she rushed into the last one too quick with her ex.  They were in a relationship after "hanging out" for 2 months.  I havent known her that long.  Immediately after she said she wanted to make me some food again.

Anyway, I talked to one of my friends that lived in China.  She pretty much confirmed that everything the girl said is true about their culture.  She also said the thing with the dude wasnt a big deal.  She said in China even straight guys will lay their heads on each other.  I am still not sure about that.

So if she is legit I would still like to date her and not just hook up with her.  However,  I really need some opinions of guys with experience in china or dating Chinese girls.  wow thats officially by far the longest first post i have ever made on a message board.  Thanks for the help.

[michaelb]

You've already been shown how she treats you, why do you need a second opinion? Run, run, fast as you can.

Of course, I've never been to China nor dated one of them, so my advice doesn't count, right?

[Ray]

Welcome to the forum Turbo.

My experience with Chinese culture is very limited but this isn’t so much about culture as it is about relationships with the opposite sex.

From your detailed description of events so far, I think it is quite clear that you two want very different things from each other. I believe that you are looking for an exclusive romantic relationship and she sees you only as a friend.

If she always calls you, is eager to do things with you, and cooks for you, then she obviously values your friendship. But she isn’t interested in a romantic relationship with you now. Sorry, but that’s how it’s going to be for the foreseeable future.

It’s up to you. If you can handle being just a friend with her, without getting jealous, pushy, or judgmental, then just relax and enjoy it.

I was just curious. What's her immigration status? Student visa? Immigrant resident?

Ray

[william3rd]

arrives in July, gets BF for over 2 months, then you come along. Your time line is pretty tight. Chinese girl out clubbing and getting drunk yet old school on sex-or so she says. And knows all the slang. Quick learner.

Thai Chinese wouldnt act that way.

And lengthy dating periods before sex are not 2 months-more like 2 years or longer. Even with western contamination, good girls are not in a hurry to jump into bed. And one question- why would a chinese girl of wealthy family want anything to do with a westerner on very short relationship?

Doesnt all add up but you are the man on the scene. Perhaps Dear Abby can help.

[Bear]

Welcome TuboSS,

First I wouldn't confuse American standards on her.
 
I think you should listen to what she said.  She isn't ready for a relationship and she is clearly indicating it.  As for whether or not you are in her future she clearly hasn't indicated that. 

Then again if you are like me and I'm the kind of guy that likes his questions answered - I'd ask.  I see so many guys who have concerns, dreams, needs, whatever bouncing around in their head and marry a girl without ever discussing them with the lady.  Amazing how hurt they get?  Why not ask, "What would it take to move this relationship forward?"

Marrying into a different culture is extremely difficult, treat it that way and you won't be surprised.  Communication is always important (which includes listening) but so much more in this situation but like most Americans you/she aren't.  Not sure that she sees it as a problem so it puts the ball in your court.

The Bear Family

[TurboSS]

Thanks guys.  Bear, you seem to really understand whats going on.  Thanks for the input.

I am sorry if i didnt describe the situation well enough.  Basically, I would agree 100% with you guys if she was an american girl.  I am not new to this at all.  I would have bailed a LONG time ago if she was an american girl. However, since I know very little about chinese dating culture I feel like i have to start over at square one in learning.  It feels like opposite day compared to what to do with american girls.  Also as far as sex goes, my friends in china told me they started having sex with their chinese girlfriends around 2 months into the relationship.

Btw what she basically told me is that she feels like she wants to be in a relationship with me and is attracted to me but its too soon.  Also, I did ask her how it moves forward and she just told me that we keep going out/spending time together and then one day decide we want to be in a relationship. 

[Jeff S]

I'd be careful about putting arbitrary standards on dating - like sex starts 2 months into the relationship. There are sluts and prudes in every culture, so you have to approach each situation differently. As Bear and others have mentioned, dating a foreign women is more like the kind of dating your father and grandfather experienced, not the kind our highly sexualized gen x and gen y people are used to.

- Jeff

[jm21-2]

I'd be careful about putting arbitrary standards on dating - like sex starts 2 months into the relationship. There are sluts and prudes in every culture, so you have to approach each situation differently. As Bear and others have mentioned, dating a foreign women is more like the kind of dating your father and grandfather experienced, not the kind our highly sexualized gen x and gen y people are used to.

- Jeff

Really...that's the attraction isn't it? I was talking with another guy about politics...abortion came up, and his response was that sex was a necessity of life, so all abortions should be allowed because people can't stop themselves from having a ton of sex. What a ridiculous view. As if people can't control their urges. I know myself and several of my friends have made the remark at one time or another that we were born a generation too liate...but I guess going to a country that's a generation behind evens that out a bit.

[jm21-2]

I asked a Chinese girl friend penpal a bit about your situation a bit, as I was curious too...

She says it doesn't necessarily mean anything romantic if a girl rests her head on a guy's chest...just means she trusts him. But if this is a guy she just met...seems a little weird.

I would personally be way more worried about her grinding you at a club...if a girl did that to me I would write her off as a slut immediately and drop her, especially if we weren't going out....but my penpal/friend says it's pretty normal for a Chinese girl to do that at a club or bar and it doesn't really mean anything romantic. "Of course having fun, who will serious in the bar?" And this girl, from what she says, is a very conservative, well-educated Chinese girl.

Take it or leave it, but thought I'd post it.

[william3rd]

I asked my GF about the bump and grind etc. Thai Chinese wouldnt even think of it.

Quote- you want bar girl, go play with bar girl. No good woman would ever do. . . unquote.

Whatever- since this girl is a "local," it is your choice on what to believe or not to believe.

[TurboSS]

I can say with almost 100% certainty that this girl is not a bar girl.  I think there is a little misunderstanding from what i typed.  Most of the time she refuses to  even drink more than one drink when other people are around drinking. 

Also, I am not looking for a skank.

[william3rd]

She told me that last thursday the day after halloween she planned on getting pretty drunk and wanted me to go out with her and some friends to a club. 

When we get to the club the white guy gets separated from our group and so its mostly me and the chinese girl hanging out.  She is fairly drunk at this point and we start dancing. 

So- uhhh, nice story- but- it has now got some major inconsistancies in it.

I am off this thread. . . . . . . .

[jm21-2]

Most of the time she refuses to  even drink more than one drink when other people are around drinking. 

Just something to think about...one beer for a small Chinese girl (I don't know how big she is, just saying) would be like 4 shots of bourbon for me, if not more. I knew a girl in college who would get hammered off 1 micro-brew. Girls get drunk easier than guys (especially if they're on birth control), and body size makes a big difference.

I'm apparently considered conservative even by Chinese standards, so my definition of a skank is probably very different from yours, and I couldn't advise you either way.

[crashfirepm53]

Whats so inconsistant? He didn't say she never drinks and then wants to go get hammered. So she drinks a little, something in her life changes and she wants to get really drunk(2 beers instead of one). So what?

Because the girl dances with him and he get some grind time means she's a skank??? Come on. This guy is obviously 15-20 years younger than most of you and most certainly your perceptions are 20 years older than his. He has been spending time with her since July, quite frankly he should have bedded her down already. And since he hasn't this must surely say something positive about her moral fiber that is positive.
They are at a club drinking and dancing prob. to hip hop music and they're are some bump and grind going on. Thats new generation dancing. You think they are doing the Waltz in there?
So if you see a Latina shaking her hips and grinding to Salsa and any other Latino dance (which  are very touchy feely) she must be a whore right?
Prob. in China she isn't the most traditional girl esp. if her family has money but that doesn't mean her overall moral beliefs aren't traditional.

Unfortuantly, your attitudes towards a woman if she is a skank or whore is EXACTLY why when your with your Asian bride in the states, people look at you two and say"he bought that girl" and "he must be a real ass to not be able to meet a good women here". I know. I've said it.

My .02 cents. take it or leave. Good luck.

[william3rd]

This post is my nomination for moronic post of the year. NUMERO UNO!!!

This character has no idea about China or anything Chinese, no idea about where he will even search for a bride on a CONTINENTAL level, no idea what the membership here is talking about, and no idea of what the experiences of the membership here is.

So-crashandburn- you can take it and leave or better still, just leave. And take your hip-hop jive-ass pseudo-psychology for dummies manual with you. Come back when you can get out your atlas and actually point on the map to China or find SOUTH America. And one hint for you- LATIN lessons will not help you in Latin America. . . .

Whats so inconsistant? He didn't say she never drinks and then wants to go get hammered. So she drinks a little, something in her life changes and she wants to get really drunk(2 beers instead of one). So what?

Because the girl dances with him and he get some grind time means she's a skank??? Come on. This guy is obviously 15-20 years younger than most of you and most certainly your perceptions are 20 years older than his. He has been spending time with her since July, quite frankly he should have bedded her down already. And since he hasn't this must surely say something positive about her moral fiber that is positive.
They are at a club drinking and dancing prob. to hip hop music and they're are some bump and grind going on. Thats new generation dancing. You think they are doing the Waltz in there?
So if you see a Latina shaking her hips and grinding to Salsa and any other Latino dance (which  are very touchy feely) she must be a whore right?
Prob. in China she isn't the most traditional girl esp. if her family has money but that doesn't mean her overall moral beliefs aren't traditional.

Unfortuantly, your attitudes towards a woman if she is a skank or whore is EXACTLY why when your with your Asian bride in the states, people look at you two and say"he bought that girl" and "he must be a real ass to not be able to meet a good women here". I know. I've said it.

My .02 cents. take it or leave. Good luck.

[catz]

Guys,

 Let's let this one drop okay? No need to spread it through various threads.

Thanks much!
 catz

[william3rd]

I heed the call, Senor, and will abate my diatribe forthwith. . . . .

Happy T Day to you and the wife and the little one. . . .

[Ray]

...when your with your Asian bride in the states, people look at you two and say"he bought that girl" and "he must be a real ass to not be able to meet a good women here". I know. I've said it.

So that's what you think? Asian brides are for sale, men married to Asian women must be "real asses", and Asian women are not "good women"? That's what you've said to others before?

My wife is Asian, she is a good woman, and I didn't buy her. And if I heard you insult her like that in person, you would be spitting out your teeth.

Now that's MY two cents, so you can take it or leave it.

[william3rd]

nahh, Ray - puss boy will never give you the opportunity. That is why the internet is just a place where you cant take things too seriously.

[Bear]

Hmmm!

I missed that comment the first time I read it.  Sad that there are those out there who actually say such a things with out any comprehension of demeaning, ignorant and thoughtless attitudes they are displaying towards other.

It kind of throws a lot into the conversation on what his intent is?  He is sub-conscienoius very demeaning of Asians.  Such a marriage is doom as for as the wife would be concerned.

The Bear Family

[jm21-2]

Ummm....crashfire...I'm 25. I know plenty of guys who would never take a girl seriously if she ground on them...some of those with lower moral character would [snip] her until something better came along, but take a girl like that seriously? C'mon. That's like picking up a girl at a bar and marrying her, hahaha.

Didn't you know that the current younger generation (20-30 or so) is the conservative backlash? We're the most conservative generation, on average, in the last 50 years. Hence the huge support for Ron Paul by the 20ish age group, and so on. Ya, there are some who are very promiscuous, but they're usually low-class. The kind of people who think "Pimp My Ride" is cool, listen to rap all the time, try to act like a thug, etc....worthless.

And there's a big difference between dancing salsa and grinding in my book. They're completely different in character. I suppose swing dancing is like grinding too? Grinding is just low-class, bestial behavior.

There are plenty of girls who immigrate or otherwise come to America, whether they be from Iran or China, who end up going a bit wild. Just like there are some girls who move out of their parent's house, go to college, and go wild. I'd suggest not taking any of them as serious marriage prospects. There are plenty to choose from, whether here or abroad, who always had their head on straight.

[TurboSS]

Well I lost the war with this one

Some more drama has happened since i last posted about this but nothing too major.  Anyway,  two days ago she lied to me and told me she had completely cut off communication with her ex boyfriend for good.  Well that apparently didnt last long because now she got back with him today 

I am not going to burn the bridge though because she does have some very attractive chinese girl friends locally that I hope she can introduce me to.

[joeyb]

Well, I'm new but I know that if a woman treated me different that I wanted to be treated or expected to be treated I would head for the hill.  There is plenty of women out there, so don't settle for just any. Take the time and find that right one.