I need to hear from all the guys who are...

[AZBuckI]

I need to hear from all the guys who are either married, engaged, or at least corresponding with Vietnamese ladies.  I would like to hear about the things that are typical about them.  Like if most Filipinas like to sing and dance, what are the things that  are typical about the women of Vietnam?  What are their behaviors like?  What are they like to live with.  How have they adapted to living in your culture while remaining themselves?
 For those of you who are married to Buddhist, or other non Christians  has there been any difficult situations the two of you have faced, assuming you are a Christian.  If she is not a Christian is she open minded about your religion?  If you have kids do you think it's possible to raise your kids in two religions effectivly?  Aside from the obvious differences in religion, and being from a Communist country how do Vietname ladies differ (both good and bad) from Filipinas?
 What was the immigration, and Visa process like in Vietnam?  How long did it take?  I've heard it involves a lot of...well how should I put this, monetary motivation to get it done?.  If you live in the U.S. how does your wife like living here.  Are there enough other Vietnamese, people, stores and other things she needs from home  to feel comfortable in the area where you live?  If she has a lot of Vietnamese friends, and, or if her friends are not Christians are they accepting of you and your relationship with her?  What about her parents and the rest of her family?  How do they feel about you.  How are you recieved by others when you visit Vietnam, especially if you're an American?  Are American men as well thought of in Vietnam as they are in other countries?
 I know there is at least one guy who posts to this board who is either married to, or at least engaged to a Vietnamese lady.  I think his name is MadMal or something like that.  I've read a few of his posts in the past so if he, or anyone else can give me some information I would really appreciate it.  These are just a few of my questions.  I'll have more later.  Well, that's it for now.  Thanks in advance for all of your help.  Also if you want to E-mail me please send it to dcr_az@att.net

 Sincerely    
AZ-Buck-I

God bless the U.S.

[DaveWT]

... in response to I need to hear from all the guys who are..., posted by AZBuckI on Sep 15, 2001

I am engaged to a Vietnamese girl who lives in Hoc Mon, which is part of Saigon.

There are good ones, and there are bad ones. You have to write to a lot of them. You can spot the bad ones. They will tell you stuff like "grandma need operation, and we have no money", etc. If the girl works in a bar, she's a hooker.

Most of them don't speak English. I was lucky that Thi knew some English. Will still needed a translator for some things. There are plenty of translators around for hire in Saigon. I imiagine there are plenty in Hanoi as well. Be careful, we had a translator that tried to break us up. Her name was Su'a (sounds like "Shoo-ah"). She would tell me garbage in English, and tell Thi Garbage in Vietnamese. She apparently hoped she could snag me for herself. I know of other couples she has tried to do this to as well. If you go there, don't use her. Saigon's a huge place, so you probably never run into her.

They like music, ecspecially western music. They love Americans over there. They hate Russians. If you get treated badly in Vietnam, it's probably because you've been mistaken for a Russian. People will love you there. A lot of them wish we had won the war. I never met anyone who liked the communists. Several openly told me they hated them in fact. You won't find anyone who was proud to have served in the Viet Cong during the war. If you are an American, people will stop and stare at you, because you are probably the only non Asian they've ever seen in real life. The only negative response I got was from a Commie police who gave Thi and I a dirty look. Actually, he gave her a dirty look. But that was all. But all the zillion others that saw me or met me only had smiles for me. Some liked to practice their broken English on me.

Thi's family loved me, although they didn't speak English, and they treated me very well. You'll be expected to pay for the wedding party, and if they want to go somewhere the guest is expected to pay.

Vietnam is till like two countries. The south embraces capitalism, the north think the southerners are "decadent". Everybody in Ho Chi Minh has a bussiness in the front part of their house. It might be a restraunt, a little store, a bike shop, but they will have something. How fitting the city named after a ruthless communist is now a budding center for capitalism. Actually, no body calls it Ho Chi Minh City, they still defianetly call it Saigon. Ten more years, the commies will be history.

I haven't been north, but I hear the food is even worse. I couldn't imagine that. Some people love the food...I'm not one of them.(I lost 10 pounds while I was there, but I needed it.) There is a seasoning they use called "cha" (spelled xa I think). It is the worst thing you will ever taste. Spring rolls aren't bad. They are kind of like egg rolls. I went nuts about day 9 or so and hailed a cab to find a hamburger. There's a restraunt that tries to serve American type fast food in Saigon, but I can't remeber the name. Wasn't much of a hamburger, but at least it was close, and the fries weren't bad. They had fried chicken and pizza, but I didn't try any.  They have some hot red stuff they tell you is catsup but it isn't. My girl and her brother didn't like it at all. Don't drink the water in Vietnam. The color is like Ginger Ale, that alone will probably discourage you. I had a mouthful of it once, and I had to spit it out because it was so awful. My folks bought me bottled water to drink.

One thing I've found is that women all over the world will lie about their age. Thi was just 16 when I started writing her, even though she said she was 18. But from what I've read, Asian women consider lying about their age to be yet another way of pleasing their man. Make sure they're really the age they say the are. The Vietnamese government won't let them leave unless they are 18.

Vietnamese girls are very shy. They know zero about sex. They are very old fashioned. They are very shy at first, and you'll feel like they're not interested in you.But if a girl wants to give up everything to be with you, she loves you. I was lucky (and persistent) that I got Thi to make out with me a few times before I left Vietnam...and this was after the wedding party. I was the first guy she ever kissed. Heck, I was the first guy she ever held hands with.

You will read things in " A Gentleman's Guide to the Erotic Women of Asia" that just ain't so. Vietnamese girls will not forgive a little fooling around. In fact Thi told me the only reason she would ever divorce me would be if I got another woman. I never planned to anyway, but thought I would point it out. She even went so far as to tell me she would die from grief, or kill herself outright. So, if you marry one, you marry for life.

Thi is Bhuddist, but she is going to Church for me. She's willing to get baptized, but I want her to wait until she feels she is ready, and not simply do it for me. There are some Catholics and Protestants in Vietnam, but most are Buddhists. But, they probably wont mind converting for you.

Hope this was of some help.  Email me if I can help you more.

Regards,

D

[madmal]

... in response to I need to hear from all the guys who are..., posted by AZBuckI on Sep 15, 2001

Yes, I'm the (in)famous madmal.
Doan and I met two and a half years ago while I was in Vietnam on holiday.  She seemed really nice, so I started writing to her.....a few visits later we decided to get married and get her to Australia.
You asked lots of questions, but I guess the gist of what you were asking is what are" Vietnamese women like "
Lori was right when she said that they are shy. Most of them will be very shy when you first meet them. If they aren't shy then you probably don't want to know them.
It is hard to generalise about a whole country of 80 million people. Vietnam has a strong tradition of filial piety. The family is number one. Despite a century of turmoil this really hasn't changed. There has been an ebb and flow from individualism to the collective (family) and back. But at the core Vietnamese culture is just as traditional as it always has been.  If a lady has grown up anywhere other than the streets of Saigon or Hanoi then she SHOULD be quite traditional.
By his I mean she will believe that there can be only one head of the family (her father, husband etc)
She will want a family of her own. She will want to do what she can to help her family back home.
If she is not on good terms with her family that is a bad sign.

I'm not a Christian, so marrying a Buddhist was not a problem for me. Doan is not a 'devout' buddhist anyway. She is a bit like many Christians that don't go to church except to celebrate Christmas and easter.  She celebrates the buddhist holidays.
We have been married for about 13 months, but she has only been here in Australia for about 3 months.  She is adjusting better than I had hoped.  Doan goes to 'school' four mornings a week. She studies English, maths and computers.  This has allowed her to make some new friends and have a lifeof her own.  I am a Pharmacist with my own business, so I am fortunate in being able to take her to the shop on afternoons when she wants to.
I enjoy her culture and their food. I think things would be a lot rougher if this wasn't the case.  I can tell you now that this is not for everyone.
Her family don't speak english so I can't communicate well with them.  They were a bit alarmed when Doan told them about me.  Her mother really didn't want her daughter going so far away. But after they had met me and seen how happy Doan was they knew that this was going to be.
Her mother will be very happy to have more grandchildren. I don't think it matters to her whether they are Eurasian.
(Many in Vietnam consider Eurasians to be very "handsome")

We don't have a decent asian shop where I live, so when we visited perth a few weeks ago we bought up. I freighted 5 boxes of food back to my shop.

My main hobbies are gardening and fishing.  This sits well with Doan, as she loves to garden and is getting a real appreciation for fishing.  This has obviously been helpful too.

In the first few weeks Doan was very sensitive to criticism.(I mean the smallest criticisms) This was the cause of a few problems. I really had to hold my tongue. But as our time together has passed this has improved. (She is reading this over my shoulder and wants to know what 'sensitive' means)

'Monetary motivation' ie bribes. These were very necessary in the marriage process in Vietnam. The system is very corrupt, so bribery goes a long way to getting things moving.  The problem is that we westerners don't know the system, so it helps to have someone to help you to cut all the crap and pay the right people. I was lucky enough to have this.

Well, I've raved a bit.  If you have any specific questions
ask away.  I don't spend as much time at this board as I used to (married life and all that). But I should be able to answer any questions.

Mal

[outwest77]

... in response to I need to hear from all the guys who are..., posted by AZBuckI on Sep 15, 2001

I have an ex gf here in the usa who was lao and thai
divorced from a vietnamese husband, I was around her
and her  kids and her friends, for 3 years.
   To me, the thai, viet, etc dont assimilate to the usa
as easily as for example phils ladies, Vietnam is not
very amercanized from what i can tell, english is not
taught in the schools. My ex and me, had many cultural
differences, she did not like american food at all, only
asian food, and she did not interact really with american
friends on a social level, to me the gap was too wide to
overcome, In my opinion thai, laotian, vietnamese people
tend to either isolate themselves in the usa with their own people, or not intermingle well with americans, this is strictly an observation based on my experience, Your mileage may vary.

[Lori]

... in response to I need to hear from all the guys who are..., posted by AZBuckI on Sep 15, 2001

First of all, I would like to say that I am no expert on courting vietnamese women. But I am engaged to a vietnamese man, and have lived with his family in Vietnam for a month.
When you ask about vietnamese women, I guess first you would have to ask, "Are they traditional, what kind of family do they come from...etc..." There is good and and bad in any culture, it depends on their family, how they were raised and so on, so forth.I think we start walking dangerous ground when we say one cuture is this and one culture is that. Most vietnamese women are as beautiful on the inside as they are outside...but there are some I am sure with would eat you up and spit you out. I would say learn as much about the girl as you can, also learn about her family. I think families are very strong in the asian cultures and tend to share the same characteristics within the families.
I had a good reception when I arrived in Vietnam. The people were very friendly. Some people just stared at me with haunted looks... I am sure they were remembering the war. But I am a woman, it might be differant with an american man.
Thai's sisters are all Bhuddaist, very devout. They light insence several times a day and I saw them praying often. I beleive most Bhuddaist are very peaceful people. Very loving and very giving. That is how they are taught to be. Thai is a very devout Bhuddaist also.  I have never been a strong christian. I have always been interested in Hinduism and Bhuddaism. I guess now I'll have my very own teacher. I think it would be hard being a devout Christian, because somewhere in the bible I believe it says something about marrying a non believer, or something like that. Besides you would always have to worry about you spouse going to hell. I don't think that would be a very peaceful marrage.
Thai has one sister who is 25 years old. She is beautiful, has never been on a date, and stays with the family. She does cleaning chores in the morning.  I never spoke with her because of language differances. But we did spend alot of time together and making gestures and such we were able to communicate somewhat. She had a great sense of humor. And she felt the need to take care of me the whole time I was visiting. Always grabbing my hand when we would walk across the street...etc.. I don't think anyone could court her unless you went through her many brothers first.
The vietnamese family lives together. When a woman marries she goes and lives with her husbands family. I beleive all of Thai's brothers live in the same house, exept for one. He and his wife chose to have their own apartment. I don't think that set too well with his family. But, of course that is differant here in America. So, I guess, if there are no family members around her, that will be a huge adjustment. She may become lonely, as she is used to being surrounded by people. I got lucky, because Thai's brothers family lives just down the street from me. There is a vietnamese food store and a few restraunts. So, although he will miss his family and frinds, he will have a few comforts here.

As far as the Visa process goes, I have just sent my visa in. Thai has a lawyer on his end to help with things. I think it's a great idea because it is fairly cheap and it will help tremendously over there. And YES monetary gifts to officials help big time!! ;-)
Any other questions I'd be glad to answer...but again I know not much about the vietnamese women. But I do think they are more conservative than the fillipino woman. I say that because they are raised inside their families. They do not have as much access to the outside world. They are not exposed so much to western culture. They tend to be VERY shy. It was only the last days in Vietnam that I knew they could speak a bit of English. I think they were just too shy to try it out on me.
--Lori

[Jeff S]

... in response to I need to hear from all the guys who are..., posted by AZBuckI on Sep 15, 2001

Hi Buck & welcome to the board. Madmal, the guy you referred to is married to a Viet Namese lady, Doan, but he's an Aussie. Lori was in Viet Nam recently and is engaged to a Viet Namese man. There is a strong Viet Namese presence in the US so finding food, mass media (Viet Namese TV, radio & newspapers) etc, is easier than for many other nationalities. My wife (Japanese) spoke little English when she arrived and isn't a Christian . As I've posted before, the major issue with adjusting to life in the US is a cultural one, not necessarily a language or religious one so really, it depends on the individual on how easily they adapt to life here, not necessarily the nationality. Devout Buddhists generally have a very spiritual and gentle way about them, and also have an imperative to improve themselves every day. If you are a devout Christian and plan to have children and raise them as Christians, as your post sounds, I'd advise against marrying a non-Christian, unless she is willing to convert and actively follow your faith. If you're not concerned about the particular brand of your children's religion, only that they grow up with a strong spiritual grounding, you have nothing to worry about. Just a few random thoughts.
-- Jeff S.

[Mars]

... in response to I need to hear from all the guys who are..., posted by AZBuckI on Sep 15, 2001

He's the man!