...you are pursuing a Latina.

Read the letter below and scratch you head in wonder.  

O, I am such a wonderful bottomless pit of mystery and only a man who is intelligent and strong enough will ever, ever be able to figure me out.

Notice, the silly advice our perplexed hero is given by the “world’s leading authority on relationships”.  

Funny, but I feel like I live on the same planet with my latina novia.  Maybe Colombia is closer to the U.S. than Venus.  

She now just wants to be friends
Dear John,
I placed an ad on an Internet personals site. One woman and I hit it off quite well. I am 43-years old, and "Alice" is 38. After going out together for two weeks, I was falling in love for the second time in my life.

Alice made it quite clear that she wasn't interested in having sex any time soon, which was okay with me because I wanted to know her as a friend first anyway. Recently, one thing led to another and we wound up in bed. Although we didn't have intercourse out of respect for her strong desire for celibacy, we did everything else. The next day I called Alice, but she seemed like a different woman. She said we should either stop seeing each other or just be friends.

I started to tell her how I felt about her. I talked for ten minutes, but her response lasted no more than thirty seconds. Afterward, I sent her flowers. I then called her again, but Alice said she didn't want to talk and hung up. I sent her an angry email and said I would not contact her anymore, but I just can't seem to forget her, especially knowing how great we were together. Should I try to contact her again, even though I said I wouldn't?
— Needs Her, in San Diego, Calif.

Dear Needs Her,
You two were moving through the dating process at different speeds: She was in Stage One, Attraction. Against her better judgment, she allowed you to move into Stage Four, Intimacy. All you can do is try once more to contact her, promising that you will keep things at a pace that works for her. Here's the catch: Should you begin seeing her again, hold to the promise or risk losing her again. Whether she is or isn't interested in seeing you again, you may want to ask her in writing to be honest and tell you what you did to breach the relationship. Her input might help you in future relationships.

John Gray PhD, of www.MarsVenus.com, is considered one of the world’s leading authority on relationships. He is the author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, one of the best-selling non-fiction books of the 90s. Have a question for John Gray? Send it in! Due to the amount of feedback he receives, Dr. Gray may not be able to respond to all questions.

... in response to I totally agree with Dr. Gray...., posted by Aaron on Feb 24, 2003

Aaron,
He said you had to get sex out of the way to decide if you liked each other.Before that its such a huge elephant in the room you can't relax and get to know each other.
But there are other theories.John Brasdshaw says if you walk in a room and see someone and there is a big emotional hit (the lightening bolt I think it has been called here) you should run like hell in the other direction.Talk about head up your overanalising a--.You wait for that experience a lifetime and then you run because he thinks you might have some sort of co dependency connection.If you watch him speak he is the most miserable person in the room.Can't let go of all that old sh!t.Wallows in the shame and whatever else he went through.He one time said after 20 years or so as a shrink he was just starting to get his life together.Better forget what you know here guy.(not you Aaron,Bradshaw)Oh,yeah,it does sell books and seminars.
Aren't you in to educational pshycology?How kids learn?That might be usefull.Hint.Get them to turn off the TV and the rap music.And quit screwing around in class.And if they give you sh!t about it,to the woodshed.I know,its so politically incorrect you would be considered a criminal in some quarters.But hey,just a laymans opinion.

Pete

... in response to I totally agree with Dr. Gray...., posted by Aaron on Feb 24, 2003

I am not going to argue with the point that relationships need to be nurtured.  However speed and nurturing are not necessarily exclusive.  I have seen slow relationships that are abusive and unsupportive and I have seen quick relationships that are nurturing and supportive.  The problem I have with this story excerpted from Dr. Gray is that this woman was more willing to abandon the relationship than to work on it.  It sounded like there was a nice relationship developing and because of a misjudgment made by both of them, an unwanted turn in the relationship was made.  Even though the man appeared very open to correcting the problem, the women just threw the relationship on the trash heap.  What point in a relationship does it become okay to make a mistake before the only option to fix a mistake it is to abandon the relationship?

As I posted in another thread, the popular philosophy seems to be “you have to be happy with yourself before others can be happy with you”.  While I agree with that in the sense that people can’t find their happiness in others, I don’t think it means that people can’t be part of what brings you happiness.  I think that philosophy is part of what has lead to the problem where American women are so unappealing to many American men.  That philosophy is like saying “come back when you are perfect”.  Well life is way to short to be lived liked that.  There is a healthy balance between accepting responsibility for your own personal growth and being accepted for who you are now, today, and being extended love and acceptance.

... in response to Why you should be glad...... , posted by valuedcustomer on Feb 24, 2003

I hate f@@kers like that John Gray so much!!  After my divorce I listened to people like him for TOO long.  It was only after I was ready to die of loneliness because too many people told me bulls@@t like "I had to be happy with myself before anyone else would be happy with me", that I decided to try Colombia.  I figured I was going to be kidnapped as I stepped off the plane, extorted and then murdered, but since my life didn’t have much value anymore I figured so what.  Imagine my surprise when instead of being murdered I was pursued by beautiful women.  Let the other poor fools listen to idiots like John Gray.  I think I will listen to my beautiful wife tell me I am "lindo, lindo, lindo" for the thousandth time.

... in response to Dude, I hope you married a therapist......., posted by Aaron on Feb 24, 2003

Aaron,
At least as far as issues like John Gray talks about,finding that relationship,he doesn't need the therapist,he's got the girl.So no need for all that slowly developing analise every move type of relating.True,he could have problems and the relationship could not last.In which case he could get another one.Less frustrating than the psycobable.
Funny,the lady who used to lead one of our singles groups and is a good friend of mine was laying out the John Gray time path to intimacy one night.I think it took about 6 months minimum before you get to have sex.The guys were groaning.Her husband was there and let it be known they had sex on the second date.
"Thanks alot Bill."' was her response.

Pete

... in response to Re: Dude, I hope you married a therapist..., posted by lswote on Feb 24, 2003

Hi Bruce,

One of the things that a bright and witty English speaking rolita told me on my first trip to her city was how she considered how brave the gringos were to seek a Latina mate.  Having never considered myself especially brave on this quest, I replied, "really"? and asked her to explain her comment.  She went on to say how she felt that  norteamericanos, if sincere, were admired by her and her friend's for making the trek South facing potential hardships of distance, language barriers, cost, and even possible danger.  She wasn't trying to inflate my ego or win any brownie points.  It did make me feel good however.  Needless to say, she would not be swayed in her opinion, even after trying to explain why I basically went South in search of a special Latina.  

Quite frankly, the reason for going was mostly by default.  You and I both know the caliber of women that are available to us here.  Granted, there are a few gringas out there that are nice, but most of those have been spoken for and what's left over are slim pickins and/or with plenty of baggage.  Dare I bring up the age difference?  I remember questioning one sincere and attractive Latina many times about the age gap wording it differently each time, until she finally looked at me and said (paraphrasing), "What is your problem, my last Colombian boyfriend was older than you"!  Not all Latinas feel this way, but many do.

I remember the encouraging words you spoke to me when we first met.  You thought I'd have no trouble finding a lady.  To be honest though, I have met so many nice ladies of various age groups and professions, it has made the task even harder than I imagine.  Some fortunate guys like you and Wizard find your ladies rather quickly.  Other men have gone many times and are still searching, but I have not read too often from men that regret going even if it is time consuming and expensive.  I for one have a completely different perspective now.  It took a while for me to believe it and have it sink in, but for those men that have never visited a Latin American country, do yourself a favor, a huge one...make the decision to do so, get well prepared and just GO!   I would recommend to any man, in any age group, to at least once in your life, GO!  The younger guys should know what sort of ladies these Latinas are.  Expand your horizons, do a little traveling before you settle down with some AW, even if she is a sweety, and check it out.  The older men should not be convinced that life has passed them by or it's too late.  Don't settle for second best, GO!  LA is not a panacea, but I tell you what, if I'd of known what I know now about Latin women, I would have gone many years ago.  You won't regret it.  There is a catch though, do your homework, and pick the right lady out. You chose well grasshopper, and Wizard, may the force be with you.

BTW, congrats on your marriage!  Be sure to keep posting here and don’t drop out like many married couples do.  I think it would be interesting to hear your perspective on married life with a Latina.  A lot is said about the hunt, but not much from the already married viewpoint.

 

... in response to Re: Dude, I hope you married a therapist..., posted by lswote on Feb 24, 2003

for going through your divorce alone!

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Dude, I hope you married a t..., posted by lswote on Feb 25, 2003

Sorry about the botched post.  I just said that I really feel for you going through your divorce alone. My parents supported me through mine and I don't know what I would have done without them.