Marriage

[Pete E]

... in response to Re: LOL....., posted by Bueller on Nov 3, 2002

Early on at least most of these girls will be more commited to their family that their husband.But they have to want to live with you here to establish a relationship.Its one thing to care about their family,its another to want them to move in here or to make a family members living situation more important than the marriage.

Pete

[JSlo]

... in response to Marriage, posted by Ken2 on Nov 3, 2002

Ken,
The first year of marriage is critical to the survival of a marriage and is quite an adjustment for both parties, the last thing that is needed is outside pressure. Based on your post, you haven't had the opportunity to get through those adjustments together without others being involved.I can speak from experience, I had outside interference for the two years of my marriage. It started 2 months after the ceremony. In every decision that was made, I had to consider how others in her family felt, as opposed to what we wanted. I came to the decision that it wasn't worth the emotional toll and energy drain and ended it. It took me six months to gather the inner strength, but happiness and peace were calling my name very loudly. In essence, the marriage never had a chance, because it was built on a shaky foundation. There was a lot at stake financially, however, peace has no price. Do yourself a favor. Your wife has spoken loud and clear on what is most important to her, unfortunately it wasn't you. If you can live with being second fiddle, go for it. If you want a loving and caring relationship, you know what you have to do. My thoughts and prayers are with you, as this is never an easy situation.

[Ken2]

... in response to Marriage, posted by Ken2 on Nov 3, 2002

Well,  I live near Sterling and she is 33.  I totally understand her culture shock, but she did she pictures of the place I lived, which by the way, was temporary I have been planning to move back to Denver for a while now, she knew this and had me speed up the process. Before leaving Cali I changed her ticket to go thru Virgina first as she was crying pleading she wanted to give a gift personally to her sister as it was gold and not to be sent in the mail.  I gave in, stating that I dont like being "pressured" to make these kinds of decisions,  I told her at that point before leaving Cali,  maybe she should stay or we should seperate until she decides what she really wants.  She said I would dishonor her before her parents who would never forgive her.  After a lenghty discussion we worked that situation out.  

I let her know I wont tolerate any further power struggles as I am the man/head of our home.  (She really does have a SAVIOR to the family complex that has to be broken).  

Cali Vet your right, this mariage has a chance, but only if both parties put the efffort in to it.  At this point I feel I am the major contributor and am desperately trying to understand her "point of view" on things.  Believe me,  although I love her, I wont be her dooor mat.  I have told her twice it is me or back to Cali.  I realize now, you can love someone and still send em packing.

Marriage to an older woman, I now see, has it disadvantages,  she is set in her ways and has "strong" family attachments.  

Time will tell.  We are both evangelical Christians, but I think only one of us is follwing the outline for marriage in Ephesians 5 and I Cor 7.  Marrying a believer in the era of history has as much of a chance for failure as other marriages.  Using your best judgment does not guarentee anything.  I know.  But am still hopeful!  

Ken

[Celt]

... in response to Re: Marriage part 2, posted by Ken2 on Nov 3, 2002

look at Ephasians 5:13

[Hoda]

... in response to Re: Marriage part 2, posted by Ken2 on Nov 3, 2002


the side trip to her family SHOULD have waited. Why couldn't she have atleast come to you first, then the BOTH of you visit her family? Her trying to "speed up" the moving process is BS. I'm sorry for the tone, but moving one's life, isn't like alternate side of the street parking. I ran your wife's comment about "her" family being more important than "Your" marriage & the crying/demanding tantrums by my wife....

Rough translation.....throw it back!!!

[denvermike]

... in response to Re: Marriage part 2, posted by Ken2 on Nov 3, 2002

Hi Ken,

Well Sterling would be a culture shock for me too. It would be double dose for her. I suppose there are a few Mexicans out your way, but the Colombians I knew in Denver did not like the Mexicans much. They also hated when people assumed they were Mexicans just by their look and accent.  

You may not be aware of it, but Denver has a fairly large community of Colombians that could make her life a fair bit easier. I dated a couple of Colombian women in Denver before I moved to Chile. If you need some contacts, I would be glad to pass on phone number for her to call, if you decide to stick it out in Denver.

Good luck,
mike

[JSlo]

... in response to Re: Marriage part 2, posted by Ken2 on Nov 3, 2002

Ken,
You seem logical and very patient in your approach, reflecting your beliefs very well. If your wife will not agree to give the first year to the two of you ONLY, you will greatly reduce the odds of success. I think Slim and None are the operative words on those chances, with Slim already leaving. Your wife is old enough to see the wisdom in giving just the two of you time to get through your adjustment period, without othters included. The others have made it so far without your help, chances are they can still make it. After you've gotten through that first year, then reach out to others. This is very close to me, as I have first hand experience of how it can wreck the best laid plans. Not to mention the toll it takes on you personally.

[denvermike]

... in response to Marriage, posted by Ken2 on Nov 3, 2002

Hi Ken,

Sorry to hear about your situation.  You made one of the classic mistakes, marrying one who already has relatives in the States.  They almost always need money (your money for some reason) and they always want to move in with you. Believe me it won't work. The money drain will never stop, you are the rich gringo, you know.

You are right about one thing, her family will always come before you and your family.

Love can make you do crazy things, but think clearly about your future and what you want before you make anymore mistakes.

If you still want to try to make it work, remember who is the man in the family, and start acting like one.  BE CAREFUL, she may try the "battered wife" claim, move back to Virginia and try to bleed you dry.  

good luck,
mike

Which town were you living in outside Denver?

[Aaron]

... in response to Marriage, posted by Ken2 on Nov 3, 2002

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[Cali vet]

... in response to Marriage, posted by Ken2 on Nov 3, 2002

What a bummer! I agree with others you sound very patient. And I also agree you got a bad one and should probobly get her on a plane to Cali as soon as possible to avoid more problems even though it will be very painfull for you. Of course you know her and we don't. Maybe she will come around and realize she entered into a commitment to you and start to honor it. In any case the sister absolutely can not live with you and I think you should close the checkbook telling her you have to look out for the two of you first but that the two of you can "save up" and send them something later on. I think you should give her an ultimatum when she arrives. Either she's really ready to put her shoulder to starting a life together or it's time to admit it was a mistake and she goes home to Cali.

[Tai]

... in response to Marriage, posted by Ken2 on Nov 3, 2002

[This message has been edited by Tai]

Ken,

It appears like you have much more of an emotional stake in the marriage than your wife does. I mean really, going to visit her sister BEFORE coming to you?

That by itself is bad...but to then leave you to go stay with her sister again, while you move to an area more suitable to her...tell you outright that her family is more important than you are, and add insult to injury by asking if the "more important than you are" sister can come stay with you?

As Hoda would say, DAAAYYYYUM!!

It sounds like either she is very immature and has no real regard for your marriage, or she has no real respect or feelings for you as her "man" and believes that she is running the show.

Either way it does not bode well for your future together, unless you straighten her out REAL QUICK.

Just curious...how old is she? And how long did you know her/how well did you know her - before you married her?

Stay strong & Good luck.

Tai

[Hoda]

... in response to Re: Marriage of convenience?, posted by Tai on Nov 3, 2002


It's DAAAYYYYUUUM......LOL!!!!

On the real, Tai! As soon, as she mentioned she wanted to stop & see her people before me. I would have asked her, how she was gonna get there....LMAO!!!

[BenKramer]

... in response to Marriage, posted by Ken2 on Nov 3, 2002

Ken, I have never been married but it sure sounds like this woman married you as a buisness deal and not out of love. I think you had the right idea when you were thinking of sending her back home. Your marrige should be more important to her than her family, that is if she really loved you. Where you both live should not be an issue that she dictates to you. Did you talk about this before you two got married ? How old is your wife ?

[Nico]

... in response to Marriage, posted by Ken2 on Nov 3, 2002

Man Ken If I was in your shoes I (we) would really be having some nasty fights over a situation like this. You're much more patient than I think I would be.I don't know if you are the religious type or not but for what its worth the bible says that your spouse should be above EVERY person on this earth. That includes even kids. For they (your spouse) is your life long partner.
I agree with your aprehension about having the sister live with you. You've barely begun to establish yourselves as a married couple and she is inviting her family in what should be (at least intitially) personal space for the 2 of you. You were nice enough to let her go to Virginia after just arriving ,plus you sent her family money. Ken I think you need to put your foot down on some of this stuff. Otherwise she's going to keep pushing the limits and you're going to be very frustrated. Good luck to you.Let us know how things go. Drop me an email I live in Denver too.

                   Nico