Marriage

[Ken2]

I thought I'd drop a post and let other guys know how my marriage of about 2 months is fairing.    My wife and I were wedded in Cali in Aug (18).  She did not recieve her Visa until Sept 24.  She then asked if she could visit her sister (who is married to a Colombian but living here on an expired work Visa), and a brother who is employed at a Mc Donalds in Virginia.  She was with them three days before coming to CO. When she was there I wired her some money as the "family" was struggling finacially.  She arrived here the 29th of Sept.  She was here a day before she brgan to complain about the area I live in and begged and then demanded to go back to her sister until I relocated.  I was a little (lot) upset and angry and after three days sent her to Virginia.  Her nephew was sick and her brother in law has been struggling to keep the family above water financially.  So,  along with her culuture shock (I live 150 miles from Denver) I kind of under stood her view.
However,  my point to her was that as newly weds, this was too much on a new relationship.  She, at one point, said her family was more important than our marriage.  I was gonna send her home that week end -  I was ticked.
Her family, for the most part was dissapointed with her stubborness and her decision to go to Virginia, but they did not talk her out of it.  As of late she has been asking if her sister could move here to Denver, (as I have found another job in the city) and stay with us. At first I said Id think about it, now Im not so sure.  As newly weds we need time to grow.  I then told her no.  She said ok. (I'm feel like IM the only one giving in this relationship at times.)
I have a real problem with having illegal immigrants under my roof for one, let alone needing some privacy.  
I feel bad for then, but I cannot help them as I have to take care of my wife and obligations.  I think shel'll come around to reality.  
I love this woman, but was almost at the point of telling her if she wants to be her families Savior, shell have to do it at someone elses expence.  Am I being to hard?   After almost a month Ill see her on Monday.  I really have some mixed feelings, any advise?  

Ken

[Colonialjd]

... in response to Marriage, posted by Ken2 on Nov 3, 2002

I met this guy in Colombia who told me an interesting story.  He said that he had been married to a Hondurena for 9 years.  Six months into their marriage the Hondurena did not yet speak much English, easy to do in Los Angeles.  He had a lawyer draw up divorce papers stating that she was not entitled to any of his income or assets.  He then tricked her into signing them by explaining they were automobile insurance papers.  

Eight years down the track she wanted a divorce and he explained that they had been divorced for eight years.  

This story could be B.S., but it was one of the rare occasions where the guy zooms the girl legally, instead of vice versa.

[Ricky]

... in response to Re: Marriage, posted by Colonialjd on Nov 5, 2002

.

[Pete E]

... in response to Marriage, posted by Ken2 on Nov 3, 2002

Ken,
Stopping off to see her sister was not so bad in my opinion,but wanting to go back to her after a day and a half with you is an entirely different thing.She wants to leave you after 2 days and you let her?I would buy her a one way ticket to Cali.It sounds like you tried to explain where you were living.While it might not be ideal for a Colombiana and it might be a good idea to move to a larger city like Denver,wanting to leave you so soon is totally unaceptable in my mind.I would have told her you stay here or its back to Cali.She wants to be with her sister,not you,or at least her sister more than you.
And I wouldn't feel sorry and give money to these people.They are living in the US.This is not Colombia.Jobs can be had here,at least minimal paying jobs.Millions of immigrants from Mexico are making it,many on 2 minimum wage jobs and managing to send money home.My wife works for a money wiring company.Its amazing to me how much money some people can get together to send to Mexico.They must be working their butts off.
Not only would I not let her sister live with you,I wouldn't want her in the same town.She needs to let her sister make it herself.The best way to do that is for her not to expect help.
This is make it or break it time for your marriage and she seems to be breaking it.All of this shows no concern for you or your marriage.You didn't say how the marriage is other than this.Not good I immagine.You are not being to hard on her but too easy.Get her living with you only and keep a close eye on how its going.Sounds like its not going to work and if that is so its better to end it quickly.If she gets real homesick I would give her a one way ticket to Cali.If its not going to work your better off if she is not here.Do not give her enough money to set up housekeeping here by herself or with her sister.If the sister winds up in Denver she could live with her instead of you.If she establishes a support group here you may never get her back to Cali and she will be much more trouble here.
So tell her you are living with me and not your sister or its over.Its one thing to want to help the folks in Cali,an entirely different thing to want to live with her sister here.
Maybe I'm missing something here,Maybe this woman also has feelings for you but it doesn't sound like it.Sounds like you got the wrong Chica.

Pete

[DallasSteve2]

... in response to Marriage, posted by Ken2 on Nov 3, 2002

Ken wrote:

"My wife and I were wedded in Cali in Aug (18)."

Why?  

Don't marry the girl in her country.  Great for her, but what do you get other than the privilege of signing the support agreement from hell?  Marrying a girl in her country makes it so easy for a green card shark.  She can walk away from you the minute she arrives in the US and legally stay here, at least 2 years, and probably forever.  K1 doesn't guarantee she will love you but it gives you a much better chance to find out who she is and whether she really wants to be with you.

Marriage is not the commitment to these girls that it was to their mothers.  You both need time together here in the US to make that final decision.  And a K1 is just as fast as a consular spousal visa now.  You get to take all the financial risk, she can take a little risk, too.  If not, she doesn't love you.

Steve

[mudd]

... in response to The horse is already out of the barn, posted by DallasSteve2 on Nov 4, 2002

very good point, but SO many men are in such a hurry and they have no idea what they are doing, until they realize  its too late and they're screwed.

[puckster]

... in response to Marriage, posted by Ken2 on Nov 3, 2002

Your position sounds reasonable to me, My X want to move her a girlfriend into my space, running the border from mexico, absoluting not, no. That  would have meant being responseable for one more person and guess who'd been paying the bills?

[Edge]

... in response to Marriage, posted by Ken2 on Nov 3, 2002

Ken - I feel bad for you.  I was a little shocked when you got engaged so quickly to her.  I seem to recall it was a matter of days or less than a week after you met her.  I guess you fell in love with her and went for it.

The real question now since you are sure of your love for her is if she loves you?

Good luck!

[Hoda]

... in response to Marriage, posted by Ken2 on Nov 3, 2002

Dear Ken,

I'm gonna wish "YOU" well. But I'm not getting a warm & fuzzy feeling from your wife. I'm not going to list all the "hell no's" that I've read in your post. But DAAAYUUM!! You're going through way too much drama for the first 60 days!! Right now, it looks like love is flowing in only one direction. You're NOT being too hard!!! Bro, there's too much outside $h*t getting in the way. And it doesn't look like it's gonna get any better. Keep a record of everything (her visits & cost to family, how much time she actually spent w/you). For now, I hate to say it.....

Hope for the best, but expect the worse....

[H2Oh]

... in response to Marriage, posted by Ken2 on Nov 3, 2002

Here's some straight advice. You got taken. Your marriage is over, send her back and start over. Marriage is a 2 ways street, you're on a oneway street. End of story....sorry.

H2-Oh

[mudd]

... in response to Marriage, posted by Ken2 on Nov 3, 2002

Sounds like she used you for a visa to get to her family, and guess who paid the bill. Sorry to say, but your second on her  list of priorities and I doubt it will change. I also would not want a bunch of illegals in my house. im not sure how the INS would deal with it, if they found out that you knew they were illegal, and living in your house, not that its happening now, but im sure she will ask them to live in your house again. Don’t be surprised if it happens, and you find yourself getting pushed out. What happened to “for better or worse" in your marriage? Sounds like she has no desire to even try, or to compromise. one other bad thing, since you married her in cali, and she is already your wife, even if you get divorced, she will not have to go back, and you are the financial supporter for her, since you signed the affidavit of support from the INS. she can get government help, and you get the bill. I wish you good luck, and I hope somehow, it all works out.

[Jebster]

... in response to Marriage, posted by Ken2 on Nov 3, 2002

This doesn't sound good, from the get go. I could not imagine getting married and being very being excited about my wife joining me after the wedding. Then she tells me she wants to make a side trip first, to see her bother and sister, before she goes to the new husband. My friend, that was a huge flag waving and slapping you very hard, right in your face. She doesn't seem to have too much fire in her belly about her new hubby.I think her motivation is not in being a good wife to you. Hope I am wrong, but she sounds like 3000 miles of very rocky road, roundtrip.

[Bueller]

... in response to Marriage, posted by Ken2 on Nov 3, 2002

Someone recently commented in another forum how he was reconsidering going to Colombia because the horror stories just keep rolling in. Here's one more in the making, if you choose to participate. Your #1 priority needs to be finding a woman whose #1 priority is being your devoted wife, and that obviously didn't happen this time.

  There are so many nice women in LA available to a decent guy, you should not put up with even a hint of the above BS. The right woman may not look like a trophy, but she will put you and your marriage FIRST.

  Most of the disasters consist of plenty of red flags (in this case, a sledge hammer painted fluorescent red and slammed in your face) being ignored because the guy couldn't think objectively. My advice, drop her like a lollipop covered with fire ants, and find one who will live with you anywhere and who puts no one ahead of your marriage.

  One other thing: I used to live in Colorado, and can't blame her for not liking the small-town life there. Did you describe it to her realistically in advance? You might think of relocating in any case. I'm not crazy about Florida, but if I were to marry someone from Brazil and then return to the States I might pick FL because it would be easier for her.

[Hoda]

... in response to Horror stories, posted by Bueller on Nov 3, 2002


Daaayuuum, Bueller....

(in this case, a sledge hammer painted fluorescent red and slammed in your face) being ignored because the guy couldn't think objectively. My advice, drop her like a lollipop covered with fire ants, and find one who will live with you anywhere and who puts no one ahead of your marriage.

Stop playing around, and tell us how you REALLY FEEL!!!! C'mon brother B, just because you don't like that "small town" feel, doesn't mean you should down it...lol! I've told guys, that telling the lady the how, where & why of your lifestyle is soooo important. My early belief is that Ken, did his part & that his wife had other plans.

Bueller, one question for ya....What if Florida is easier for her, but real hard for you? Don't you think, this might cause some conflict in your marriage?

a lollipop with FIRE ANTS?!!!!! ....nice touch!!!

[Bueller]

... in response to LOL....., posted by Hoda on Nov 3, 2002

The sledge hammer I was referring to was when she told him flat out that her family was more important than her marriage. You don't tell the rest of your family to take a flying leap, but you do let them know politely that your marriage is now in first position. And if they don't accept that, then you, well...tell them to take a flying leap. Hey, they were probably at the wedding and heard the part about "forsaking all others//becoming one flesh"-- that's what the vows meant!

 As far as the Florida thing, you have a point. I'm comparing it to the Seattle area, though. That area is fantastic from April to October, but around January when it's been three months since the last sunshine you can really start to wonder why you moved there. I'd be open to finding a mutually acceptable state to live in, but more than that I want to marry someone who would live with me anywhere.

(Hoda): "My early belief is that Ken, did his part & that his wife had other plans."

 Probably.