the hard truth

[young gun]

 my lady an i have been having trouble talking, it turns out she and her brother take care of all the bills in the house.the father is not around and the mother does not work. so the girl has a pretty full day with work and school. but i don't feel she makes an effort to talk with me ,i set her up with norms email service so she could email me but she has yet to use it. when i ask her why. she says is very bussy with work an school. yet she want me to call her all the time. i feel i did what i told myself not to do rush into something. now i wonder if are life to gather will be filled with distances. not what i am looking for in a marriage
she is to come to the u.s. on a k1 visa around x-mas. but the thing that i have been givin alot of tought to is when she is gone how will she handle livin the good life while her brother is left as the only one to take care of his family an mother an little sister. if it were me that would not sit well with me ,an i think it would take it toll on are relationship. when i ask her about it she should that thing would be ok. but for the first time i don't see a happy ending with us just alot of trouble in the making. i need some good advice should i stay in the relationship or move on. help guys

[SteveG]

... in response to the hard truth, posted by young gun on Sep 10, 2001

YoungGun,
 I agree with Viajero and TG below.   Her reluctance to make time to email or communicate with you is an indicator of how it will be if you get married.  No, strike that, it will likely be much colder after you are married.

 At the present the relationship is fresh and new.  This is the time when she should still be singing your name and waking up in the morning with a smile on her face as she thinks of you.

 No matter how poor or stressed a woman is, they will make time to show a man he is important to them if they do love him.   You have time for your priorities period.   If she doesn't have time for you then you are not a priority to her.  It hurts to realize that but it's far better now than after you marry her.  

 I know all about what you are experiencing.  I was in exactly the same situation with a Filipina back in 93-94.  She loved for me to call and write constantly but never made a significant effort to communicate or show any effort to let me know I was important to her.   Ultimately I moved on and am now married to a wonderful woman who is totally opposite.   I would worry much more about this than any financial problems if I were you.

                                  SteveG

[HappyIdiot]

... in response to the hard truth, posted by young gun on Sep 10, 2001

Why don't you call her and talk with her about it.

[TG]

... in response to the hard truth, posted by young gun on Sep 10, 2001

I wonder of you should just go ahead and budget a couple hundred dollars a month to be sent to Colombia? It might be a smart move on your part - address it up front and establish a limit as to the amount that you will help out her family.

[buzzy]

... in response to the hard truth, posted by young gun on Sep 10, 2001

I say go and visit her in person and hammer out all the issues.  Take off the blinders ...all of them.  Don't think that her loyalties to family are going to take back burner after you're married.  Set a deadline for improvement..if things don't look better tell her the truth and find a better companion.  Life is supposed to be better with a help-mate...a soul-mate...not worse.  And "too busy" doesn't cut it.  That translates to, "I got better things to do...more important things to do."  And don't accept the diversionary tactics like, "don't worry," or, "everything will work out." It takes alot of work by both to make it happen.

[H2-Oh]

... in response to the hard truth, posted by young gun on Sep 10, 2001

The first red flag I see is her lack of communication. You may have become less important to her. The question is what has become more important? The second red flag is what you mentioned. How can she leave her family if they depend on her so much. It seems that somehow, someway you need to have a heart to heart talk with her. I broke up with a wonderful chica because I couldn't see her leaving her family and coming to the states. I applaud you that you are thinking with your head as well as your heart. You'll make the right decision......you already know what that is.

H2-Oh

[Bueller]

... in response to Re: the hard truth, posted by H2-Oh on Sep 10, 2001

There are so many challenges to be overcome in meeting and building a marriage with someone from another country and culture, let this be the easy part: she should be _eager_ to call you, talk to you, make you a priority in her life.

[Tai]

... in response to the hard truth, posted by young gun on Sep 10, 2001

Young Gun,

A few days ago, you asked the forum about whether or not you should end your engagement with your great looking, fun to be with, fiance(with the bubble butt) that you loved.

You indicated previously that her height was your reason for concern....which wasn't received very well by most.

Now, you provide these "new" concerns you have regarding the relationship, and again ask for an endorsement to dump her.

What is the real deal?

[Michael B]

... in response to Re: Truth???, posted by Tai on Sep 10, 2001

Yeah, that's what I was thinking too. He's in over his head and is looking for an excuse to ditch her-----thereby helping to improve the reputation of the rest of us, of course.

[Travis McGee]

... in response to Re: Truth???, posted by Tai on Sep 10, 2001

Your probably to tall for her.

[Viajero]

... in response to the hard truth, posted by young gun on Sep 10, 2001

Everyone here has made some very good points, and no one can tell you what to do. We can only tell you what we have done or would do in similar situations. In the end, you'll have to make the call.

As far as the financial situation goes, everyone's case is different, and you have to determine if that sits well with you. But the thing that I see here is her reluctance to make time to communicate with you. To me, this is a red flag.

Think about every time a previous relationship you've had was on the verge of breaking up. Chances are, the first casualty was the importance you played in her life (or she played in yours). Last time I was dumped, my ex-novia just couldn't seem to find the time to write or call or even take my calls.

I'm not saying it's over for you and her, but one thing is true in every country and culture - we make time for the things or people that are important to us. How much actual time she can make for you may be different than my sweetie makes for me, but either way she will convey to you how important you are to her. If she does not let you know with words and actions that you are important to her ... guess what? You probably are not a central figure in her life as you should be if you are contemplating marriage.

[TG]

... in response to Re: the hard truth, posted by Viajero on Sep 10, 2001

If it is important enough to her to maintain good contact with you, she is going to do it. If you are not a priority for her now, what makes you think that will change when she is here in the states?

[cdrab]

... in response to the hard truth, posted by young gun on Sep 10, 2001

I can understand how busy her life is , is it possible that norm's place is far away from where she lives and it is difficult for her to get over there, maybe you can just have her go to an internet office closer to her house. Other  thing to consider is that you aren't that important to her but then again if she wants you to call her all the time that is probably wrong.
What does you gut tell you? You must of had good reasons to bring her up on a K1.
Bring her up and see what happens, there is many guys wishing they were in your shoes.
Clint

[denvermike]

... in response to the hard truth, posted by young gun on Sep 10, 2001

Hi,

Latinas are extremely close to their families, more than us gringos can possiblly understand. When you marry a girl from Colombian or Mexico you marry the whole family.  If you think you only have to travel to Colombia once a year to visit, you are not being realistic. If they have financial problems guess who has to pay.  The list will start: someone is sick and needs money for a doctor, so and so lost their apartment and needs money right now, many, many expensive phone calls, they will want to bring half the family to the USA on your nickel.  If you you have married a latina. Colombia is not going to get any better soon, so Plan Colombia might include spending a large portion of your savings.

That's one of the reasons why I stopped looking there, way too much for me.

mike

[captinharry]

... in response to Re: the hard truth, posted by denvermike on Sep 10, 2001

So where are you looking?
And what is your reasoning for that area?
I think  I going to look around Guadalahara, any suggestions or opinions on Mexico.