David W

Two years ago at 43 I started writing and calling women in Colombia.  On my first trip to Colombia I met a stunning, young woman named Luz.  This lady was half my age at 21.  We went to lunch the first day and she said she wanted to marry me, but that she didn't want to have sexual relations until we were married.  Big red flag!  I didn't ask, she just broached the subject 1 hour into our first date.  I said, yes I would marry her, because hey, this is the most charming woman I have ever met.  But, not without some physical intimacy first.  She held her ground, I held mine.

I met another beautiful woman, also named Luz, the next day and she also wanted to marry me.  We made plans, I came back to the US, I started gathering documents, she stopped receiving my phone calls.  I never found out what happened, but about a week later guess who calls?  Luz number 1.  She says she'll accept my condition.  So I go back to Colombia and spend a wonderful week with her.  That was 2 years ago.  We just celebrated our first wedding anniversary.  I won the lottery.  This woman is the most beautiful, charming woman I have ever met.  I don't know why she's with me, but it looks like she's going to stay.

Bottom line, maybe her first offer without sex was legit.  Maybe not.  Do what you think is right.  You've got most of the power in this situation.  The woman in Colombia in most cases are desparate to meet a good man from the US.  But don't use these women either.  They are real human beings.

Steve Gaines

Valid points.

Maybe I was just lucky.  I'd rather be lucky than smart.  Maybe I'm both.  I have a good friend who is methodical and careful.  He also sleeps alone.  He has been trying to find a foreign wife for 2 years.  So far he has a $30,000 hole in his bank account to show for it.

I think my plan was risky, but not reckless.  I knew that when the woman got here we would have 2 to 3 months to get to know each other much better before we got married.  Some people say that's visa abuse, but I don't see a legal prohibition against that.  I think that's part of the reason the system is set up with the waiting period.  If we changed our mind she could have gone back.

Furthermore, I was 43, twice divorced with children.  Not exactly a perfect record.  If it doesn't work out, it's not the end of the world.  So far so good.

No, she wasn't a virgin.  She knew that many foreign men are just "playing" with these women and she didn't want to be played.  That was never my plan.

One correction.  My decision to marry was never based on her consent to sex before marriage.  It was based on physical attraction and how we get along together.  She's very friendly and happy.  She makes me laugh a lot.  We listen to each other.  We exercise together, watch the same Spanish soap operas together, go shopping together. Every minute I spend with her is a blessing.  

And yes, the physical attraction is important.  I think she's the most beautiful woman in the world.  Other men find her very attractive also.  Men young and old, single and married, are constantly hitting on her.  

If I knew it was not going to last I would probably still have done it.  It's been the most wonderful year of my life.  I would do it again in a heartbeat.  I adore this woman!  I thank God for the time that I have with her.  Every marriage ends some day.  I hope this one is until death do us part.

Thanks for writing.

Steve

I think honesty is always the best policy.  I also think it's a good idea to get any surprises out of the way early in any relationship.  If you want a pre-nup, as I did, best to cover that early.  If you snore, or  whatever, better to find out early that there is no future in the relationship than to waste a lot of time and money and be diappointed later.

You have options.  By that I mean that you don't have to "go all the way".  It's possible to have pleasure without intercourse.  In my case, I offered the lady (who is now my wife) that we could be intimate without having actual intercourse.  As I wrote, she initially rejected the idea.  

She was no virgin.  I think she is neither promiscuous, nor a prude.  But she knew that many foreign men just want to play with these women.  She did not want to be played.  That was never my plan.

I still believe strongly, especially if the woman is much younger, that I would want a physical relationship with her before I start the visa process.  These women have a lot of incentive to get that visa.  I would want to be sure that she really can enjoy or at least accept being with me intimately.  She may actually have doubts herself, but she may want to live in the US so much that she tells herself she can accept being with an older man.  When the moment arrives she may balk.  Probably not, but...  

These are the concepts that I would want to discuss with her honestly, and early.

Good luck,

Steve