Self-Imposed Exile

[Bear]

... in response to Waffles and awfuls..., posted by Dave H on Mar 31, 2001

Hey!!!  I like grits.  With butter on them.  Yummm.

Bear

[Dave H]

... in response to My opinion, posted by Bear on Mar 31, 2001

N/T

[humabdos]

... in response to My opinion, posted by Bear on Mar 31, 2001

n/t

[Tim]

... in response to Self-Imposed Exile, posted by Howard on Mar 31, 2001

Well, your update really saddens me. This is one time I really wish I had more experiences with Filipino culture. But you know that's not my forte'.

I think the advice about counseling is good. At the very least you can see her reaction to it when you bring the subject up. If she refuses, that definitely sends a signal.

Howard, didn't you tell us that you guys used "instant Adjustment of Status" for K-1ers at the Detroit INS office ? This means that your wife already has her I-551 stamp in her passport and might even have received her conditional (2-year) green card by now, yes ?

I'm not trying to pry. But if we can examine the facts, we might find some correlations that fit the timeline of when things started to go south in your relationship.

Hang in there,

Tim

[greg]

... in response to Self-Imposed Exile, posted by Howard on Mar 31, 2001

Kumusta!!! Howard, welcome home. I'm sorry, but what's happening between you and your wife doesn't sound good. My ex American Pinay G/F of two years treated me exactly the same way your being treated now. She wanted me to accept her bad behavior, her excuses was always her culture. I tried my best to get us into joint counseling, she refused so I had no choice but to end the relationship. You both need joint marriage counseling with someone that understand the Filipino culture. Or maybe what HumB said about her true intentions is correct. God bless, greg

[Jeff2]

... in response to Self-Imposed Exile, posted by Howard on Mar 31, 2001

Particularly with a counselor that specializes in inter-cultural relationships?  Counseling oftentimes gets a bad rap, but it can be helpful.  Your marriage sounds like mine during  its last four years.  My ex and I were good roommates and friends, but not a couple; we had separate lives and were both unfullfilled.

It does not sound like you are communicating, or sharing your lives.  You do not seem to be growing together.  I doubt that either of your needs are being met.  That is a long term prescription for a mess.

Are you able to take time to be with her?  I understand the pressures of work, but you also have to make time to be with your wife.

You mentioned that you feel like you married a stranger.  I think that we all do; it just matters on how well we are able to build on the foundation.

I hope that I do not seem too blunt; I am very straight-forward.  I do feel for you, and admire you willingness and ability to share your feelings here; not all of us could do that.

udachi... Mabuting kapalaran... Buena suerte

Jeff

[humabdos]

... in response to Have you considered counseling?, posted by Jeff2 on Mar 31, 2001

Counseling? You will never get a filipina to a marriage counseler . I have talk to many many many people married to filipinas they will not go!  There are no marriage counselers in the Philippines. It is done by a preast or a family member. I tried many many times to get my wife to go with no results.  Humabdos

[humabdos]

... in response to Self-Imposed Exile, posted by Howard on Mar 31, 2001

This will be short but not sweet.  I went throught some of the things you talk about. I know you don't want to hear this but it sounds to me she is just hanging around to get her Green card. Toward the end of my four year marriage my wife acted the same way! I could not take it. She left and had an affair with her best friend's  (a filipna) boy friend. My friend Howard it sounds like its going to be very very hard to save this marriage from what I just heard. My heart goes out to you. There are many other people on Mag-anak and PL in the same boat. Humabdos

[tito]

... in response to Re: Self-Imposed Exile, posted by humabdos on Mar 31, 2001

Hum,

Just a question.You said at the "end" of you four year marriage your wife exhibited some of the same tendencies.How was the first couple of years?Was it a good realtionship with only some cultural differences?Well, if so, then your case is totally different then what Howard is expierencing in his first six months!!!

People, people...please, can we leave money and green cards out of this for just a little while.We all know both sides of the story.Yes, its important to hear the good and the bad.But, Jeez, the RP is not the US no matter how good the girls speak english or no matter how much Filipinos love things "made in America".Cultural differences are bigger threats to these relationships than green cards.It is time to get back to basics!

Howard...I wish I could offer you some advise.I am where you where 9 months ago.I have visited my fiance on her turf and things were great.We communicate daily and things are still great.Now how things will be in 9 months I can't say.
She says I love you after I say it to her.She always writes it on her emails.We always talk about communicating and she has told some things she doesn't like but has always pretty much deferred to me.She seems open enough(for a Filipina) and is affectionate.Did you talk openly about communication while you were still apart?Did she seem affectionate before you were married?Sorry to ask questions when its you looking for advise but I am trying to learn.If I need to talk more to my fiance about the need to tell me things I will.I was under the impression she understood but maybe I better hammer it home more.These are culture differences!!
Thanks for coming back and sharing your thoughts.I will be reading this thread with interest.If we can keep on topic about human emotions,cultural differences,Men are from Earth and Women are from Venus;)then this will be a learning expierence.I will now sit back and defer to the guys already married to and living with their spouses to help you with some real advise.Good luck to you,Howard.

Wishing you the best,

tito

[Howard]

... in response to Re: Re: Self-Imposed Exile, posted by tito on Mar 31, 2001

Tito,

Don't apologize, through discussing this I will find the truth, or at least the courage to declare an ultimatum, if it comes to that.

To answer your questions: Yes to all of them.  When we were in the Philippines we had a blast.  Before she got here she would end every phone conversation with "I Love You" and all of her letters ended that way.  I always told her how important it was for the two of us to communicate and she agreed.  She was way more affectionate in the Philippines.  If there is anything I missed, just ask me agiain specificly, but as far as I can tell the answer to you questions is 'Yes'

You were always my favorite Jackson :c)

H

[greg]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Self-Imposed Exile, posted by Howard on Mar 31, 2001

It's soooo true, just becuz a Pinays soo good in RP, doesn't mean that she's going to be that same sweet loving Filipina in USA. America can really change any Woman for the worst, especially if she cannot accept the culture shock and being away from her family and friends in the Philippines. That's why I'm pondering relocating to RP at retirement time, soo that my Mahal can stay the same sweet loving person. Of course she's coming here to visit now and then, but to live in America??? I just don't believe America is a good country for Relationships and Marriages, only for education, luxuries and hospital care hehehehee. greg

[nealtl]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Self-Imposed Exile, posted by greg on Mar 31, 2001

And snow

[Jimbo]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Self-Imposed Exile, posted by nealtl on Mar 31, 2001

and Guns!

[humabdos]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Self-Imposed Exile, posted by Howard on Mar 31, 2001

Your story sounds a lot like shadows although his didn't last as long as yours. How soon after she got here did she change?

[Mars]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Self-Imposed Exile, posted by humabdos on Mar 31, 2001

I believe she is setting you up to be the bad guy. She is getting close to your Mother and Aunt and others because she is in the process of building consensus against you. My sons' mother did this to me. In the company of others and in public, she gave the impression everything was hunky dory but behind closed doors her behavior was exactly as you described your wifes. In the end, I looked very bad....like I caused the relationship to disintegrate when in reality I was the one who tried to keep it together. In the long run, I was vindicated. I have custody of my son and I have not seen or heard from her since 1994. Now everyone knows who was the victim and perpetrator. Anyway....It is just my guess in regards to your situation. I could be wrong but if I were you, I would get out and fast. There is no sense in continuing to feel like you did something wrong and un-loved when in my eyes you have NOT done anything wrong except be a caring individual who wants to be loved, I have followed your story from the start Howard and I think you are a great Human Being. You deserve much better and you will find it. Peace Man