Self-Imposed Exile

[FL]

... in response to Self-Imposed Exile, posted by Howard on Mar 31, 2001

To the letter, you described the relationship I had with my ex-AW, so IMHO, the cultural differences is not necessarily as big a part of the picture. Both you and your wife had preconceived ideas of what the others role in a marraige was. It was these ideas that didn't manifest that seems to be the major issues, not who you are, but who you were SUPPOSED to be. I also, from what you've written don't buy the "green card" scam idea. The advise has already been given, COUNSELING !!!!!Outside help, away from family and friends.This is more than the two of you can do on your own. I might also suggest you let her and you start with individual sessions, Which is the way most counselors would do it. I do have a question. Thru your early relationship, was there a time when you felt there was total and complete communication? Good Luck, my heart goes out to your plight, I've been there FL

[Jimbo]

... in response to Re: Self-Imposed Exile, posted by FL on Mar 31, 2001

FL,

With this line you are right on the mark:

"Both you and your wife had preconceived ideas of what the others role in a marraige was. It was these ideas that didn't manifest that seems to be the major issues, not who you are, but who you were SUPPOSED to be."

An immature person will have trouble in marriage because they've had their head in the clouds, producing the dilemma described above.

But I think you discount the green card issue to readily.  When her friends become more important than her husband, this is a real possibility.  Guys like Kevin and Huma have been down that road, and I wouldn't dismiss their thoughts so easily - at least until you've walked a mile in their shoes.

Jim

[FL]

... in response to The preconceived partner, posted by Jimbo on Mar 31, 2001

Hi Jimbo,
    I don't dismiss the "green card shark" mentality. But I also do not readily dismiss a problem as "there's a problem, therefor, she's a scammer" attitude either. There's been a vast variety of responses, from do everything you can, don't give up, to tell her to shape up or ship out. Some advice was, look within each other, mine was look to professionals, some was send her home. Mine was one opinion of many. Someday I will have walked a mile in their shoes. Someday I may very well be in the same shoes, I hope not, but I hope that by being here I will go away with some insight as to what to what possibilities and situations to expect. However for the sake of my own relationship and it's future success, I can not look at my fiance with suspicion and doubt, especially when she has given no reason to, only others have. For me thats an obligation I have to her/us, not a choice. In the case of Howard, by his own admission, she was left to be independent, so it's only natural that she would seek the company where ever she could find it. Did she find her friends/his relatives more important or more available? But, does she have photo albums of her and her friends or her and her husband?
 Again, most of what Howard described in his situation, hit home with me but it was wih an AW. Is what he is dealing with a marraige issue or a cultural issue? Maybe a little of both? I sometimes wonder if we think that by going this route for a partner that we think that many of the natural pitfalls of marriage can be avoided and if they aren't, well it's either a cultural thing or, she's a shark. Thanks, FL

[nealtl]

... in response to The preconceived partner, posted by Jimbo on Mar 31, 2001

Well i don't agree with you 100% my first wife was Korean adopted here in the USA at age 9 she did the same thing to me as the others had happen to them we where married 19 years 1 day after i told her i was broke she was gone
what is that sayeing (only in America)
tneal

[humabdos]

... in response to Re: Self-Imposed Exile, posted by FL on Mar 31, 2001

I guess you don't know much about the PI or Phil to recommend a marriage counsseling. 95% wont go and if they would they will not listen to a stranger. Sorry Fl I don,t know much about you or how many times you have been to the Philippines but there are no marriage counselers in PI. Or If there are their so few and far between no one knows about them. From what experrence do you speak from? Humabdos

[greg]

... in response to Re: Re: Self-Imposed Exile, posted by humabdos on Mar 31, 2001

I had my doubts that Filipinas were interested in counseling. Yeah, I remember hearing that they were uninterested, but I wasn't sure if most felt the same. There's something serious wrong in Howard's marriage picture(tooo many awful red flags), that's exactly how most AWs treat the AMs, at least we may get the sex. Our search for love and happiness abroad was to get something much better than the AWs could offer us Guys, not to get something worst or the same. Life's too short for us to be involved in an unhappy marriage or relationship. If problems cannot be solved, we need to acknowledge our mistakes and move on to more greener pastures. greg

[FL]

... in response to Re: Re: Self-Imposed Exile, posted by humabdos on Mar 31, 2001

There's always exceptions to your experiences, Howards not married to your ex., strange, but true. I don't know much about you, know more than I care to, but what I do read is if there's any kind of a problem in a relationship, she's a green-card shark-get rid of her! Mine was, yours is! What does it matter if there are or aren't counselors in the Phils. They aren't in the Phils. Maybe she won't go, but....Is it even remotely possible that your negative, quick to judge, condemn and insulting personality helped in the demise of your relationship?

[Jimbo]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Self-Imposed Exile, posted by FL on Mar 31, 2001

Unsolicited speculation on the causes of another person's failed marriage is very poor form here, IMO.

Jim

[FL]

... in response to Not cool, posted by Jimbo on Mar 31, 2001

So are names like Stupid, Idiot, Suck -up and Mr. Brown noser. We'll forget the threats of physical harm.

[Jimbo]

... in response to Re: Not cool, posted by FL on Mar 31, 2001

nt

[Bear]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Self-Imposed Exile, posted by FL on Mar 31, 2001

nt

[humabdos]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Self-Imposed Exile, posted by FL on Mar 31, 2001

pISS OFF BASTERD DON'T EVER RESPOND TO MY POST AGAIN GOT IT! HUMABDOS

[humabdos]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Self-Imposed Exile, posted by humabdos on Mar 31, 2001

What I ment to say in my fit of rage was : Please don't reply to my posts nor will I reply to yours. Thank you
         
               Humabdos

[FL]

... in response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Self-Imposed Exile, posted by humabdos on Mar 31, 2001

n/t

[kevin]

... in response to Re: Re: Self-Imposed Exile, posted by humabdos on Mar 31, 2001

When my ex was actualling perpetually cold and hostile towards me, I suggested marriage counseling.

Her reaction:  "Why is is that Americans go to psychiatrists?!  We don't have psychiatrists in the Philippines!  Now I know this is because alot of Americans are crazy!"

- Kevin