It has been far too long since I have shared my life with my friends here.  I have been in
an evil place and didn’t want to infect anyone else with my negative opinions.  It’s funny
how the best advice can come from the most unlikely of sources.  A friend of mine,
whom I NEVER take advice from, gave me the best advice I have had in a long time.
When discussing certain things that are going on in my life, in a moment of
weakness--funny how the need to vent knows no appropriate time, place or company
:c)--he looked me square in the eye and suggested that I get back online and reach out to
those in similar circumstances to look for answers.  So here I am, back again :c)

I had tried to ask vague questions and sought advice from you guys before I turned into a
cyber-hermit, but everyone’s reply just made me more depressed!  I know that everyone
was trying to help, and I totally appreciate the effort everyone made!, but I was too down
to realize that many were probably just doing what I was; Living in a dream world!  Life
just isn’t that rosy.  I certainly hope that everything is as good as everyone made things
out to be in each of our individual relationships, I wouldn’t wish unhappiness to anyone
here, but c’mon...  Anyway, I can only speak for myself, but that I will do at length :c)
LOL!

Why did it take me so long?  Pride.  I didn’t want to give anyone the chance to snicker to
themselves that everything didn’t turn out just how I thought that it would.  Not that I
think that anyone here would, I was just being selfish and now see the error of my ways.  I
also didn’t want to put doubt in anyone’s mind that they may face similar bumps in their
road.  Then again, when anyone posted anything negative when I was posting regularly I
could easily dismiss their warnings and assume that I was a little smarter than them, so I
was covered.  Pride.  Maybe the most damaging of sins.

I realize now that it is important that everyone sees both sides, the negative and positive
in our chosen path to bliss.  The road we travel is no more or less certain than more
conventional methods of choosing a bride, no matter what we make ourselves believe.
For every happy poster that we can’t shut up--I say that with a smile :c)--there are those of
us who simply disappear assuming that we have done something wrong.

Before I go any farther I want to make it clear that my wife and I are fine!  Ayesa is as
good a wife as she knows how to be and I am the same as a husband.  We do our best to
work together to make sure that in our personal quests for happiness we aren’t making the
other miserable :c) and are trying desperately to build a relationship that will stand the
test of time.  I love my wife and that will never change.  I’m sure in her own way she
loves me as well, but in that statement lies a large part of what I will be seeking advice on
from my comrades and friends.

Recently, the reality has hit me that I am living with a stranger.  Lately it seems that no
matter how hard I try, I am not getting through to my wife.  We live a relatively peaceful
life and seem happy, but are we?  The real answer is, I don’t know.  For the most part I
am happy.  When asked, my wife says that she is as well.  But, we don’t communicate.
We don’t talk about anything, which is obviously tough for someone who has an opinion
on EVERYTHING!  LOL!  I have tried to include her in my life, discuss my job, the
household finances, politics, religion, art, ANYTHING!, but she seems uninterested.

At first, I chalked everything up to homesickness.  When she would lie around on the
couch for the better part of the day, I would assume it was the time change.  When I
would try to have a discussion with her she would often get frustrated and blame her lack
of English as her reason for not talking to me.  It has now become a family effort to
justify her behavior and everything has a reasonable explanation.  It’s very easy to chalk
most things up to the ‘difference in cultures’.  That seems to be the favorite excuse.
Really I’m tired of trying to figure moods her out and am now just trying to find away to
get her to tell me what’s really on her mind.

The best I can figure--and I am flying blind here--is that my fatal error was wanting her to
be independent.  Because of my situation--I work waaaaaay too much--I have allowed her
to become dependent on everyone except me.  My wanting to let her adjust naturally and
not be in her face all of the time seems to have put me at a disadvantage in gaining her
trust.  I mean I know she trusts me.  I know that she knows that I would die before letting
harm come to her.  But right now, she doesn’t seem to need me or my approval for
anything.  Her and my mother get along famously, which I support, but it seems as if she
is far more worried about my mothers approval than mine.  That’s just wrong.  We have
had an on going discussion about how ironic it is that. no matter how much we love each
other, we have alot of trouble being what the other expects in a spouse.  She expects me
to be her father a lay down the law, but I am programmed from my past relationships to
give advice and support rather than orders.  I expect her to like my friends’ wives and tell
me that she loves me, hold my hand and shower me with the romance that I have been
denied in my past relationships.  She has only her parents to use as a yard stick and they
never display emotion, that she has seen and only say they love each other when long
absences are involved.  I don’t demand anything, beyond fidelity, so she does as she
pleases.  She has friends, mostly all Filipino, that she feels no need to introduce me to, let
alone have me go out with.  She has no interest in my friends any longer and every one of
the bent over backwards to accommodate her from the moment she got here!

Around everyone else she is animated and delightful.  When we are alone she is sullen an
aloof to my very existence.

We do not make love.  Around the time of the wedding we dealt with the issue of her
virginity very cautiously.  I am neither callous nor self absorbed.  I wanted her to ease into
the most intimate area of our relationship, so I applied absolutely no pressure.  After the
wedding she has become less and less interested in the physical aspect of our relationship
to the point where I am so used to being rebuked now that I rarely ever even try to steal a
kiss.  I am at my wits end and have done everything with her best interest and our
long-term goals at heart.  I am nowhere near giving up, but I am growing frustrated with
our lack of progress as a couple.  When I am upset I simply protect myself from feeling
anything.  I was once so tired of feeling numb that I rearranged my entire life to meet a
girl from a far away place to be my companion.  I am not naive, I know that I can’t expect
someone else to bring me happiness.  In order to be happy, you must first learn to accept
yourself and I’m ok with who I am.  I just wonder why this seems to be going so poorly to
spite all of my best efforts

Hopefully all of this will work itself out in time.  In the mean time input is appreciated :c)

Thanx for listening :c)

H

... in response to Re: Self-Imposed Exile, posted by rgg on Apr 1, 2001

rgg,

Sounds like a good idea! I found a sari sari store in my town that rents Philippine videos. I have tried to get my future sister-in-law (lives near me) to go rent some, to help with her home sickness. Looks like I will have to go rent them for her. They even have some of Erap's action videos. The Filipino Rambo! ;o)

Dave H.

... in response to Re: Self-Imposed Exile, posted by curt on Mar 31, 2001

N/T

... in response to cbf, that was positively......., posted by Jimbo on Mar 31, 2001

Hi Jim,

Really, what the hell was that?!?!? Looked POSITIVE to me too!

Jay

... in response to ROFL !, posted by Jimbo on Mar 31, 2001

n/t

... in response to Re: cbf, that was positively......., posted by Jay on Mar 31, 2001

I tamed cbf LOL!

... in response to Before I forget, posted by Carrisse on Mar 31, 2001

Carrisse,

"You should be her best friend first before letting her make friends outside the home."

....this is a wise statement, IMO.

Jim

... in response to Period of adjustment, posted by Carrisse on Mar 31, 2001

I am putting myself on the line here so pls bear with me....

The security of a loving and secure environment has gone,  and it's the time that BOTH the REAL YOU will come out.  You probably have forgotten that it is also a very difficult time for her,  that she herself is afraid, treading on eggshells, watching her every move for fear that she might not be what you wanted.  She wants everything to be perfect for you and that makes her very vulnerable.

But Carrisse is right,  I would want to be told of what is expected of me.  Some of us, find it very difficult to speak of our love, more so demonstrate our love.  Even if deep in our hearts and in our minds we imagine the sweetness of holding hands, hugging, cuddling and making love,  we have to contend that in our culture and society such public display of affection done by any filipina puts her in somewhat a negative light.  You  have to give her time to adjust to that and I am sure,  once the reality sets in that she is now free and not be frowned upon for really showing such feelings for you then you'll know how much love a filipina can shower you.

The scariest (and I mean that literally) is in fact, the s*x.  We have never been raised to discuss such things, more so, ask anyone about it.  Believe it or not, what we hear mostly about the  "first" time is how scary and difficult/painful it is  (pls pardon my words...*S*). This is something that could be aproblem for her as well.  The concern of her pleasing you.
Remember, there are no books that could guide us in that but ONLY the man that we love.