Thank you all so much for your overwhelming support!  All of your advice is much appreciated, please keep it coming!

I know it looks bad, becuase it's hard to get everything out on paper.  How do you sum up an entire relationship in one post?  If nothing else, just getting this off my chest makes me feel better!  I am back to feeling like myself and ready to take this challenge head on!

It would take forever to respond to each and every one of you individually, so I decided just to make another post and share more of what's going on in the hopes that we can continue this discussion.  I value the input from each and every one of you even if I don't like or agree with what you have to say.  Where the Hell is Ray when ya need him?  LOL!

I see the things that most of you do, but I see more than that.  I have been in a three month depression that has only made me withdraw, but NO more!  I am ready to lick this problem and get on with my life, our life.

Here are some little things that make me think that this is my fault.  I am the elder and more the more mature of us, no matter what your definition :c)  LOL!

First of all, from every indication I can see, her family is on my side.  I tried talking to her mother, who writes me individually and has been begging for my patience since Ayesa got here.  In her own words Ayesa can be stubborn and difficult.  When I wrote her mother of the difficulties we are having--I am always optomistic and merely ask her mother for guidence in getting to know her daughter better--her mother wrote Ayesa a letter scolding her for not minding me and told her that her family would be shamed by a divorce.  Her words were something like 'Divorce is not something we believe in.  You must obey your husband becuase he such a good and loving man...'

Now, I freaked out when I saw the 'D' word in the letter!  But the more I thought about it, I realized that this is how her mother is.  She has been petrified, that Ayesa will disappoint me and that I will 'get tired of her'.  I am pretty good at knowing who my friends are and I would bet my life that her parents are on my side.  Her whole family writes me!  They don't ask for anything, they just make conversation and treat me like a son/brother that is away at college.  If there is anything cooking in her head, her family has no clue.  Her mother and father constantly refer to me as their oldest son, this has got to piss her little brother off!  I could be wrong, but I am pretty sure her family is behind me.  Her mother writes my mother and showers my mother with compliments on the job she did raising me.  I know this smells like manipulation, but if you met her mother you wouldn't think so.  There is an honesty in her mother that I cannot describe in words, but know is there.  It is obvious that her mother likes me and I can't believe she could be a part of the plot.

There are also little things that make me feel ashamed for doubting her.  I put all of my pictures in a box.  I am just not a big picture guy.  Ayesa digs the ones of us together out and puts them in frames all over the house.  If she hated me why would she do this?  Also, when looking for something in our room, I found some picture albums with things written on them in Ayesa's handwriting.  Actually I didn't know what they were until I opened them,  She has literally a hundred pictures of us that I never even knew existed!  She has pictures from her shower and our wedding--behind the scenes stuff--that I have never seen.  Why would she have so many pictures of us together if she was planning on dumping me, now that she has her green card?  One of the books is less than two weeks old, because I was with her when she bought it.  I asked her what it was for when I saw it and she said 'Oh... it's just something for me... just girls stuff'  Now it's right next to where she sleeps and it's filled with her and me.  What can someone assume from that?

I really don't think that Ayesa is cold to me out of indifference, I think she is embarrassed that she doesn't know how to act.  I think it's my responsibily to figure out how to reach her, so that we can both be happy.  I just don't know exactly how.

Your opinions are welcomed and appreciated :c)

H

About sex:

I remember a friend who got married. After a week, me and some of our friends asked her about her first night. LOL. She said after a week nothing happens, and it reach to a month. Sounds weird. And we asked her why, she said she's afraid and nervous. Everytime her husband gets near her she freaks out. The last thing i've heard about her is that she has five kids already.

Spend time with her.

Stephen and I have no problem with these because we are always together. I work with him in his office.
But besides that, we have time to go to the movies, we go to church on sundays, and afterwards stroll around the mall and share an ice cream.  

We go to parks, sit there and talk about little things and big things like having kids and having my parents come to visit us. We talk about what we're going to have for dinner.
Just few weeks ago, we went to San Diego and spent the night there.

About TAMPO (silent treatment or sulking)

I have mine too. I just tell stephen to just leave me alone and I will explain to him later what i'm mad about. And he knows how to dealt with it too. He just change the subject by bringing me to the mall....shopping. But he said, he can't take more than $200 worth of Tampo every month.

By the way, we Filipinas get silent with tampo.  American women scream and shout.  Which do you men prefer?

Just my opinion,

Tess Brittain

P.S.

I think Ray is very busy right now because his wife is coming on April 2.

Dave H.

After 25 years of dating Latinas and 12 years of marriage, I finally decided that I wanted some peace in my life. I like to relax in my home, not run from it. ;o) I like the Asian calmness. I did date a Japanese woman when I was 23. You're a lucky man! Filipinas have some of the Spanish "Spice (SS)," but it seems to be mild or medium when compared to the "caliente" of most of the Latinas I have been involved with. Some of my relationships were like; "Get in, buckle up, and hold on.!" ;o) I like that feeling in a car or roller coaster, but not in a relationship. I will take tampo any day!

Dave H.

Hi Howard,

   This is Melly, Steveg's wife.  I've read your story.  I've been reading the post here lately. But can't post because my hands are always full taking care of the baby.  Sorry to hear things are not going smooth lately with your marriage.  AND, I admire you for not giving up yet!  You sounds like you're terribly hurt again.  I think there is a big chance for both of you to save this marriage.  The way, you descbribed things, seems like Ayesa still cares about you a lot.  And that is a good sign.  Maybe she is not used to displaying her affection but deep down in her heart she loves you.
I remember way back when i first got here, we had few rough times together too. I cried and felt hurt a lot.  Mostly because of miscommunication & misunderstanding.
"I have difficulty in expressing myself when i feel bad or hurt" without sounding harsh. I don't sound constructive in discussing things when I'm in that mood.  Many times, i have to wait until i calm myself down before talking about the problem.  And that silence will be misunderstood by my husband, like I was mad at him or maybe he thought I don't love him anymore etc..  Most of the guys would refer this behavior as "tampo" or sulking.  And if this silence is misunderstood and not handled properly  it can get worst. Don't hesitate to make the first move if you feel like she is calm enough to start talking.  Sometimes our pride will keep us for starting the conversation. Try not to allow this silence last for days.  The earlier you resolve the problem the better. Steve learned this thing about me.  And things started getting better ever since. The good thing about us is we will always give time to talk our indifferences afterwards.  Admitting our mistakes, saying "Sorry" to each other and make up.

Adjusting to a new surroundings & culture is not easy.  In those early days, I want Steve to be around most of the time. I didn't have friends yet and he was the only one i got. And I was trying to learn & adjusting to almost everything here. And I need somebody i can be comfortable with.
You mentioned, you work too much.  Maybe, it's time for you to slow down a little bit and spend more time with her.  And maybe get to know more about each other. And try not pushing things too much too soon for her. Learning takes time.  Let  her know  that communication in a marriage or any relationship is very important.  And in a relationship it is always two-ways to make it work.

Hope there is something we can do to help things get better.  It just sadden me to think after  all the efforts, emotions, money & time spent still things are not going well.  My heart goes out for both you.  Hope things will get better soon.

Melly