Things have been a little slow around here, so I thought I’d entertain y’all with a little controversial sacrilegious humor today. Enjoy.
God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire
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God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about God?
___ Newspaper
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Other Book
___ Television
___ Divine Inspiration
___ Word of mouth
___ Mentioned during sexual climax
___ Dead Sea scrolls
___ My mama done tol' me
___ Near Death Experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ Burning Shrubbery
___ Who?
___ Other (specify): _____________
2. Which model God did you acquire?
___ Yahweh
___ Jehovah
___ Allah
___ Just plain God
___ Krishna
___ Buddha
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)
___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak)
___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak)
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes
__ No
If not, please describe the problems you initially countered here. Please indicate all that apply:
___ Not eternal
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Requires sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
___ Too easily forgives transgressions
___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
___ Did not give us this day our daily bread
___ Requires time consuming penance
___ Micromanages personal life
___ Background music during divine intervention is Rock rather than Mozart or Bach
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the universe
___ Burns foliage other than shrubbery
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God? Please check all that apply.
___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Needed a reason to martyr myself
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed target for rage
___ Recent centerfold image
___ Hate to think for self
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ To piss off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Enjoy organ music
___ Needed benefactor for gambling habit
___ Needed to feel morally superior
___ Near zero probability of life in the universe without one
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply:
__ Self-help books
__ Tarot, Astrology
__ Star Trek re-runs
__ Fortune cookies
__ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll
__ Biorhythms
__ Astral Projection
__ Television
__ Mantras
__ Jimmy Swaggart
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Wandering around in desert
__ Burning shrubbery
__ Other:____________________
6. Have you ever worshiped a false God before? If so, which false God were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
___ Odin
___ Cthulhu
___ Lottery
___ Baal
___ Beelzebub
___ The Almighty Dollar
___ myself
___ Alien parasite disguised as deity
___ Mick Jagger
___ Bill Gates
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ Ronald Reagan
___ An all-powerful supercomputer
___ A burning cabbage
___ mushrooms
___ Other: ________________
7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith.
Which would you prefer... (circle one)?
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know - what's Divine Intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God's handling of the following: (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):
Disaster:
1 2 3 4 5 flood
1 2 3 4 5 famine
1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 war
1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 plague
1 2 3 4 5 AOL
1 2 3 4 5 Republican Congress & President
1 2 3 4 5 Jerry Lewis
1 2 3 4 5 Democratic Congress & President
1 2 3 4 5 my last relationship
Miracles:
1 2 3 4 5 rescues
1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 molds in shape of Virgin Mary
1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 bodies of water parting
1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over towns
1 2 3 4 5 Republican Congress / Democratic President
1 2 3 4 5 Democratic Congress / Republican President
1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
1 2 3 4 5 clear and competent statements by the President
1 2 3 4 5 my present relationship
9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):
1 2 3 4 5 God's Courtesy
1 2 3 4 5 answers to your prayers
1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met?
1 2 3 4 5 How are your shrubs doing?
10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet(s) if necessary.)
Poster's disclaimer: Because some people are far too quick to jump the negativity cannon, I will clarify that I did not personally write this (or at least not most of it), I simply have been made aware of its existence and thought that potentially it may be enjoyable for the rest of you.
