Newbies: Get your emotional house in order,

[BrianN]

before you leap.

If ones emotional faculties have been in disarray previously, and you're looking for a new place to settle them, then go VERY SLOW at this process.  Running to Russia to find a chick bring her over and change hers, (and yours) entire life, and emotional components, is a VERY dangerous situation.

I'm 44 and been through emotional hell over the last 24 years, but there's never a day that I can't learn something new.  If your a dude that's got a dream, to be with a dream woman, then forget it.  Throw that baby out with the bathwater because it just WON'T work. You will get screwed because you trust too easily, and you're blind to the real warning signs. It seems so easy... find a cute russian chick on the internet that likes you and bring her over here.  No.

For some people this will work.  But for most it won't. There are exceptions for every rule, and never forget it.  IE, you could be a millionaire if you follow my plan for only 19.95.  Don't ever fall for success stories of am/rw marriages in your own dream world.  It takes WORK!  There is no difference between a am/rw relationship once here, (besides being a bit exotic), than being married to the head waitress at the local waffle/huddle house.  Yeah, maybe you can give her a better life, but after she's here and wakes up to usa reality, does it make you special winner man if you're a loser?  Absolutely not.  It only emphasizes it.

Dam it, if you're an american looking for a russian babe cause all the amerikanitz just suck, then go for it, but if you can't do it with both feet on the ground, then don't bother.  Give it time.  Don't file for a K1 the millisecond after you arrive back from visiting your babe.

Do some homework and read the posts by Jack (read INTO his posts HARD --- to understand the real meaning), Oscar (Experienced guy that's not as ruthless as Jack or LP and gets paid for his work and enjoys time here - if you read his posts, all of them, you'll know he's really grounded where it's necessary), LP (he's a jerk but he just might save you from self-destruction via waking you up to your own disillusion), and then there's a bunch of Marks and Kens on this board... look at them too.  Nothing wrong with being a good guy that's had a great time with it all and posting personal experiences.

Just don't fall head over heels in love with a DREAM.

Dreams never work unless they become ideas.
Ideas never work unless a plan is made.
Reality never occurs unless consistent evaluation and action is employed to make a dream/idea a reality...  

The reality of it all never happens until you exercise it consistently, and can make a life of it emotionally and become secure in it between you and your supposed wife, at a distance.

In all, sht never happens until all of this comes together.  

Be careful what you wish for.  Just never ignore the negative signs and go real slow at interpreting those... in favor of your dream.  It will kick your but and you'll lose if you're blind to your own  reality.

Get your own house in order first.  Then evaluate and work your plan, and understand that this is not only your needs, means, motives, and emotions, but hers too; just like your own.  Never, forget what she needs.

You ain't her God, and You never will be.

Enuf.

[WmGo]

... in response to Newbies: Get your emotional house in ord..., posted by BrianN on Dec 20, 2002

stuff

[tim360z]

... in response to Newbies: Get your emotional house in ord..., posted by BrianN on Dec 20, 2002

1

[LP]

... in response to Newbies: Get your emotional house in ord..., posted by BrianN on Dec 20, 2002

[Robert D]

... in response to Newbies: Get your emotional house in ord..., posted by BrianN on Dec 20, 2002

Good points and strangly why I did not go for it.  I communicated with a lovely Russian woman, for about a year, then went to visit.    The visit was nice and she seemed very nice and everthing she appeared to be in her letters.   She did not ask for money before, but I offered anyway once I read about the costs of internet use there, and the very low salaries.  (she was a store clerk and making $30 a month.  she never complained but I felt if I were going to pursue her that it should not have to cost her what little money she had)
   The first two days were nice though communication was very difficult.   She did not drink or smoke and seemed to appreciate going to restaurants because she had seldom done so before.   She was from a smaller town and we met in St. Pete.  Her first time in the city.
    Well on the third day at dinner, she asked "well what do you think?"  She was very direct, and I must say I was put off by her question.  Should I be concerned? Was this a just a cultural difference? Perhaps Russians were more direct than I am accustomed.  So it caused me to pause as I felt it was more like a business deal because of her question.  I told her that I thought she was very nice but that I wished to take things slowly.  She was not agreesive in any way except to ask that question a few times during our visit.  Everything else was fine during the visit, except the difficulty communicating, which was funny at times and frustrating at times.   She touched me deeply by her postive attitude about things, but I was sadden about her poverty and things she told me about life in her town.
   When I left, I began to think, How will I ever be able to tell her what I feel on a day to day basis, if we can not really communicate?  It is difficult enough to make realtionships work when you share the same language is it not?  What if this is just a business deal for her, and all she wants is a green card.  How on earth can I get to know her better and spend time with her with this distance.  It takes time to get to know a life partner.    
    AFter adding it all up, money is no problem for me, but time can be because of my work.  I thought the risk of failure because of all of the above was too high to get more involved.  WE continue to talk as friends, as I still like her, and I have gotten to know her better, as much as you can on the net.  I continue to send her money from time to time without her asking for it.   Not because I want anything from her, but because she seemed like a nice person and I want to help.   There are times, I must admit, that I wonder if I was just too cautious.  Who knows, but for me the RW thing seemed just too risky, but it still interest me which is why I read the board from time to time.

Robert D.

[RW]

... in response to Newbies: Get your emotional house in ord..., posted by BrianN on Dec 20, 2002

including Russian women.... how about checking on her emotional house as well???

Much will be said, many advise will be given, but everybody still will go through their own experience and lessons. What people fail to see is that there is a reason WITHIN yourself for failure and success. Nothing comes very easy and free, it takes a lot of work on your inner self and other practical things. Why do guys refuse to see that woman posseses certain characteristics in the first place? You mean she started drinking, being lazy, etc, etc just over night? Give me a break....

Why do many guys find a good intepretor and seek professional advise AFTER ship wrecking situation? Why is it so difficult to learn ALL pros and cons BEFORE you go into endeavor? Everybody blaims the system, INS, Russian evil empire , etc. INS too slow, INS too fast and not giving enough time. IF it meant to be - it will happen, it will work out no matter what - may be will take little bit longer, may be will take couple extra trips, may be will take little bit more money, but it will work. All those "big" and "important" factors in the long run will seem so small and insignificant to you, you woud laugh to yourself and wonder how important it seemed to you. But other, little tensions and details which seemed so trivial would come out as big red flags which you have overseen. But most of you guys want it here and NOW. One trip, one meeting, K1 as soon as possible, marriage as soon as she comes over and BANG! "Let's see honey, may be we can discuss our marriage now"....

I think for some guys it is much easier to just sit around and blame everybody for everything. Agencies for bad addresses, russian women for scams, etc. Yes, MOB is a risk. Marriage is a big risk and life itself is even bigger risk. You don't know what will happen to you tomorrow and it's almost impossible to predict what will happen. But plan for important things in life, do all what you can do ahead of time and stick to your decisions (whether it is to find a russian woman or let it go), but take responsibility for your decisions too. Learn from it and move on.

Russian Wife

PS And if anybody still uses posts like "My wife said" and "I think" as a guidance in their personal life - they need to have more serious help than they think. Please talk to professional people - financial advisors, family lawyers in your state, counselors, etc for REAL help and advise.

[John LV]

... in response to not newbies, everyone, posted by RW on Dec 20, 2002

Hello RW, thanks for your input into this, I don't know if you remember but we have talked through email before.

You do seem like a very nice person, I would do anything to find a girl who was even close to you.

I hope everything is doing well with you and your husband.

Take care,

David

[Frank O]

... in response to Newbies: Get your emotional house in ord..., posted by BrianN on Dec 20, 2002

a sarcastic & cynical newbie who DOES take advice & even changed his "plan" of only seeing one lady when things did't pan & wound up having to fight off Ukrainian women?! LOL!!! Sorry man couldn't resist. I agree with what your'e saying. Be TRUE to yourself. Apparently many guys thing with their hearts perhaps their wrong head instead of their head (the one above the shoulders). I'm very glad my lady was just as realistic as me about us potentially getting married & her coming over here. SHe id NOT have any fantasies about us having a "happily ever after" existence. Actually the REAL work just STARTS after you marry.

[KenC]

... in response to Newbies: Get your emotional house in ord..., posted by BrianN on Dec 20, 2002

Brian,
I am going to re-post an answer to LP from below as the thoughts are most consistant with what you started here.
_
LP,
EVERY new relationship is exciting. That is why one begins the relationship. But it is how that relationship stands up over time that is important. Will it stay good for a week? a month? a few months? a year? No one knows until you spend the time together. In my experience, a woman can maintain a charade for quite a while, but even the most motivated actresses cannot keep it up past 6 months. The key word here is "motivated". And just at is that motivation? Love? Visa? Marriage? Hmmmm.
-
You have brought the phrase "POB" here and it is important for guys to understand it. They also have to understand the powers that are in heir own arsenal. Initially, men have the "Power of the Visa" at their disposal. Although this is temporary and usually only good for 90 days, it is important not to give this power up to the first pretty girl you meet. The second power is much more MUCH more forceful and is even effective with AW. You have it and they want it. Call it the "Power of Matrimony". But you had better damn well use it wisely because it is a one shot deal! (Reloading this weapon is a motherf--ker) Why on earth would a guy shoot his wad (give up both POV and POM) within a few days/weeks/months of meeting a stranger is beyond me.
KenC

[tim360z]

... in response to know what your "powers" are, posted by KenC on Dec 20, 2002

Actually,  a charade can be kept up for some time.  About 10 years ago a 27 year old friend of mine married a beautiful 20 year old girl, AW.  It really seemed to me and others that it was a match made in heaven.  Myself and a few other friends would comment that if we encountered a girl like her...we would be married too.  Her new husband was a great guy,  handsome, charming, intelligent had a great job and was devoted to her.  His wife was the exact same and very sweet and caring,  there were many nights we would all have dinner together etc.  Normally I would see them together 1-2 times per week.  Within a couple years they had a child and right about that time I moved away to another state.  But we would talk on the phone once in a while.  Gradually the phone calls dwindled to a few per year and a few years rolled on by.

I then began to hear strange stories from mutual friends who lived in my old neighborhood about them.  All these stories came from people who were friends of this couple.  Stories at that time I could scarcely beleive.  By now they had 2 kids,  but big changes had occured.  After about 6 years of marriage the sweet beautiful girl had suddenly changed incredibly...this seemingly wonderful girl had become known as the town whore.  No,  not for money...just affair after affair and boyfriend after boyfriend.  18-65. And the guy had just divorced her 'cuz he couldn't take it.  This sweet and classy chick had suddenly changed into total white trash.  The stories of her new lifestyle were just unbeleivable..like a Stephen King book.  It seemed crazy.

I called my old friend and we talked for a while and I was so curious as to how this ever happened.  Did he see it coming...that sort of stuff.  We had many phone calls and it seemed like good therapy for him.  Although,  he was cool and calm and said things like,  "it just didn't work out".  " We grew apart". I knew there was more to the whole story.  

Through him and various friends I roughly pieced it together.  During their last 2 months together she began 1 affair and another at the same time.  This guy knew nothing about it since he trusted her implicitly.  And then one day he just knew she was having an affair.  He only thought it was 1 and talked to her about it.  She demanded a divorce,  which he gave her.  He told me that she had somehow played a charade the whole time,  for the security and all that.  He only realized that in the last month or 2 of their marriage...the last month or 2 the personality and character changes manifested.  His feeling was that she had strong psyschological problems which must have been buried and now they were all out--like an explosion.  Used the term, "borderline personality disorder." "No conscience,  destructive".

I don't know.  A 6 year act and then a complete blow-up.  Even today,  if I look back on it,  I can't beleive their beginning and I can't belive their end.  I can't beleive how this sweet girl changed so fundamentally.  So,  more than 6 months of acting is definitely possible...this girl did it for 6 years.  True story,  but I sanitized the worst details of her exploits..understated.

[John LV]

... in response to More than 6 mo charade possible, posted by tim360z on Dec 20, 2002

Wow, now that's a story.

And my dad has been married 4 times now, each girl left him. My uncle has been married 3 times, each girl left him, my other uncle has been married twice, both girls left him, now he has been single for a long time.

One of my old friends mom just picked up one day and said, "I need more out of my life, I'm leaving".

I could go on and on and on and on, what is the problem, do us guys simply not want to see the truth?

I believe that is the case, we all will keep looking for the "one", and each time it fails, whether that takes 3 months or 30 years, we will always be stuck in a never ending search for the right girl.

And as King Solomen would say, "it is like chasing the wind, you can chase but you can never catch it"

When I was growing up as a boy, I thought girls were so nice, so friendly, I thought they were better then boys.

Only to find out as an adult that this could not be more untrue, sure there are some good girls out there, and sure there are some bad guys out there, but I believe there are more good guys than good girls.

But that is not what soceity believes, soceity believes the opposite, woman have the whole world fooled.

David

[greg]

... in response to Newbies: Get your emotional house in ord..., posted by BrianN on Dec 20, 2002

How you doing with your Russian chick? Is she on her way here? Good Post, not only for Russian Women, but also for Guys seeking Latinas and Asians

[Philb]

... in response to Newbies: Get your emotional house in ord..., posted by BrianN on Dec 20, 2002

Nice post.  Good to have you stop by every now and then.  Don't waste your time on David.  Did you make it back to Novosibirsk in November?

[Stevo]

... in response to Newbies: Get your emotional house in ord..., posted by BrianN on Dec 20, 2002

ggg

[donb2222]

... in response to Newbies: Get your emotional house in ord..., posted by BrianN on Dec 20, 2002

fr