First of all, I'll send my hearty well-wishes like the others on here.

To stop this in the middle of the K-1 process takes real guts, and in my opinion, it is NEVER a mistake to do that. When in doubt, pause. You are so smart to do this... It's a lifetime decision you make. If you have to spend another year to make it, that is better than making a lifetime mistake.

FWIW, another (sometimes) poster on here brought his lady over, but sent her back before they got married, because she was unhappy here in America. That took incredible courage, and it has paid off for him... He is now re-applying for her Visa, because they kept in touch and decided it was the right thing to do after all.

But he DEFINITELY did the right thing. Now they can have no doubts. (Or, fewer doubts anyway!) I think he also showed her emphatically that her happiness was important to him, which in the end makes her feel MUCH better about giving up all of her family and coming here.

Well... about your situation, can I ask two questions:

1. What was it that made you decide to pull the brake? Was it one thing? Or several? (If you feel free to tell us. A lot of guys could maybe benefit from hearing how you came to this difficult decision.)

2. Looking back on it now, did you see this before, and ignore it? Or do you feel it is something that you couldn't have known before you spent all of the time getting to know her?

"I have been single for a long time. Initially there were things I thought I could give up in this relationship. As time went on it became obvious that I did not want to give certain things up..."

I don't know what those things are... but, if you are unwilling to give them up... won't they effect any relationship you have from here on out?

How is starting over with a new woman going to avoid this?

You have me wanting to ask you what interests you refer to!!!

But, clearly if you had wanted to say, you would have...

Anyway... good luck to you!

However, I started each "round" of writing and visiting by writing to quite a few (30-40) and narrowing the field before visiting.  If you take a while to get to know some women through correspondence, you'll learn things about them that you definitely don't get through a paragraph long personal ad.  Some things will come up that definitely indicate a lack of compatibility.  I still remember the letter I got from one woamn who said she liked to run barefoot through the forest, "hugging the trees to absorb their spritual energy."  She asked me the exact time and date of my birth and the location so she could consult with her astrologer.  Not exactly my type, but she sounded good in her personal ad.

But... seriously... I think you expressed this really well. I agree with you... the attitude of the man has more to do with success than anything about the woman...

And I want to throw out something else.

Some guys who have "failed" with the WOVO say: "Geez, all of this time spent... for nothing! I'm not doing this again!"

But I think that misses the point.

First, it is not a failure to not marry a woman. Good Lord, when did that thinking start? It is by FAR more of a failure to marry the wrong woman! I don't look at any of my ex-girlfriends as failures. Now... my Ex-Wife... that's a different story...

Secondly, I submit that sometimes you CAN'T know if the woman is the wrong woman WITHOUT "investing" a lot of time.

That to me is the danger of the "casting call" approach. (I really like that, Ken. Good metaphor.)

The thinking is that you KNOW she is the one, because you can compare her against the 100 or so applicants.

To which I say: "Really?"

Doesn't that just make her the best that you saw... which is really not the same thing, is it?

Also, some people don't audition well. What about the poor girl who got the dating equivalent of stage fright?

I don't know about you... but in my life I have had girlfriends who were great... I mean... I really thought that they were IT. And it was not until I got closer to them that I realized: "Oh no! This won't work!"

And its not because I somehow became more aware of faults that I missed before. It's because there are things I can accept in a casual girlfriend that I cannot accept in a serious one. And there are things I can accept in a serious girlfriend that I could not accept in a wife.

How do you know these things without investing the time?

Of course, it would be possible to combine the two methods. But it seems to me, from reading about the guys who followed the casting call method, that its not what they do.

It's like that stupid Bachelor show. (I've never watched it, but you can't escape the damn ads for it.) He's going to pick one of those women? Why? Because he has to or the show won't be a success.

Isn't there the same pressure when you do a casting call approach in dating?

And... if you think there is pressure on the guy who has spent a year writing to the same lady... wow... imagine the pressure on the guy who has spent weeks interviewing and (potentially) thousands of dollars, and used all of his vacation time up for the year...

Anyway... to each their own. I think both methods have their pitfalls. The WOVO method's pitfalls are regularly discussed... but the casting call has an equal number of problems.

Let's face it... this ain't easy...

Re: your referenced post from another board, "I used these pages a year ago in bringing my new bride in from Russia. Now I am sadly filing for divorce ------------ she was obsessed with getting expensive things,staying out late with her Russian girlfriend --four times until 2.00AM, sometimes coming in with alcohol on her breath,she never cooked,never cleaned,had a violent temper and once told me she would be gone once she got her green card!"

I'm not so sure you can draw ANY conclusions here beyond that this guy must be real stupid - a total idiot!  How could anyone mis-read a person this bad!

Bob