Trip report 1

[JT]

Remember me, the newbie with questions about travel in
Russia ? I made it back alive.

Landed in Moscow 2 1/2 hours late. My connecting flight was from another terminal 30 minutes later. I thought there was no way I could make it through in time. Well, I got through customs in 5 minutes, through everything in 6. I had to get a taxi to have any chance of making the flight. Well, I made the flight, but the Aeroflot employee also (inadvertantly) took my return tickets. You can imagine what it was like explaining this to Aeroflot. But I digress.

I was to meet 3 rw in 7 days, with the emphasis on one that I had been corresponding with for 8 months. I met her the first day, and she was gorgeous. 22, brunette, highly intelligent and spoke English. We got off to a great start, seeing the city and spending time together. Then, a slight cooling occured, culminating in one of the most bizarre dating stories I've heard.

We were walking at night and she asked me about the term "phobias". She had previously told me how much she despised insects, so I used the term in a phrase "like your' phobia of insects." She looked at me with a horrified look. She then said "I don't want to talk about that now" and was then cold towards me for the remainder of the time. Whatever.

The next (4th) day, I finally had enough and asked her why she was acting so rude (and she was acting rude at this point). She said it was something I said the day before regarding phobias. I said I could not remember saying anything derogatory. She said "then you'll not take responsibility for it...it doesn't seem to have bothered you...I don't know why you would be mad at me for not sleeping with you in the first 3 days."

Come again ?

"What do insects have to do with us sleeping together?" (we had been semi-intimate by this point). She then wrote down what she thought I said ...A phobia of "in sex", whatever the hell that was supposed to mean. I explained to her what I said...it still wasn't the same after that ...

My tone is negative towards her, for a reason ...and not this...but I'll explain that later.

[MNKenr]

... in response to Trip report 1, posted by JT on Aug 27, 2002

I was with a wonderful woman over in Ukraine. We were getting along well, been on a number of dates. We were getting to know each other. He English and my Russian was not perfect, but we understood each other mostly. We went out with one of her friends. Her friend had a very pleasant personality and was easy on the eyes. She also spooke good English. I had no interest in her other than spending time with her because she was friends with the woman I was seeing.

When we dropped the friend off at home at the end of the night, I was asked, "So what do you think about Lera?" My answer was "Lera, she is nice". She did not understand what nice meant. So I explained to her by slaping her on the hand, and saying "not nice, hurt, bad". Then petting her hand and saying "nice". The look on her face was shocking. She instantly broke away. I asked what was wrong, and all I was told was I thought her friend was "Nice, pre-at-na" (I do not know russian spelling). I told her "nice" meant nothing more than 'good'. I wiped out the pocket translator and typed in nice. Out came the translation, and I thought I would be saved by this. She saw the translation and became very upset. I could not believe what was happening. I asked her what was the translation. She told me 'pleasurable'. Now I understand. She then turns and asks me, "so you want to have sex with my friend?" I say no. She has a hard time believing me, as I said she was 'pleasurable'. I then try my best to explain that Americans say nice like she uses the word good. I told her her mother was 'nice'. I got a strange look. I told her her brother was 'nice'. She gave me the strangest look and asked me if I was gay! At this time I knew she understood I did not want to have sex with her friend. That was the worst I have been misunderstood at this point. The situation was defused. I then explained to her that for some time there will be many more misunderstandings. Take any strange meanings lightly and be open to understand any future misunderstandings. Since then we both have worked through any misunderstandings we had.

I can understand your girl getting upset at you acusing her of having a phobia of sex. However you two should have been able to work through any misunderstanding at that point.

I look forward to the rest of your trip reports, please keep them coming.

MNKenr

[thesearch]

... in response to Reminds me a a misunderstanding I had on..., posted by MNKenr on Aug 28, 2002

as

[thesearch]

... in response to Trip report 1, posted by JT on Aug 27, 2002

JT,

The language barrier between a FSU lady and man who does not speak Russian can get the two people in trouble sometimes and from my experience is that when this happens an innocent misunderstanding can have real challenges to reverse.

The less the lady speaks English the greater chance a misunderstanding can result..

Once a misunderstanding happens in this situation - when I have tried to explain the meaning that I intended from what I said ----- I have noticed that sometimes it can almost seem as if they do not believe you that the meaning was different from what they interpreted. Instead of asking you to clarify when the misunderstanding occurs they can become quiet and distant all the while you are wondering what happened. You do not have a clue that there was a misunderstanding until you finally ask her, what is wrong. They can turn this around on you and now you are suspect and you almost have to prove your innocence.

I do not know how many other guys this has happened to, but I personally did not like it one bit especially with the reverse insinuations that can result versus a simple desire to talk about such and simply get to the real intended meaning of what you said or wrote.

With AW, I would never tolerate this behavior. I drop them right now because I see it as future problems with a woman who does not communicate well.

However, with FSU women, you have to drop that rule and to a point just blame it on the language barrier until proven otherwise. I know that you said that there were other problems with this lady, but do not be surprised if it happens again.

[MarkInTx]

... in response to Re: lesson  1, posted by thesearch on Aug 27, 2002

I personally never experienced this behavior, but I have certainly read about it, so you are not alone, Greg.

I HAVE experienced misunderstandings. But they have always resulted in a  good laugh from both of us when we understood what the other one meant.

I think you are right that you must allow leeway for misunderstanding.

I don't know that any leeway needs to be given for an unwillingness to forgive a small language glitch, though.

I can see a woman being very upset about something until the matter was explained. But if she continues to treat you distantly or coldly, and act like you need to "prove" yourself to her now... I would move on.

Not ALL women are like that. I think there are plenty who understand that small mis-communications are going to happen.

Also, I think the fact that the girl was a mere 22 years old might have something to do with it. Young, stunning beauties are used to being able to jerk men around... in my experience...

[KenC]

... in response to Re: Re: lesson  1, posted by MarkInTx on Aug 27, 2002

Mark,
It is a matter of trust as to how the RW "recovers" from the misunderstanding.  In the original example, the couple was just getting started on their relationship and unfortunately the miscommunication involved sex.  The girl probably could not "clear the slate" in her mind on the matter.  
You and V are a little different now.  You both are in love and will be able to forgive and forget misunderstandings.  In my relationship with Lena I have experienced many a miscommunication due to the language problems.  In the begining the problems are very basic.  The grasp of "in", "out", "on" or "under" are troublesome for a Russian speaker for some reason.  Now, after 4 years, there still are miscommunications that happen with us.  They are more subtle as in tone or inflection, but still not 100%.  It is best for a couple to know there will be misunderstandings due to language and to be able to confront them as soon as possible.  Aknowledging that any hurtful interpretation of spoken words is probably a misinterpretation is the key.
KenC

[MarkInTx]

... in response to Trip report 1, posted by JT on Aug 27, 2002

Wow... an unfortunate story!

You said Insects and she heard "in sex" which meant the same thing to her as "sex".

So, there you are on the first couple of dates, and she thinks you are telling her that because she has not slept with you, she is afraid of sexual intimacy!

I can understand why she would have turned cold. I have heard stories like this before. Now... why she stayed that way is another story...

It is unfortunate that there does seem to be this: "If anything goes even a little wrong, then it is over" mentality that seems to be pervasive in many of the women there.

I have heard more than one guy tell how a very simple and small misunderstanding -- the kind of thing that we would expect to just be laughed off -- kills a relationship with an RW.

I don't know why that is. But I have heard that story told many, many times.

It seems like they cannot forgive, and cannot forget.

Not all.

But there does seem to be a certain "Russian Personality" that will take any misunderstanding as a sign that it is all over.

I hope you had better luck with some of the other women?

[snowwego]

... in response to Insects, posted by MarkInTx on Aug 27, 2002

the poeple over there are used tpo people taking them over the barrel (to say). They even work and do not get paid for months or if at all