Heh, I dare ya to take a crack at this one...

[LP]

... in response to time, posted by KenC on Mar 23, 2002

..lol, sometimes you convince me that you may actually know what you be speakin about.

Seriously, well said. IMO, your post ranks right up there as one that oughta have a link of its own, and this thread should end with your insights. In fact, I agree with you about the thread being an example of this board at it's best. Makin people think is as important as any INS paperwork.

As for being scared stupid, I'm as stupid as they come these days because I haven't been married for 25 years. I hope she just turns out to be worth it, at this point I'm reporting light to moderate turbulence.

As for love, well, look at how difficult it is to define chemistry. I'm not even gonna attempt defining love.  I just know that in some cases, like me on this board, it can be here one day and gone the next. ;-)

So long....

[KenC]

... in response to Jeesh Ken...., posted by LP on Mar 23, 2002

n/t

[Clay]

... in response to Fair nuff..., posted by LP on Mar 22, 2002

Well that is the assumption.  If you have built love then chemistry still exists.

You're right.  Most people are not at the helm when it comes to chemistry, and attempting to reason with anyone when there's no one behind the wheel is one of the most fascinating conversations a fella can have.  Logic no longer exists...

Basically what I'm getting here is that Chemistry is an elusive topic (no surprise), and that everyone describes it differently.  Let me attempt to describe what I have learned thus far:

1) Chemistry confused as lust.

The worst kind.  The most likely to be not returned.  A fella thinks he's got it going on, but it's only on one side.  All he sees is how hot this chick is, and how bad he wants to get in her pants.  It could be mutual, and in which case could be the most passionate and torrid chemistry known to man.  I personally love this kind when both wheels are turning, but it's shroud is the most easily cleared when it's not returned (at least for those who are not delusional)

2) Chemistry of like minds.

You have something in common with a person.  It gets more intense the more you have in common.  Conversation flows more easily, and you connect more easily.  This kind is different from the others.  It is sublime when you feel a person understands you and that you are on the same wavelength.  You are quickly in tune with the other persons mind set the better this chemistry is.  This was girlfriend #2 in my original post.  When we met, I wasn't drooling in lust.  I thought she was attractive.  But the chemistry was immediately such that I KNEW she was gonna give me her phone number.  No guessing, no "here goes nothing".  I teased her about it later, and she got a kick out of it.  We Clicked, end of story.
You can also work this chemistry like a rib.  You can hammer away until you find common ground and then work from there.  This makes it very deceptive, too.  This chemistry can get better without love.  You can ignore the warning signs and focus on the chemistry - to believe you have love.

3)  Soul Chemistry.

Totally different from the other types of chemistry.  Let's take Oscar's Trip report as an example.  His relationship with Alyona smacks of this.  So did Deckard and Luda.  It's the heartwarming stuff where 2 people meet, and they know it's right.  They dreamily gaze into each other's eyes, and words are far less necessary.  There's peace inherent in it.  Oscar's descriptions vividly portray this feeling on her part.  Makes me all warm and tingly.  This is the kind which is devoid of lust, and like mind.  Those things don't matter in this type of connection.  Greg2 described the metaphysical aspect of it.  This is the kind I wanna find, and the kind I love to hear about other fellas finding.  They get to go beyond mere happiness into that dreamy blissful state...  See here's a woman who got under his skin, and she already knows where it's going.  All he knows is that he can't shake her.  Proof that when you have this chemistry... THERE IS NO PLACE TO HIDE!

So how does a fella know that's what he has?

Sheesh, couldn't tell ya.  My analytical mind knows it's hard to find.  It knows that you are just starting to get to know a person after a year.  My cynical side denies it's existance (which is why I love some of these trip reports - I get to tell the cynic to cram it someplace warm and dark).

But mebbe, just mebbe, there is such a thing as love at first sight and knowing you were meant to be with someone.  But with a little over, what, 5 Billion bodies inhabiting the planet?  The odds are pretty slim...

Clay

Thanks guys for the opinions, and feel free to keep 'em coming.  I learn a little bit with each one, and remember things I'd forgotten...

[Wayne]

... in response to my answer is........, posted by KenC on Mar 22, 2002

Ken,

I agree with you completely with your 6 month theory.

In the states, you have the freedom to take advantage of time.  Time is on your side.

But in international dating, few of us have 6 months to go to Russia or Latin America to really get to know the girl.

The rediculous INS laws don't let us bring them over for an extended vacation.  The K-1 is a major pain in the butt.

So we are stuck with relying on a bit of luck.  You really only truly get to know your partner after she arrives in the US, and you hope you like what you see.

As their English gets better, you even learn more about them, and in most cases, it's like having a new wife every week.  Lot's of surprizes.

Many women can act their way into a K-1.  It's often difficult to tell when they are acting.

It definately keeps things interesting.

Wayne

[Quasimoto]

... in response to Heh, I dare ya to take a crack at this o..., posted by Clay on Mar 21, 2002

All of the above - mostly! And when you think of her, she seems more important than you seem to yourself. Her needs and welfare, are so relevant that you seem like the same human being! Now that would be love I think!!!!

STeve

[greg2]

... in response to Heh, I dare ya to take a crack at this o..., posted by Clay on Mar 21, 2002

Chemistry to me is something you can not see, it is invisible to normal scrutiny.

Everyone gives off an electrical field that we can not see but everyone feels it whether they realize it or not.

When you meet someone who emits an electrical field that complements your electrical field - you get an immediate liking for that person. It does not require any interaction to find this. When you interact with a person who you have good chemistry with it just feels right.

However, you can interact with a woman and get this same reaction only because you have things in common. This can be confused with chemistry.  Chemistry is most honest when you have no interaction of substance and you feel it.

Then the problem of acceptable exterior beauty gets involved whereby for example, there is a lady you have chemistry with but, she is not physically attractive to you. On the other hand, there can be a lady that is beautiful to you but there really is no chemistry - but it can come across to you as though it was chemistry when it was not.

If you could tell Chemistry perfectly would all things always turn out like a fairy tale love?

I do not think necessarily so. Let me explain. If there is a certain lesson you need to learn in life, your electrical field will reflect that as well as your assets. When you come across a woman whose electrical field complements yours it can very well fit so well because she is the person that is going to create the events that will force you to have that lesson.

Then, when all goes wrong you blame someone, something about how did I find her, how come she fooled me. She did not. You chose her for the right reason.

So, if you want to have a peaceful, boring,  but perhaps non passionate life --- picking a woman where you do not have chemistry but similar interests is safer.  Picking a woman whereby you have chemistry with is not always the safest road to the end result you desire. Could be great and everything you want but only time will tell. Chemistry is not always a guarantee for what you want, could be what you need, could be neither. It is just a phenomena with varying end results based upon so many variables.

For me, if there is no chemistry, I am not interested. I sense that this is God's way of helping us to pick the right mate.