Adaptation to another country...

[No more RW]

... in response to what Russian community?, posted by KenC on Nov 25, 2001

But there is a huge Russian Community, didn't you know? There are over 30,000 Russians in San Diego, and a great deal many of them live right here in La Mesa.

If all of this is a shock to you, I'm not surprised, it was a rather huge shock for me as well, I have only been learning about this for the past 2-3 weeks. I had no idea they could or would think this way, I am still shocked about it, and very resentfull towards them.

It's just good to know who they are, and know that they will never be my friends.

Enough said.

[BarryM]

... in response to Re: what Russian community?, posted by No more RW on Nov 25, 2001

the fact that Russians have been part of the US for over 200 years. Many of the "Russian community" don't even know how to speak Russian! The same for the many immigrant communities such as Ukrainians, Poles, Czechs, Slovaks, Armenians, Serbs, Croats, Romanians, Germans, etc.

Which one of these lazy slothful peoples are you ?

-blm

[No more RW]

... in response to Re: what Russian community?, posted by No more RW on Nov 25, 2001

I live about 1 mile from this place on Lake Murray Blvd in La Mesa, and we go to the Russian Store over off University in La Mesa as well. And we have visited the Crystal House off Lake Murray Blvd too, the owner is Russian.

I'm right here in the Heart of the Russian Community, they are all over the place around here. We see them at malls, in movie theaters, etc.

I would never have had a clue as to how they think if it were not for my wife meeting and talking to so many of them right next door to where we live, this is how and why I know.

It's better to walk in the light than in the darkness in my opinion.

[Stan B]

... in response to By the way, posted by No more RW on Nov 25, 2001

n/t

[ron]

... in response to what Russian community?, posted by KenC on Nov 25, 2001

kenc, maybe this is dsd?

[KenC]

... in response to Re: what Russian community?, posted by ron on Nov 25, 2001

n/t

[Tootsie]

... in response to Re: Re: questions, posted by KenC on Nov 25, 2001

Yes, it was Lake Murray. Actually Ken still liked it there but I don't like drunken Russians too

Tootsie

[MarkInTx]

... in response to Adaptation to another country..., posted by Tootsie on Nov 25, 2001

As always, it is great to read your posts.

One thing I hope everyone understands is that when you bring a woman from another country into your home, your home *must* change.

In other words -- if you "don't like the Russian culture" don't bring some of it into your home. Expect some change. A little of everything. Decoration changes. Music changes. Different TV. Food choices. Any marriage -- to work -- must become a blend of two different lives. When the two people come from different cultures, that will be even more noticeable.

I have a follow-up question, though... in your case,you mentioned two times you tried to make it work by leaving Russia... is the culture shock what made them fail? Or do you thjin kit was something else? (If I can ask...)

[Tootsie]

... in response to Thanks Tootsie, posted by MarkInTx on Nov 25, 2001

Well, it would be great if a man was a loyal as you are and accepted the "changes". In fact, most men expect a woman to adapt to his lifestyle, not the reverse. Again, it's not an international problem. When a RW marries a RM it's she who has to "change" the lifestyle.

According to my experience it's better to have two TVs. As for food it wasn't a problem for me neither in Germany nor in the US. Like KenC's wife I eat everything and can easily adapt to another kinds of food. Also, it's much easier to cook "foreign" meals than Russian ones and it doesn't take as much time and efforts. Maybe staying by "eternal fire" (as we call cooking in Russia) is not what I dream about. :)As for decoration of the house I think that any woman (RW or AW) would like to do it in accordance with her own taste. Fortunately for you, most Russian girls of a new generation have "European" taste and don't like carpets on walls anymore. And "foreign" music (in English) is much more popular in Russia than national Russian one...

What is really important is to talk. I wish to quote KenC's words: "When you come home from work talk to her. Doesn't matter how tired you are talk to her". Great advice. I only wonder how many men are ready to follow it...

Tootsie

[jj]

... in response to Another very important thing..., posted by Tootsie on Nov 25, 2001

One should always try and spend more time trying to get to know their perspective wife and provide her a chance to also get to know your life before committment.  It is for this reason that I think it bis best to invite a person who you like to visit you home country on a tourist visa before thinking of the committement of marriage.. ..  

Communcication and sincerity and trust is aa must in any relationship...

[MarkInTx]

... in response to Another very important thing..., posted by Tootsie on Nov 25, 2001

Very good.

Yes. That is true no matter what. It's old school, but men were taught for years in our country to keep work to themselves. There seems to be a culture of coming home from work, and needing space for awhile to "decompress" and then engaging in homelife.

This lifestyle would be death to a lonely woman who was stuck all day at home with no one to talk to. I hope the men on here read your words and Ken's and understand the importance.

My situation is somewhat different. I work from home most of the time. My wife will probably be begging me to leave and stop yapping :-)

[Tootsie]

... in response to Thanks Tootsie, posted by MarkInTx on Nov 25, 2001

Mark,

My German husband was killed in the car accident and I returned to Russia.

As for my American boyfriend it is still "working" . He is going to come here in December for a month, then we'll see...

Regards,

Tootsie

[MarkInTx]

... in response to Re: Thanks Tootsie, posted by Tootsie on Nov 25, 2001

Tootsie,

Well, as you were always one of my favorite people on the board... I hope things work out for you!

Thanks for sticking with us!

-M-

[mdante99]

... in response to Adaptation to another country..., posted by Tootsie on Nov 25, 2001

Hi Tootsie:
Your experience in US is very telling.
You say that you stayed in your apartment while your boyfriend worked, rather boring for you.
Your main conncection to the outside world was occasional trips to the library and one hour "Veramaya " program on I-Channel.
I have warned about this as one of the major problems for RW in America; specially as you have a very good social life in your country and none after you arrive here.

In my case, my wife went to work since almost the first week she arrived here. Fortunately we live in a city which has subway; so she goes around by herself everywhere. She is never bored, she hardly has time to watch the Russian hour.
We also have developed a network of Eastern European friends in the area, with whom we socialize often.
Boredom, idleness and social isolation are the killers for any AM/RW relationship; with those any relationship is guranteed to fail; you alluded to those very correctly in your post.

I have also repeatedly said that RW do not come here looking for a visa; they come here looking for a better relationship and a better life; but many find them difficult to achieve after they get here.
Mark

[Tootsie]

... in response to Re: Adaptation to another country..., posted by mdante99 on Nov 25, 2001

a work is not solution of a problem for everyone…

Hi Mark,

I understand your idea and perhaps it can work for some RW but not for all. I had a very hi-paid job in Germany but it didn’t solve my problem of isolation at all. Maybe it was just Germany where relationship between employees is formal to the extreme…

Well, in my case I couldn’t work because I came to the US “on vacation”, not “moved”. But if I moved to the US I would still prefer not to work due to the following reasons:

1) I graduated from 2 colleges and made a rather successful carreer in Russia, so I would hardly agree to work as a maid, dishwasher or a seller in the shop. If I managed to get a better job I would most probably have to work on computer. But the fact is that I want/plan to have children and I don’t think that pregnancy and computer is a nice combination.

2) In my opinion it’s very important for a mother to take care of a baby during his first years of life and I don’t think that even a perfect baby sitter can substitute mother.

And now I would like to draw attention of all the guys who seek RW because of their attractive look to the fact that

A WOMAN WHO WORKS FULL TIME, TAKES CARE OF HER HUSBAND AND CHILDREN, COOKS A LOT, CLEANS THE HOUSE, MAKES LAUNDRY, IRONS AND DOES OTHER HOMEWORK PAYS HER HEALTH AND LOOK FOR IT. She ages quickly and no one plastic surgery can make her look better. This is not a problem in AM/RW relationship. Russian men here often leave their “perfect” wives for women who don’t cook much, don’t keep the house sterile but are able to take care of a man’s phsychological comfort.

Regards,

Tootsie