Looking for Advice

[soltero]

... in response to My Advice, posted by Ray on Dec 6, 2005

Your advice is sound, but you seem to be underestimating this woman's reaction. If she is acting this "broken" this early, none of what you are rationalizing will help. I don't know if you have been in this particular type of situation before, but her actions are classic for the "no hope" scenario. There is no fixing this as she has already given up and not likely to change. This woman is looking for her way out. He needs to give her one as soon as possible and chalk this up to a learning experience.

I don't know their full situation, but she doesn't seem like she is willing to do anything to make this work. I am not trying to make her out as a villain, but she definitely does not appear to want to be with the guy in that she is not trying to compromise at all. If you take his story at face value, he needs to cut his losses now.

[Ray]

... in response to Re: My Advice, posted by soltero on Dec 6, 2005

Marriages often take a lot of work, especially with these international unions. To give up after only 3 weeks of living together doesn’t seem like much of an effort to me. The guy asked for advice but I don’t see a lot of positive responses here (?)

But if she refuses to even try to make it work, then he doesn’t have much choice but to get out. Anyway, it’s his decision, not ours.

Ray

[soltero]

... in response to Re: Re: My Advice, posted by Ray on Dec 6, 2005

I agree with you. The only reason I say it's time to run is if she isn't trying to work with the guy then he is in it alone. I am not trying to figure out whether it's his fault or hers, but she is there already...it's over.

[fathertime]

... in response to Looking for Advice, posted by Confused in LA on Dec 6, 2005

I am noticing a complete lack of respect for you for whatever reason.  As a man part of me would be furious and put my foot down and no longer tolerate this outrageous behavior.  Overall these appear to be horrible signs she is giving you and perhaps you should learn what you can and send her back for her own good as well as yours.  Do not cave in and let her pussify you further she will only respect you less.  

How about some details about how you met and how long you knew her.  Do you speak spanish? Does she peak english? What was the initial attraction?

Good Luck
Fathertime

[wayne3]

... in response to Looking for Advice, posted by Confused in LA on Dec 6, 2005

"Is this normal,or did I screw up"

The fact that you have to ask this question is the most troublesome of your post.

Of course this isn't normal and a start to a good life.  You're back in the hunt.....

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back in the hunt.  If you have traditionally had lousy judgement with women in the past, get consulting from your friends before you make another bad callnext time.  Some guys just don't read women well and need outside consulting.

I see so many guys trying to speed this whole process up and settle down.

What is the hurry?

Enjoy every minute of this, because after you find the right girl and you settle down, you will likely look back on the hunt and remember how much fun it was.

[soltero]

... in response to Re: Looking for Advice, posted by wayne3 on Dec 6, 2005

[This message has been edited by soltero]

"Some guys just don't read women well and need outside consulting."

I don't disagree with you, but I don't think it is totally about reading the woman. In her natural environment, she may actually be a decent person and that and distance provide the smokescreen. Taken out of that comfort zone, you may have a raging lunatic. I say give the process time like you would in any normal relationship to find out if she is a closet psycho. I rushed this once believing the agency hype but never again and I am loving it now. I know what to watch out for and I have been getting better at finding quality women there with each new acquaintance. The slow and steady will win the day, I am sure.

[Fuzzyone]

... in response to Looking for Advice, posted by Confused in LA on Dec 6, 2005

One word of advise........ Get rid of her now!!!
You have a big problem that several of us here can say we have gone thru the
same thing. Do your self a favor send her back where she came from because
she is going to clean your clock and bank book in no time. She is not happy with
anything you are trying to do and that is not going to change believe me, you
can give her anything she wants and she still will want to fight about something
that is so small it will make you wonder if you are not going nuts.

[Beattledog]

... in response to Re: Looking for Advice, posted by Fuzzyone on Dec 6, 2005

great idea

[soltero]

... in response to Looking for Advice, posted by Confused in LA on Dec 6, 2005

Sure you aren't with my ex? It sounds like her down to the letter. She was EXACTLY the same way when she got here. EXACTLY. This is called "choosing unwisely". It's not that you have a bad girl, it's just that she is uneducated and overwhelmed. She wasn't prepared in the least for what she has signed on for, and she isn't educated enough to be able to accept a drastic change like she is experiencing now, so she is shutting down and hating everything she doesn't understand and is making her feel ignorant. She is probably missing the hell out of her family, and yours doesn't speak Spanish, so she feels extremely isolated. Send her back now. It is not going to get any better. The sweet, poor, uneducated girl you met is now an insecure, alone, bitter and scared future AW looking for half. Another poster was saying how determined he is and how that will light the way. You have to take into account what she is bringing to the equation and how well she may be able to adjust to a situation that is WAY out of her frame of reference. Education is key. If she is uneducated (and proud), then she will suffer and make you suffer as well.

[Looking4Wife]

... in response to Deja Vu?, posted by soltero on Dec 6, 2005

Soltero:

Can you elaborate on what you mean by "uneducated"?

Are you talking about being educated to the ways of the USA and/or USA culture, or are you implying that she is not college educated, or what?

[soltero]

... in response to Re: Deja Vu?, posted by Looking4Wife on Dec 7, 2005

Not specifically college educated or educated in the ways of the US, but mainly that by product of a good education which is an open mind, a willingness to accept and try new things. This comes from being aware, and people develo this at different stages of the education process so it's hard to quantify. Not every person needs to go to college to be considered "educated" in this context, but some do and then some.

Here is an example. I am not judging my ex, but when my friends would come over, she would go into the bedroom and refuse to come out. It was embarassing because they had come over to welcome her. They had been out of the country for two years living in Germany, so I was really happy to see them. I can see it from her point of view in that she was tired of meeting people that she couldn't actually talk to because of the language difference, but an educated person may have handled it differently. It was embarassing, but these being good friends, they never said anything. She acted like a child  in my opinion, and showed a lack of class to me. Class that may have been there through enlightenment that may have come from being more knowledgable.

I don't blame her, I blame me for not taking the time to understand all of the ramifications. Having been through it now, I have a better understanding of what may happen and how to prevent it the next time. I make it a point to understand what the perceptions are of the US on a much deeper and simple level now. I don't try to feed any of the fanatsies about what life is like here and give a more realistic picture. I also explain how difficult it would be to be here "fresh" without any understanding of English and will not bring a person here who has no or little understanding of the language. An educated person can understand that not knowing just means they need to learn because they know that's all it is. An uneducated person just doesn't want their lack of education to be discovered, and they usually become belligerent to cover it up. There is a huge difference between being ignorant and uneducated. The educated person grasps the fact that ignorance is not a permanent condition. One can learn. The uneducated person is alot slower to make that distinction.

Poverty plays a role as well, but that's another one of the many issues that have to be surmounted in the choosing process and another story altogether.

[Ray]

... in response to Re: Re: Deja Vu?, posted by soltero on Dec 7, 2005

“I make it a point to understand what the perceptions are of the US on a much deeper and simple level now. I don't try to feed any of the fantasies about what life is like here and give a more realistic picture.”

Assuming that she has a basic level of English language skills, I have found that a real good way to expose her to a more realistic view of what life here is like is to send her a local Sunday newspaper from time to time. My prospective wife and her family really enjoyed reading it and there is enough information in there, both good and bad, to keep them busy for at least a month or two. And it will go a long way to dispel some of that “Hollweird” stuff they see in the movies.

You might also want to send her some of the local Spanish language newspapers from your area, if available.

Ray

[soltero]

... in response to A good point, posted by Ray on Dec 7, 2005

That is an excellent idea. On future trips, I will try to stock up on a few recent Spanish language newspapers to take with me. The young lady I am currently seeing, although her English is not that great yet, is very intelligent and would really appreciate  reading the current events here. I am sure that her questions would help alot in opening dialogues to give her a clearer picture about what it's like here.

[Bueller]

... in response to Deja Vu?, posted by soltero on Dec 6, 2005

"If she is uneducated (and proud), then she will suffer and make you suffer as well."

 Deadly combo indeed. I am still going through that with a former employee in Brazil who is now suing me fraudulently. It's amazing how dumb, ignorant people are the most likely to be obstinate know-it-alls.

[Patrick]

... in response to Looking for Advice, posted by Confused in LA on Dec 6, 2005

Definitely not normal.  Although I agree that LA is an ugly city!  I would caution against burying your head in the sand and letting it drag out too long.  You may have to make a tough decision, but doing it sooner rather than later is going to be a better choice in the long run.  Good luck.